Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

Wow-what a response!

Am genuinely touched by the level of understanding here and amazed at the insight from so many of you. Lots of things have really jumped out at me and given me so much to think about.

DH is a lovely man, adores his children and is desperately worried about how unhappy I seem to be. He treats me as an equal, but I can’t see myself in that way.

I do resent him I suppose: I look back over my decisions over the last 8yrs and continually question if they were right or not..

It’s not about actual figures, it’s more than our whole life is how it is because of him (house, car, schools etc) and how he is achieving everything I once thought I would (as the ‘clever’ child and the very successful student). But thank you for starting to convince me of my role in getting him to where he is.

And thank you for the harsher comments. I can’t stress enough how aware I am that I am so blessed to be in this position, and we try hard to give back (I volunteer and we donate a sizeable chunk of our income every month to charity) but I realise that doesn’t change everyone’s situation.

I like the advice to make a plan. That will help me I think to get my head around the current position.

I’ll also check out the facilitating thread.

I'm saying that if her husband did not have her but was a single parent with 4 kids and everything else to do yes his career would most certainly take a dive if he wanted to be a PROPER parent.
Of course if he intended to send all his children to boarding school or dump them on a childminder 24/7 that would be fine but they would have no normal childhood with a caring parent and most certainly would not have the quality of life that they have now with OP at home especially with 4 children under 7.
It is the biggest regret of my life that I wasn't at home with my son, we both suffered, I have more memories of work than I do of my child. I had to do it to keep a roof over our heads, it wasn't my choice.
Stop pretending that it's idea for both parents to have high flying careers while the kids are dumped on carers. It isn't ok. if you think that's ok then you shouldn't have any children.

Do make a plan,map out what you want,and how to get there.and good luck

I’d love to be in OP’s position. The luxury of being there for my children is priceless.

I speak as a single parent on a low wage, with no support from ex. My children have been constantly with childminders, and been ‘latchkey’ kids. I would’ve loved to have cooked, done homework, take my children away in the holidays, do fulfilling voluntary work, all ‘paid for’ by my high earning partner.

I cannot identify with the OP’s problem at all I’m afraid.

That’s a loaded post all about you irritated60.stop projecting your disatisfaction
Liberal use of dumped/dumping children.how v predictable that you slate nursery
Meanwhile,In the real world, children flourish and are happy in nursery as parents work

Really howlong?do you not understand need for self-approbation and autonomy
A full fridge and dosh is great,but it’s not enough to have material wealth
Op simply wants something that is hers,something for herself.is that so alien

Pass him on to me. I'd love to only work part time and pursue some projects the rest of the time. (don't have children).
Could you do something interesting, but that doesn't pay or not well. Write a novel? Start a new small company? Become a local councillor?

ricepolo even with being able to work part time (and I know how lucky I am) I sometimes feel that I have let myself down because I never followed through with seeing how far I could do - because I was facilitating others.

Figure out what you want and then see how he can help facilitate this - a partnership should be equal

As I have said you do have the power together to make changes

OP I completely understand.

My DH is really lovely and wouldn't have minded if I'd never worked.

But during a short period of being a SAHP I just knew it would never be enough for me. Facilitating someone else's success has its own rewards but I want my own success too.

Fortunately, we've been able to carve out a life where we mutually facilitate each other in our work lives and raise a family in a way that has been fun and positive.

FFS if a career is what she wants then becoming a local councillor or a school governor or whatever is just make-work. It’s not the same thing.

FFS if a career is what she wants then becoming a local councillor or a school governor or whatever is just make-work. It’s not the same thing.

True, but then the OP didn't HAVE to have four kids, did she? She made the choice to have a big family and with that choice have come sacrifices in terms of her career - or not. Given that she and her DH are so incredibly well off she could easily hire a fantastic nanny and go back to work, if she chose to. We all make choices in life and sometimes the hard part is living with the consequences of those choices. But the OP is not trapped. She can choose to go back to work if she wants to. She has the money to do whatever she wants. The only thing holding her back is herself.

I can’t see how a paid salary from the dh will help. Sounds worse if you’re looking for something on your own. Joint finances would mean it’s a non solution in any case

Same goes for governor etc roles

Think about what you’d love to do most and go for it

Am I the only one who thinks we just can't have it all ?
That there have to be compromises, that the fantastic Womens Libbers in the 1960's thought we could but we just can't.

What is the difference between being defined by being a SAHM or by a career?

Why is identity tied up with either of those things?

OP raising 4 children is a huge job in itself, and a great achievement if you do it well. Presumably you made the carefully planned decision to sacrifice your career in order to allow your husband to progress, and you to have so many kids? If career was so important to you, you could have just had one or two children. So actually I think you should stand by your decisions and enjoy the life you have.

@Juneau absolutely spot on....she made her choices. Some of us have none whatsoever. Now she is moaning because she feels trapped. She doesn't have a clue what really being trapped is like, how incredibly disinpowering.
She needs to find a life and take some initiative instead of whineing in my opinion

Raising a family isn’t a job.it simply isn’t.its not subject to external scrutiny or to a jd
Being a parent isn’t the be all end all.some women need something else.
The op isn’t satisfied and that’s fair enough,she needs something fir herself

Nanny0gg
What is the difference between being defined by being a SAHM or by a career?
Why is identity tied up with either of those things?

Because one's occupation, skills etc are part of a whole plethora of attributes which make up self-identity. There is a shed load of research on this if you want to read more.

@Lipstick with the resources and choices that the OP has she can do anything she wants IF she wanted to, IF she had tge drive and IF she took the initiative. Clearly whinging is easier it seems

I see you’ve popped up berating the op again bluemoon.its a bit tired now
Op has a different life to you,and a disposable income.so what?thats how it goes

Bluemoon1

@Lipstick with the resources and choices that the OP has she can do anything she wants IF she wanted to, IF she had tge drive and IF she took the initiative.
And what about you? What if you took the initiative in your situation? What are you doing about it?

Clearly whinging is easier it seems
The OP is asking for advice on one aspect of her left. That's all. She also asked us to be kind, which nearly everyone - except you - is being. The only person round here whinging, is you.

life, I meant life

@Lipstick I am free to 'pop up' and expresa my opinions whenever I choose

Yes,I refer you to my previous post were I indeed said you can vociferously express POV
Id also said,if you vociferously express POV expect to be challenged on it

I’ve been a SAHM to three children , I’ve worked nights in a call centre to make ends meet, I have worked in a good challenging corporate job with mid-range responsibility.

When was I happiest? Working in a challenging job with my own income. But it’s not easy, it’s exhausting.

I’ve gone to the conclusion that happiness in life is not an end in itself - it’s s byproduct of living a busy and productive life that has meaning.

Op you need to find some meaning whether st Home or in the workplace. You are fortunate to have a choice - so use your good fortune to do something meaningful.