If you're still a social misfit when you're a grown up

[diggitydog]

Anyone out there not outgrown the painful teenage social misfit stage? Past the age of hiding behind being into cool bands or alternative clothing but still dreadfully lost and confused by the rules?

And how do you make sure your kids grow up with more confidence than you?

Ha ha magicians.... 4?! That probably explains feeling like a misfit but now you’re a misfit on the misfits thread

I just got 36 on the AQ test. To be honest over the last couple years it’s beckme more and more apparent to me that I have hfa, have struggled on and off all my life and that my childhood in particular would have been much easier had I had that knowledge then. It’s also made my relationship with dh very difficult at times: I am considering going for a private assessment just so I can say to him ‘I told you so’ and hopefully he will try and understand me a bit better

@ Magicians. I'm sure that is a very, very unusual result!

That's what tempts me about being assessed Kenworthington. I sometimes wonder if I had an official diagnosis if it would help me understand why I struggle, help DH/others understand me. But at the same time, I've had 28 years of being me and I've learned how to handle myself reasonably well. I'll get times when the thought of having to do any socialising beyond chatting to my 3 year old sends me into an anxiety attack, but I know that if I have a day with no plans I can regroup at my own pace. I do wonder if that's the reason why I can't work - I'm a SAHM partially out of choice, partially because I was in near permanent meltdown trying to fathom going back to work after maternity leave. I can't even think about the logistics of me going into paid employment without going into a tailspin because our family routine works. But would diagnosis help? I don't think so. I wouldn't want to go into a hypothetical workplace with a diagnosis incase that gets used against me, or anything that happens is "oh well she's autistic".

Sorry for the slight thread derailment from misfittery into adult ASD assessment chat!

Smeaton Me too.

I've found my people - another INTJ, with an AQ of 43. I've decided not to seek formal diagnosis because I suspect I'm too 'successful' - I'm happily married and can hold down a job - so what would be the point?

I'm female, but have many male characteristics - I'm not very bothered about how clean and tidy the house is and I'm happy to have long gaps between contact with friends. I've found being a mum hard because many of my misfit friends don't have children. I'm also worried I'll be judged (not least about our domestic standards - DH are very similar on this front, so it's not a problem within our relationship), and struggle to make mum friends. Finding time to see others without DD is hard.

INTJ too. tad unnerving ...

Aye, 41 on the AQ test- no surprises there. I have suspected I'm on the spectrum for about 5 years (thanks to MN), and am just about starting to think that I'd like an official diagnosis, just so I don't have to keep saying "Well, I've never been officially diagnosed, but I strongly suspect that...."

Being a misfit is bloody tough. Some days it really gets me down, but I have found some things that have helped me over the years. One is cognitive behavioural therapy; I used to get very emotional and upset about things that people would do, and would often lose control, in the form of getting visibly, hysterically upset. CBT has stabilised me- it's great at helping you to unpick others' motives , putting yourself in their shoes and realising that it's not all about you- valuable lessons for the average Aspie! Consequently, I have become calmer, and have had less fallings- out with people in my life.

Another is ceasing, comprehensively, to give a shit about what people think about me. Not everybody is going to like me, by a country mile. That is fine. Some do. That is good. I am sufficient unto myself.

Also, I have realised that I wouldn't want to be neurotypical. It's shocking to watch people sacrificing their principles or basic sense of decency in order to fit in with the pack. Autistic people are often pathologised as having something "wrong" with them, but looking at it from the other side, I'm not too convinced that it's us who are the weirdos!

INTJ here too.

Autistic people are often pathologised as having something "wrong" with them, but looking at it from the other side, I'm not too convinced that it's us who are the weirdos! Love this!

How did you go about having CBT? Did you seek the therapy through the NHS?

every time I take the Myer Briggs test I get a different answer. But I think I'm never Sensing & probably never Feeling (so not S or F).

Hi Jaim, CBT is often the easiest kind of psychotherapy to access through the NHS- even in this day and age your GP should be able to refer you, and the waiting lists are (relatively) short. Also, because of its nature (you do a lot of "homework" yourself), it can be effective just doing it yourself- either by buying a book or having a look for some online resources.

I'm not too convinced that it's us who are the weirdos! Love this!* I was just about to right something like this myself. Embrace

ljkk I vary between ENTP and INTP, what helped me figure out was to read about the cognitive functions. Even though I’m ENTP I’d still describe myself as an “introvert” for the most part, but in MB it’s about the function. So I use extroverted intuition, or Ne, which means I take inspiration from the world and my ideas. It doesn’t mean I want to constantly socialise.

Dunno if that might help you figure it out, I’m a bit rubbish at explaining it!

Offred, I always assumed you were INTJ from your style! They are much more often very individual/misfits than a classic INFJ. But obviously MN style is not the whole person haha.

TheCatsPaws, interesting but having been into M-B for a long time, I still get muddled on this as for me it's hard to narrow it down (inspiration sources) - so what does INTP takes inspiration from?

TheCatsPaws, I very much relate to your sentiments about work and feeling trapped. I described my impending day at work as going "into lock down"

I'm definitely not ASD. I took the AQ test a while back, and scored 27. I'm INTP.

I have always worked with people. I'm intuitive and read people well. I just find them interesting but exhausting. I'm not much interested in general chit chat, I'm interested in people's motivation, what makes them tick.

I have been described as odd and quirky, Kookie and weird. I have friends but I don't generally miss people if I don't see them. It's not possible really to find people with similar interests. The only really interesting conversation I seem to have recently is with my equally odd ball INTJ science obsessed DS. I love spending time with him. It's relaxing and energising. DP and friends listen to us discussing quantum mechanics or whether the universe could be dialectical (my son is working on a proof to explain Hegel's dialectic with maths, which may also undermine any big bang theory, he's 16) or philosophy, and they find this exhausting. But I'm not interested in pop culture or TV or what the woman up the road said. I find gossip and small talk boring.

It might be easy to have friends, but I wonder how fulfilling it is if you can't be yourself.

Love the dominant function is introverted thinking, or Ti, which is sort of an internal logic system.

ENTP use Ne then Ti, INTP use Ti then Ne. In practise, they look very similar, especially as ENTPs often aren’t very extroverted in the typical sense. I relate to both descriptions, but I know I use my Ti to filter my Ne rather than using my Ti to come up with the initial thought, if that makes sense?

Mini I am the same. I find people interesting from a scientific perspective and I like to know how their mind works. I love to discover what causes them to think what they think. Unfortunately people seem to take asking questions like “why do you think so? But what about x? What if the situation were this?” as insults, which causes me so many issues.

Your son sounds brilliant. I love quantum physics, I find it fascinating to know how the world works? I don’t understand how someone can look at their surroundings and not feel a burning desire to understand it’s origin, how it works, and that. DP shares my interests but has remarked that I don’t know how to “switch off and stop learning” and that I’m like an encyclopaedia for useless facts. I can’t switch off though. I spend hours googling and reading papers on random topics because it interests me and knowledge is what I need.

I hate pop culture. I actually have a huge issue with the fact that scientists, artists and authors aren’t celebrated the way models, reality stars and “celebs” are, because it causes anti intellectualism to thrive. Of course I believe it’s completely intentional as an uneducated populace is a docile populace, which is what governments want, but that’s going down a whole other rabit hole! But it’s always bothered me that those who are contributing to the collective knowledge and improving the lives through either discovery and research, or talent, get no recognition and are even mocked.

I’ve always said that. If I can’t be true to myself then I’m not doing it.

I like your views about pop culture CatsPaws I often wonder who are the people who are interested in this stuff because no one I know is, yet the amount of it on TV, internet and magazines suggest that it is to please the majority but where the fuck are they?

I would love tv, internet and magazines to be full of science and facts instead of boring obsessions about looks and who is fucking who I never stop wanting to learn, that's why I became a scientific researcher

Have to say I'm feeling pretty normal and not at all weird on this thread.

There's a difference between genuinely being a social misfit and saying you are as a sort of humblebrag meaning that you consider yourself to be superior to us mundane with our petty little concerns and conversations.......

Miss yes! I love documentaries and I don’t understand why TV isn’t used for gaining knowledge. There’s some fascinating stuff around! I hate reality TV with a passion, why should I care about some airheads sex life? I don’t hold it against them, each to their own, but why televise it? Why are people bothered?

I don’t have a mainstream TV anymore. I buy documentary and scifi boxsets instead.

Bertrand just as others can have threads discussing what they like, so can we. We aren’t insulting anyone or saying that we’re better. Your comment is quite annoying, myself and several others have been made to feel like outcasts by “normal” people, and so when we form our own thread to talk about things we enjoy with people who are likeminded, you still take offence? Jeez.

I don't buy into narrative about docile population being kept down & manipulated by dastardly governments... but I AM cynical about the accuracy of Myer Briggs personality test.

One of my colleagues is delightedly grumpy introvert. I envy her for it. She unabashedly glares at the world like "WTF are you doing in my space?!" Not as unpleasant in person as it sounds. I was raised to feel shame about being introverted, argh.

I struggle with pop culture, true. I can't muster more than 5 minutes interest per year.

"We aren’t insulting anyone or saying that we’re better."

Well, you are a bit!