I have just caught my daughter stealing...

[tinymango]

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

Adalind

Yes, I really got that amount. Although I am out by a year. As I’m 46 not 47. But that makes little difference. So 14 in 1985, 15 in 1986 etc. The paper round was a Friday evening free paper. My dad made me a trolley as it was too heavy and mother dropped me off, picked me up as I lived down a country lane no lights or pavements etc. Had I lived close by and had to walk it from the local housing estate, I would have added on half an hour - 3/4 or so for walking.

Please let your DD know you love her. She needs to know that, despite your anger. She will have had an awful night.
I hope you get to the bottom of this.

I'm going to go against a lot of the views here I guess.

You've given a 14 year old girl access to a safe full of cash. 14 year olds don't have good impulse control, don't fully understand the financial responsibilities of adulthood or how much money £500 really is - £500 is most likely a huge amount of money to her, enough money to get anything she could imagine wanting. I suspect she doesn't understand the adult repercussions of losing this kind of money. I went through a stealing phase about that age too and remarkably I'm an adult who would never steal anything.

Obviously you need to deal with this strongly, and I'd say also teaching her more about the adult financial responsibility and the knock on effects of losing such a large amount of money on family life, household security, budgeting down to Christmas gifts and treats.

Most importantly though, stop giving her access to large quantities of cash until she's mature enough to deal with that responsibly and understands that just because you're her parents that doesn't mean she's entitled to what is yours.

You’ve sacked her. You are going to tell them she did it. She knows they will all know it was her. Making her stand in front of them is a step too far Exactly! You wouldn't do that to a non-related adult employee, you shouldn't do it to your child.

Don't involve the cops. They can't just give her a talking to, it's not the 1970s. She will be given a nominal record.

Obviously change the safe code and never allow her access again. If she has to pay the window cleaner, leave the exact amount out.

I agree that you really need to find out why she took it.

And then put in natural consequences from there.

For those taking about exploitation paying £3 an hour to a teen for washing pits, my 19 year old is in the first year of his apprenticeship and gets £3.60 an hour.

Not sure I would involve the police but she would be really punished, good luck with your chat today op.

As others have picked up on the wage side of things. If she knows how much you are banking each week, and probably how much other employees earn, perhaps her low wage is an issue. This isn’t necessarily about money but how valued she feels by you. Outside of the family business, many employees change jobs for very little extra per month, but move to feel more valued/respected. She may be feeling very low from this perspective.

When she stole the speaker. What was she using it for? Does she not have a speaker she can listen to her music on? When i stole money, I bought a CD player for exactly that reason. It was when cassettes were no longer sold and everything was on CD but I didn’t have one. I just wanted to keep up with my friends and fit in.

I must say now, I’m a very honest person and value truth integrity and trust very deeply. I wasn’t a thief, I was a mixed up kid who didn’t know how to express myself to a mother who didn’t (and still doesn’t) know how to listen.

Crazy
My friend did an apprenticeship in 1987-9 in hairdressing (16-18). She got paid far less than I did in shop work. Amounts I earned stated above. I thought the derisory amounts people on apprenticeships get is because the job they do doesn’t add much value because they’re getting training from the place of work. Whereas when I worked in the shop jobs, I was expected to work as well and as hard as the full time staff. For me it’s like comparing apples and pears, isn’t it? Or have things changed?

You sacked her and removed some of her stuff. The sacking should be enough, no need to tell any employees. Treat her how you would do any other employe. Just tell them that she no longer works with you as she has too much work on, or she does not want to anymore.

Why did she have the code to the farm safe?!

I think you need to talk to her-not shout at her-and don’t send her away to her Grandmas house.

Am I the only one who thinks it is strange that you would automatically consider sending her to grandmas?
Is making her feel unwanted in the home suppose to be a punishment?

What is your overall relationship like with her?

tinymango
I have also seen your other post where you state you don't like children and don't like spending time with them.
Perhaps your DD is aware of this and she is crying out for attention.
I think this goes far deeper.
Please please don't humiliate her in front of your staff.

Mehfruittea. Op your Dd will not be 14 forever. It is so hard for parents to see our teens make bad choices, and not be able to stop them , but we can only show them consequences, such as calmly telling them that under the law we have the right to report their stealing, and that she must understand that she needs to learn to do the right thing. Im sure you are unserstandably upset that she made such a poor choice, and you will discuss consequences of stealing and the way forward

Agree with others it is so important now more than ever, when Dd is at a low point, to keep the door open between yourself and Dd to try to listen to how she is feeling. What are her fears, anxieties, pressures, hopes, and dreams? How does she see her place in the family, where she sees herself. None of us get through teen years unscathed and many of us make mistakes we live to regret. She is learning and if you show her grace she will learn grace. If you show her shouting and reject her by sending her away she will learn that you feel anger and disgust, and will learn that she is not seen as a good daughter, and is rejectied as a bad daughter by her parents. Sending for you Op and for your Dd .

Tinymango please read mehfruttitea. I think you have a very lonely girl whose parents are caught up in running a farm and don't know how to interact with her as a teenager/child. Whose expectations of her with her behaviour and responsibilities to them and the farm are akin to one of their adult employees

She is your teenage daughter. Your posts and reactions are all about you and your husband. Fine if she was an employee but she isn't she is your daughter and your responsibility start acting like a parent

I remember at that age we were all on the rob- shoplifting mainly sweets and make up. I also regularly took coins from my dad's pockets. I genuinely didn't see taking money from my dad as stealing and the only shame with the shoplifting was if you got caught - the shame in being rubbish at it as opposed to being exposed as a thief - my parents would have been mortified but my friends and I saw it totally differently. However - taking that amount of money in one go is a different league. I remember one girl at school whose dad had an ice cream van she worked in and she was helping herself to probably about 100 pound a week (and this was the 80s). She was not a popular girl as the ice cream van was seen by others as a bit skanky and her family considered "hawkers". So she took this money as a way of buying friendship as all the cool girls were more than happy to hang out with her then and she bought them whatever they wanted. Not saying this is the case with you OK and as adults we would recognise thxe value in farming (and ice cream vans) but teens can be quite scathing of such things.

Scrubs
Thanks for that info. This is the post about op not liking children.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a3084454-Is-there-anything-you-are-ashamed-to-admit?msgid=73292866

tiny

Your dd is bound to pick up on this. Her esteem must be through the floor. Poor kid.

I really think this is a cry for help of some sort. Abnormal stealing (large sums that she knew would be found) would make me think either she is under horrible pressure from "friends" or she is looking for love, has terrible self esteem, is expressing anger, or is going through some serious mental health problem. Your daughter may not be aware of why she is stealing, but my first thought would be that you need to help her to figure out what is behind it.

Stealing from family is a betrayal of trust and I think that by lying to her, you are answering her betrayal by a betrayal of your own. I would never lie to a teenager at a moment like this.

I am not blaming you, because obviously you are in a very tough position, and I have no desire to judge your actions, but I do think you should examine your heart and think deeply about what you want to say to her on the deepest level.

It seems to me that a lot of posters see this action as an exacerbated form of a kid stealing a pack of gum from a store or pocketing a few pounds from parents. To me this sounds like a completely different problem from that kind of petty theft; this is NOT just a more serious form of petty theft.

That is so sad 😞 I actually feel sorry for your daughter. I have a 14 yr old DD too by the way, I hope she is secure in knowing we love her very much. I’m not condoning the stealing but there must be a much bigger reason underneath it all

Ffs it amazes me how many posters think the OP was too harsh.
This was not just a tenner, this was £500 - that’s a third of the monthly income on an average £20k salary.
In businesses with tight cash flow that could be enough to put them under in the wrong month.
I’m a bit on the fence about the Police issue - because at the end of the day if this was a non-family employee then no one would have a problem with that route being taken.
Also to the odd person who’s said no punishment - seriously?! This type of action would not go unpunished in the real world so it’s an important lesson to learn.
Also, those that oppose children having a part time job - it builds important life skills and (normally) impresses the value of money, it’s not the same as sending them up a chimney.
I think sacking was a good call - it mirrors the real-world consequence of the action but I’d draw the line at standing her in front of the other staff.
It wouldn’t happen in real life and the staff will work it out soon enough.

I stole some money (a couple of pounds over weeks) as a child and my mother told everyone she could that it was a thief.
I was a desperately unhappy child and I've never forgotten. I'm in my 60's now and the damage from her actions will never heal.
Be aware op.

• I not it

I did something very similar at that age - I stole money from family members and was caught because like the OP's DD did not really hide the fact. It was, in my case a very definite cry for help, I had been abused at a younger age by the person who I stole from. I also stole from other members who had not abused me. Looking back I wanted to be caught so I could break down and admit what had happened to me, I was very, very messed up, I knew it was wrong but I couldn't see any other way of asking for attention.

I'm not saying his is what is behind it but it maybe a cry for attention/help - only your DD will know this but I just wanted to put another perspective on this - sometimes when you can't voice what is troubling you, you create a situation that looks as bad as you are feeling. I wish you and your DD well and hopefully you will get to the bottoms of it .