Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

Huh shutit? From the OP:

"I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman."

She clearly isn't comfortable with her situation. She believes men and women could be equals. I get the strong impression she does want to be a working person as she is unhappy being wife and mum and not part of the workplace. My comment was (clearly) aimed at the OP and her specific situation. Not general women anywhere. If others are happy being SAHM then more power to them. OP is not.

You are in the wonderful position of being able to have 4 children and be able to afford it! You can have a career if you want or stay at home or a combination of the 2, or even change career through further study. Money buys you all these options so make the most of it!

Marks place. Will reply later. Am 20 years on from where you are.

I'd have a good think about what you want to do with your life and how you can make a real difference in the world.
Presumably you can afford a nanny / whatever child care you want so make the most of it.

Could you volunteer for a charity that could make invaluable use of your skills?
Any gaps in parent support at school?
Fostering or adopting children with additional needs?
Start a charity of your own?

The world is your lobster. Think about the contribution you can make to the world your children will live in rather than your contribution to the bills

Think about it this way - if it wasn't for you deciding (presumably on your own) to take a new direction when your children arrived then he probably wouldn't be where he is today. You have more than likely helped him and his career more than you know.
Just because you don't need to work doesn't mean you shouldn't if you want to - I know a few people you do this as they like having their own money to spend however they wish.
I am in your shoes, having chosen to give up work for work related and personal reasons, that one being that DP now earns very well than my wage isn't needed, my DP is a man who grew up with values than men provide for their families so woman shouldn't have to but leaving my work was solely my choice, my DP never said he wanted me to quit, only that he wanted me to be in the position to choose and had I have chosen to stay he would have supported me 100%. Speak to you DH and see if (when DC is older) you could get back into work if you choose so.

Shutit, I have said in my posts that it's a possibiliy and not one many women want which is their choice. I know of quite a few women who went back very quickly to work, all of them self employed in various jobs. But it's not as unusual as you think, just maybe not talked about. It's a choice some people make and one that many women never think exists really.

I really get this. Different situation. I have more income than DH despite not having a real job anymore. And doing the housekeeping and dealing with the mental load has fucked badly with my self image. I’ve always had a career. Not sure who I am now.

I dreaded going back to work after mat leave. But then, I had no choice and had to do days nights, weekends and 12 hr shifts. On next to no sleep, it nearly bloody killed me. It was never an option NOT to go back.

I think the OP needs to recognise her huge contribution to the family and also, her husband’s contribution in working hard which presumably allowed her to stay home and tend the kids.

I get a bit hacked off with people who are in a pretty good position, moaning about what they’ve not/can’t do.

OP:

In a nutshell what you are missing is validation. Previously your validation and thus your self worth, was derived from paid employment.

You are worth no less now- you are raising your children and contributing to your husband’s success. What you need to do is work out where that gap is amd what would make you feel like your contribution and thus your very self, is valued.

-inside the family unit- is DH truly appreciative of what you are doing? Show him that facilitation thread. Talk about it. Make sure he is aware that his ability to work unencumbered is because you are there. Do not allow yourself to slip into unhealthy dynamics - he needs to respect your contributions. Make sure you have full financial security in case of dhs death, illness, inability to work or if he ever leaves.

• outside the home. Trickier. Society in general doesn’t value domestic contributions. So here you will need to find a way. That’s very individual to you

You are in a privileged position in that money is not a limiting factor. It does give you many more options. Basically you need to secure your position and find yourself, as twatty as that sounds ;)