Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

Hard to read when it's beans on toast or beans on toast for dinner.
I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people just want what they don't have and will never be happy as they want the greenest grass; which doesn't always exist.

Men and women should have equal earning power yes

They should, but they do not. If you think a woman with 4 young children and no current job has the same earning power as her high flying husband, you're deluded.
Ask OP, she knows. That's the actual point?

There are high flying women with more children... Helena Morrissey etc. Having children does. It preclude high flying career. It is a choice. Maybe it needs a spouse willing to take the reins back home. Maybe willingness to outsource more.

I have a food job with good salary and three dc including on disabled...and no back.up from exp (who among pther things had severe mh issues) since 2007.

If ok wants a high flying career then between her h money and hers she can afford the back up.
If she wants to have fewer hours paid work she can do that too.
She can decide how to.fulfil.her life.

Having children does not preclude high flying career.

Phone typing sorry. I have a good well paid job.

No current job but if has skill set can get one.

Having children does not preclude high flying career

Nobody said it did. It does, however, make it much harder. FOUR children and a high flying husband (so not going to be taking over the school run and the dr appts) makes it very very very hard indeed.

We all know this is the truth, so what is the agenda in pretending it isn't?

I can well imagine how hard this must be for someone who's intelligent, ambitious and hard working. It sounds like as soon as the kids are old enough you need to get back into work. In the meantime can you volunteer for something you really care about? The last thing you want is to just be a wife and mum with no identity of your own. Your career doesn't have to earn as much as your husbands but it'll bring such a sense of independence, achievement and security compared to being a SAHM.

The last thing you want is to just be a wife and mum with no identity of your own

Do you realise how many women you have just insulted?

I think the key to this is how your DH makes you feel - does he have anything to do with the feelings you mention in your OP?

They should, but they do not. If you think a woman with 4 young children and no current job has the same earning power as her high flying husband, you're deluded.

Well no one with no current job has much earning power. :)

A COUPLE has four children. Why only the wife’s abilities curtailed? Why only the man allowed to carry in unaffected? Why?

Because it’s ecpected that wifey facilitates the husband and he gets to live his life as unaffected by the children as possible. But WHY? Because our society is massively sexist.

Or are you saying there’s something inherent about men that they’re incapable of looking after children while their wife works? Or god forbid getting a nanny or two so that both can have high flying careers?

In most cases, high flying men fly high at the expense of their wives

Sorry shutit, I reacted a bit strongly but it just made me cross.

I think women need to realise they don't have to take 6months off or a year etc. There's no reason to take anything longer than physical recovery time if they wish.

Ideally the time off would not impact careers and that's what policy and regulations are aiming for but if you want to work within the current reality, women are very quick to assume they need time off when actually they could get childcare or the father could take over immediately etc. That's not to say it's what women want but I think we do need to recognise it's an option.

Now the fact that most women don't earn enough to merit going straight back after labour recovery is a whole different problem....

Of course that is why! But you aren't going to fix it by pretending it isn't what happens and saying we have the same opportunities, when we don't.

I think women need to realise they don't have to take 6months off or a year etc. There's no reason to take anything longer than physical recovery time if they wish

Sorry but this just more nonsense. Women should go back to full time work after 3 days? How is that helpful to women, children, or society at all?
You need to talk about the reality of what actually happens, not what you think would be best. There is no childcare for 3 day old babies, nor would anybody want there to be.

Then I think we are talking at cross purposes. We then agree?

My stance: world deeply sexist, women generally fucked. Identify and strive to change this.

Shutit, there is their fathers.....

And nannys in the home.

And for the record even with easy textbook labours I needed more like 2 weeks off to recover physically. Nothing to do with the baby, only to do with my physical recovery. And I would expect any company to give that leave as they would a summer vacation or minor surgery etc. without even noticing.

I go back after 4 weeks. So I take a few extra weeks beyond my recovery in case I need a c-section (which I never have had so far), and so I can breastfeed and enjoy baby a little. But I could go back sooner. And I would if I thought my job or position was in jeopardy.

Nannys in the home, for newborns?

We fought long and hard for paid maternity, your suggestions are dinosaur like in their absurdity.

Shutit, works great here. Thanks anyway.

If you are both privileged in your job and rich enough to afford it, it may seem to work well for you personally.
Doesn't mean it's a sensible suggestion for most women. It's also an extremely bad idea for children, and society in general.

There are many issues at play for many women that make it hard to keep working. For some there are choices they have never even considered. So it's worth mentioning them even if it gets your back up Shutit.

Privileged and rich in my job. What does that even mean? I am not paid massively but paid well enough to live like many people I know, male and female. I set up on my own to facilitate the practicalities of having a family but I've kept working instead of taking traditional mat leave. It's worked well and may be an option for other women.

It's actually not a bad idea for children or society depending on how it's structured.

We really do not need people like you trying to dismantle the very hard won rights we have gained for women. No maternity leave or pay, no thank you very much.
Whatever your ivory tower agenda is, we don't need it.

Well stop having kids and starting working on your career. 4 under 7 years old. So how much time have you had for work and your career? Maternity leave was a feminist issue. The impact of taking maternity issue is also a feminist issue.

Or take the financial hit, let him look after the kids and you go and have a career.

No-one (I assume) forced you to have so many children or how you decided to look after them. But there are always impacts based on choices.

Shutit, you do realise that no self employed people get maternity pay? So it's a choice I actively made as it had many other advantages for my family.

Please consider that there's many ways of working that can be brilliant for mums and families.

You can do as you choose. telling women in general that they could just go straight back to work after a week is totally unhelpful and bordering on offensive.

I'd use the highly privileged position to do some actual noticeable good in the world.

Use your skills and education to work in the third sector, or teach or nurse.