Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

Exactly,where finances are tight it’s a struggle to get change going

OP I would struggle with the financial imbalance too.

But despite my husband earning a huge amount, and him saying that he would have no problem with my becoming a SAHM, I have clung on to my stressful (almost) full time role. Not just that, I've worked hard at it, pushed for promotion and succeeded.

There's obviously a cost. My kids are looked after by a nanny rather than me. At most, during weekdays I see them for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening - but that's optimal and quite frequently I will not see them Mon-Thurs, especially if I'm travelling.

They are generally happy, do well at school, have a great relationship with our nanny and lots of clubs, playdates etc. But I miss them hugely and know they want more from me.

It's simply a choice. There's no perfect option but this way my professional role enables me to think of myself as an equal to DH. I couldn't live with the imbalance if I were at home.

You can choose too, OP.

@Lipstick she is ungrateful, massively so.
While she is busy thinking of herself with no consideration whatsoever for anyone else, there are people experiencing real problems and real hardship while she is feeling sorry for herself whilst wallowing in the Jacuzzi, eating food from M&S or John Lewis and drinking Bollinger. Some people do not realise how lucky they are.

Bluemoon,I want to acknowledge your distressing post about abusive ex.and the difficulties and impact that’s caused.
I hope things do improve for you and that new year brings better times

Blue moon there are always people worse off. Presumably there are people worse off than you, does that mean you have no right to complain?

In fairness,op has not said she’s knocking back champers like patsy.
Don’t project disparaging stereotypes onto op because she’s solvent

@Stealth I have acknowledged that in my post if you read it correctly.
Of course I realise that, but what I have touched on in my post is just a small fraction of what I have been through again and again.... but still I get up and somehow get on while ungrateful people who don't know how lucky they are feel sorry for themselves.
I would trade with her in a heartbeat

OP its difficult to see the hoizon when youre stuck in the woods... i know for me that working is vital for my mental health and how my children relate to me and their worlds.

Im earning shite money tbh but its enough. Ive never just worked for today ... generally worked and planned for 5 and 10 years ahead due to my ambition and future requirements in industry.

I chose to have 3 dc and have had some associated career disruption which is understandable. My exDH on the other hand, expected to do as he pleased re work and i just had to fit in around it.

When a pretty serious bullying situaiton came to a head at work (id already had time off for a breakdown and had returned) I wanted to discuss career choices and opportunities with him.

Every suggestion, moving, downsizing, career change was shot down by him. He actually accused me of threatening him when i had the temerity to suggest id give the role another 6 months and then decide what to do. Asshole.

I digress OP - i suppose i am saying that you are important, your choices for you matter and whether DH is supportive or not, invest wisely in yourself and your working life. Remind him of what he has been able to achieve with your support.

Maybe, and i say this gently, there is some resentment on your part. I understand that completely and would say it comes from a place where you are insecure and probably feeling left behind a little.

Dont let it continue. Assert your needs and put a plan together.

I have only skimmed the responses. My response is....
You can contribute other stuff over and above money. You already are, how much is a mum worth? Answer= the whole world.
Professionally maybe now are in a position where you can create something perhaps, a charity, a helpline, a society, become a school/hospital govenor/ fundraiser, parish counsellor, local counsellor/MP You have your creativity and energy, unfettered by money worries, lucky you!

Bluemoon,you have no objectivity on this.your words about op are harsh,eg moaning
Op doesn’t have to justify herself

You have the foundations on which to build a career or a business. Use that. The "need" to work is not only financial, it can go to the very core of many of us, as it does for you, and your self esteem.

The only thing you need to do is actually act on it. Find work. Or start a business from your home, classic kitchen table scenario.

I'm in the situation where I could give up work, as DP earns enough (through my facilitation, as well as his hard work). But like Husky on the first page, I never would.

I enjoy my job, it brings money in, it keeps me current so that should anything happen to DP, or to us as a couple, I will be able to support myself and my children. If charity work and looking after the family is leaving you down, then as soon as your baby is old enough, get back out there. Get childcare, get help with the house, and do it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to work.

And she herself has acknowledged its a nice problem to have but is describing the way she feels.

Bluemoon by your logic you’ve no right to complain because there are millions of people starving. The OP doesn’t sound ungrateful at all, she is unfulfilled and has a right to those feelings. I hope things improve for you soon.

Naked why gave you picked those jobs out?

Are you not satisfied by your work? surely that's what affects your self esteem, not earning power. I'm a TA,poorly paid but great job satisfaction. DH earns loads more but doesn't enjoy his job.

@Stealth yes it is a lovely "problem" to have (not really a 'problem' imo) I am confident that millions of people who can barely afford to feed their children or old people who can not afford to heat their homes etc would LOVE to have the same 'problem'.

Bluemoon1 have you actually read the OP's post?

You do not know how fortunate you are.
Yes she does. She says so in her post.

I would give anything to be in the situation you are in.
So what? That doesn't change the OP's experience.

With respect I think that you need to stop moaning, be grateful and count your blessings.
How dare you dictate how the OP should feel. Does anyone dictate to you how you should feel?

There are people in the UK with much bigger issues and those who can barely afford to eat or provide for their families while you are wealthy, secure and wallowing in luxury.
So what? So the OP is never allowed to experience or admit to experiencing negative or unhelpful emotions because other people have bigger problems? When exactly are people allowed to express negative feelings Blue then? When you can find not a single other soul on earth in a harder position than you?

My DH is hugely successful and I haven't needed to work since we got together a lot of years ago.

But I've always wanted to be successful in my own right too. People find this ambition disconcerting in women. Especially once they have children - we are meant to find complete satisfaction in the domestic sphere.

Women and men are equals. You were brought up to believe they should earn equal amounts of money, have equal amounts of power and get equal recognition. Not quite the same thing. Your dh is not superior to you, he just earns more - he is not hundreds of thousands of times more valuable to the world than other human beings, the world would not end if he suddenly stopped doing what he does, he has just manoeuvred himself into a position of wealth and power with your help and support. You now benefit from the wealth without having the power and recognition. This does not make you a less valuable member of society in your own right, just a less powerful one than your husband, but with more access to cash than many other women doing the same things as you. Unfortunately, recognition in society is based far more on power than usefulness or hard work, so if you want your usefulness to be recognised, you have to become less useful to your own family, husband and local community than you currently are and more powerful, instead - ie useful in more influential ways, not necessarily better ones. Your family does not need you to do this, financially, but you may well feel the need to do it for yourself. You would be exceptionally vain to think you need to do it for the benefit of the rest of the world! As for the stress involved - does your dh actually enjoy what he does? Or is he trapped by his own reputation as a successful career man?

And I feel confident that prisoners of war would love to live like pensioners in this country.
Do you see my point?

@Stealth what decade are you in?? I personally am in 2017 (i think) there are very few Prisoners of war held anywhere in the World these days..... That was during WW1 and WW2.. I think things have moved on a little since those times although you wouldnt know it.

Sorry types in haste. Refugees then. Point still stands

I think you’re job is harder - raising 4 kids! Wow!

And I'm living in 2017 where the UK still is a rich country and there are many many people worse off