Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

You have 4 DC and you and your DH are a unit. There is no way he could've done so well in his career and be earning what he is AND have a family without you there beside him doing all the donkey work at home. You ARE contributing - a hell of a lot. It's just that our society places so little value on women staying at home and providing a loving home for their family and there is no monetary value attached to what you do. Would it maybe make you feel better to work out how much money your being at home saves your family each year? If so, how much would a FT live-in nanny cost? A cleaner? A gardener? Or nursery + holiday clubs, etc? Doing that might make you feel a bit better about the financial contribution that you're making to your family.

I am in a similar position but at the other end of it as our DC are grown up now. I do sometimes feel guilty about having a very nice life style without making any financial contribution to it but have to remind myself that he would not have the successful career he does if I hadn't been a SAHM/housewife/gardener/project manager etc etc. To 'justify' my life to myself I do a lot of volunteer work with charities that support the homeless and mentally ill and occasionally repeat the mantra 'equal doesn't mean identical'

What happens if you are paralysed tomorrow in an accident if you base your self esteem and fulfilment on a career?
Do you then cease to be worth less (not worthless ) as a person ?
I think it is fine to enjoy your career and find fulfilment in it but that is not the same thing as defining your worth by how much money you are paid to do it imho.

It doesn't read as though it's just about money tbh because you also mention he is in demand as a speaker, etc. You need to tease out exactly what is upsetting you most: is it the comparison between you and your DH? is it that he is respected and in demand in his field and currently you are not? Is it that you're dependent on him financially and hence vulnerable?
It sounds as though you're making yourself 'very busy' to fill your time but it's not fulfilling you so maybe pause the busy-ness. Your baby is still small but you could work out a plan for what to do when she is older and you're ready to go back to work. Then you can enjoy this time with her without guilt, without having to be 'very busy'.
You're facilitating your DH's career but, for many, that isn't a comfortable place to be so acknowledge that isn't working for you and plan for it to be different.

Just go back to work when you feel like you want to. Sounds like you can afford good quality childcare.

FWIW I would feel exactly the same as you.

I don't need to work ever again, but I do. It's part time in an interesting and rewarding field and I love every minute of it

I did give up work for a few years to spend time with DS, but when he started going to school I got fed up with lunches and getting my nails done

My career had been a big part of who I was and I missed that, I wouldnt swap mY time I had off with DS but I am so glad I have something that is mine now

My DH earns 3x what I do but I have a flexible job I can walk too and fit around kids. Life choice but it works for now. I don't think I'd enjoy not working and my money goes towards treats and holidays. We could live without the money but need to be.more frugal. Dh says he wants me working to feel worthwhile.. which it does

Not a massive money earner in the sense of us being wealthy, but my OH earns enough for us to be comfortable without me working. I gave my job up (working on constructive dismissal case so not because i'm lazy) & now struggling to find one that will give my DD the time she is getting now, so around school hours. Also pregnant!
OH isn't worried, tells me not to stress I can stay at home. Never withholds money, always makes sure my car is fuelled etc. To some it's the ideal lifestyle, SAHM, no worries. But I hate it 😱 I never earned much, it was pocket money really but it made me feel like I contributed.

No real advice or pearls of wisdom, but just wanted to say I know how you feel. Some people will say you're being ungrateful but some people prefer to work

What would his reaction be if you said, I want to retrain to do xxx when smallest DC is 3, so you will need to step back from work and do more childcare to facilitate me as I have you?

I would be exactly the same as you OP. But it would depend hugely on how DH saw and treated me. I think during the child rearing years as a mum your intellect and personal growth takes a hit. No time to read and formulate thoughts on issues, no adults to bounce things off and debate with (except about house and husband and child issues). No career growth and the self pride that goes with that.

You get other very precious things but they tend to be internal rather than external things that help your self esteem.

I do miss the world. Global travel. Business trips. Debates. Drinking and socialising without holding back etc. as I know I'll be up in the night and up early. But I write off this period as being deeply important for our family. I've kept working but from home so I still have a foot in the door career wise but am here for the kids. Once they are older I must get back to it for myself. I also try hard to stay interested in current affairs, and to build my understanding of new topics so that I can enjoy a good debate still. It would be very easy not to.

You and your husband are a team. He wouldn’t be earning as much as he does without you. You have 4 children, you are not a kept woman, you are looking after his children.

Caring for children and bringing them up is work. It would cost him a lot to replace you if he had to pay someone to do everything you do day in and day out.

Looking to the future, just because you don’t have to go back to work financially doesn’t mean you can’t.

However don’t feel that you should either.

I have been in a similar situation but am further down the line. For years I worked part-time and doing freelance work from home. This had huge advantages in terms of being around for my daughter and stepchildren, while my husband was working long hours and his career was progressing. However, now my husband is retired - he is quite a bit older - and my daughter is at university. I am a well-educated woman but am now doing very badly paid - though quite enjoyable - work. It's really hit me at menopause that the choices which I made earlier have narrowed the options for me now. The relationship with my husband is a fairly strong and sharing one. But the financial contribution is very unequal, and I can't redress that balance now because of the choices I/we made earlier. I am not sure what I would have done differently, but I think I wasn't taking the longterm view.

How about a more equal share with your husband? He steps back from his career a bit, and you pick yours up again. It sounds like he can afford to take a hit on salary, esp if your earnings picked up and if he is so successful he can dictate his own terms to some extent. Maybe he could take a sabbatical year while you kickstart your career? Why do so many women feel they have walk away from their career to enable their husband have a great family life and 100% committment to their career?

Do you think it could be a touch of baby blues?

I love my DC, love being able to be at home (now working quite successfully at my own business) but found the little baby bit boring, exhausting and unstimulating.

It's the day in day out drudge, with little in return, and as it's been a choice you feel you can't really moan about it.

I also found that I wasn't that interested in getting dressed up and going out as I felt a bit frumpy and uninteresting as I wasn't upto date with the world, was a bit tired and so would rather just watch a calm at home (vicious cycle of being bored and even less stimulated).

The good thing is this is a phase.

You do have a lot of control of where life goes in the future.

This highly dependant young child phase, in the overall scheme of things, isn't going to last that long.

When you were at Uni and felt equality to your peers did you have short, medium and long term life ambitions. Is it worth revisiting those things you found important?

If a career is around 50 years and you take 10, even 20 years out for the baby years that's still a decent length of time to be successful and to have been around whilst your DC are young.

This doesn't need to be the rest of your life. This is a short phase of life right now.

I think you need to find your purpose - ie what you stand for and work towards in life. Doesn’t have to be career related or money generating at all.

What made you decide to have 4 DC? Genuine question, as it’s quite a choice to have made and is a big part of why you are where you are now so a clue to what’s important to you

Everything everyone above said about you facilitating his success. So, it comes down to-what do you want to do? You are in an enviable position that you don't have to work to ensure family financial stability, what is your dream? Charity work, your own business, study? Have a long think-if you want to do something you feel is "worthy" even if it's lower paid, or even voluntary-do it. If you want to work at whatever job-do it. You are contributing to society and the economy whether you work outside the home or in it. And why not have a chat to dh? I bet he doesn't feel like your contribution isn't as important as his.(well, I hope not) He will want you to be happy doing something that fulfills you.

Bring up decent human beings just doesn’t seem to be valued by society

Well of course it is. But can't we do that and work?

I used to have a great job before my DC came along. I earned lots of money, had a great career and travelled all round the world. I couldn't go p/t so decided to leave and be a SAHM. It gets dull sometimes but I never want to be in an all consuming job like I was back then again. I have a few relatives who are single and in their 40's and their job takes up most of their time. Good jobs now are not full time, they are all the time. Even when my DC are older I still want to be ready and available to help out. Jeux says she is defined by her job and I get that but I've never felt that way about a job or a company. My favourite role to date is mother.

Have a look at that thread here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3088346-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-Part-2
And you’ll find plenty of women in that position as well as the reason why it happened.
You’ve facilitated your DH in his job (at the very least by stepping down from the career path). He flourished and you are left ... with not that much....

* Bring up decent human beings just doesn’t seem to be valued by society*. Do only SAHMs bring up decent human beings then?

I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals

They can. You had the same choices as your dh. You could have chose for you both to have continued your careers sharing childcare. This would have meant your dh might not have achieved as much but you did have the choice.

You could have had fewer children so you could have picked up your career sooner.

You could have used more child care so you could have continued your career.

You have the privilege of having options and choices that many don't and it sounds like you are wallowing at bit (which is understandable with 4 dc, one who is still a baby). It sounds as if you are regretting the choices you have made rather than didn't have the opportunity? You aren't turning into what was traditionally named "a kept woman", you have actively made the choices to be that and you are lucky enough you are in a comfortable position to allow you to make the choices to change if that is what you want.

If your dh's career is established maybe it is time he provided more support at home so you can reignite yours.

If a career is around 50 years and you take 10, even 20 years out for the baby years that's still a decent length of time to be successful and to have been around whilst your DC are young.
Actually it’s not.
Because whilst you have been out of the loo, things have changed and you haven’t learnt atvte same time than those changes. So yur skills are becoming redundant.
Employers aren’t keen with people who have had a career break.
AND it’s much harder for a woman to break through than a man.
AND it would also mean her DH actually being happy then to step up to support her, which he is likely nit to be happy with after years and years of her supporting him.

Yes some women do have successful career after a ‘break’ looking after children.
There is a reason why it’s the case for so few women.
And when they do they are usually self employed/having their own business - whicthe op might not be able to do in her area.

I’m bery careful with this idea that you ca;have a 20 years break at te time when you are really building your career and somehow it won’t be affecting your prospect that much.
If it was the case, men would be jumping to the opportunity. They’re not.
And it’s makking women responsible if they dint have a career when they are 60yo because really if they had wanted to, they would have...

Yes, I get it.dp is sorted,has a flourishing well paid career.in comparison you feel lost
So get a plan.where you want to be 6mth,1&2year.and how you’ll get there
Fortunately finances aren’t issue,so you can pay fees,course books,childcare
Not being crass but fortunately you can throw money at this.gives you options
Time to get career,and something for yourself that you derive satisfaction from

Did you know the child maintenance service has a cut off point for calculations on high earners? I think it is around £175k so not even all that high in the grand scheme of things. Even with their vastly convoluted how not to put a roof over your child's head loophole system. Eg increase pension payment - decrease maintenance payment (seriously wtf is that about?).

Then you have to go to court and justify more, which even if ruled in your favour can be taken back to court and argued again ad infinitum. So the person with the money to pay lawyers wins.

Keep your job, make sure there is shared parenting in your house.

Every struggling ex of a high earner thought their spouse would never throw them and their dc under the bus the first time the grass looked greener.