Engagement Ring

[KKOKK]

Been with my bf for just over 3 years, but knew him as friends for about 5 years before that when we dated on and off.

He asked me if I wanted to get married in the summer, and I said yes, and considered we had become engaged...he then termed it a pre-engagement, which I found a bit disappointing. Obviously I worried he didn’t actually want to get married etc...

We moved in together 4 months ago, just after the non proposal. Both sets of parents are a bit miffed that we have decided to live together without the “commitment” of a ring. Anytime we are with my family especially they make jokes about rings and weddings. My BF announced we would get married next year. Still no ring.

We have just put down our deposit on a house and the jokes about a ring have increased.

He got a bit angry about it all this week after a family dinner and said he had a plan to go and speak with my dad and ask my mum for my grans ring to propose with but now he doesn’t see why he should just to please my family and now he just wants to do his own thing.

I sort of imagined getting engaged (which I thought we’d already done) would be romantic, but now I feel like he will grudgenly go through the motions just to get people off our backs.

I would be really happy to wear my grans ring, but I now feel like that will just be another thing we get picked on about that he didn’t buy me something of my own.

Sorry that’s so long!! I just feel like I am stuck in the middle of my family who aren’t really massively happy with my choices, and a grumpy BF who feels irritable about having to propose

I can imagine the jokey comments about the ring are annoying him tbh... and hearing my friends husband day how grateful he was that she stayed with him, even though he was unemployed, despite her parents views was very moving.

This and @zerofeedback giving his perspective is making me rethink.

Not so much that I would do this, but you entered a relationship with him knowing about his career...so hopefully you're aware of the pros and cons of it.

I would stop and think about the possibility of him not managing to make anything from his art though... Does he have a back up plan... would he be receptive to an alternative career path that would provide financial stability. Maybe training as a teacher of art or something else that was linked to his passion.

For me it's not a gender thing... but I just personally don't like being totally financially dependent on another person.

I've come across far too many women who gave up their careers to raise children...or been a trailing spouse...only to have the man up and leave (for another woman) and they have no work experience or skills and are effectively unemployable..
except in low paid.. minimum wage jobs.

I would advise my DDs against being SAHMs.. they don't need a university education..which I expect for then you raise children.

I think there are valid points, and I have been thinking a lot about what has been said. I am definitely a bit passive about things, if he has a project on he will work until 3 or 4 in the morning every night and then obviously he exhausted when it’s finished, I sometimes feel I should be able to say I support you, I support your dreams, but can we also have some time to ourselves in the evenings. I do get a bit fed up going to bed on my own and him being a zombie. I think that would be good, a bit more balance.

I think I just bee to be more honest about what I want from the relationship, and be prepared that if he can’t do that I need to walk away.

I spoke with DW last night.

"You took a bit of a risk when you married me"

"Mentalist"

"No, you did. You could have had someone with much better prospects."

"You're strange. I knew we'd be okay; besides, you had choices too."

"Thanks anyway."

We then got to laughing about the time I tried to make a dramatic exit after an argument but got as far as the drive before having to knock on the door to ask to borrow some jump leads as my crap heap of a car would not start.

I don't know whether DW really always knew we'd be okay. I don't really know what okay means to her.

Point is, she did have people telling her I was not the one to marry. I am sure she would have received much of the same advice as the OP had MN existed then and had she posted asking whether to marry me or not.

Red Flags are named as such for a reason. They exist and should not be ignored.

However, they are flags only. They are not definitive proof of anything.

Only the OP knows whether, for her relationship, they are stop signs or advance warnings allowing her to adjust the route to the same destination.

She may get it wrong, but I feel it is wrong to abuse the OP just because she does not agree with you.

If you feel that she is getting it wrong, you can offer advice and counsel; point her in the direction of what to look out for; but don't belittle and minimise her because you don't agree. (just my opinion)

I sometimes feel I should be able to say I support you, I support your dreams, but can we also have some time to ourselves in the evenings

I don't know how often he has to do this, but what you have put above seems entirely reasonable to me and you should be able to say it.

I am not artistic in anything but my Diva temperament, but I do have times when I am doing something for work and put all my energy into that.

Sometimes because I have a deadline, sometimes because I am so enthused about it I can get totally immersed.

The first I cannot do anything about. The second I would hope my DW would tell me if she thought I neglected her to do it.

I do get a bit fed up going to bed on my own and him being a zombie. I think that would be good, a bit more balance.

You need to talk about this with him.
In a calm way, that doesn't sound accusatory.