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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just caught my daughter stealing...

289 replies

tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:30

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 12/11/2017 15:22

The Police are massively short staffed and under resourced... and it's no wonder if they're expected to come round and have talks with teenagers. Families should be able to deal with this sort of thing amongst themselves.

HughLauriesStubble · 12/11/2017 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thesmallthings · 12/11/2017 15:51

Yes the police are low manned but this is part of their job. It will hopfully stop her vomiting crimes later on and using the police time more then a 10 min chat.

ArsenicNLace · 12/11/2017 16:04

Yes the police are low manned but this is part of their job. It will hopfully stop her vomiting crimes later on and using the police time more then a 10 min chat.

No it is n't part of their job to parent people's children.

As other's have said this isn't the 1970's. They will have to submit a crime for theft showing the OPs daughter as the offender. It will be marked up that there was no prosecution because the parent's didn't want to prosecute and will be there for evermore and can be disclosed on DBS checks.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2017 16:07

Don’t call the police op. And not just because they are snowed under. But because I doubt this was about wanting rhe money. She can’t spend it and she knew full well her aunt would call you when she saw the fifty pound note. So she wanted to be caught.

Your job is much more complex than the simplistic and cold solution of calling the police and asking them to give up valuable resource to come scare your child. Your job is to try to find out why she did this and how to stop it happening again.

It could have been an impulse when she saw the money, but that doesn’t explain why she wished to get caught. I’d assume either because she saw the upset it caused or that other staff are under suspicion. Alternatively she was attention seeking for some reason.

Also don’t embarrass her in front of the staff, just say rhe money has been found and you want to apologise for any upset caused. Leave it there.

Then the two of you need to sit her down, with no other distractions, and no time limit, and keep talking to her till you get the truth on what happened here. And when I say talking, I mean talking, as in uou soeak and she speaks and you all listen. So not shouting, not anger, not tears. Show some love and understanding and try to listen and understand, if she doesn’t feel threatened, or judged, and she feels she has your attention, with a little bit of time invested , she may actually open up and tell you.

Thesmallthings · 12/11/2017 16:08

It isn't parenting... it's telling them and showing them what will happen.

No different to them going into schools or attending fun dats to educate children on the service.

And no it won't be on her record. Not if they agreento hair talk to her

VioletCharlotte · 12/11/2017 16:11

I just can't imagine being in a situation where I felt the Police would be better at dealing with an issue with my 14 year old than me.

Thesmallthings · 12/11/2017 16:13

That doesn't mean you can't sit down and find out why and support her to. But imo I would show her and maker her actually feel the fear aswell.

Original poster
tinymango · 12/11/2017 16:14

Hi Everyone!

Sorry it has taken me so long to update. She came into our bedroom this morning and apologised to her father & I. She came into the bed between us and we all had a cuddle although we are still very hurt.

Her & I were away this morning to the mart and we had a really good chat (sometimes it's better when we are working away at the same time). She just talked and talked and I listened.

She said there has been a lot of chat about makeup and certain youtubers (Zoella??) who are coming out with calendars and clothing and she hoped she could buy a few bits for Christmas. So it's all making sense.

I asked what would have happened if her father and I hadn't found the money and she said she understands now the importance of being honest and she probably would have told my aunty or her nan nan and asked for help. She said on Friday night after she seen me upset she planned on putting it back in the safe but, we had already changed the code.

She earns money from the farm. £5 an hour but, she only works when it suits and it's not hard work. Making up boxes or feeding lambs. Her school lunch money is paid by us as well as her phone contact. Her money is her own to spend as she wishes. She asks me for money freely for what ever else she needs.

We had such a sweet moment and I thanked her for her honesty and I told her I will love her endlessly and I'm so proud of her for being so mature and telling me for reasons for taking it.

However, she is still fired and she won't have the same access to the safe etc that she did before. We aren't going to tell the staff. I will say it was a counting error.

Maybe this event needed to happen to set up a learning experience that will hopefully aid her throughout the rest of her life.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinymango · 12/11/2017 16:16

*her aunty

OP posts:
PicklingGherkins · 12/11/2017 16:18

Honestly, your update brought a tear to my eye. I really hope she’s learned from this. I think you’ve knocked out some grade A parenting!!! X

VioletCharlotte · 12/11/2017 16:18

So pleased to read your update OP Smile

roundaboutthetown · 12/11/2017 16:23

So she had a really crappy reason for stealing one hell of a lot of money, then, OP. Is your dd really that shallow? Why the need to steal speakers from school and family cash for make up and clothes? Is she starved of that sort of thing normally, or bullied for being different? Or just lacking in morals? It doesn't seem to me you have got to the bottom of her behaviour at all.

Apileofballyhoo · 12/11/2017 16:23

All of that sounds really positive. It sounds like it was impulsive. I'm so glad she talked and you listened.

It's still hard to understand why she didn't ask you in the first place! Teenage brains are apparently similar to toddlers, hence the stereotypical slamming of doors etc. So perhaps it was just a split second decision that snowballed.

VioletCharlotte · 12/11/2017 16:26

Roundabout you sound delightful. Do you have no recollection of being 14 and the sort of peer pressure that goes on? She fucked up. It happens when you're a teenager.

OP I think you handed it really well. You're raising your daughter to know that whatever she does, she'll always be loved. And that's so important.

Original poster
tinymango · 12/11/2017 16:28

@roundaboutthetown Unfortunately, it seems as if she is! However, that's something that I am going to work on as a mother.
Show her that we love her for the person she is not for the accessories she comes with. She is still being punished!

@apileofballyho It was. We got a mile down the lane and suddenly the chatting started! She seemed to come home a lot 'lighter' in the sense that we had a really deep chat. She got a lot off her mind! She is still feeling very sad about it all but, thank god she has seen the error of her ways! I was dreading today!

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 12/11/2017 16:31

Yes, I have a very clear recollection of being 14. This particular 14-year old has twice been caught stealing items of high value. I would want to understand why and opportunism is not a good enough reason for two big attempted thefts, imvho.

roundaboutthetown · 12/11/2017 16:35

tinymango - it is good you are talking, at least. I still find it hard to comprehend how someone who gets given money if they ask and paid well to work in the family business still feels the need to steal. It just doesn't feel like the full picture, yet.

Original poster
tinymango · 12/11/2017 16:38

@roundaboutthetown We will get there! :) The floodgates have been opened and her father is yet to talk to her.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2017 16:49

I am pleased op it's positive and happy for you. Don't allow her any access to the safe or funds, or to know the codes, she cannot be trusted and has to earn that. Yes at that age they want everything, but very little value about money and how hard it is to earn. I hope you move on from this, and her dad talks to her.

AdalindSchade · 12/11/2017 16:50

I was a broke 14 year old - I didn't get any pocket money AT ALL at that age, I earned everything I spent. I didn't have nice clothes or makeup or anything. My dad was self employed and always had large amounts of cash in the house. I wouldn't have dreamt of stealing £10 from them.
Wanting nice stuff isn't a reason or an explanation for her behaviour. I think you still have work to do to figure it out with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2017 16:53

Unfortunately we live in a now now society, where you testers want things now! Things can be bought from the click of a button, instead of physically going into a shop. A lot of youngsters have no concept of saving for something, it's now now now, and op dd is one of those youngsters.

MummySparkle · 12/11/2017 16:56

So please to read your update mango. Keep the communication channels open with your DD

Jasminedes · 12/11/2017 17:01

As part of that chat, ask her about how she is going to cope with future impulses - we all have them, but have to learn.

PuellaEstCornelia · 12/11/2017 17:04

Wanting nice stuff IS a reason and an explanation. It's a crap one, but it's what was going on in her head
I think you've handled it brilliantly, Mango. You've given her the chance to learn that being forgiven doesn't mean it's forgotten or she's fully trusted, and that its her actions rather than anything else that rebuilds trust.
But I'd keep an eye on her!Smile