Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

Nobody forces anybody to read the threads or comment. OP hasn't at any point bragged or been ungrateful about what she has. Just because they have money doesn't mean they should automatically be happy.

Bluemoon suck it up. I've done the whole domestic violence thing, lost a baby to it, fled with sod all. Does not give me any excuse or reason to be an utter cretin to somebody who is unhappy. You are not the only person in the world with problems, and clearly actually you cannot see what you do have. Take your woe is me attitude elsewhere & stop projecting your anger on people who have asked for some simple input. Bitch, me? Take a good, long hard look in the mirror before you throw that word around

And let's face it not everyone wants the same thing. Somebody's idea of a great life might be staying at home and looking after a family as there mission in life. Others want something different. They want a fulfilling career and to earn their own money. Others are very ambitious to get promoted ever higher.

And let's not forget a lot of people have to work at not very enjoyable or even horrible jobs because they need the money. Men and women. It's not this airy fairy choice. It's very often needs must.

Blimey, back to the OP...DH and earn about the same amount in good professional careers - I would find it hard to cope with such a degree of disparity and it would make me feel financially vulnerable.

I think that with your financial resources at my disposal, so, few childcare issues and not having to earn a certain amount to make the arrangement work, I would be looking to do something that I really loved and which would support me into the future. You could retrain or not. You could go back to what you did, if you like it enough 🙂 How exciting to have those opportunities - don’t feel sad, just make the right choices for you.

And op as clever child,and high achieving student didn’t expect to find herself dissatisfied and between jobs. She didn’t expect her life to turn out like that
Op has every right to seek advice and discuss her situation
Frankly she could be sitting on a cashmere mountain sneezing into £50 Notes for all we know.
The Material wealth doesn’t lessen op feelings of dissatisfaction

Right op, so this plan.write down what you want how you’re going to get there
Fortunately money not a problem.one hassle out the way.concentrate on plan
Is the voluntering related to what you’d like to do? How easy is it to get into what you want
Do you need a new course?can you use existing skills /contacts?

Haven't read the whole thread (so ignoring the massive bunfight that clearly developed later on...)

OP I get where you are coming from.

To all those saying "get a nanny and go back to work": it's really not that simple. Nannies work 10 or 11 hours a day. Many professional careers, including the one I used to do, require you to be out of the house for a lot longer than that. At least they do if you want to reach the top levels like the OP's DH has done. Even if it was possible to find a 12/13 hour nanny I wouldn't really want a nanny putting my DC to bed every weeknight. I couldn't justify doing that to the DC purely for my own fulfilment.

To those saying "time for DH to step his career back and you have a turn": great in theory but again doesn't work well in practice. OP switched to a less well paid sector years ago and has been out of work for several years - unlikely she could now get a job that pays anywhere near what her DH's does. So again - it's hard to justify making the family much worse off financially just to satisfy one's own desire for a career.

The Material wealth doesn’t lessen op feelings of dissatisfaction

No but it does give her options others don't have.

Once the baby is old enough she can look outside the home for something that will bring her the personal satisfaction she is looking for without the stress of having to make it pay its way to start with.

How do you arrive at conclusion op family will be worse off?othr than to prove your point?
If she earns a salary that’s an additional source income
They’re not short bob or two so can throw money at this if need be
the finances aren’t the issue, the op dissatisfaction is the issue

That’s my point,she can throw money at the issue.to get to where she wants to be
She can buy her self support and not be burdened with hassle of worrying ability course fees,books, travel childcare
That’s why it’s potentially easier for op to get to where she wants to be.money

My stbxh was a high earner and I had (still have) a successful career, but doesnt compare.

Being a SAHM was never an option for me as I'm very career-minded although did take a couple of years off for 2 mat leaves, and worked part-time (3-4d/wk) after kids were born.

When I decided to end the marriage (for other reasons although finances played a big role), my stbxh turned into someone I no longer recognise. He's managed to leave his job, dispose assets and make himself a pauper in a matter of a couple of years. There is absolutely zero recognition for me taking a step back in my career for our family, and if anything, he expects me to be grateful for the lifestyle we've had....and to leave with nothing!

He's also withdrawn from family financial responsibilities and taken every means possible to financial frustrate me and prevent me from progressing matters in court so I could accept his pitiful offer. Thankfully, I've somehow managed to keep going and we've had a final hearing where he still withholds financial information, suddenly has more liabilities than assets, has assets transferred to others or disposed of and has an army of legal representatives, whereas I can no longer afford representation. Regardless, I've kept going and still can't believe how far I managed to get (all thanks to having my own career/finances, albeit relatively tiny)!

The morale of the story is "always be prepared to single-handedly take care of you and your children." A husband can be a totally different person to an angry stbxh! I'm lucky I stayed ambitious and independent, even though it's been hell! Had I completely let myself go and trusted that what's his is ours...and of course, in enabling his career by taking care of the family...etc, I would be telling a much different story.

So, my advice to you is to get yourself a coach (happy to recommend), take the opportunity you have to find yourself, create a vision that is totally aligned with your values, start a business if that's an option and use childcare as and when needed. Keep moving up and be ready to go it alone, if ever needed!

"FFS if a career is what she wants then becoming a local councillor or a school governor or whatever is just make-work. "

What was the FFS for? Local councillor can actually be a career. You only have to do part time hours, but it's possible to do it full time and to launch a political career from it.

OP - there is some excellent advice on this thread. First thing, you need to stop dwelling on your contribution, you have contributed, end of. Secondly your lucky in that your finances give you choices so you have the option of retraining, childcare etc.

I agree that it's about your feelings of self worth. I found it really rewarding to be out of the home, & known as "Get" as opposed to mum, even though Im earning much less then before.

I could never envisage myself not working in some form. Plus technology moves so fast these days it easy to get left behind & lose confidence.

My mums biggest regret was not having a career. My dad was a banker so mum gave up work after me. However she did do go back to college & get an IT GSCE, did a number of courses upholstery, floristry, woodwork etc. They separated & even though she didn't have to she was so happy to go back to work & still works 1 day a week. She think she's missed her calling as an engineer.

I think it's more about how you feel about it rather than what the situation is. I have a similar background to you - degree educated and I also left a well paid job in the city to be a SAHM. I don't do paid work at all but your comment that you always believe men and women could be equals really surprised me...I feel totally equal to my husband - in fact I think I'm more important as a I look after the thing which both he and I treasure most in our lives - our children. I'm wondering more if you are regretting not completely following your career dreams and that your confidence is just a bit knocked at the moment. It's not too late for you to have the career you want. My mum went back to study in her early fifties and ended having an incredible career and I am so proud of her that she followed her dream. She achieved much much more than she she ever expw

I was the same, excedh ernt peanuts so I returned to work (pt) when dd was 6wks. However, I was developing anauto@immune disease which, quite quickly, meant I couldn’t work at all for years. I became a stay at home mum and hated it.

About 3 years ago I decided my condition had stabilised sufficiently, and I had recovered enough, to seek work (after 15 years). My qualfications and experience were not really relevant any more, so I started a a volunteer in a completely new (to me) industry. My MH has improved so much, even though the money is absolutely shit, and I do few hours.

ricepolo's dh's experience shows very clearly that we can't all get what we want. He probably fantasised about ending up in a position where he had a successful career, no financial worries and a large, loving, happy family. Instead, he has a wife who feels disempowered and pathetic - if she were a man, emasculated. In reality, the family's position is the result of teamwork and equal but very different sacrifices made on both sides, but if ricepolo's fantasy was the same as her dh's (ie definitely also included the career, not just the happy, financially secure family), then her fantasy is a long way further from fulfilment than his is.
ricepolo - why do your feelings of uselessness increase the more your dh earns? You are not doing less, the more he earns, you are not even needed less - physical care for your children he may be able to purchase if you were not around, but he couldn't buy the love, care and sense of peace, stability and security that comes from being brought up by both of your biological parents, knowing they both love and care for you and that one or the other of them is emotionally and physically there for you whenever needed. Nor does it replace having a partner who is emotionally and physically able to support you and make you feel loved and wanted. If you feel what you are doing is not enough, then go out and find a role for yourself that enables you to feel more valuable, but don't mistake higher earnings for higher value in anything but the financial sense. Your dh's excess money is not needed any more than any extra money that you earn is needed. It is superfluous to requirements, not a means of lowering your value to the family.

Still reading through the thread but just wanted to say that I feel exactly the same...only I'm the full-time, reasonably high earner and DH is a SAHP. I feel utterly useless at home, I feel like I should be the one at home, I feel bad for going to work even though I enjoy it and since DH has left work I have to go anyway.

It's really affected my self esteem as a mum too, I struggle to know what is the right decision for our DSs about even simple things, whereas in the past I wouldn't have given things a second thought. This has only been the case for us since September so it's relatively new, and I'm putting it down to just getting used to the new situation.

But OP, please don't feel useless. You are doing a job that is worth so much more than it is ever given credit for.

You can work. It’s not relevant that he earns more. You can still work so get a job.

Many many women manage to work and achieve fulfilling careers - and use childcare.

-You choose an organisation with flexible working and family friendly policies.
-you manage your time.

• You build allies in the other working parents in your workplace....

...and -shock horror! you share - school run, putting to bed, making dinner - with your husband.

Make him make some concessions.

You might be doing the working mothers in his workplace a big favour too in evening up the expectations of what employees will do in terms of family.

OP - I think Captain M sums it up - it is the vulnerability that you face.

You only have to go on the lone parents, step fora to see the issues.

He is in absolute complete control of your life whether he realises it or not. YOu are not independent in anything and know damn well if he decided to go and let's be honest a lot do in their 40s - you are buggered.

YOu can reflect on your contribution but the cold hard fact is if he does then you are stuffed and that is not a nice feeling to have.

Captain M sums it up completely. For me I managed to work 2-3 days per week to jog my career along for the first 6 yrs post DCS - thank bloody god I did. I would if I was you find something which could make you financially more independent if the bad deed comes in the future, hopefully it does not but it will also help your self esteem.

Mine left and has barely contributed since!

"YOu can reflect on your contribution but the cold hard fact is if he does then you are stuffed and that is not a nice feeling to have."

You couldn't be more right, lifeandtheuniverse!

Sounds like we have the same ex. Thankfully, kept brain cells and confidence ticking along so have survived - with some scars as a reminder. Making money was never a strong motivator for me...and boy, has that changed! Bring on the millions, I say!

I was working full time and married to an arrogant arsehole, adulterer. Luckily, no children involved. I had to leave my job because of the stress and anxiety brought on by his affairs. Pulled myself together and started new job, through which I met a divorced guy. He was nice, he was charming, he was wealthy. I jumped ship from arsehole adulterer and have never looked back.
We married six months later and I have happily, never been employed since I was six months pregnant with first.
Got to say, love not having to work, love my life. And before anyone says to be wary of not having my own money. That was 43 years ago and I have lots of security that he made sure I had. Not everyone needs to have a career.
Those that do, fine!

No point just telling the OP to get a job, as clearly she has continued working whilst caring for her children, although at the moment, whilst the youngest is only a few months old, she is "between jobs," which makes her feel worse. The problem seems to be more related to the huge amount her dh earns making her feel worthless in comparison, even when working, particularly since it seems they used to work in the same field. If the OP looks at her dh's career and keeps thinking that could or should have been her, just getting "a job" is not really going to help a huge amount, as she will persist in seeing it as mere pin money in comparison to what her dh contributes. ie Clearly she can be financially independent and work, she has obviously not sacrificed her employability, she would just not be as filthy rich without her dh. But then, her dh wouldn't be quite so filthy rich without her, either - unless he didn't have the family to distract him either, in which case he might ask himself what the point in being so rich actually was, if he had no-one to share it with. This is the problem with equating your earnings with your worth as a human being. It sucks.

It’s nit about how much you earn in op’s situation, it’s about fulfilling yourself.

Anyway - there’s plenty of time for readjustment of her life.

Not just time, but the resources to enable it and a husband who wants to see her happy.

Doesn't matter how pretty the cage, or the fact that you walked in voluntarily, a cage is still a cage, and there's nothing wrong with feeling constrained by it.

OP is lucky in that she is in a position to be able to do something about it.

My DP earns a lot (we also met in work, earning the same - possibly me a bit more, I don't remember, but kids meant I went freelance and earnings didn't grow so fast). I will stop working when I'm ready. When neither of us need to work and we retire. I'm good at my job, I enjoy my job, and I don't see why I should give it up just because DP earns a bit and would prefer I made his dinner for him than take his turn making his own.