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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just caught my daughter stealing...

289 replies

tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:30

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 12/11/2017 11:22

Her father caught her stealing a bluetooth speaker from school. She made up a story the teacher had leant it too her and her father said they would bring it back the day after as it was too expensive for us too keep. Cue the tears and panic and eventual confession

So this isn’t the first time she has been caught stealing. You have a big problem on your hands OP.

Whisky2014 · 12/11/2017 11:23

I agree about feeling lower valued and invisible in the family if you are running a business. Until I read a previous post stating it is hadn't thought about that but it really resonated with me.

I'm attending therapy now and basically I was never the forefront of my parents minds. I always had to wait on them, until they'd finished business stuff. Maybe that's why I stole, maybe it was an attention seeking thing.

Debtlifeatm · 12/11/2017 11:33

Have you found out why she stole it?

GinnyBaker · 12/11/2017 11:33

I stole significant amounts from my parents at this age.

I had plenty of cash as I had a paper round and frequent babysitting so I didn't need it to buy stuff.

But in retrospect it was about a real internal sense of lack.

I had no friends and no honest comunication with my family either as I was so busy pretending I was ok, so deep was my shame at my social isolation which I thought was my fault (bullying).

Basically I felt I had nothing and I felt I was nothing.

bastardkitty · 12/11/2017 11:39

It's not okay to send her away. Why does she need a job at that age? Do you not give pocket money? Did she have a choice to work or not work? You have been sketchy about working hours and payment. Has she been fairly paid? I agree you have given her far too much responsibility in the family business. I wouldn't assume that any of these issues have had an impact on her decisions, but I wouldn't assume that they haven't.

llangennith · 12/11/2017 11:39

Haven’t RTFT but wanted to say don’t involve the police! Would parents really call the police if their 14yo DD stole from them? Ridiculous! Yes it’s a really bad thing to do and I’d be angry and disappointed if one of my DC had done this. But you deal with it within the family. I don’t have any suggestions how you do that but call the police?? ffs

lougle · 12/11/2017 11:54

I disagree with the opinions that this has been well handled. Your DD has stolen, then lied. The lie is worse than the theft, in many ways, because it could have left another employee getting the blame.

So in response, you've told the DD a string of lies, to scare her about what she's done Confused. The truth of what she's done is plenty bad enough. Why did you need to lie to her? You've said that you told her you'll never employ her again, but that it isn't actually true. All she'll learn is that you blow hot air when you're angry. Be honest so she learns from you.

Be warm and compassionate with her. Let her know that you are on her side, even when you have to deal with her wrongdoings.

claraschu · 12/11/2017 11:58

Fairfax stealing like this is not naughtiness. If it happened in my family I would immediately assume that this is a sign that something is seriously wrong, a symptom of a serious emotional, family, or mental health problem,

YouDidNotJustSayThat · 12/11/2017 12:01

Strip her room of anything remotely entertaining. iPad, phone, laptop, console, TV and whatever else.

No gifts on Christmas:

It may be really harsh but £500 is really serious.

Pinkpillows · 12/11/2017 12:12

Why is she dealing with money and payments to people?

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2017 12:30

Why are you giving her so much responsibility for her age! That is not right.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2017 12:33

Why is she paying the window cleaner, you should be doing that. Anyway, I think she's seen you put the combination in the safe and you have taught her how things work, so she was able to steal the money.

userxx · 12/11/2017 12:41

What's wrong with her paying the window cleaner? She's 14, not 4 😁

bastardkitty · 12/11/2017 12:44

What's wrong with it is that she accesses the safe of the family business to get the money and seems to have huge responsibility re working and finances. Nothing wrong with handing over a tenner. Everything wrong with the rest. But you know that. Obviously.

KarriPotter · 12/11/2017 13:01

I had a paper round at 14 that paid £6 a week. It was five days and each round would take just short of an hour! Then I had a Saturday job (on a farm!) that was £2 an hour. Audits child is not hard done to at all.

VioletCharlotte · 12/11/2017 13:01

Clara I completely agree. This is a 14 year old. I can't believe some of the responses on here. There's obviously an issue that needs addressing, the stealing is a symptom of something bigger going on. Punishing her is not the answer. Nor is calling the Police or sending her away.

userxx · 12/11/2017 13:07

Karri - I'm with you on this. Do not see the big deal at all.

Giraffesarequitetall · 12/11/2017 13:13

Audit presuming you are in England, do check re your 13yo, whilst there is no minimum wage at 13yo there is the issue of work permits and the fact that a 13yo cannot legally work later than 7pm.

I would check a) that a work permit has been properly sought, and you will know that as the parent has to sign it before it is sent to the council and b) check the laws where you are so that your dc is properly covered by insurance etc.

Giraffesarequitetall · 12/11/2017 13:18

Back to the OP - the police will often have an off the record word if you want them to. It often clarifies why it is so serious and that you are giving her a chance. I would pop in and ask advice. It is in their interests to prevent crime as well as to prosecute. I certainly wouldn’t go in saying I want to report a crime though.

The other option is that the local youth offending team will often do preventative work if required. I don’t know if they can be contacted directly but it is worth googling in your area.

Both the police and YOT are interested in preventing crime and steering people away from being their ‘proper’ customers. And their involvement may well signal to your daughter that it has now gone past your limit.

As to the suggestion of telling all the staff in front of her, I really wouldn’t do that. It serves no purpose but to humiliate.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

KarmaNoMore · 12/11/2017 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grumpyfrog · 12/11/2017 14:44

Back to the OP - the police will often have an off the record word if you want them to. It often clarifies why it is so serious and that you are giving her a chance. I would pop in and ask advice. It is in their interests to prevent crime as well as to prosecute. I certainly wouldn’t go in saying I want to report a crime though.

No. They. Won't.

If a crime is reported it now must be recorded in line with home office counting rules.

There are now more staff on duty at the local McDonald's than policing the town where I work. There are simply not enough officers to act as surrogate parents

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/11/2017 14:49

Also to the odd person who’s said no punishment - seriously?! This type of action would not go unpunished in the real world so it’s an important lesson to learn

I believe that was me, Fairfax. And what I said was punishment doesn't work, but there need to be consequences which includes (in this case) the loss of trust.

In her update the OP (who clearly isn't coming back to this thread) has said she has sacked her DD (which I would agree is a consequence) but then in the same sentence says that she told the DD that she'll never work for the family again. The post goes on to say that this is a lie but an effective punishment.

I would suggest this demonstrates my point that punishment's don't work (the OP has already said she doesn't intend to keep to this). What do you think the child will learn from this aspect of her "punishment"? I'd suggest that one thing she will learn is her mum says things in anger which aren't true but are designed to hurt.

Booie09 · 12/11/2017 15:02

Why are you all talking like she is a toddler she is 14 years old and a thief! She stole from school and stole from her parents! She needs to be sat down and given a good talking to and also addressing if there are any underlying issues!

DumbleDee · 12/11/2017 15:11

My friend had similar much smaller amount though and spoke to police. They sent an officer to speak to her son to basically scare the shit out of him. That was about 8 yrs ago and it’s not happened since.

ChampagneSocialist1 · 12/11/2017 15:17

This thread reminds me of a school friend who from the age of 10 worked in her parents shop after school and at the weekends, not from choice but because it was expected of her and her parents who where from another culture wanted to keep an eye on her plus it was free labour. She use to give us sweets if we went in and her parents weren't around but it was obvious she hated being there and she was only allowed to go to school or to her relatives homes and never out to town with us on a Saturday. I would be surprised if an 14 year old would be happy to work in the family business for less than the going rate and the stealing is signalling her anger and that she's pissed off