Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

I worked bloody hard to get my degree, then even harder t advance in my career. My 29 I had to stop working due to debilitating illness. I live in constant severe pain requiring large doses of morphine. Many days I can't even pick my children up without the pain making me cry.

But hey, I don't have cancer and I have a roof over my head so I have no right to complain apparently.

Problems are relative. Just because one person's life is in tatters doesn't mean that someone else can't really be struggling with comparatively minor difficulties. I'm sure there are people for whom your problems seem trivial Bluemoon since you have your health, somewhere to stay, live in a country where you can access healthcare and financial assistance even if that's difficult.

I realised a long time ago that however much I'm suffering, I have no right to say that other people's problems are trivial. I am truly sorry you've had such an horrendous time - went through similar when I was a child and it was very difficult. I hope things improve soon. Please stop seeing other peoples complaints as a sleight on you.

You should never feel bad about your situation.
Your contribution has enabled you OH to do well in his career.
i should know because I was a career woman single parent and I missed out on so many promotions because I knew I simply could not manage the role as a single mum.
Imagine if he was a single dad with 4 kids. Not only would be have to do all the household tasks and arrange childcare but also do bills and the 101 things that you do.
He would not be able to manage and the whole edifice would fall down.
You are invaluable to him so enjoy your role.
I'd love to have had more children and stayed at home with them.

@Stealth with respect I think that we should worry about the very real problems that people in the UK face every day before we worry about helping people or worrying about people from other countries no matter what their issues are.
It is impossible to help everyone, but to have the 'woe is me' attitude when people all across the World but specifically the UK are losing their homes, victims of crime, unable to afford food, suffering Ill health and unable to access NHS services or benefits etc is selfish.

"He would not be able to manage and the whole edifice would fall down.". There are lots of single parents on mn who work film time. I'm not one of them but if I was I'd be really insulted by this

With respect I could not disagree more and I think you've neatly side stepped responding to the point I was making

There are currently prisoners of war in the middle east (and I guess it also depends on how you view Guantanamo Bay) even in 2017.

Bluemoon I have read your posts and while I feel for the situation that you find yourself in it does not give you the right to tell someone else that she does not have the right to be unhappy.

The difference though is that the OP has the power to do something about it and that is what she should do

She's right tho that I was b meaning pows, was meaning people affected by war anyway

@Tammy i don't "have my health" actually. I have severe health issues including very severe back pain and mobility issues as a result as well as several other medical issues.

OP, I’m in a similar position to you. Pre-DC, my DH and I used to earn almost exactly the same (we are the same age and met at work).

After a few years as a SAHM, then returning to work in a different role and part time, while his career moved forward in leaps and bounds, he now earns a LOT more than me.

The thing is - I don’t mind at all. I have an interesting, rewarding career. I’m lucky to be able to work part time and spend lots of time with my DC, and I also have a voluntary position that I enjoy. My DH genuinely values my role as the more hands-on parent and ‘gets’ that it has enabled him to progress further than he would otherwise have been able to. He also doesn’t use it as an excuse to opt out of family life at the weekend.

To be honest, I think it’s the perfect set up. Maybe you can reach that point too? What needs to change in order for you to get there?

Personally if I was in your position I would do charity work or study something I was really interested in AND a 'salary' from my DH for facilitating his life. There was/is a thread on here about women support men to facilitate their careers. Your DH can enjoy the success his career gives him and a family life because of you. Obviously depends on what he earns but I would be starting at the salary I could earn if I did the job I was qualified to do and then add on for all the crap such as cleaning the toilets. You can then save money and put money into a pension for yourself.

After that I would employ a cleaner/ironing lady etc and go for coffee and play golf on my days. Job done.

Employers aren’t keen with people who have had a career break

Women need to get sharp at recognising when employers are discriminating against them and be prepared to call them in it.

The Equality Act has done a reasonable job at putting structured in place to create a more level playing field, but women still need to stick up for themselves in a positive way such as

• not being prepared to respond to discriminatory questions at interview "do you have plans for more DC?" " what are your child care arrangements?" Things that men just don't get asked.

• recognising when they have been overlooked for a promotion when on Mat Leave.

Get clued up, research, the Internet is a great source of information and awareness about fighting and challenging negative organisational stereotypes behaviours and perceptions.

Bluemoon1
@Stealth with respect I think that we should worry about

There you go again. Dictating what "we should worry about". How dare you dictate this.

You've evaded answering Stealth's point, and mine.

And mine.

I have severe health issues including very severe back pain and mobility issues as a result as well as several other medical issues.

but what if someone who had worse medical issues than you came along and told you that you had no right to complain about your health?

I'm sorry that things are hard for you, but that doesn't mean the OP doesn't have a right to express her feelings.

I think you need to address the obsession with money. You are in the extremely fortunate position of being able to do pretty much anything, so go and do it. Value does not come from money.

Facilitated men 1 and 2

@Flower pot
I failed to answer your post because it was so contemptuous that it was not worth responding to.
May I suggest that you go and crawl under your flowerpot.
You have no compassion or understanding.
I too have the RIGHT to feel aggrieved and upset that the OP is moaning about a hard working, high earner husband. I am sure that it must be so difficult going for coffee and Spa days, not worrying about money, ever and being free. Ohhh what a dreadful life she lives.
This may come as a surprise to you, but we live in a democratic society and when you are living in a dump (womens refuge) through the actions of your partner, NOT yourself and going through hell, I think that you have a little more right to "moan" and deserve to do so a little more than someone living a blessed life and doesn't know it

Why are you insulted by that Stealth?
I worked full time in a very stressful job as a senior ward manager as a single parent and some nights I'd be in tears trying to juggle things on my own and cope with my job.
I also felt incredible guilty as my son was always with childminders and I was never able to go to school events or school plays or be there when my son needed me.
It would be a nightmare trying to juggle a full time job and 4 kids, one of whom is still a baby.
Why would anyone do that if they didn't actually have to?
I'm just saying that she shouldn't feel inadequate because she isn't "having it all". What is your problem with that?

In a similar position but without me DH couldn’t have a family as I run that, it’s a team effort, he couldn’t be a SAHP and I couldn’t do his job. Yes, sometimes I feel I don’t deserve to be in this position but it works for us.

You're suggesting the whole thing for single working parents falls down, in fact you're stating it as a fact.

Bluemoon,you have right to vociferously express POV.and I have right to challenge it
Can you see your ire is directed at wrong person,op isn’t responsible for your rotten situation
The person responsible is your ex.he is responsible for his behaviour toward you
The op finances are separate and unrelated to your situation.and op doesn’t have to stop moaning as you put it

Bluemoon1 I don't know what is wrong with you, but something obviously is.

I too have the RIGHT to feel aggrieved and upset that the OP
Why exactly do you have the right to feel aggrieved but the OP doesn't have the right to feel useless?

Ohhh what a dreadful life she lives.
If you think that Bluemoon1. The OP and nobody else here has said she leads a dreadful life, only you. Why is that do you think?

when you are living in a dump (womens refuge) through the actions of your partner, NOT yourself and going through hell, I think that you have a little more right to "moan" and deserve to do so a little more than someone living a blessed life and doesn't know it
No, you're wrong. You don't have any more right. You have probably much more to complain about, but you don't have any greater right, nor do you know the extent to which something affects another person.

Stop dictating.

Personally if I was in your position I would do charity work or study something I was really interested in AND a 'salary' from my DH for facilitating his life.

This! I get a salary to call my own and I’ve put some time and effort into studying something useful. (Although I have said I’d also like to study cake decorating 😂)

Op does want a stipend for being a good wife.she wants autonomy and self worth
Is it so hard to grasp?one can be materially wealthy and still want something more

Op does not want a stipend for being a good wife.she wants autonomy and self worth
Is it so hard to grasp?one can be materially wealthy and still want something more