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Original poster

Engagement Ring

280 replies

KKOKK · 14/11/2017 12:48

Been with my bf for just over 3 years, but knew him as friends for about 5 years before that when we dated on and off.

He asked me if I wanted to get married in the summer, and I said yes, and considered we had become engaged...he then termed it a pre-engagement, which I found a bit disappointing. Obviously I worried he didn’t actually want to get married etc...

We moved in together 4 months ago, just after the non proposal. Both sets of parents are a bit miffed that we have decided to live together without the “commitment” of a ring. Anytime we are with my family especially they make jokes about rings and weddings. My BF announced we would get married next year. Still no ring.

We have just put down our deposit on a house and the jokes about a ring have increased.

He got a bit angry about it all this week after a family dinner and said he had a plan to go and speak with my dad and ask my mum for my grans ring to propose with but now he doesn’t see why he should just to please my family and now he just wants to do his own thing.

I sort of imagined getting engaged (which I thought we’d already done) would be romantic, but now I feel like he will grudgenly go through the motions just to get people off our backs.

I would be really happy to wear my grans ring, but I now feel like that will just be another thing we get picked on about that he didn’t buy me something of my own.

Sorry that’s so long!! I just feel like I am stuck in the middle of my family who aren’t really massively happy with my choices, and a grumpy BF who feels irritable about having to propose

OP posts:
DarthMaiden · 14/11/2017 22:40

It’s an often used phrase, but frankly because it’s true....

People tell you how they feel and what they think with their actions, not their words.

You listen to the words and ignore the actions because that “fits” the narrative you want to perceive.

The truth is that the actions represent a reality some people are not ready or unwilling to acknowledge.

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 22:46

We were sat on a bench where we had our first kiss and he said “will you marry me?” And I said yes, and he said brilliant, let’s do it, and I said great, and then he said I will buy a ring and we will do it properly, and I said I don’t need a ring and he said let’s get married next year.

I didn’t make up a proposal from a discussion about proposals, to me it was a proposal, and I didn’t think we were doing the ring thing, and later he was the one who said he wanted to get me a nice ring of my own...and now it’s november, and I still don’t care about the ring but when people asked when we were getting married and he said next year it lead to lots of ring talk as you can imagine.

I think my family partway enjoy teasing us and partway just don’t think he takes things seriously enough.

I totally take on board that it’s nothing to do with them but life is easier when you have support.

I can’t remember who posted it but I think its a really good point that I should be putting my family, me and him, first rather than trying to please everyone.

Sorry if that’s a rambling mess. I know I sound like I’m not listening, but I think I’ve made him sound worse than he is, he’s just very laid back whereas I like to know what’s happening.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 14/11/2017 22:46

Please op! Please don't commit to
Anything with this man.
He's a taker.
He will want to marry you soon because he'll want some of the house bought mostly with your savings.
Your family can see straight through him and are trying to warn you without saying it out loud as they are afraid they will
Push you away.
I may have read too much into it but that's how I would feel if you were my daughter/sister/friend.
He's taking you for a ride and will take your money and your youth.
Lazy bastard man child.

flowery · 14/11/2017 22:49

”Does it sound mercenary and grabby if I just say to him I’d like it if he spoke to my dad”

Confused What would you like him to speak to your dad about and what has that got to do with the fact that he seems to have changed his mind about wanting to marry you?

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 23:17

He still talks about getting married so I don’t think he’s changed his mind to be fair, and we’re buying a house together which doesn’t make sense if he doesn’t want to get married, but equally i was happy enough not getting married, so if he hadn’t been the one to bring it up I wouldn’t have either.

I just meant speaking to my dad like a traditional thing because I know my dad would appreciate it and it’s what he had said he intended to do, but now doesn’t want too.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 14/11/2017 23:22

Your family are bullying him.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2017 23:27

My mum already gave me my grandmothers ring when she died, it’s not flashy or expensive or anything, but obviously means a lot to me. I don’t think my mum would object in principle to it being my engagement ring but she would think him not spending some money to buy me one was another sign that he wasn’t committed or financially stable

So he wants to use a ring that's already yours yo propose to you with?

If my DDs boyfriend did this..... I'd refuse and be less than impressed.

People may thunk it's old fashioned...but as women take a financial hit when they have kids being out of work ... I absolutely expect a man thst can support my DD financially.

He sounds like a cheapskate TBH.

haveacupoftea · 14/11/2017 23:29

You know what the problem is. He's stingy.

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 23:31

I also know what’s in his bank account though, so it isn’t necessarily a case of being stingy, he’s just a bit broke

OP posts:
Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 23:31

You think the Gran ring is a bit inappropriate? I think my mum might think that too

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 14/11/2017 23:36

How old are you both Op?

Really don’t get this men need be the ones to support a family/breadwinner crap though. I thought women were wanting equality. Mat leave can be shared and more and more men are becoming sahm dads or working 50/50 around their partners and childcare.

I know a few people who have a family members rings as engagement rings and shock horror, a few women with no ring at all!!

hollowtree · 14/11/2017 23:40

Oh OP, I hear you on the romance!

I am a real Disney addict and imagined a fairytale proposal out of the blue! Instead I fell pregnant and I said to my partner "you'll have to marry me now" and that was it! We had a shot gun wedding and it was fun and fab.

I saw the ring I liked in a shop window months later and begged him for it. He begrudgingly bought it and that night, in the hotel, he got down on one knee and asked me, I said it was a bit late as I couldn't exactly say no!!!

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 23:42

I would be fine without a ring, it literally wouldn’t bother me at all, but I feel like we’re in a little twilight zone where everyone is waiting on a ring, or a wedding date even, and he considers us pre-engaged.

It’s also fine for me to earn more or save more, but if something happened that I couldn’t work someone has to support us, I think that’s a fair expectation.

It’ll be fine, hopefully it will work out.

OP posts:
Halfdrankbrew · 14/11/2017 23:50

So he did propose, just minus a ring? He's got no money to buy a ring or pay for a wedding but you want him to do all the above?

If you feel he doesn't earn enough to give you all these things that seem important to you maybe it isn't right?

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 23:55

He “pre-proposed” and I’m not asking him to do anything. He’s the one who said he wanted to buy a ring and get married next year.

OP posts:
deadringer · 15/11/2017 00:02

Why is it all about what he wants?

Original poster
KKOKK · 15/11/2017 00:09

deadringer that’s a good question

OP posts:
Halfdrankbrew · 15/11/2017 00:19

Pre-proposed Confused so he asked "will you marry me" but that was only the pre-proposal? How very odd, at what point did he inform you you weren't actually engaged Hmm? Talk about dangling a carrot and snatching it back!

Sounds like the ring and setting a date is just to get your family off his back. Maybe he doesn't actually want to get married at all and it was just to signal to them he's serious about you, but he's made it worse?

PNGirl · 15/11/2017 00:22

Tbh the more you post the more I can see why this has turned out the way it has.

It seems to me you are telling him you really don't mind what he does, but he can tell that you actually wish he would tick all the things off the list (ring, wedding date) that would make your parents stop frowning at you over the Sunday roast.

He shouldn't have asked you to marry him if he didn't want to propose. You shouldn't be making out you don't mind, when you do, but partly because an official engagement would get people off your back.

I don't know what the answer is. If he proposes now you will feel it's under duress. If he doesn't you'll be annoyed because you feel like he did it already so you should be able to describe yourself as engaged and the family digs will continue.

chuzzlewitty · 15/11/2017 01:08

OP, what % of the mortgage will he pay?

MistressDeeCee · 15/11/2017 02:12

Your DP asked you back in Sumner to get married, then he backtracked, then said it's a pre-engagement, now there's some other fuss. I don't blame your family for commenting. If it were my DD with Mr Hot & Cold wriggling out of a marriage proposal more than once, yet cool with you putting towards a house, I'd be looking askance at him too and would sit down and chat with my DD. There is nothing wrong with that.

Don't listen to "it's just a ring". You matter as much as him, it's ok to want what you want. He's the one who backtracked.

I'm not a believer that you have to give him time, space, be meek and quiet, give diddums the chance to conquer his fear of marriage (but no fear of having you pay 1/2 share of a house tho), and suddenly +maybe?) he will deign to propose. If a man wants to propose, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. Ditto actually marryinf. That's what you need to accept and think about

MistressDeeCee · 15/11/2017 02:18

& he doesn't want your family to comment, yet he wants to ask your mum for her mum's engagement ring?! Confused . Your family can't be that bad if he feels able to do that. Why can't he leave your family out of it, since apparently he doesn't want them involved, and buy you a ring? All this twisting and turning and building layers of reasons and what he is "going" to do. This man doesn't want to marry you. & yes sometimes outside people may comment "when are you 2 naming the day" to couple. But, so...? If that's enough to give a man a wobble then he's a bit of a wuss

Pannacott · 15/11/2017 02:55

Can anyone remember and link to the thread in relationships, possibly a month or so ago, where the OP came from a poor background, had worked hard, was a high earner. Her DP was ‘artistic’, left jobs usually after six months if they weren’t ‘fulfilling’. She found him very loving, caring, fun, spontaneous. She loved him, loved his family, but was slowly coming to the realisation that he was not functioning as an adult and never really would. She and her family were enabling him to be a perpetual man child. She realised she couldn’t stay with him and have a family with him, as he showed no sign of or capacity to step up.

Might be an informative read OP.

Placebogirl · 15/11/2017 03:11

I worry that if you have children with this man you will be ferociously resentful of living with someone else who 'just expects things to happen'.

LoveProsecco · 15/11/2017 03:19

Sorry OP but I also think he’s all words & no substance. Walk away while you are still it tied to him

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