Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

WeAll hope I’m sorry but I dintbthink the OP had the same opportunities. Not do I believe that any woman who is married and has children has.
Because the pressure of society is such that it is EXPECTED for the woman to step down and be happy to ‘just’ be a mum.
It takes a lot of self awareness and understanding of how the system is working to be able to see what’s going in when there is the need for one partner to be more present and to slow down on the career path.

There is also a need for BOTH partners to be happy to step up and take in 50% of the work and responsibilities associated iwth being a parent. Men don’t do that automatically, actually when they do 25% they think they are gods who do everything in the house. And usually women think so too and considered themselves happy with the way their H behaves.

And then women have to deal with the guilt, guilt to leave their dcs with a childminder, guilt of not always being able to be able to put their dcs to bed etc... men don’t have that guilt. It’s normal.

So nope. Women do NOT have the same choice and oppritnuities. Saying they have is again making them responsible of a deep structural issue that favours men vs women. Why should they be sole responsible for the issue when it favours men???

The issue of getting divorced is another subject but yes the risk is just as important if the H is a high earner or not.

Well here we are,you’re pretty much being encouraged on mn to stay put,not initiate change
Do make change if you want to don’t settle for gratitude cause your dp is wealthy
The +ve are you can pay fees,purchase childcare etc to support your plans
You said you’ve volunteered,that’s +ve. What career would you like to pursue?

Btw, the inky way I found tomsolve that issue is to out as much importance in YOUR job than in your DH job. Even if you earn much much less.
I suspect it will mean find a childcare system that would work for you on your own (nanny?) and push and push again formyour DH to take in more responsibilities. Yes even if it mean he is missing out of x or y at work.
Have a plan in your head on where you want to go in 5 years time. Tell yu R DH, and tell him this is your career plan and you will need his suppport. Ask for his help to make that happen.
I suspect his reaction will tell you a lot of how he sees your input in the family life and the importance of your career compare to his.

You do not know how fortunate you are. I would give anything to be in the situation you are in. I have worked hard all my adult life, but never been in the position you are in and never met a man who is either a hard worker, wealthy or even decent.
With respect I think that you need to stop moaning, be grateful and count your blessings.
There are people in the UK with much bigger issues and those who can barely afford to eat or provide for their families while you are wealthy, secure and wallowing in luxury.

lipstick I’m finding that MNis actually quite backwards, despite all the calls of it being invaded my femists.
The default position seems to always be ‘be content with your lot at least you’re not beaten up etc etc
K :(:(

Nope. There is no need to be grateful to be treated like the 5th wheel of the cart, with no respect at all for you as a person with its hopes, wish of a career etc...
It has nothing to do with money. You can live the high life with lots of money and still be treated like a second class citizen.

And as for her H, he she is working and is doing well THANKS TO the op support.
It’s doesn’t t mean he is a great guy. Noth8ng in the OP says he is a great guy. Just a guy who works, has the luck to have been able to go to Uni and be supported in his career so he can have it all, money, wife and children.

Things wont always be like this. Your dc will grow annd be in school and you will be freer. When we have babies its hard to invisage an independent life againn but it will come.
My dh was a high earner and we were very comfortable..mortgage paid etc. Then he got ill and had to retire early. My salary was vital and l was glad l had kept going over the years. I also had good savings as my salary hadn't been needed as much.
So relax in where you are now. And change with the circumstances. You don't expect to have 4 pregnancies and things to be the same but its all good and will turn out fine. Dont look too far ahead.

Recently on mn someone complained feminism had gone too far
Hmm,same feminism that secured rights and legal change we take for granted
Ah,that feminism.the one that normalised women working and accessing education

What on earth advice is dont look too far ahead. Do look far ahead op.
Because dp is solvent doesn’t mean you need never assert yourself or your aspirations
It’s wholly permissible to step back and want something for yourself.your individual self worth

@RagingFeminist
I would trade what is going on in my life for hers in a heartbeat. It's not about being grateful, it's about putting things into perspective.
As I said I have worked hard all my adult life and I would give anything to have the security of my own home alone... the freedom that brings is a luxury that I have never had.

I think the first thong you need to do is stop thinking about yourself in comparison with him and simply concentrate on what you want - always wanted a different career? You can afford to retrain. You can afford good, reliable childcare and home help. You could afford to focus entirely on volunteering (without which a great many support services would stop running) and I promise you if you're the person spending time with service users, delivering meals on wheels, using counselling or coaching skills to help them, giving them lifts to hospital appointments, not one of them is going to be saying 'yeah, but it's not like she's doing the same as her husband' because the things you'd be doing will matter more to them. It's lovely for your husband that he's in demand but you need to stop defining yourself in his context and find your own.

Thong optional Bloody predictive text.

Bluemoon,your post to op is really mean spirited,she not moaning
shes simply honestly saying she wants something for herself,her self worth
Op acknowledged they’re fortunate to be solvent.that will make her choices easier to execute
I’m sorry to read you’re unhappy bluemoon,but with all respect that’s not the op issue. Op should be told she’s moaning because other women aren’t with solvent partners

Bluemoon,your post to op is really mean spirited,she not moaning
shes simply honestly saying she wants something for herself,her self worth
Op acknowledged they’re fortunate to be solvent.that will make her choices easier to execute
I’m sorry to read you’re unhappy bluemoon,but with all respect that’s not the op issue. Op should not be told she’s moaning because other women aren’t with solvent partners

The OP is unhappy because she feels unfulfilled and that she has had to sacrifice her career in order to facilitate his. Because his career is so successful she can only do stuff that fits around that and the children so volunteering and studying. In effect she has placed herself in a gilded cage. Why should she suck it up and be grateful just because she has money - she feels unfulfilled and unhappy.

OP I think you need to have a serious chat with him as it happens about how it works going forward - you dont want to (and neither would I) spend the rest of your life being a SAHM and Housewife (and why should she) and figure out exactly how it could work with you going back - and it may (shock/horror) involve some sacrifices on his part.

And ignore all those who tell you you should be grateful for what you have money is not everything - striking the balance where you can both be fulfilled is part and parcel of being in a partnership

@Lipstick......
I think that the OP is being extremely selfish and that Is an understatement tbh.
It's more than just 'unhappy' as you put it..... while she is moaning and wallowing in a luxury home with her children and being hugely ungrateful, I have just escaped a situation where my ex partner hit me and tried to rape me.
I escaped with virtually nothing and now I am in a shitty refuge with nothing. I have little support and no family or anyone. I face spending Christmas in this dump and I am so depressed that I am one second away from a breakdown so please don't patronize me.
As I said in my original post, OP should count her blessings....i would also go as far as to say she has got a cheek when there are millions of children living in poverty in the UK alone and some people without so much as a roof over their heads.
I never thought I would be in this situation, the fall from grace can happen quickly and when you least expect it. The OP would do well to remember that.

You made lif choices and now you’re feeling inadequate compared to yourdh’s achievement. What do you/did you want? I’d say you’ve been very successful TOGETHER. Four children and comfortably off in a society where lots of families work 2/3 jobs, relying on inadequate childcare so that they can work to make ends meet.

Yabu. Stop and take a look at your very significant achievement and enjoy what you have. If you’re unable to do that, employ childcare and start climbing the career ladder again. You do have choices. Lots of people don’t.

Well DC 4 is still tiny so there is no rush to develop a hugely demanding career.

My DH earned well and was always away. So I thought my role was to keep a nice home and be there for DCs.
However I now see my role was to give myself a happy life, - why should everyone have a great time whilst I 'fit around them'.
I agree with LipstickCoffee on the previous page.

Work out what you want to be in 10 or 20 years time. Not easy but you have to make decisions or just muddle continuously until it's too late, get paid child care au pair/ childminder to help and a cleaner and start carving out YOUR life. Being a happy person probably does your DCs more favours than being a bored but dedicated mum.

Get a nanny and go back to work, you can afford to do that, and for your own wellbeing it would be the best plan. What does your dh think?

I’d feel the same too, I’d hate to be bankrolled by a man. But your worth is so much more than being defined by his earnings. In the short term don’t worry about it but take your time and I am sure you’ll find a job or activity that will help boost your self esteem x

Bluemoon,clearly your individual circumstances have impacted on you.that has no bearing on op
Op shouldn’t have to shut up and be grateful for her solvent life cause others have less
You’re being really mean spirited and essentially telling op she’s ungrateful

I suggest you don't monetise everything you do - that is the reason why the world is fucked, as the higher earning roles are esteemed (bankers), and the ones where lives are being saved eg ambulance drivers, are not.
You can do roles where you are fulfilled and make a contribution, it's not all about the money (think teacher, nurse, social worker, the list is endless)

Retrain, find your passion and do something worthwhile. You are in very very lucky position to be able to afford childcare and household help to help you achieve your dreams. Discuss your plans with your DH.

I think you're being a bit pathetic by the way, don't you realise how fortunate you are? Surely you can work this stuff out for yourself, even by just reading stuff on these boards. Take some responsibility and take your life by the scruff of its neck and do something.

My friends mum retrained whilst we were at high school.her mum flourished

You’re in a good position to build something you want to do. So go for it

Much harder if finances inhibit you