18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

Op these are not the actions of a man who loves you. Think about what this is doing to your dds. What example are you setting by letting him treat you like this? Leave - for your sake and theirs.

The truth which you do not seem able to accept or want to accept is that you will never ever be able to trust this man again. Really the title of your post and content needs to be about how you can move forward with your life rather than continue with this no life at all with your partner.

So it’s ok for him to be crying and upset at the thought of not seeing his daughters every day or losing his cushy lifestyle, but it’s not ok for you to upset and angry that he was shagging another woman. Why is that?

I’m really am sorry and I know it’s horrible and it hurts. But you can’t trust him because he’s given you absolutely no reason to and until you both except and deal with that, then I really don’t think your relationship will improve.

It’s time to put your big girl pants on and have the talk. Not a shouting screaming talk, but a do we have a relationship to save talk. You both need to be completely honest with each other, you won’t go back to ‘normal’ but you might be able to make a new relationship with each other work.

Of course you both have to equally want to make it work and be willing to put the effort in.

I think sadly from what you’ve written your dh won’t be willing to that.

I fully respect your wish to try though, but you do really need to take some control back and stop hiding your feelings so he doesn’t go running back to the ow.

You are not your mum.

Give your DDs the gift of a strong mother. You're already the breadwinner.

Your life with your daughters will be amazing. Your DH will destroy you.

This is honestly one of the saddest threads I've read on here.

You are not your mum
Your DH is not your father
The OW is not your stepmother
You need to start facing reality I'm afraid. No matter how hard.
Your daughter will see you broken down by this, and with no hope of future happiness.
I just struggle with people who believe their hiding their unhappiness from their children, because they put a happy face on.
It comes out of your pores, the only people who can get away with faking it are sociopaths

I’m sorry OP but there’s nothing here to save. It’s time to put your needs and wants first. You can divorce but commit to being good co-parents.

You can’t get over something that is ongoing, and will continue to happen every time this pathetic man-child is a bit bored, or wants an ego stroke, or an escape from the boring reality of married parenthood.

He doesn’t want a life with her, BUT He doesn’t want one with you either. He wants a bit of both, and you are showing him that he can have it.

What would you say to either of your girls if they came to you in 15 years time with the same problem?

OP, I'll give you the other side. I grew up in a house where it was clear my parents no longer loved each other (separate bedrooms, little to no talking or interaction). They didn't divorce, but they weren't married. My father had numerous OW, and my mom just turned a blind eye. The last OW he had even called and sometimes had to speak to my mom to get to my dad (the days before mobile phones!). My mom knew my dad wasn't faithful, but they stayed together because divorce wasn't really done in those days + they thought it was better for us kids. It wasn't. It was awful. My siblings and I often talk about how much better it would have been if they had split up.

You said you don't want to lose your H. But you already have. You lost him a long time ago. Prolonging this "relationship" can be just as damaging for your DC, if not more so, than staying together and trying to make it work. Your DC are not having a happy family life, even if all of you are living under the same roof.

OP, you deserve so much more than this.
I admire you for trying to save your marriage for your DD’s sake but it sounds as though only you are trying to make this marriage work. His promises are nothing but lies. Repeatedly going back to OW proves that.
I agree divorce can be damaging for children but living in such a toxic environment can’t be any better. Would you accept this type of behaviour towards your own daughters in 20 years time?! If you wouldn’t be happy with your daughters being treated the way you are than why is it good enough for you? Teach them by example. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Any short term pain will have long term gains. Don’t let him treat you this way. You have not driven him back to this woman. Don’t blame yourself

The affair has not ended! He goes back to her, he seeks her out, every time you get mad.

He slept with someone else, you have every right to be mad yet when you are he goes back to her!

If this is how you want your life to be for the next 20 years until the kids leave home, carry on. They won’t thank you for it, and then what? He leaves anyway? He has another affair? Please, please realise your self worth and kick him out. He is not sorry enough to stop contacting her. He doesn’t care enough about your pain to stop contacting her.

Six times. Six. Where is your line?

Why would you trust somebody who is continuously pro bing they are untrustworthy?

How does he make your life better?

How does being committed to him make you a better person?

What makes him the best person for you to spend the the best of your life over to the exclusion of all others?

this really isn't a marriage. You don't deserve to be treated like this, but the sad truth is that as long as you continue to let this happen then the longer it will go on.

You need to leave him, this relationship was destroyed a long time ago. Bless you, youre trying everything you can to make to try and make this marriage something that it isn't; having sex with him. That would make me feel a little bit sick if I was in your position.

I really feel for you. I want to leave my current relationship but feel I don't want to at the same time as Im a child of divorce and it affected me. However, as much as I should practice what I preach, you need to put yourself and your DCs first and start afresh.

Otherwise youre probably going to be miserable for the rest of your life xxxxx

She is sat just waiting for him to leave OP.... she knows she has the upper hand.. it's her he's thinking about during Sex.. it's her he seeks out when he's glum... it's her he truly wants.. he's just not able to cope with the responsibility of the Family falling apart because of his affair...

this man is a DICK

OP I’m sorry you’re being put through this, you keep asking if it’s possible to trust him again, but his infidelity is ongoing, he is repeatedly showing you what a terrible person he is, he isn’t trying to prove that he is trustworthy and is taking no steps to make sure he doesn’t feel entitled to fuck mistresses again. Quite the opposite. Turning on the tears and faking sincerity has worked for the past seven affairs, he gets to fuck mistresses and also keep up his charade of ‘wonderful father/husband’ and get his laundry done and sex from you as well.

Trust me, even if you think the children can’t hear you fighting or don’t know what’s happening, they will pick up on and be affected by the atmosphere, the way you interact, the contempt he is treating you with. They will be changing their behaviour to protect you, to be ‘better’ so that you be happy, so you don’t have to worry about them, they’ll be absorbing all of this toxic mess and using it as their blueprint for their futures.

Also, please get an STD test, this dirty lowlife could be spreading all sorts.

My love. I’m all for trying to forgive but this man is not sorry. Do not be fooled by his words, watch his actions. He wants two women at once and you are letting him. I know it’s so so hard and you adore him and this was not what you wanted for your life but can you really let this go on? What are your daughters learning about what they should put up with? Take back your power and leave him. Read Chumplady.com, sorry is as sorry DOES!

HOW DARE HE

Not only can you be as angry as you like for as long as you need, how the fuck are you supposed to stop being angry when he keeps fucking doing it!!

Have my most emphatic LTB

Sorry, this is bollox.
He comes crawling back when you discover once agin he has gone back to the OW.
He plays the very plausible "I love my daughters" card. but if he really loved them he would stop putting his dick into the younger new model.
Please don't tell me he hasn't, or isn't contacting her, he is, & has another phone somewhere, or whatever system for hiding his chatting. (snapchat, instagram ?)
And of course he is begging & crying. you are his "vache à lait" i.e., you are the provider.
the OW isn't going to keep him is she ?
so:
Yes, she doesn't get on his case
Yes she is younger with all that may go with it.
No she won't pay his bills.
Yes this is hurting you
Yes you love him ( or the memory of him as he was before.)
No he doesn't love you
Yes he is sloping along with this situation as it is comfortable...
Yes it will absolutely happen again

Please rip off the plaster, it is agony, but saves the long term pain
Kick this idiot out

If you had booted his arse out 18 months ago you'd have been over it by now.
It's so much easier to split up than it is to stay with a cheat.
It will hurt for a bit (in your case maybe not as long) but that at least goes away eventually rather than this sad painful life you have now.
I know you don't want to "let her have him" but Judy do it.
Their magic love affair will seem less do once the realities of life kick in and they are arguing over emptying bins, or farting in their sleep.
My exs ow has a hideous life now with him and he's had affairs too.
Just do it, enough is enough.

I am blown away by everyone's replies... thank you.

In response to some of the questions... which are helping me to figure out why I want to stay too... or why I should be leaving...

The OW works in a shop near us and lives in a flat about 5 mins away so she isn't going anywhere.. she will always be present.

While it is clear that she hasn't been the one doing the 'chasing', from their messages she seems to 'love' him too... in a sort of worshipping way. She boosts his ego whenever he is feeling down... and thinks he is flawless.... the cool handsome writer who called her his 'muse'. that makes me sick too.. how stupid is she and how lovesick does that make him sound. His muse for what? he hasn't written anything worthwhile for years. They think they are 'soulmates' though... or in the last messages I found some total rubbish about being twin flames whatever that even means.

I don't think he does actually love her though... but loves the way she makes him feel... and that's why I keep thinking if I can make him feel like that then there's no reason fro him to go back to her. But I don't know about this... they've had 18 months of telling each other intensely how much they love each other... which he has been honest about even though I wish he hadn't. One of the messages I saw early on he's even written that if he weren't married he'd be with her 'in a heartbeat'... feel so sad writing that. It's brought back memories of that whole exchange I found.

Someone else made the point that he has probably told her he is only staying with me for the kids and that I'm a dragon... I'm sure he has but that isn't reality... I've only become dragonlike since the affair and his subsequent behaviour. Because the reality is that we were so happily married... I have forgiven him because I... and he... know that the affair is a stupid twisted bubble and he says it was a form of escapism for him.

Why would I trust somebody who is continuously proving they are untrustworthy?

I don't trust him at all, but this is what I was hoping to restore.... but reading all of these posts its becoming clear that he hasn't done anything to earn my trust and now I think it might permenetly be broken. And even when they do try to earn trust it seems like once it's broken, it's pretty much gone for good.

How does he make my life better?

He has always been amazing at home as I work FT... He is an active brilliant dad and the girls adore him... he is affectionate and kind towards me.. well, was... and he makes our home feel warm if that makes sense... When he isn't at home... it feels lonely without him... he makes dinner.. used to do small things like bring me the papers and tea in bed on a sunday when the girls were small and he'd play with them so I could have a lie in... lots of things... He used to be able to make me laugh.. though not in the last 18 months... I am attracted to him physically even after all these years. Our extended families are all part of each other's lives and we have been together forever... it feels like too much to throw away. But when he says he loves me... I don't trust it because he's been saying the same thing to her for the last 2 years..

Some else made the point about me being dependant on him emotionally.... I am and that's what I thought everyone who was married was like... emotionally dependant on each other but it seems not.

How does being committed to him make me a better person?

This is really hard... at the moment committing to him makes me feel weak... worthless and generally awful and angry. I'm not a better person.... which is the bit I'm trying to balance against the fact I still love him and I want what's best for my girls.

What makes him the best person for me to spend the rest of my life over to the exclusion of all others?

I don't really know... I think that I have spent so long with him and feel comfortable and we have children.. and I can't imagine having what we have had for nearly 20 years with anyone else ever. I'm not 20 anymore and I'm not a size 8 anymore. My life with him is the only life I had ever imagined and it's very difficult processing that the life we had is over.... and that now he is a different man to the one I married and chose to have a family with.

I have spoken to my friends about this and they were all so supportive at the beginning, but after the 2nd, 3rd return to OW their views are pretty firm on what I should do... and I haven't even told them about the last couple of times. None of my closest friends have ever particularly liked him either... they've always been OK with him... but never really got on with him... which has made telling them harder.

They can't really see why I was with him in the first place and certainly can't now.... in fact... I'm not sure why I am either.

I also can't stand the thought of him leaving for me for someone half my age... especially when she is so slim and attractive... she hasn't weathered real life... children, ageing parents, working in a demanding job full time. Of course she has dewy skin and bouncy hair. This is what makes me so angry too... the cliché of it all. That he is probably always comparing me to her... of course she will always seem like the better more fun option.

he said again this morning that he knows it wasn't real and that he doesn't love her... that I'm his wife and he has chosen me. But even if he leaves for her... or I decide to stay with him... i'll always be comparing myself to her which is really depressing too.

Your husband is a cunt. HTH.

I absolutely cannot get into my head why you think that staying in this ridiculous “marriage” is better than not! Because you “love” him?! This isn’t love, this is an addiction that you don’t want to break!
Don’t you want to show your kids a better life at home? You say you can’t do it to them as you rem what it was like when you were them and your parents situation but the way you are behaving and arguing with your husband must be having a huge impact on them surely?!
You can’t stay with him because you don’t want to lose him to someone younger and slimmer than him.....please find some self respect. This is no way to live. It’s a totally toxic game

If you keep yourself tied to this man — a writer who doesn’t write, even with a dewy new muse, a husband who is no partner, a father who’s happy to destroy his children’s home so he can shag a teenage shop girl — you’re missing out on all the men who will think you are sexy and funny and clever. They’re out there.