I have just caught my daughter stealing...

[tinymango]

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

To be honest, I fundamentally disagree with kids having jobs anywhere for any amount of money. Going to school full time and getting an education is their job and it's enough in itself if they are doing it right. I say this as a teacher who has seen so many students achieve less than they should have at school due to other pressures such as work commitments.

I'm not suggesting it's a fair wage, merely pointing out how low wages are set for under 18s. Which is why certain high street chains employ young staff, so they can pay them less.
As a pp said, wages have not increased with inflation.

Is she being bullied? Does she want to impress ? Does she want to be included in a group by dressing/make up differently? Is she doing drugs ? (Yes, believe me) Has she offered to lend money to someone? Has she got a boyfriend? Is she isolated & unhappy ? Is she allowed to go out with friends or have to work ?
These are the real questions you need answers to.

Well said Booie. And just to add my son was desperate to get a part time job as soon as could so he could buy more expensive clothes and gadgets. He loves having his own money even though he earns less than NMW as he is only 15.

How are things this morning mango?

I've just caught up on the thread and I think you handled things really well last night, well done.

I think this morning you need a softer approach with your DD, it's really important to find out why she has done this. Are there things going on at school? Boyfriend? Is it a reaction to not feeling like she is being paid enough for the work that she does on the farm?

Hi OP

You’ve already had a lot of opinion on this thread. I stole a similar amount at the same age. I didn’t think far enough ahead to think about getting away with it or consequences of that much money going missing. You’re applying an adults ability to rationalise to a child with less knowledge and emotional intelligence.

I did it because I felt my mum was selfish. She didn’t buy me nice clothes or treats. I had the bare minimum and she spent all the family money on herself. As an adult, I still feel this way, although have a better concept of how much ‘spare’ money there might have been. I felt rejected by her because she did not care enough to want me to have nice clothes or do anything with me. I felt that if she wasn’t going to look after me in this way, I could just take the money and look after myself.

I spent the money in a pair of trainers, a CD player and some music. I also paid for a school trip she refused to pay for, which probably was the trigger for me stealing. When I was caught, I got told off and as much as could be was returned for a refund. I didn’t go on the trip (it was a day trip to a theme park, £30). I was desperate to fit in at school and failing. I only ever got clothes from a charity shop and basic plimsoles and cheapest school shoes. We had money, but not loads. Mum smoked and hot new handbags and make up when she wanted it. I was struggling for san pro.

My feelings of being rejected by my mum, classmates, life in general carried on. A year later I took an overdose. My mum, embarrassed by my actions, told the hospital nurse I was copying it off Casualty. No, she was in denial.

Please don’t reject your daughter and have her live somewhere else. It doesn’t matter if it’s next door. It’s rejection. Try to get to the bottom of why. If you don’t, you won’t be able to stop what might happen next.

Have you checked her social media history. This might or might not give some clue as to what is going on. Even after your talk you have no idea on why she actually stole the money. You seem very concerned with her getting a job.

Given you only pay her a few quid for a days work this could backfire as if she gets a job that actually pays a proper wage I doubt you will see her for dust.
I would suspect that she sees other people on the farm and maybe fellow classmates earning £20+ for their Saturday jobs and she is comparing her few pounds and think that you owe her.

DD at 14 we gave her £20 per week plus she had a regular Saturday job which paid another £20 in term time and she could pick up £125 for a week in the 6 weeks holidays.

Mehfruittea, that is such a sad post. I hope the OP sees it and - if it resonates with her situation - I hope she learns something from it.

What ever you do do not involve the police. Apart from them not having the resources for ‘giving stern words’ once they’re told a crime has been commited they’re obliged to submit a crime report. This is then disclosable on CRB checks. There is no such thing as ‘off the record’ when you talk to the police.

Off topic but when my son got a job at 14 paying £4 p/h I was delighted. He also works at my workplace sometimes for £5 p/h.... they need to learn the value of money and a work ethic

Mehfruittea

Please don’t call the police to give her a ‘talking to’
Even if she doesn’t receive a caution or a warning, the interaction with them will be recorded on the Police National Computer. This could seriously affect her career in the future,

I would go batshit crazy though as other posters have suggested.

Few concerns. Why does she have safe code? Why is she allowed go to safe and take money for window cleaner? Why is she made sit down and watch you counting loads of money in front of her on lodgement day? She is too young for all that. For years we had our own business and ourr dc would not even know where the safe is. She probably thinks all that money is for ye to spend.
Also during your chat you lied quite a few times. If you are demanding honesty from her be totally truthful with her or its double standards.
And do not sent her away. Your love and care is not for the good days only but also for the bad days. She needs to see that she has a secure relationship with ye not dependent on her actions. This is vital for her future development. She is learning. Teach her..thats your job.She sounds clueless about money so maybe all your plans of showing her family money is not a good idea. She is young. Maybe go back to treating her as a younger child for a while.
Whatever you do do not shame her in front of staff. Where is your concern for her as a child in that.

Please dont involve the police, as serious as it or it could end up showing on her record years down the line. Loads of employers do DBS and criminal record checks for all sorts of jobs i.e. Office jobs.

To be honest I would want her to also fully admit the window cleaner excuse was total BS, as she also lied about the speaker from school. The lying would also be a worry to me, I would also be using words like 'thief' and 'criminal' to her, to impress how serious it is as there is a pattern of behaviour building here with the 2 incidents.

Mehfruittea

I too hope the op reads your post and also all the people posting to take her to the police..

Good, she needs to know tge Impact if this. Four years down the line, she will be an adult, there will be no leniency there. She has to realise, not to steal and not to lie or this will become worse, stealing from shops and people and she may well end up on tge wrong side of the law.

I was earning around £5 for a 2 hour paper round at 14 in 1984, £2 an hour aged 15 in 1985

Really? I got £3 per hour waitressing in 1997!! Paper round in 1994 paid £2-3. I really don't think £3 per hour for a 13 year old is awful but I would pay more. I pay an 11 year old £2 per feed for feeding the cat which works out at £4+ per hour

If you tell your staff that your daughter took the money it’s likely she will be labelled a liar and a thief for the rest of her life in your community.

She stole from school, and lied about it before. That could have got her some serious trouble.

This is really bad. It’s an awful lot of money.

Saying that, Dh and I are sure that Ds1 occasionally takes a £10 note from our purse/wallet. We put money in his account, monthly by DD and give £10 here and there when he’s going out for the day.
Have you really talked to her? There must be a reason why she needs more.
I talked to Ds and realised all the other boys were from much more affluent families and were giving their boys more, each time they met up to play football etc.

I wouldn't parade her in front of the staff and I wouldn't involve the police
The fact that she pulled the money out in front of her aunt indicates she wanted to be caught
I think there must be a reason and I would try to get to the bottom of that

Definitely look into why. Teenagers have poor impulse control, so it could just have been a spur of the moment 'wanting the money'.

But, you do need to look deeper in case it's a cry for help or there are more sinister things going on. I had a friend at a similar age who regularly stole (small things) from shops when we were out together, he also self harmed and ended up with an eating disorder. I did ask him about the stealing a few times and he didn't really know why, but generally felt no-one cared about him. :(

Yes first op has to sanction her, then get to tge bottom of why she is stealing. Mabey GP and counselling, talking to the school, see if they have a pastoral care specialist.

Agree with those people saying she needs support. Also hide and lock up any money you have in the house as she is unable to resist temptation. Good luck op it’s a hard thing to deal with