If you're still a social misfit when you're a grown up

[diggitydog]

Anyone out there not outgrown the painful teenage social misfit stage? Past the age of hiding behind being into cool bands or alternative clothing but still dreadfully lost and confused by the rules?

And how do you make sure your kids grow up with more confidence than you?

[TheCatsPaws]

I don’t think we have insulted anyone? Keep in mind this thread has a few people with higher than average AQ, therefore we’re probably more blunt than what you’d expect. Again, this is a thread for us, so, no one’s forcing anyone to read it.

[tinmachine]

Thanks for the words of wisdom there Bertrand.

[Offred]

I felt a Bertrandy at that comment but equally one of the things I have learned since I was a child is that asking ‘why?!’ (As with my example further up the thread of not understanding why it was cool to mess up your education) When it is a thing that other people seem to collectively understand can come across as though you are actually being superior. I used to get really upset at stepping on those kinds of ‘but why does x happen it seems illogical?’ Landmines and offending people when I really just didn’t understand.

[Offred]

One of my main things has been wanting to understand everything and studying people in a scientific manner has helped me learn loads of rules that help me with situations involving people. If something is one of those social rules that NT people understand so intuitively that they have never thought about ‘why?’ And an AS person asks ‘why?’ I have found that firstly it marks the AS person as extra to the group because they don’t just understand and secondly it makes people feel defensive because being asked to explain these things feels like a challenge to their existence.

[TheCatsPaws]

have found that firstly it marks the AS person as extra to the group because they don’t just understand and secondly it makes people feel defensive because being asked to explain these things feels like a challenge to their existence.

This, so much. People always get defensive about things I ask but it’s just because I’m interested. They think in a way that, to me, is illogical and I’m curious as to how they react those conclusions. And often I’m confused because I can’t work out what they’re doing. It’s NOT an attack.

[TheCatsPaws]

Reach not react

[Miniwerewolfhugs]

I'm another social misfit I have several relatives who have been diagnosed with ASD and having learned a bit about it from them I recognise a lot of traits in myself. It's not that I'm unfriendly though I like people and enjoy a good chat about the weather or pop culture but I think I often don't connect with people and annoy them. Ironically it's normally the people I would say have great social skills and seem to have lots of friends who don't get on with me. I think it's because I'm a bit scruffy and awkward and either talk too much or not enough and they just don't like that. Like the OP I congratulate myself if I get through the day without having an awkward conversation and this has made me a bit shyer than I would have otherwise been. But I do still get on with quite a lot of people and would be lonely if I spent all day by myself.
My Dh is another one who has a high AQ when he took the test. We are alike in some ways which is why we get on. I don't think Dh thinks of himself as a social misfit so much as thinking most other people are annoying and he doesn't like socializing much. He is like me in enjoying a friendly chat at work or walking the dog, but beyond that he doesn't really want any friends and is happy with just our family and his beloved pets. Dh can be a very difficult person and I'm sure MN would tell me to LTB but we do get on most of the time, due to these similarities we have. However I would love it if life could be just a bit less of a struggle!

[illuminousopptomist]

This may be a little odd but I always like to know people's sibling line up. I like to know if have brothers or sisters and where they fall in the family. This bit of information helps a great deal. I have only ever sustained friendships with people who have a similar sibling line up to me. This probably sounds nuts I know!

[TheCatsPaws]

Lmao

“TheCatsPaws

You were a goady entitled ** on a thread I watching yesterday. You need to go away and close the down on your way out.”

Comment I just got on a thread. I was never goady, I just offended people by mistake with me applying what to me, was a logical view, to the thread. Oops.

Seriously though I do get sick of people misunderstanding me.

[GherkinSnatch]

That is why I usually have to be very considered on here. The more I post, the more confident I get in my posts which then puts me at greater risk at going OTT (I feel I embarrassed myself last night on the chicken stuffing thread by trying to be funny, which I know is ridiculous but I wanted people to like me, when they don't even know me other than as words on a screen). But other threads, I feel I can't post because I don't want to say the wrong thing, or appreciate that in a sensitive situation I don't want to come across as a sledgehammer, so I say nothing - which I also do in real life.

[irregularegular]

I'm not a misanthrope. I would love to have some really close friends, or even just one, but I find it very hard. I usually feel as though I am on one side of a wall and everyone else is on the other. As I've got older I've tried really hard to be sociable and friendly and there are more and more windows in the wall. I can talk through the windows, smile and wave through the windows, but I never seem to really reach through and connect with people. I never seem to open any doors. It makes me sad. I don't think people really realise these days, though I'm never entirely sure. I think people see me as being fairly confident and sociable, but very slightly aloof.

I recently thought I'd make a real friend. We'd always got on well and circumstances led us to spend one-on-one time regularly and I thought we had a real connection. But now circumstances have changed and we are only meeting occasionally. I'm really missing her, but worse than that I think maybe I made a mistake and actually I our "friendship" didn't mean much to her in the first place,

I'm also INTJ and just got 30 on the ASD test. I think my score would probably vary with my mood though and I tend to only take it when I am feeling down about social stuff. I've never mentioned to anyone that I think a might be on the autistic spectrum. I think most people would probably tell me not to be daft, but I'm not sure. Maybe that is what everyone thinks!

[irregularegular]

I recently thought I'd MADE a real friend, not MAKE

[BertramTheWalrus]

Of course I believe it’s completely intentional as an uneducated populace is a docile populace, which is what governments want
I think it's the other way round, the majority of people don't want to engage their brains which is why they prefer pop culture to intellectually challenging culture. I think most people don't need any kind of culture in order to be kept docile, having enough food, money and social contacts is more than enough for them.
I wouldn't describe myself as a misfit because it's a very harsh word. But I don't fit in anywhere. I feel disconnected from everyone except DP. There's a massive gulf between me and other people - my parents, siblings, relatives, colleagues, acquaintances. I don't feel close to anyone and I suppose no one feels close to me either, though I do have a couple of close friends and am generally liked. I was very popular at school but as soon as I found myself in a looser context at university my confidence collapsed and I am still struggling. I feel boring and empty and useless.

[MagiciansSign]

Yes I understand what you mean GherkinSnatch. Posting on MN is a similar kind of considered, even painful endeavour for me. I change my name almost every week and hide threads regularly - dislike the gratuitous "attack" mode of many posters.

But your post has made me think. Yes, its good to be sensitive to others' feelings - its a positive thing. But one must also exist in one's own truth and sometimes one must speak it. I always admire people who speak their truth even if it makes them unpopular (especially in these hysterically-judgy-social-media-times). Even if people hate them and even if they have transgressed. Perhaps especially if they have transgressed, as it seems to me the hatred that pours out of the accusers is usually completely out of proportion to the alleged crime or misdemeanour. But I digress ...

[Offred]

Yes I think most people don’t want to engage their brains most of the time. I envy it slightly because i’m often like a steam train inside; analysing, categorising, collecting, problem solving and I wish I could switch it off sometimes.

But on the whole I feel very happy, secure and stable in myself at the moment. It was a lightbulb moment to hear my siblings talk about negotiating social situations by feelings and realising I just cannot relate to it. I negotiate by rules.

I’ve built up a full system of rules that help me negotiate social situations now and that has significantly alleviated the feeling of stepping on landmines because I mostly know better ways to get the information I need without upsetting or offending people for no real reason.

[Offred]

And in some ways I get a bit of peace, rather than feeling envious/excluded, from people in social situations now. I get peace from feeling I have negotiated situations successfully; without offending people and still collecting the information I need.

[Offred]

Often in the past when I asked my ‘why?’ Questions it was because I was feeling sad that I seemed to be missing a piece of myself that others just seemed to be born with.

Like with reading. I have never really got much out of fiction books. When I try to read them I feel annoyed by what I feel is superfluous description which makes it annoying for me, I don’t imagine the world of the book, I feel ‘what is the point of reading a made up story? I’m not learning anything useful from this, i’d rather spend this time reading something useful’

But over time I have learned that saying ^ upsets people because they think I am being superior. If I say something along the lines of ‘I have always felt sad, and like a piece of me was missing, because I struggle to enjoy reading fiction’ etc I can actually find out much more about how other people experience fiction and what they get out of it - which is the point for me...

[Offred]

Haven’t quite worked out the line between perception of humble connection and humble brag though...

[Offred]

It’s a rule anyway; to get my info I need to show I am not intending to be threatening and that I am intending to try and learn something from someone in a way they understand. This requires an IFTTT system of rules I have created in my mind.

[Offred]

I am never "the" friend only a friend. At school I watched my peers run up to each other squealing in delight at seeing each other after the weekend

I have always watched this and thought ‘urgh, I’m glad that’s not me I’d hate it.’

Do you think you would actually like it if ppl were like that with you? Or is it just a thing that makes you feel sad because it highlights that you are odd?

I’ve had times of being sad because I was odd but i’ve never ever been sad because I actually wanted these things...

[irregularegular]

Yes Openup41 I quite often seem to be the only one in a group of women who isn't part of the hugs as people arrive. Not always, but often enough for me to notice. Doesn't really happen with men - they either kiss/hug all the women or none.

[irregularegular]

Do you think you would actually like it if ppl were like that with you?

Some people, yes.

Perversely, I sometimes get people who are like this with me and seem to really want to be my close friend and I really don't! Then I feel mean.

[Offred]

If you want to join these things you usually can IME. You just need to hang around on the edge, learn the dynamic, put into action what you have learned, strategically manoeuvre yourself close to one or two of the group that are the pack leaders/includes, and then you will be part of it too. I’ve done it in the past (as a teen) but it confirmed my feeling that I just hate it.

[Offred]

I try to see it as role play...