An update on my 'To top off my crap year...' thread

[October]

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And, Lou, he REALLY was ill last night. I'm not happy with him, but he did look really poorly.

yes but dior, he was able to spend all day at work

this is your marriage at stake, he could have at least tried, i mean why couldnt he have come home ealry for a sleep so he could go with you, for example?

did he go to work today?

Totally agree with lou's last post.

Dior he doesn't deserve you

i bet he went to work today

He's working from home as it is ds' birthday. Feels much better today, but still sounds dreadful. I am not making excuses for him - I am cross but he really is ill. He doesn't get ill often, but when he does get a cold, it is a major one.

This week has been crap really. I am gutted about my friend, really gutted. I feel much better now I have had a cry and my sister has given me a hug. If she had been here this week, I think I would have dealt better with it all. She understands me.

The marriage IS over. I know that and I accepted it last night.

it's a cold , he isnt dying, he could have gone if he felt it important enough

he is obvioulsy well enough to sit at home and work, so he could have sat at relate for an hour

how do you feel about admitting this decision? are you ok?

happy birthday to ds btw

lsoi think your reaction to your friend being made redundant is possibly more emotional because of all the turmoil surrounding your personal life atm

i get like it all the time lol

~also

(sorry am tired)

sorry babe, but im with lou here. He didnt HAVE to spend all day at work yesterday, knowing that the appointment was important.

Im pleased you have accepted the marriage is over, it really sounds as if the emoitonal stuff at home is impacting on the redundancies at work.

Always here if u need a chat mate x

Thanks you two

I feel quite sad that youve decided its over in a way, as I know how strange you must be feeling. But I also know that there comes a point where you have to do the right thing.

Your counselling session sounds like it was very useful. I wish i had a "truth" - at the moment the truth is I feel crap, and P is making me nervous - i just wish he would piss off and move into his new place right now.

its like the last 20 years never happened - I dont know this person, apart from the odd flashes of predictability.

Lasty friday DD and I went on an organised bat hunt. it was the most fantastic thing we've done in ages, she loved it. We didnt get home until 11.30pm - then he launched into this tirade - why were we so late, why didnt I answer my phone (because i wasnt going to take it on a walk to observe wildlife FFS!) why didnt I ask when it was going to finish at the start and let him know (because noone else had to report in!)etc.

It just took the shine off a lovely evening - but thats what he does, unless he gets to do something he wants while we are out.

Yesterday he swore at me because I hadnt washed any socks for him!

This all sounds so pathetic and it is, but I just wish he would talk about the big stuff, not pissing little things like socks.

Funny your H isnt keen on you working 5 days a week, Dior - P is SO jealous of the fact that I am still part time, but cannot get his head round the fact that we couldnt manage if I was not able to pick DD up more often than he does. And as for the shopping - well i would just have to do that at the weekend, wouldnt I!

Sorry for the rant - i havent been on here much this week cos of feeling so miserable, I also hit a bad patch when I realised I might never have a real relationship again - the thought scares me so much.

Hope everyone else is ok.

SS - Yes, it does feel sad to have reached that conclusion. I understand what you mean about the petty things. I got annoyed about h telling me how many cans of coke a day I can drink (see postings a few days ago!) I think that when you have got tired of the big stuff and have reached a decision, the small things become too much to bear. I am here for you if you want to talk. When is he moving? Have you got me on MNS?

Anyway, I am the lowest I have been for a long time. I feel really like G does not care about my friend, as long as his job was safe, he is ok. He came up to see me because the 17 yo NVQ girl told him I was really gutted. I blew it totally. He was concerned for me but he got me just at the moment I was angry about them acting as if it was a normal day. I did bite his head off and didn't give him a chance. He didn't react in an understanding manner because he is a typical man. So, it made me realise that I would always be walking around scared to upset him in case he dumped me. I could never go out with him.

I think I should be grateful that he has shown his true colours more. It was almost a laughable situation. He stormed off in a huff and I called him back. He said, 'No, I'm only a BLOKLE' and I called out, 'Please...' like a dick. - pathetic and I laughed at myself afterwards for allowing it to become about HIM beong offended. Mind you, he was trying to be nice and supportive to me. It was like a lovers' tiff .

I'm so confused. Really confused and in a dark place. I agree with Lou that the bad stuff in my life is making the friend's situation seems much worse for me. My sister is nowhere near as upset because she is in love at the moment. So her happy hormones are making it all seem better. Because I am so low anyway, it has meant so much more to me. Also, she was not there in the office yesterday when it happened.

I can't explain how low I feel. I am feeling desperate and wish I could end the turmoil in my head. It is not a nice way to feel. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and I feel like hugging my knees and rocking. I only feel like that when things are desperate. I am going to break soon if something doesn't change.

Hi Dior - I have got you on MSN.

Thats awful about your friend - did you know there were redundancies coming up? We're undergoing a "reconfiguration exercise" at work at the moment - which means we will all have to reapply for our jobs at a lower grade - just what I need when I am about to start living on one salary!

The mood is awful - theres barely a day when someone isnt in tears over something, and we have several staff with severe depression. Yesterday i nearly lost it with someone, and thats not like me - i generally keep my moods for home! Like you say, its probably a womans thing, but theres several of us who are as worried about who will stay if there are redundancies or relocations, as whether we keep our own jobs. When theres a threat of downgrading, it would be almost as bad to keep a grade while others went down, because of the atmosphere that would follow.

I suppose its a good thing you are seeing g in his true light though. Although his reaction today could have been his way of dealing with the relief that he didnt get redindancy. As you say, you would probably have been a lot more positive had eveything else been ok in your life.

By the way, happy birthday to your DS - is he 6 now?

Yes, he is 6 today. Bless him, he hugged me when I was telling h about my friend. I had a tear in my eye and he started crying too and gave me a massive hug. He is so empathetic with people, especially me. Hopefully he won't grow up too much like h...

Sorry you are having things going on at work too. No, I did not have a clue that my friend might go. I am always the last to know anything in that office, and have always said so. My friend (let's call her 'd' to save time!) told me that morning that she thought she might lose her job, but I did not think it would actually happen. She had more inside knowledge than I thought! I am really disappointed in my boss because I think he was making the changes as a knee-jerk reaction to some news he got. I don't feel that the changes were immediately necessary. I also feel that D was not supported adequately in the role. My sister feels the same way.

I can not stress enough how much this has rocked my world. My office was like a family to me. D was like an additional sister. I am surprised at how I felt for her as it is not like me to give my heart to people. She was so honest and always got what I was saying. She gave me some bloody good advice about G too, and did not judge me for my situation.

I really am gutted that my image of my office as a family has been broken. My boss has disappointed me and I have lost a lot of the respect I had for him. G has rejected me and not understood me. My sister was not there when it all kicked off. The NVQ girl has shown more of her character this week too and she is not a sweet 17 yo as I thought. I had this image of my office being my sanctuary from my home life. This sounds pathetic I know.

I have no one to talk to and I feel like I'm going mad. I know I sound like a nutter.

H has not shown any interest in any of it today. I keep wanting to talk to him but he will only try to solve it for me and it is not something I can solve. I will improve over time and will probably be back to my usual self on Monday - where I can at least enjoy work. I just feel like I need a hug from someone who loves me. The only person who does really is asleep and doesn't really understand anyway. He is too little to talk about things like this to.

That must have been an awful shock. P would want to solve things too, I suppose it makes them feel useful and in control if they can sort something out, but sometimes you just want to get it off your chest, dont you.

Your DS sounds really sweet. Some of the boys i know that age are lovely, I hope they keep those qualities as it gives me hope for DD when she is older! She went up a group in reading today, and one of the boys on her table came over to tell me (I was reading with another group). My friend has a great DS too - when we see them he often puts his arm around DD, and he always looks out for her when we go out on the moor.

Sorry, Im holding my eyelids open with matchsticks here, so am going to turn in.

Tomorrow - do i take DD to see harry Potter, or take a chance on it not raining and go out?

Harry of course

Huh, went out in the end - I got sunburnt!

For some reason i think i forgot it was july!

How could you forget that it is July when the waether has been so good

H tried to be nice to me today. He had had a couple of beers at lunch time on a bike ride. When he came in, I went upstairs to lie down. He came up and sat next to me on the bed with one arm over me, and asked why I was tired, were the pills making me that way, have I not been sleeping well...I said that I had a lot on my plate at the moment and he denied that. He asked what I could have on my plate at the moment. I think he knows what I mean but either wants me to come out with it or wants to convince me otherwise.

I have been practising the 'cracked record' thing of repeating myself when I don't want to get drawn into a slanging match. It has worked twice so far.

I managed to speak to D today too. She was much brighter and we talked for quite a while. She seems to think that G stabbed her in the back, and I can see her point. It is very possible that he did, to save his own job in the immediate future. I don't suppose I will ever know. D said that it is possible he did this because he knew that she knows everything about my situation with him. I don't think that is the case, but said to her that I had better watch my own back if that is the case, as I know lots of things about him that could cause him to want to be rid of me.

When I said that, she said, 'But he likes you'. I said he did, but 'not in that way' - meaning fancying, because he had told me he wasn't interested. She said that she wasn't convinced of that. I don't know what made her say that though. I think his text asking to be friends was fairly easy to understand. Yes, he likes me as a friend (well, as much as men at work like women as friends) but he has decided not to go there with me in a sexual way. I don't really think he did it out of decency. In my opinion, most men would take the offer of a shag, whatever the situation, if they fancied the woman.

I think he has gone off me because I have gained weight. I also think that he knows I have feelings for him that would not die away after the sex and he doesn't want to have to bin someone he works with because it could affect his job. I don't think he is being decent - I think he is using the situation with his break up to get me off his case.

I think I think too much

whether he's being decent or otherwise it is eminently sensible not to sh*g a work colleague, especially in a small office. don't assume just because your DH has a weight complex that anyone else does!

yes, you are overthinking, mind on overdrive, i guess the uncertainties of your homelife atm are making the sudden instability of your worklife harder to deal with. maybe focus on your hobbies or your RL friends out of work to try and regain some control?

I know I just like him. I have NO idea why though - he doesn't deserve it. I think I'm so unhappy in my home life that I am projecting desires and feelings on to him that are not really there.

I'm sure things will be better on Monday when my sister is back in the office. My boss and sis & I are going to have a big 'chat' about what is going on with our jobs, and there are several changes afoot. I'm trying not to worry about it all.

I told h about the whole 'office as an extended family' feeling and he did understand why I felt so upset about D being made redundant. He has experienced losing a friend to redundancy at the office. However, he doesn't like the way I feel about the job and he was most disparaging about G when I told him about our tiff! Some jealousy there though I think...

mts is right dior

also you have become obssessed with your weight becausebof your h, i've just seen a more recent pic of you, and you are gorgeous, i dont know what you are worrying about, honestly, though i appreciate it's harder for you to see in the situation you are in

how are you today anyway?

am having a bit of a down weekend but am taking kids to see harry potter this afternooon

Thank you Lou. Not gorgeaous, but I appreciate all the nice comments from people.

New thread here