Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

FlowerPot1234 Thank you.

Then as the OP and her husband have prioritised his career over hers, maybe if possible, as it's clearly not about money, the OP could utilise those skills in the voluntary sector which would be crying out for them.

Bluemoon1

Here's one choice you have right now: stop being so vile and rude to everyone.

What is stopping you from working and studying?

@Lipstick and @Flowerpot (bug) NOT that I have to jistify myself to you, but I am doing everything I can to get out of a situation I am in through NO fault of mine..

Bluemoon what a vile, obnoxious creature you have been on this thread! Seriously I spy a huge touch of the green eyed monster here.

Problems are relative to each person. You say you have health issues? I worked with a lady who could not move unaided, dress herself, use the toilet alone. Major life issues. Never did I hear her tell someone to basically suck it up because she was worse off. All through this thread you have made it about you. We get it, you don't like the fact that OP has a better lifestyle than you. Suck it up!! Pretty sure the homeless blokes on the street would tell you to stop griping about having to live in a woman's shelter; roof over head versus sleeping bag in the street??? Pfft.

OP the suggestions about readdressing what you want to do are great. Some people don't get that sometimes your identity is more than being mum; that's okay. Everyone is different & thus so is the root of everyone's happiness

@Flowerpot
Well done - you have excelled yourself on the insensitivity and stupidity scale.
I am unable to work as I have multiple health issues. The worst being a severe bad back.... a crumbling vertebrae and prolapsed discs, that is aside from the obvious trauma and horrendous domestic violence issues that I have recently faced.
My ex partner will be in court at the end of November, the CPS have arranged for someone to escort me and for a 'video link' so I don't have to go into the court room itself.
I am in extreme pain daily and living in a womens refuge while I wait for supported housing or a local authority house to become available.
When I fled my ex I left almost everything that I had behind....
SO I ask again.....WHAT choices do I have??
How the hell do you think that I can work???

I think this thread has been successfully derailed. There is no come back really.

Blue moon that really does all sound shit and I am so sorry. Best wishes for the future. I can't agree with your posts on this thread at all but your future and potential happiness is more important. I hope you get there.

Seriously. Too far. You chose to come on a thread and debate. People are allowed to disagree without being called names. Please sort out your attitude.

Bluemoon1 As I said, stop being so vile and rude. There, a choice for you.

I am unable to work as I have multiple health issues.
Many people with the conditions you have listed work, and would have spent the last few years studying to be able to work.

Your choices.

I think this thread has been successfully derailed. There is no come back really.

Threads like this always will.

Posters saying they have so much money they will never have to work again, when there are others that are homeless and don't know where their next meal is going to come from, is never going to end well.

Let's get back to the OP, and let MNHQ deal with we-know-who.

Taking that as is most threads on mn should not exist
. "centre parcs or camping in France?"
You can afford HOLIDAYS?
that's not a board I want to be part of

I’m a SAHM to two under 5s, neither at achool, and I understand where you’re coming from. My DH earns 6 figures so no need for me to work, but I feel a bit aimless like I should be. I went back last year for a bit, but it didn’t work out, I don’t have any advice except maybe look at careers/jobs you could move to once the children are older? I know it’s a first world problem, but it’s all relative. Hope you work something out.

It is all a matter of attitude IMHO and how you yourself feel about the situation and how your partner feels. I wouldn't be prepared to be a domestic drudge for anyone but if I could be at home and still afford domestic help and help with DC's then it could be a nice life. But you are dependent financially on somebody else unless you have private means of your own.

As an adult I don't think I would like to be dependent financially on somebody when I knew all the money came from them. But maybe I could tolerate it if there was enough in it for me. And of course how career orientated a person is.

Problem with the just be grateful logic is it’s a race to the bottom.no one wins
just be grateful turns everything into a meh so shut your face and closes down dialogue
Bluemoon,just be grateful you have a refuge,and ability to access WiFi and post on line and claim benefits. There are women with no recourse to public funds,no WiFi .no on,one posting in mn,no refuge...you see how disempowering that is?to take something real and significant to you and turn it into should be grateful

@Flowerpot for your info I am 46 (almost 47) and I HAVE worked ALL of my life in VERY demanding, senior roles DESPITE my severe pain during the last 12 years so don't you dare have the audacity to come to me with your hollier than thou insensitive thoughtless preaching

, "hollier than thou insensitive thoughtless preaching"
The irony

@Flowerpot ohhh and while I am on the subject, i went to University for 3 years (four if you include the access course) to get a degree that involved looking after people and make my back injury worse doing said job afterwards.
Not everything is black and white. I never thought that I would be in this situation, ever.