If you're still a social misfit when you're a grown up

[diggitydog]

Anyone out there not outgrown the painful teenage social misfit stage? Past the age of hiding behind being into cool bands or alternative clothing but still dreadfully lost and confused by the rules?

And how do you make sure your kids grow up with more confidence than you?

[GherkinSnatch]

Not a clue. I suppose I have to really force myself to try and socialise with other parents but it rarely works. I’m quite happy by myself. I’d love to have more friends, be a sociable person, but I find a lot of pop culture outside of my specific interests just strikes me as being completely inane, and I’m not very good at hiding my disdain.

Although it has been suggested on a few occasions since I was 18 that I should be assessed for (admittedly very high functioning) ASD so I’m maybe not the best reference point.

[diggitydog]

I haven't but I come up very high on the asd tests you find online. I only started looking because of my 2 son's behaviour and realised, well there's probably a genealogical reason we're all a bit awkward.
I don't think any of us have diagnosable problems but they still feel strong and present to me.
But yeah, the ideal is for my kids to have a strong sense of self identity so I can help them navigate the waters.

[diggitydog]

Cross post with gherkinsnatch

[TheCatsPaws]

Thats been said to me too Gherkin.

[illuminousopptomist]

Yes swirling. This instant friendship frightens the hell out of me.

I tend to like a mum at school or wherver and then they seem to become close friends with someone I think is an absolute horror and then said friend flanks them wherever they go, it kills me every time it happens. It's as if they have no quality control on complete idiots entering their life.

[TheCatsPaws]

Online AQ tests usually score me around 29/30, I believe 32 is the score used for Aspergers. I’ve had people in real life suggest I’m mildly ASD. I can see it, but eh. It doesn’t bother me. It’s often others who have an issue with me lol not the other way.

[illuminousopptomist]

I score 32 on the AQ score. When I mention the score to anyone they say don't be ridiculous illuminous. I am probably very high functioning.

[TheCatsPaws]

I think women who have autistic traits often get missed, because people just don’t consider it.

Growing up I just thought I was a massive nerd and nonconformist. I have suffered with anxiety (not social, generalised) since childhood though which would go with ASD.

[diggitydog]

Illouminous yes! I struggle to see the maths behind a lot of friendships and it destabilises my own view of the world.

[Ttbb]

Um, why would you not want to be different? I mean, who in their right mind wants to be a lemming or even worse genuinely average.

[GherkinSnatch]

That’s like me Thecats - generalised anxiety, and deviation from The Plan is a major breakdown trigger for me, and some sensory processing issues as well as the social side (though I have a good understanding of social etiquette I find it hard to understand why things are done certain ways other than that they are, and I’ve found myself in dangerous situations with men because I struggle to read people). I agree about it being missed in females - growing up I remember hearing that only boys could be autistic.

[BonnieF]

I've always been a misfit, too. Always the odd one out.

I gre up very working class, but university and a professional career mean that I am now, by any objective criteria, middle class. The problem is that I now don't fit in anywhere. Socially, I'm an imposter in both my previous and current lives.

It doesn't help that by the age of 15 I had formed the opinion that most people were idiots. They still are.

[Ropsleybunny]

It’s wrong to call ourselves antisocial, we just prefer our own company. Antisocial people make trouble, draw graffiti, drop rubbish etc.

I am now happy to enjoy my own company, there’s nothing at all wrong with it.

[Swirlingasong]

Yes, Bonnie, I can totally relate to the feeling of fitting in nowhere due to education and background.

[Ohyesiam]

Confidence comes from feeling like you have a place in the world, a right to exist.
Like lots of people I had mine undermined by being over controlled, squashed and criticised. No part of me felt " right " as it was, I felt I had to change myself just to be ok.
So, and I'm sure you'll do this anyway, let your dd be who she is, let her explore the world on her own terms. Let her know you love her as she is, that her uniqueness impresses you.
BTW I'm middle aged with lots of confidence now, so even if something does come along and undermines our kids' confidence, it's not all lost.

[DaisyRaine90]

Yeah I’m a bit like that but have stopped giving a shit a bit which helps 😂

[ShizeItsWeegie]

I've been on the periphery of things all my life. I seem to be constantly disappointed in the behaviour of others around me. I find friendships (unless very superficial) very hard work. I have two close friends only and would do anything for them and they me. I often don't speak to them for weeks on end but it doesn't affect the depth of the friendship thankfully. If I have to socialise, I fake it and then retreat exhausted from constantly finding the right facial expression and deploying it!
It's good to know I'm not alone

[MagiciansSign]

What an interesting thread!

And "The Misfits" - one of my favourite films - quite dark, quite deep.

I think this is a subject I can look at with hindsight (in my fifties now). Though I was superficially normal, I always went my own way in life. I look back and wish I'd honoured that more but I was just so unaware. I did some things conventionally (a fairly conventional job) but everything else was a strange mix. Like another poster I was also from a poor-ish background, but educated. I have remained poor but am even more highly educated (mostly self-educated) so its even more confusing for people I think. Most of my interests, especially my intellectual interests, literature, philosophy etc I can't really share with anyone in my social sphere, and there is a certain isolation and frustration in that occasionally. Other times I feel wonderfully energised by being alone - it really feels thrilling to just be myself, and I really enjoy being different - I look at what being a "normal" woman means and it makes me feel quite queasy.

However, the downside is I do find most attempts at friendships not very satisfying perhaps as a result and sometimes disappointing.

[MagiciansSign]

I also found Myers Briggs testing helpful (I'm INFJ, a rare type in itself, which might explain things).

[MagiciansSign]

And to add the film "The Misfits" - yes its quite dark, quite deep - but also a strangely beautiful film.

And to add - I regret some of the conformism of younger self, especially around work choices (I mostly worked in a rather dull office which I found actually quite "painful" to do at times). If I'd had more self-understanding and confidence, I might have gone off and tried to do something more aligned with who I really was. But I'm sure I'm not the only person who has experienced this.

[JetCityWoman]

Yep. Stilla misfit. Still show my goth side every now and again even though Im 30s. Id do it everyday but the truth is I just cba every day to put the make up on

People look at me weird. I am strange. I am the weird woman with a camera as old as me with birdsnest hair often no make up wearing DMs, bags covered with patches, crazy tights and doing it solo. No man.

I have found women can find the confidently single thing a little intimidating so that brings up a heap of friendship challenges and men... ugh. they see the single thing as an easy lay/some one to cheat with so that makes another heap of friendship challenges.

Given up trying to navigate it and do things my own way. The way I want and need friends feels so alien compared to how everyone else wants and needs friends. No one has really 'fit' me no matter how hard I try. I have accepted my eccentricities as something rather wonderful even if isolating.

[TheCatsPaws]

I also find office work painful. It’s hard to describe. I need freedom and flexibility otherwise I kind of collapse in on my emotions. I always blamed my depression tbh.

[Offred]

Ha ha! I’m INFJ too

[Offred]

I got 36 on the AQ test.

[GherkinSnatch]

I just did the AQ test and got 43