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Original poster

An update on my 'To top off my crap year...' thread

999 replies

October · 17/04/2007 14:40

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
lou33 · 11/07/2007 20:02

i have never lied to you about what i think wrt all this, i wouldnt start now

mummytosteven · 11/07/2007 20:05

agree with Lou - it shows a hell of a lot more respect to cool things than to have a quickie with you whilst you are feeling vulnerable.

as an aside to weight/sexual attraction - my rather large very outgoing friend at Uni managed (to the chagrin of her english rose slender pal) to pull very easily!

lou33 · 11/07/2007 20:17

think he may have turned a corner after having his own relationship problems, and is taking a good hard lok at himself

ohsmellyjelly · 11/07/2007 20:20

Dior, hope you're ok. You knew G wasn't the man for you when I met you although his attention was something you craved as it was lacking from H. I truly think it's for the best atm that nothing has happened and that he is being honest with you. You need to sort out you and H before starting anything elsewhere IMO.

You are lovely and deserve better than G's "quick shag" as you thought it might be and H's putting you down. Have you any more thoughts on tomorrow?

Thinking of you x

Dumbledior · 12/07/2007 09:25

Well, h has a stinking cold and suggested postponing Relate tonight. I said he should work from home and then he would not be too tired to go. He is working from home tomorrow because it is ds' birthday, so he said he couldn't do two days in a row. Hwe then asked why I was being 'funny' with him. I said it was because he would come home and I would have to go on my own, and he knows how important it is to me.

lou33 · 12/07/2007 09:43

he wont go to something so important regarding the state of your marriage because he has a cold?

i can see how seriously he is taking this

JARM · 12/07/2007 09:44

Agree with Lou - he is taking the piss.

He knows he will hear stuff he doesnt want to tonight, so wants to avoid going altogether

Have none of it - honestly, he is a pathetic excuse for a man

Dumbledior · 12/07/2007 09:45

To be fair, he is very ill with it, and works in London, so it is a long day. HOWEVER, he knows how much this means to me and IS able to phone in and work from home.

JARM · 12/07/2007 09:46

Exactly, there is a solution and he wont have any ofi t because he wants to get out of going tonight.

He didnt go last week, it is paramount he goes this week

lou33 · 12/07/2007 10:11

ok he is really really ill with a cold

he can travel 60miles to work and spend hte whole day there, because he doesnt want to let them down, but he wont attend a couple of hours at relate , upon which your entire marriage can stand, because he is poorly?

putting something else before you again and not taking your feelings seriously

Dumbledior · 12/07/2007 15:29

I have kept my sister on for babysitting, and will tell him when he gets in that I do expect him there. If he says no, I will tell him that I now know his view on the marriage and will act accordingly.

Dumbledior · 12/07/2007 15:58

Oh, and it has been a shit day. My female colleague has been made redundant. Although my sister and I appear to be safe at the moment, that is not to say that we will be in the future! I will really miss my colleague

lou33 · 12/07/2007 15:59

sorry about your colleague

i think you have the right attitude about tonight tho, he has to see how important it is!

mylittlestar · 12/07/2007 16:27

Stick to your guns about tonight Dior.

If he can do a full day in work he can do an hour at Relate! I think your post at 15:29:48 is spot on.

Good luck xx

Tanee58 · 12/07/2007 16:48

Dior, hope he comes to his senses - a box of tissues and a dose of panadol are in order.

Good luck for tonight, whether he goes or not.

Sorry about your colleague. We're losing two interns and I wonder how we'll get through the workload. Having a laugh over the new applicants though...

Dumbledior · 12/07/2007 18:23

I'm really pissed off about my friend being made redundant. My ADs have kept me on an even keel, but although I am not feeling the emotion, my head knows it is there, IYKWIM. I am not happy.

I think h will get short shrift tonight if he tries to dodge out of it. I have this mantra now:

I cannot be what he wants me to be
He cannot be what I want him to be
I do not love him
I do not want him

I have been fine with G toiday, and the redundancies (there were two in total) meant that I could talk to him. He reassured me that my job was safe, which he should not have done. Before I left, I asked him how he felt, because he worked closely with her. He seemed ok, and it was not really a shock for him. He didn't mind talking to me about things though. I think he felt a little weird around me, but both of us are dealing with it. It was easier than I thought it would be.

Not a good day and it is probably going to get worse. My head is all over the place.

ohsmellyjelly · 12/07/2007 20:36

Thinking of you Dior, hope all is ok tonight..

sallysparrow · 12/07/2007 23:24

How did it go Dior? Did you both go?

Dumbledior · 12/07/2007 23:57

No, he came home at 6.30pm and went straight to bed. I made it clear that I was not happy. I said, 'I asked you not to go to work' and he said, 'Well, I ask you to do lots of things but...' I just wouldn't go there with him and have an argument.

The session went really well though. Counsellor worked at strategies with me to make me keep to my 'truth' - which is the mantra thing I posted earlier. He said that, if Mark tries to make me feel I should do something, or tries to chip away at my strength, I should remember my 'truth' and not let him. I should do the broken record thing of, 'I'm not prepared to discuss this outside the counselling room' and just repeat ad nauseum. Or, 'I'm not prepared to do that' etc etc.

It all made sense. I really wish that h had been there because I feel confident that he would have had to admit some things. Now I have to wait another week before I get to hear how it goes. In the meantime, I have the strategies to help me cope with anything he throws at me.

I feel more positive about it all.

JARM · 13/07/2007 08:20

Oh sweetheart, im sorry M was a git. Surely he must realise that there is no future, and maybe that is why he doesnt want to go to Relate? He doesnt want to face up to it, and probably thinks that by avoiding the counselling sessions, you wont have the strength outside of them to tell him its over.

Just my tuppence worth, and you know to ignore it if im barknig up the wrong tree!

(Viewing the new house today - am very excited!!)

mylittlestar · 13/07/2007 08:28

I can't believe he didn't go with you

I won't rant because that's not what you need right now!

But I'm glad the session was positive for you and am sending you lots of love and strength to get through this xx

Dumbledior · 13/07/2007 09:35

Good luck with the viewing JARM!

This morning, I told him about my friend being made redundant and how gutted I am. He asked why - 'You'll still see her won't you?' Typical bloody man. I explained that I liked working with her.

I am feeling SO upset today. I have no-one to discuss it with. My boss was of the, 'Well, you are OK, so why are you upset?' opinion. That made me cross, but I realise it is a man thing. They just don't GET the friendships that women form.

H asked how last night went and I just said it was good. I told him that I would be working 5 days a week from now on and he asked when I would be doing the shopping . I said that I never did it on my day off anyway! He advised me to stop putting so much effort into learning courses at home (courses that my centre sell) because I might be made redundant soon, so what was the point. I reminded him that these courses are perfect for putting on my CV...

mylittlestar · 13/07/2007 09:46

He's got no idea has he! He is on another planet right now!

Good for you that you are working 5 days and doing things to build up your cv. You're looking after your future and doing something positive. That way, if the worst ever did happen with your current job you'd have the best chance of quickly getting another one...
He should be proud of you. Not finding ways to criticise!!

lou33 · 13/07/2007 10:12

i agree with jarm

i am that he couldnt make the effort to attend

he is burying his head in the sand, but at least you got something good out of it

what is your plan for the short term now?

Dumbledior · 13/07/2007 11:45

My short-term plan is to repeat my 'truth' when I feel badgered, and to stick to it. Then I can cope with things I hope.

G came up to have a 'are you alright' chat. I was angry at this point and said I was pissed off because he and the other girl left were carrying on as if nothing had happened. He said, 'Well, it's a business' . I said I knew it was and that I was just gutted - 'but you're a bloke, so you won't get it'. He went off in a huff . I called after him to come back but he said, 'No, I'm only a bloke' and went off.

I sent him a text that said, 'sorry just upset' but he did not respond. I phoned my sister, who came in and gave me a big hug, which was all I needed really (she is on holiday this week). When she was leaving, I went down to G and asked if he was ok and that I thought I had upset him. He said that he just can't do confrontations at the moment, what with all the stuff going on in his life at the moment. I said I was the same and that is probably why I have reacted so badly to the redundancy.

We smiled and chatted briefly about it. I said I appreciated the attempt at a 'manly chat' and I wouldn't bite his head off if he tried again!

All fine. I have realised just HOW crap a boyfriend he would be. Only talks about feelings as long as they don't impact on him...