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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Engagement Ring

280 replies

KKOKK · 14/11/2017 12:48

Been with my bf for just over 3 years, but knew him as friends for about 5 years before that when we dated on and off.

He asked me if I wanted to get married in the summer, and I said yes, and considered we had become engaged...he then termed it a pre-engagement, which I found a bit disappointing. Obviously I worried he didn’t actually want to get married etc...

We moved in together 4 months ago, just after the non proposal. Both sets of parents are a bit miffed that we have decided to live together without the “commitment” of a ring. Anytime we are with my family especially they make jokes about rings and weddings. My BF announced we would get married next year. Still no ring.

We have just put down our deposit on a house and the jokes about a ring have increased.

He got a bit angry about it all this week after a family dinner and said he had a plan to go and speak with my dad and ask my mum for my grans ring to propose with but now he doesn’t see why he should just to please my family and now he just wants to do his own thing.

I sort of imagined getting engaged (which I thought we’d already done) would be romantic, but now I feel like he will grudgenly go through the motions just to get people off our backs.

I would be really happy to wear my grans ring, but I now feel like that will just be another thing we get picked on about that he didn’t buy me something of my own.

Sorry that’s so long!! I just feel like I am stuck in the middle of my family who aren’t really massively happy with my choices, and a grumpy BF who feels irritable about having to propose

OP posts:
Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 18:21

I think it’s all just ended up getting very muddled

OP posts:
category12 · 14/11/2017 18:22

It sounds really strange for him to give you a ring you already own as an engagement ring Hmm.

If you're the main breadwinner, I hope you're protecting your interests in buying this house together.

Mrskeats · 14/11/2017 18:24

Pre-engagement!! that's not a thing surely?

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 18:25

He’s letting himself down badly here, and probably knows it, which is why this will become a Thing.

Huge giant alarm bells at him being someone who expects things to just happen. That’s shitty!

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 18:27

and he’s also spoiling what should be a really happy time, by being so lame!

Angelf1sh · 14/11/2017 18:30

This is reminding me of another thread over the summer where the OPs boyfriend was perpetually “looking at rings” but never actually buying one. It turned out that he had no intention of ever marrying her and thought that ring shopping would be enough to keep her sweet. It very much sounds to me like he’s doing the same with this “pre-engagement” nonsense. If your mother has already given you the ring, what is stopping you putting it on the ring finger of your left hand? He doesn’t need to ask anyone. He’s delaying things. You should ask him outright and then make a decision on the relationship based on his answer. IMO, he’s not currently telling you the truth.

category12 · 14/11/2017 18:32

Also, you do realise that the 'mental load', practicalities and logistics of life will increase exponentially if you have dc together. He's already leaving things up to you and stubbornly doing bugger all if challenged. Do you think this is a good sign? Don't imagine having dc will change him. I'd think carefully about the sort of person he is and consider that your energy and patience to take up his slack will reduce sharply if you have dc.

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 18:33

It just seems so silly because if he isn’t ready or doesn’t want to get married that’s fine, I wouldn’t have brought it up. I also don’t know how we would afford to get married next year even if we wanted too because my savings is going into the house.

It’s my birthday next weekend and I am already anticipating everyone asking if he bought me a ring 😔

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 14/11/2017 18:33

Your families 'jokes' would majorly piss me off. He shouldnt be pressurised into anything.

If you don't want to wear the ring that you have and he doesn't earn much then you will have to wait until he can afford it.

but my parents are quite traditional and expect a husband to look after the family if necessary. I know that’s a bit odd fashioned and twee and the reality is I am an independent woman, but part of me wishes my Bf would make an effort to win them over so I would have an easier life.

Your family need to be reminded we don't live in the 1950s and they really need to back off. He shouldn't have to win anyone over!

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 18:36

He’s quite good at other stuff, he’s just crap financially. So it’s not that he leaves it all up to me, I’m probably a bit of a control freak to have fair, so it may seem easier to him for me to say this is how it will be and he goes along with it, but I don’t want to be in charge of my own engagement if he’s the one who wants to have a proposal

OP posts:
Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 18:40

Yea the jokes are annoying and I agree he shouldn’t be pressured into anything, although he’s the one who started the whole thing with the non proposal at the same time.

It’s also not that I wouldn’t wear my grans ring (which is in my mums jewellery box because I don’t wear it), it’s that if I just put it on and announced I was engaged I think I would look and feel quite stupid. The proposal is his thing iyswim, I’m happy for him to do it or not do it, with a ring I have/one he buys/no ring, I just think it should be down to him

OP posts:
ElephantsandTigers · 14/11/2017 18:40

You say he does want to get married as he talks about it a lot. That reminds me of a poster whose partner took her into tens and tens of jewellery shops but never actually bought a ring. She talked to him. He didn't want to get married after all. She left him.

ElspethFlashman · 14/11/2017 18:41

It doesn't sound like he has any money.

How on earth is he buying a house if he's so skint he can't afford a ring?

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 18:44

His parents are lending him some money for a deposit but most of it will be my savings, so he can’t really afford to buy a house, although since leaving me in charge of his finances he has been able to save about £500 a month, whereas before he didn’t save anything

OP posts:
Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 18:44

Fucking hell what a man child!

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 18:46

What does he bring to the table in terms of a husband/companion/provider/soft place to fall/father?

Is he dynamite in the sack or does he shout “I’ll be in in a minute, start without me!”?

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 18:46

And what does he think marriage is for?

category12 · 14/11/2017 18:47

I think he's onto a winner with you. I don't see what other stuff he's quite good at - can you expand? He's not a planner, he's crap financially, he's leaving the mortgage to you, he's getting the money for a deposit off his parents and you've saved some of his money for him...

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 18:51

The OP has said he’s “quite good” at other stuff! Damned by faint praise!

expatinscotland · 14/11/2017 18:55

Jesus wept, OP! He expects things to 'just happen', he's crap with money. I'll give you the benefit of hindsight, which you will probably disregard, you do not want to share life with someone who's like this. You will wind up carrying them through life because this type of person is fundamentally childish. The fact that you're also committing your savings to this house is not a wise decision unless you've protected it legally.

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 18:55

He’s just always nice to me, he’s on my side and is really encouraging. He’s funny and we have a nice time together. I think a lot of people are probably crap financially and it’s probably not that unusual for one person to be in charge of the finances in a relationship, so I don’t necessarily think that’s as bad a thing as I’ve made it sound to be. I like to be in control of that sort of thing, and to have proper plans. He’s more spontaneous I suppose. He’s got a normal sort of 9-5 job but he’s an aspiring artist, so he has dreams, which I sort of admire, because my life is consumed with making sensible decisions and planning for problems.

He’s not terrible, he’s just not always been the most dependable and like I said we dated on and off and he did some stupid things which is where my parents trepidation comes from. It’s not that he should have to win them over, it’s just that if he told them he was going to hold down a job and be responsible it would go a long way to making them lighten up, and would make my life easier because I wouldn’t feel like a referee

OP posts:
Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 18:56

I don’t mean to make him sound crap. Sorry. And thanks for the insight, I know probably I can be a bit blinkered

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 14/11/2017 19:03

If you don’t agree with the ‘asking your dad’ why on earth would you suggest it. Absolutely no way I’d marry someone who’d asked my dad for permission.
I think you need to tell your parents to mind their own business and stay out of it to be honest and then have a conversation with your boyfriend. You don’t wear jewellery and don’t even want a ring so why would he waste his money on one? Have you bought him an engagement ring?

Being bad with finances would annoy me, but it’s up to you if you’ll always be happy taking responsibility for that aspect or not. My dad’s crap with money and my mums always sorted it out, doesn’t bother them. He’s good at other stuff and does all the washing and ironing. But I definitely wouldn’t want to be married to my dad! Well I wouldn’t mind the washing and ironing part.

category12 · 14/11/2017 19:04

You're already carrying him and from what what you say - he's treated you badly before, right? You couldn't make him sound crap if there wasn't a lot of material for it.

You should be the one reluctant to marry, OP - he's not bringing much to the party. He's a dreamer, you're the workhorse.

Make sure you look at this with very clear vision. With dc in the mix, your life with him is going to be gruelling.

ElspethFlashman · 14/11/2017 19:06

How much will he be able to pay of the mortgage each month?

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