18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

That’s so true, about the spark going, I saw that in my uncle. He left my aunt for a much younger woman, very pretty. However he’d sold his soul - if that doesn’t sound too dramatic. It was based on ego for him, and only based on money and status for her. He’s not half the man he used to be, he had such potential, full of life, ambition, funny, charismatic. However now he’s become a small minded little person, restricted life, grumpy, penniless.

There’s a cost to your husband, it just hasn’t hit him yet.

I also don’t buy the argument that it is the non cheating non lying partners fault in ANY way. Although once I think I probably did think cheating mostly happened in unhappy marriages. I know from my and others experience that’s not the case at all. I was so much more appreciative, supportive and good to my Ex than he was to me. We had a really amazing sex life too. In fact it seemed to be at our happiest that he cheated the most. It was entitlement.

Now looking back I think I could feel his distance and that’s why I was so good to him, unconsciously doing the pick me dance.

OP you sound like me. I was unable to think - this is it. Marriage over. However again I urge you to physically separate even if it is temporary. He’s actively still cheating and that is desperately horrible and damaging for your family. Your kids need to be out of this atmosphere for a while. There needs to be some calm, peace in your household to gain perspective. Which means he must move out for a while. A loooong while.

Wow OK, I've come to this late but want to say you are so incredibly brave. The utter heartbreak you are experiencing must be crippling.

If it helps in any way this happened to my mum when I was 14 and it rocked my whole family. 8 years later i am very happy and my mum and sister are my best friends. My mum cried a lot over my dad and now she is an utter rock .. she is an incredible woman, in a new relationship, and cared not a jot for her ex of 20 years, my dad. She is in a wonderful new relationship with a lovely man who is kind and patient with me and especially my sister. I admire my mother immeasurably.
I have a decent relationship with my dad, even though he didn't see me for 8 months after the affair. Also be thinks we don't know that his new wife was the Ow .. we do. We tolerate her but within us is rage against her . ..so never worry that your daughters will love her.
It's different when the step mum happens after divorce of course but an OW-stepmum will never ever come close to you in your daughters eyes in terms of love and respect.
My mum and sister are my world. You will all get through this.

I think that despite everything he says to you, the tears and sorrys, his behaviour doesn’t change. Look at his actions not his words.

^^ This ^^
So very true.

At the moment you're very useful to him for financially.... and it feeds his ego knowing 2 women (one being his wife) have their lives on hold for him and are in a state of limbo.

He has to know you love him way more than he does you, because there's no other reason you'd still be with him after an affair and 6 ddays.

There was a woman in your position and it took 10 ddays for her to leave. Her H wasn't going to do it. He was happy having a wife and a GF. He had a wife and 2 DC... presenting himself as a respectable family man... but couldn't break it off with her.

The affair was first discovered during a family holiday... she discovered a few months later it was still on. She was furious and wanted to call the OW ... the next thing her H said floored me. He said...

"Don't call her now as she's on holiday and you'll ruin it. How can you be so mean?"

He was protecting the OW.. not his wife... and she stayed for 18 months and a further 8 ddays.

A total waste of time she realised in the end. I think you'll feel the same in time.

I totally get fighting for the marriage, ..especially where DC are concerned... but honestly... you must be prepared to lose your marriage to save it.

His vows to love and protect You, honour and cherish you are long gone.

It's a sad realisation. It's painful and hurtful... but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

You're a strong woman... you must see it...because it must take a lot of strength to be with him after what he's done. I certainly couldn't do it.

Snicket, that is a lovely tribute to your Mum.

How are things today op after the chat with dh

In his time apart from me... a mere 8 days... he has confessed to messaging her and seeing her once... but nothing happened he says.

Apparently he "adores her" and how she makes him feel.

I am always... in his words... "either angry or trying too hard to play happy families". I asked for examples... this is truly special... "like when you hug me or stroke my hair it's irritating" and I am apparently "always there" making him feel "suffocated"... Of course I'm always in my own home... except for when I work 40 hours a week and commute an hour each way a day.

I asked why he never told me this before and his response... "I didn't want to hurt your feelings".

I can't win no matter what I do.

Yet he doesn't want to leave our marriage... Heaven forbid he is the bad guy who divorced his wife and left for another woman. He wants me to do it for him... the narrative is just so much better that way isn't it.. he made a mistake and I kicked him out.

She can have him because I have had enough.

Yep, how kind and thoughtful of him not to want to hurt your feelings. He's just great.

In nearly 20 years I can't remember him ever saying he "adores" me.

Him telling her loves her in all the messages I saw was heartbreaking... but the word love is thrown around for everything... he "loves" tennis... he "loves" certain cars... he "loves" various authors... its just a word that's overused and I almost got over it...

but him adoring her... It's like being stabbed in the heart.

I think we can edit that down to “he adores how she makes him feel”. I doubt he’s actually interested in her at all, she’s just the mirror in which he likes to admire his own reflection.

Op you will get through this. You sound ace and you will look back on this and think “what the fuck was I trying to keep working at”.....very soon it’ll be like a switch turns on and you’ll suddenly just be out of this hideous fog

You can do this and you will x

And he “he didn’t want to hurt your feelings”? Words fail me. The man is an utter narcissist. As for looking like the bad guy, I guarantee your friends are wondering why you’ve indulged him for so long.

He doesn’t have a wide vocabulary for an author, does he?

Agree about the looking back and seeing it all differently.

My ex was head over heels in love with his OW, too. It's all about ego. An exciting new young woman still falling for you - seeing the man in you, not the dad. No ties, ready to go out and travel the world like you did when you were a bachelor. The start of a relationship - always exciting - is drawn out and lengthened because you can't see each other often. No long-term relationship is ever going to feel as thrilling. Your wife represents the four walls of your home and of course it feels restrictive.

This dissatisfaction (which he will of course decide has gone on for ages, is your fault and explains the affair) is all about you getting in the way of his bit of fun.

What amazes me is how lacking in self-awareness these men are. It really is all about their egos being stroked.

👆🏻what schnitzel said.

Let him have his "freedom".

That "adores her" comment was the tipping point for you.

I'm sorry he turned out to be such a huge disappointment to you and you DDs. You can't rewrite what's happened but you can choose not to be part of this tangled web from now on. I wish you the best.

I haven't posted before but have been reading. You are worth so much more. It might not seem like it now but you will be happy again. You will be loved and appreciated.

He 'adores' her now. But that relationship could well go the same way. Especially if she can't keep him in the style he is accustomed!

Let him go. Don't give him the narrative that you kicked him out. Tell him that if he is that unhappy with you and your life then you will let him go. You have a choice. And you are choosing you. He may not but you can.

Ahhh... the re-writing history begins.
Don't listen to all that shit.
It's said to make himself feel better about his own behaviour.
ALL cheaters to it!
I'm so glad you are done.
Make sure you tell everyone why you've ended it.
Ensure you make him the bad guy as early on as possible.

As for the crying..... I know you don't want to hear it but it can go on a long time.
Mine was months. And I still think about it now and well up and my marriage ended 8+ years ago.
It took a good year to get back to 'myself'
But you do get there.
Slowly but surely.
With love and support around you.

Good, I am so so glad you have done it.
It will take time to heal, but finally, you know you will be better.
he will probably get disenchanted rapidly, please don't have hime back.
He will almost certainly go for your wallet now,

@User0811 Yep the re-writing of history is officially underway! Because he's a writer(used to be, back in the day) the re-writing should play to his strengths! Show him The Script op! Tell him the book has already been written so he can't write it! It won't be his own work! You're so better off without him, he's a sad loser. We're all standing here cheering you on because we've been in your shoes and 'they ain't all that!'

Tell him you love him so much you just want him to be poor but happy. Clearly she is his soul mate, his destiny... you just can’t let him suffer another minute in your house. Maybe tell her, too. Then sit back and enjoy as the fantasy sours.

You do need legal advice urgently though OP. Others will know better than me but if you’ve been supporting him and he’s been at home he might claim to have been the main carer for your children (another reason to get him out of the house pronto).

Good on you for giving him another chance and for trying to give your DC a stable home. But I wouldn’t have given him a second chance, as for him returning to OW 6times, I’d slaughter him. Don’t stay in such a shit relationship for the sake of your kids, a toxic relationship is worse than no relationship.

Fucking hell. Your affection 'suffocated' him. But if you hadn't shown any, you would have been 'cold and unfeeling'... your affection only irritated him because he'd already mentally moved on.

Let OW stroke his (thinning) hair. See how long the adoration lasts when the cold winds of real life start blasting through their relationship.

Ugh. Bye bye, shitbag. Enjoy your relationship which nobody you know will ever support, sponging off the OW, and limited access to your kids.

Bless you! but what are you doing??? Your head is so cloudy and you are slowly but surely going to make yourself very ill. My ex husband had an affair - I called his bluff in the end. I hated him for what he did to me then as I took my vows very seriously. But I knew I was not strong enough to forgive him and knew I was not strong enough to not throw it back in his face or ever trust him again... as hard as it was ...that was it for me...I still hate him today over 10 years on for the way he treated me. but we never had children.... If he is so blazen about running back to her in these early days - you will never have peace of mind.....he will always do it because he can....only in future he will probably try harder to conceal it from you. Even if you tell him to cut all ties with this woman - what sort of relationship will you have if you can't ever trust him? I think you know all the answers to your questions but nothing excuses how he has treated you. Look to a new life for you and the kids but draw the line underneath him.Let her have him full time ... see how long they last... make the decision for him.... otherwise he will continue to have his cake and eat it I think.....Give yourself time to think at least... ask him to life somewhere else to give you time to think... he can still see the children.... but you must be very honest with yourself.... you may NEVER be able to forgive and forget - that's no life is it?

Heaven forbid he is the bad guy who divorced his wife and left for another woman.
He is the bad guy who deceived his wife and went back to the OW repeatedly, while lying about it.
Make sure everyone knows that.

if you’ve been supporting him and he’s been at home he might claim to have been the main carer for your children
Definitely check out the position on that.

This is a really rotten situation for you, OP, but I'm so glad you've seen through him. Whatever you have to go through now will come to an end, so much better than being stuck with a lying cheat for the rest of your life.

He is a lost cause OP, and he'll never be honest or rational about what's happened.

The sooner he leaves, the better it will be for your mental health.

He provides childcare while you work. I understand why this is really difficult for you to tackle this. If I were you I'd try and get this sorted first. Can your hours be flexible for a while? Start reaching out now and finding out about brilliant childminders in your area.

Once this massive hurdle is crossed I think you'll be able to think clearer.