If you're still a social misfit when you're a grown up

[diggitydog]

Anyone out there not outgrown the painful teenage social misfit stage? Past the age of hiding behind being into cool bands or alternative clothing but still dreadfully lost and confused by the rules?

And how do you make sure your kids grow up with more confidence than you?

If you want to join these things you usually can IME

I'm certainly much, much more part of a friendly social group these days than I have been in the past. I've made a real effort and have learned a lot about how to behave by watching and imitating. But it is the close friends I struggle with.

If you are not part of the hugs you need to initiate the hugs...

I struggle with close friends too. I just am much more comfortable with me now. I feel it is actually ok to not be close and where I want to be close I remind myself to proactively initiate closeness.

Or is it just a thing that makes you feel sad because it highlights that you are odd? Good point offred, I think for me it's this. I'm happy in my own company. This morning, I've had a lovely morning doing some crafting with DD while DS is at school, and we'll go out for a walk once we're done with lunch. I'm happy with that. When I take DS to school, I'm always by myself - I only actually speak to DS/DD and maybe one or two of DS's friends if they come up to say hello. Sometimes I feel a bit sad that I'm not a mum that other mums want to talk to, but I've now taken to standing slightly away from everyone because it felt more lonely to be standing near them while not speaking to anyone. If DH does the drop off he'll come back saying "Oh so and so's mum was saying hello" and I'm just like "How?!?" because he very very rarely does the drop off, and I'm there every day, yet can't bring myself to impose my chat on people who I don't know.

I have a friend, and I've joked with her before that I should wear a badge that says "Actually pretty sound once you get to know me", because I can actually demonstrate these ("Good looks, bubbly personality, wit, charisma" from upthread) qualities when I feel at ease, even if my wit/charisma is a bit on the eccentric side. I just very rarely feel at ease enough to demonstrate it.

I am careful not to come on too strong so the other person tends not to know I am hurt on realising I am not their close friend.

I'm wrestling at the moment with how much/what kind of contact to make with this person. I don't want to entirely give up, I want to show that I would like to be good friends. But I don't want to overdo it either. Ugh. How do other people know how to do this?

If this one completely falls by the wayside I think it will be a long time before I dare hope again.

It’s remembering about mutuality I think. You make your attempts to initiate closeness but then you need to recognise the response and act appropriately.

If you never get off the starting blocks to initiate because you are worried about getting it wrong then you will never have the closeness. But you have to be confident enough to accept failing at it and trying again.

If you come on too strong you need to be more like ‘meh, I know what I did there, i’ll be better at it next time’ rather than ‘oooooooo god i’m never ever speaking to anyone again because i’m just so embarrassing’

If you see it all as role play/a game it makes the stakes a hell of a lot lower than if you feel it is a commentary on your worth as a person.

It impacts how close you are ultimately able to get if you see it in that way but I don’t know if I want to ever be genuinely intimately and freely close with anyone.

That's the trick, isn't it. I think had I got a diagnosis as a child, I'd maybe have been better equipped to handle socialising through school and uni, rather than trying to initiate closeness but not being able to recognise and act appropriately on the responses, and having my attempts ending up in horrific bullying, sexual assault, depression/alcohol abuse/self harm/suicide attempts all by the age of 21. I don't know how usual this is, but out of my siblings (2, I'm the oldest), I'm the only one who has had no contact with anyone from school since leaving school, and I only keep in semi-regular contact with two people from uni (both flatmates, who I didn't have to seek out, if that makes sense). I keep no contact with any of my former work colleagues. If a friendship presents a challenge that I wasn't expecting, my default reaction is to just retreat into myself and panic. DH and my siblings all keep in contact with people they've known almost their whole lives.

I have friends on Facebook who I met through antenatal groups who all chat amongst themselves, and I've wondered if I should message some of the ones who have spoken to me separately in the past to apologise for if I've come across as though I'm not bothered for their friendship, when I am, I just don't want to impose on their lives, or have them thinking "Oh fgs not her again". Same with my uni flatmate who's recently had her first child - I don't want her to think I'm bothering her, and I've been having to try really hard to not message her lots to ask how she's doing, how the baby is, or send presents for the baby because I was so happy that this person who I really care for has this wonderful new thing going on in her life.

Sorry for the verbal (or typographical :P) diarrhoea there... I don't tend to commit these thoughts to words.

Very late on in life, I've finally found out I have aspergers. It just wasn't "a thing" back then. It's pretty much dictated my life and friendships. I've spent years agonising about why I was different, why I didn't form close friendships, why I couldn't socialise etc. I'd force myself to do things, only to fail and make myself more miserable.

Now I know about aspergers, my life suddenly makes sense. I don't try to fit in anymore and I feel free to be myself. Now that I am honest with myself, I just do what I want to do and don't obsess about what others are doing etc. As a result, I have started to form some new friendships, based on the truth as to who I am rather than the lie of who I thought I should be.

I’m very similar gherkin.

I have professional boundaries in professional situations. I do not make friends there. I have no friends from school because they were disastrous (not my friends really just laughing at me really). I tend to occasionally spot someone that I want to ‘collect’ and worry about everything that I do...

My romantic relationships have been a disaster, I have been very vulnerable to abuse etc.

I think something just changed inside me to make me happier TBH, i’m not sure what it was exactly as on the outside not much has changed. I think i’m just more forgiving of myself than I used to be.

I tend to get stuck on the things people say but don’t mean.... it’s very hard for me to understand why someone would say something they don’t mean, why I would want to or should consider it isn’t meant when it has been said, why other people assume I don’t mean things i’ve said...

But my best friend ATM is one of those all over the place (as I see it) ‘I’ll call you later/shall we go out tomorrow’ people so I feel good about having achieved the level of closeness I have with her.

I’ve decided I don’t need to understand why people do that but I do need to understand when people are doing it.

Swirlingasong I am totally with you on that. I don't get it. I am therefore most likely the standoffish one......but, I know I compartmentalise friendships and whilst I may chat a lot and it seems like am sharing a lot to some, it's mainly cos am keeping the other stuff back. Then wonder why it's hard to connect to people.......whilst I know it's cos am not really revealing 'me' - that's reserved for true friends. But, I think some of it is trust? Can't trust easily as in the past 'friends' have turned out not to be as good friends as I thought. If you pass the friends test with me then it's a solid friendship where I will always be there and make a lot of effort. Just high standards to get to that stage!

I realise now why I find it so hard though after reading more about ASD and am learning to embrace the weirdness whilst trying to decide whether I want to go the route of someone I know with same issues which is the 'copy it and fake it'.

Yes - I might not understand why things are the way they are, but it really helps me to just classify things as "The Rules", without which society will fall apart . It's part of the reason why threads about school uniforms etc stress me out out and I can't read them - so many people saying "but why" and I just want to reply saying "No! That's the rules! You follow the rules!".

I'm not in contact with anyone from secondary/VI form. I'm kind of just barely in contact with one primary school friend, who pre-dates my social self-consciousness. I'm sort of just about in contact with a couple of undergrad friends, but it's few and far between.

I am in contact with a group from grad school, but they are joint friends with DH as that is when I met him. It's still me who maintains the contact a bit more, but having them as couple friends makes it easier. Recently I've been trying to become closer friends with some of the women. Even though we have known each other as couples for a very long time there is still a distance there. After all these years I'm not sure whether it is possible to change things at all.

Anyone else not worried that they are lljs workmate

ISTJ here, AQ 38. I wish I was better at recognising what is expected in chitchat, I'm bloody awful no matter how hard I try... also struggle with people's extreme emotional reactions I.e sobbing for news stories and crying with laughing. DH thinks I'm part robot
Sometimes I've wondered if I'm soulless

Those of you who, like me, basically function fine but just feel a bit awkward and disconnected from everyone else; who think they may be "borderline" on the ASD scale. Do you ever discuss these feelings with anyone else, or do you keep them to yourself?

I’ve started to. My dd’s Diagnosis has made this easy. I’ve also found it is helpful in the social transactions that breed closeness because it is offering a nugget of info re my vulnerability that elicits a vulnerability response.

Do you ever discuss these feelings with anyone else, or do you keep them to yourself?

I discuss them with my partner, parents and friends who feel similar.

I discuss them with my partner in a very top line way. He doesn't know how bad I feel about it all.
I've tried to lightheartedly reference it to acquaintances and it's gone down like a shit sandwich.

I keep them to myself. I don't think I'd be taken seriously, or worry that I'd be told I'm looking to make excuses.

Stubble , I could have written your post! I too wondered if I was IIjs workmate! I've got a bit of a cold and feeling sorry for myself today so when a lovely, chirpy new girl at work started yapping at me in my precious lunch break I gave her a curt response and turned away. I felt awful after, but couldn't bear to talk to her after being with people for the previous 5 hours. I've realised that I've formed a bad habit of bring rude to people to avoid contact. Does anyone else do this?

DH thinks I'm part robot
My DH says the same

ha! My workmate would never read MN. That's WAY too sociable for her. Let's face it, most of us post here out of need for social confirmation. Workmate doesn't need that. That's what I envy about her.