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Original poster

Engagement Ring

280 replies

KKOKK · 14/11/2017 12:48

Been with my bf for just over 3 years, but knew him as friends for about 5 years before that when we dated on and off.

He asked me if I wanted to get married in the summer, and I said yes, and considered we had become engaged...he then termed it a pre-engagement, which I found a bit disappointing. Obviously I worried he didn’t actually want to get married etc...

We moved in together 4 months ago, just after the non proposal. Both sets of parents are a bit miffed that we have decided to live together without the “commitment” of a ring. Anytime we are with my family especially they make jokes about rings and weddings. My BF announced we would get married next year. Still no ring.

We have just put down our deposit on a house and the jokes about a ring have increased.

He got a bit angry about it all this week after a family dinner and said he had a plan to go and speak with my dad and ask my mum for my grans ring to propose with but now he doesn’t see why he should just to please my family and now he just wants to do his own thing.

I sort of imagined getting engaged (which I thought we’d already done) would be romantic, but now I feel like he will grudgenly go through the motions just to get people off our backs.

I would be really happy to wear my grans ring, but I now feel like that will just be another thing we get picked on about that he didn’t buy me something of my own.

Sorry that’s so long!! I just feel like I am stuck in the middle of my family who aren’t really massively happy with my choices, and a grumpy BF who feels irritable about having to propose

OP posts:
Ttbb · 14/11/2017 19:07

Wait wait wait. So you are buying a HOUSE together and your family is miffed because you don't have the commitment of a ring?

WitchesHatRim · 14/11/2017 19:07

You're already carrying him and from what what you say

Why because she earns more? Hmm

KERALA1 · 14/11/2017 19:08

Unwise to do anything that will prejudice you without marriage, by that I mean emigrate/compromise your career/buy a house/have a baby. Thats what I will be telling my dds anyway.

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 19:09

I think in terms of asking my dad it’s just because I know he would appreciate the gesture, my bf didn’t have an issue with this, and said it had been his plan, he’s just changed his mind since everyone started haranguing us.

I suppose it really doesn’t matter how when where or if he does it, it’s just because he’s the one who brought it up that it’s in everyone’s consciousness I think

OP posts:
Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 14/11/2017 19:17

Run for the hills. At the very least protect money

DarthMaiden · 14/11/2017 19:17

OP your family sound quite “difficult”.

I’m not surprised your OH is getting put off - there seems very few opportunities for him to get this right.

Upshot is, he asked to marry him (I assume without pressure) and now this “ring thing” and asking permission is just overshadowing what should be a happy time for you both.

Personally I think you need to sit down an talk it through - if you can’t talk about this together then you need to question if you should be getting married....

Be honest - you’d be happy with your grandmother’s ring and don’t give a stuff what your family think - or otherwise...whatever, you both need to talk about what you want as a couple and “primary” family unit - because that’s what getting married means. Forging your own path together and agreeing that whilst important to you, you respective parents/siblings are now your “secondary” family unit and thus less important in any decision you make going forward.

Deux · 14/11/2017 19:18

My goodness, I think you really need to think about your future with this man.

If this is the kind of mental gymnastics you're going through before even being engaged, then I think you can expect similar in the future, never mind if children get added in to the mix.

category12 · 14/11/2017 19:20

No, WitchesHatBrim, she's carrying him by saving his money for him, organising the mortgage, by him dreamily "expecting things to happen" (which is basically for someone else - her - to sort things out for him).

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/11/2017 19:37

I think the ops parents have the measure of him and are trying to protect their daughter, aspiring artistic type bad with money with past failings, reads cocklodger in waiting stay at home dad.

As a boyfriend he may have some good points when all it is, is beer and a shag, I wouldn't touch him if I was wanting stability support and commitment.

This has you knew I was like this from the start written all over it, when you resent working your arse off to make ends meet.

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 19:39

Op what were the things he did that have made your parents cautious?

And what happens that he can’t hold down a job?

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 19:40

When you dated on and off, what caused the on and what caused the off? This is a REALLY REALLY important question

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 14/11/2017 20:16

I can talk to you from the other perspective OP. My DD spent years in a similar sounding relationship.

In that instance her DP was perfectly happy to coast along in the relationship where his emotional and living circumstances were totally catered for. He felt marriage would be a natural progression, but he didn't actually want to be a married man.

Ultimately she catered for all his needs, but her own were not nurtured. They're no longer together.

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 20:55

The thing about the ring is he asked me to marry him without pressure in July and it’s november now and there hasn’t been a ring, that’s why it’s become a thing, more than just he non proposed and then the ring jokes started.

We were together for almost 2 years and he left to live somewhere more conducive to his chosen art, he was supposed to be gone for 6 months and he didn’t come back, which I was fine, I thought it was important for him to follow his dreams etc, we stayed in touch on and off, he came back here and there, and then ultimately moved back again at which point I had moved on and was progressing in my chosen career and wasn’t looking for a relationship. So there have been ups and downs and some heartbreak which was hard for my parents to watch I would imagine.

It’s not that he can’t hold down a job it’s that he won’t do any job just to have a job, he likes to do work he likes to do, or that is easy going, which is all fine in theory but if we add a wife and children and he needs a job they would like to know he will get a job regardless of what it is, so that we are supported.

He has matured a lot (I know I probably don’t make it sound that way) and I am confident that he would do what it takes to make things work.

The ring thing is just to the outside world another example of him not following through with something I think.

I think my parents know the 20 year old him and he isn’t willing to show them that he’s grown up.

OP posts:
DarthMaiden · 14/11/2017 21:04

Umm - I’ve changed my mind.

I think your family are sending you “warning” signals.

He does sound selfish and immature despite your denials.

The more you post, I’ve gone from being sympathetic to him to - bloody hell, why are you with this man child?

whatsavings · 14/11/2017 21:04

He doesn't want to marry you, or buy you an engagement ring.
He isn't going to buy you a ring because he doesn't want to spend his money on you.

You are about to lose all your savings because my savings is going into the house & he will be entitled to half of them when you split up.

If a man wants to marry you - no power on earth will stop him.
You sound WAY too good for this man-child.

whatsavings · 14/11/2017 21:04

Darth - SNAP!

PNGirl · 14/11/2017 21:05

You won't ever really change how your parents see this guy. I went down thia road with my ex who split up with me for a few months when we were 17 and they never ever forgave him.

So, you either have to decide yourself that their opinion doesn't matter, or consider that they are seeing you steeling yourself for a life of being the family backbone and actually have a point.

category12 · 14/11/2017 21:24

I don't think it's true that the op's parents will never see that he's changed. In the circumstances, they're still waiting to see a change. I wouldn't write off their ability to be supportive if he did seem to be making the effort.

Currently he's getting a hand-out from his parents, and the OP is doing the 'adulting' of organising the money and mortgage. I'm not sure what he's actually doing that makes the OP think he has 'grown up'.

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 21:42

he likes to do work he likes to do, or that is easy going, which is all fine in theory but if we add a wife and children and he needs a job they would like to know he will get a job regardless of what it is, so that we are supported.

I agree. Is HE aware of this?

PNGirl · 14/11/2017 21:43

That's my point. My parents were exactly right about my ex, because his flaws were basically related to who he was and always would be. It sounds like this is the same thing.

Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 21:55

I’m not asking him to engage me or marry me, though, he’s the one who brought it up. He was initially saying he wanted to do it all properly and get a ring etc, which I’m not bothered about, but I figured if that’s what he wants to do then that’s fine, it’s just he hasn’t then done anything. So that’s where the grief comes from.

It’s my savings, but he won’t get half of it if we split up, so I’m not massively worried about things on that front.

He has convinced me that he would do what he had to do to make our little family unit work. I am convinced of it, but I spend a lot of time trying to convince my parents he is less selfish than he once was, but he isn’t interested in “proving himself to them” because they do tend to give him a bit of a hard time.

I can see it from all sides, which is generally what lands me in difficulties when it comes to these things.

OP posts:
Original poster
KKOKK · 14/11/2017 21:57

I also think it’s not all that uncommon for parents to help their children with deposits, so I’m not judging him for that aspect of things.

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 14/11/2017 22:03

Like I said, it's nothing to do with a ring and nothing to do with what he actually wants to do. It's just about what he feels he's expected to do, but doesn't actually want to go through with.

He wants things to stay as they are. That's it really.

Worriedobsessive · 14/11/2017 22:33

He has convinced me that he would do what he had to do to make our little family unit work.

He’s not even doing that NOW never mind when you’ve got the added pressure of kids/reduces income etc etc! Wake up! He’s telling you exactly who he is.

Halfdrankbrew · 14/11/2017 22:36

So he didn't actually say "will you marry me" on one knee and you embraced "yeah we are getting married"! He discussed it with you with a view to proposing officially at a later date? You've gone and told everyone you're engaged, but you aren't, he's just discussed it with you. He wants to get married and wanted to ask you properly with a ring at some point as a surprise?

By the sounds of it you've rained on his parade. I had the same conversation with my husband just in passing, it confirmed we were on the same page and he asked me as a surprise months later. We were also bought a house together first, my husband saw this as a much bigger commitment, easier to back out of an engagement than sort out a house you're tied into (less romantic admittedly)!

I don't really understand this whole trying to impress your parents either? They sound interfering and I'd be having second thoughts if I was him. Why does he need to ask your dad? He wants to (hopefully) marry you not your dad. Maybe just tell the family to butt out and stop going on about it.