18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

yet he doesn't want to leave our marriage.

OK, what DOES he want, then? He seems to want you to shut up, his OW to wait in the wings for his crumbs of affection - none of it is sustainable, long term. Does he really have no plan, going forward, other than him continuing to live his cushy lifestyle and you keeping quiet for fear of driving him to OW?

He's really not thought this through, has he?

OP, I promise you that, one day, you will look back and think "why did I waste so much time on such a pathetic, narcissist loser?"

The sooner he goes, the sooner you can get better and YOU WILL.

It's been 14 months for me and every day I can feel the clouds parting a little more. Even though I'm stuck in the same house with my ex for the moment, I don't care any more. I'm free. And you will be too.

Why doesn’t he want to leave the marriage? I find his logic baffling. Is it because it’s comfortable? Or as you said he doesn’t want to be the bad guy and would prefer to paint himself as the victim.

He is taking zero responsibility for this. What a fucking twat.

well he'll have to earn a living first & foremost & not waft about being a wannabe author.
It sounds like it might be a hard sharp shock having to learn to live as a mortal.

god that cunt is an epic coward
fucking hell. he's probably telling her he desperately wants to be with her, but it's so hard to leave.
he literally cannot make his mind up. he will just go with which ever of you sticks with him the longest

and hope that you both do. caring about neither of you

My ex didn't want to be the one to break up the marriage either. Like you, OP, I think it is definitely a case of not wanting to be the baddie. Mine recently started crying about how bad he feels about breaking up our marriage. I told him not to feel bad about that as I was perfectly fine with not being married to him and was enjoying the chance to try out some new boyfriends. He looked a bit confused about whether to be comforted by that or not!

He still doesn't seem to get it that one reason I'm happy without him is his shitty respectless behaviour and failure to apologise or show any remorse about that. (His remorse is all about his image being tarnished.) Once you manage to sort out who exactly it is who has been acting thoughtlessly, and develop some justified anger, in some ways it is actually helpful if they were horrible, because you really have no regrets about them leaving. I have not for one moment wished he would come back, remembering how coldly he talked about me and the kids.

I would be putting his possessions in a bin bag and changing the locks the very minute he next walks out of the door!

Why not have a word with the OW? To find out what he's been telling her, apart from the lovelorn drivel, that is.

Didnt want to read and run as this happened to me over 205 years ago...you ask:
1 how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?
One year was a good healer and a good time span to aim for. It's like a death you see, and you have to get through all anniversaries

2 how long before you stopped being so angry? Again about 18 months, although I have moved on and just settled with a great man. But even now, an incident will remind me of something and I fleetingly become angry

3 If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH? No, I will never trust him with my feelings ever, but with regards to maintenence and the children yes I did/do trust him

It is good to maintain a noble silence about him to the children - its not their argument or failure

Good luck

How can you be with him he is clearly in love with someone else?
What sort of image are you Portraying to your daughters? That it's okay to be treated like shit and repeatedly cheated on?
You are in an unhappy awful situation so big hugs but at the same time you need to really think about the effects of being in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship will do you to and your children long term.

Rtft, Sazzie.

It's time let him go to her and be done. You laying down and accepting this will destroy your heart and soul.

Remove yourself as an option. Get yourself out of infidelity.

He will just keep losing respect for you every day this drags on.

What would you tell your DDs to do on this situation?

This might help you...

I’ve given my heart to someone who has not honored that gift and I realise this relationship does not serve either of us. Please give me the courage and strength to end this relationship gracefully. Help me to heal and move on with my life so that I may open the door to new happiness

OP this is the first time I've posted but I have to say I'm in a very very similar situation, except with my DH it has been 3 affairs not just one. Like you I wanted to be able to keep the family together and (thought) I loved him. I wanted to do anything not to put our DC through a divorce, and desperately wanted us to repair. Recently we had reconciled after a separation during the summer where I actually started moving on, then as soon as I let him go of course he realised what he lost said everything I had wanted him to etc etc and we got back together. Fast forward 3 months we have a row because he was away and my insecurities got the better of me and like you I got angry and accused him of things. He came back and said he didn't want to do this anymore he was tired of being monitored or spied on when he wasn't doing anything (wasn't for a few weeks anyway) he doesn't love me the way he should (I've heard this a lot and it is always a killer, however I think he just refuses to acknowledge that the intense feelings he has in his affairs won't last either!) Anyway within 24hrs of this row/split he was back to seeing latest OW. It has taken a lot to get here but I finally think there are people who won't change no matter how much we want them to and I don't want to still be here in a year. So I completely understand how hard this is, but know that reading your posts and the massive amount of response is making me realise there is no going back. Hope everything turns out better for you in the future I'm sure it will

Thank you everyone... I am so grateful for the support that you’ve given me over the last few weeks.
I just can’t get over how many of us have gone through... or are still going though this misery.

It’s so depressing though... that 20 years means absolutely nothing to him.

Jmc... you’re right and there’s just no going back is there... not after all this time... all the lies and that at the slightest argument he’s running back to OW.

I have spoken to her a few times and she has messaged me at various points over the last 18 months apologising and swearing she never intended to hurt me... and that she has told him lots of times to return to his family.... he said this is true and that they’ve both “tried so hard”

I obviously hate her but it’s him I’m so disappointed in... running back to her and chasing her over and over again at the slightest row.

I don’t want to and won’t live in fear of him running to her for the rest of my life.

Ravenmum... I know what you mean about how coldly DH talks about you to her. Messages about how he i have “starved” him of affection... not true. How we don’t share the same bed... not true. How we are only together for the children and if he were single he’d be with her in a heartbeat.

All of this is just too much... I almost feel a sense of relief... I think that’s what I’m feeling... for both myself and my girls. I don’t want to hold him back from having his perfect life... I just always thought it would be with us.

I know one day he will regret it all... I hope that by then I’m strong enough and happy enough not to care.

Op she is 19 years younger and hes skint ? Sorry I haven't had time to read 14 pages of comments. It won't last it will fizzle out and he will be alone and you will move on another selfish cheat who needs his dick and ego stroked she will grow tired of him.

Tin hat and armour on OP - I know it feels like you are losing him because you have this deep sense of loss and longing inside you but actually we know it's you grieving normally for the end of your relationship.

You can't really lose him - we can't lose people - they never belong to us in the first place.

It's time to let go. If he is meant to be with you he will - if he isn't that's because there is something else - something better for you - and all the time you hang on here you are preventing that from happening. Imagine how many possibilities there are out there in the world that are just there waiting for you - but you have to move forward and out through the new door to reach them.

He's not moving on and into a perfect life either. It's not like you and him have the crap and anyone else and him live the high life. It's not black and white like that. There is no need to beat yourself up any more for thinking you are the loser.

Be the winner. Hold your head high and make some positive decisions for YOU. Because you need to love yourself first. You are good enough. You are lovable. You are wonderful enough to put yourself first.

Read 'From Stress To Stillness' to change your thinking and find the way to your own happiness. One day you will look back and realise how much this took out of you when it didn't really need to.

This time though you didn't argue, you took yourself off for a time to think & repair your hurting heart, he was in constant contact with her, & still went to see her & (you can be sure he is minimising.)
He lies. He lies to her. He lies to you.
You can't fix this, & you can't live with him doing what he is doing, & he has no intention of stopping, he just doesn't want to feel guilt re DC & actually let go of the purse.
Its not enough for you.
Stop this now

Has he got no self respect as a man? His first thoughts should be for the children. I'd be bloody furious forever.

You need to tell him you aren't standing in his way and want him to be happy, so he should go to her.

As much as you love him, you love yourself (or you need to love yourself more) and cannot/ will not continue to live this way.

He's being a very poor example of a husband and a father right now. His behaviour right now is basically a form of abuse.

It stops when you say so.

I'm sure I posted the 180 earlier in the thread. That's what you need to do. You need it to gain strength and emotionally detach from him.

Every day you go through this, I'd another twist of the knife.

You don't have to file for divorce immediately...but you do need to let him know it's over... then deal with it in the new year.

I remember speaking to someone in your position...I told her to ask her H what he'd say if a man did this to his DD.

He said he'd tell DD to have some self respect and kick him out of course .. then she said .. but you're doing that to me.

His response? "Its your fault for putting up with it and you let me do it."

By not taking a stand, you cine over as weak and the imbalance is do evident.

And the OWs in this situation will often tell me .. "His wife knows about us. She knows he loves me and is only there for the kids." They are just annoyed the MM won't make a decision to leave and are surprised and also annoyed that his wife won't kick him out do that she comes to her.

I usually say.. if you can't let go of him...imagine years if history and kids together. His wife is clinging on just like you are.

In the end...nobody wins. MM comes out with a wife and GF in competition for his love.

Don't allow yourself to be yreat ed this way any longer

how i have “starved” him of affection... not true. How we don’t share the same bed... not true. How we are only together for the children

So he's been telling lies to the OW, giving her a completely false picture of your marriage, yet she hasn't been contacting him.
He's the one who has been contacting her, every time he feels a bit miffed.

It may help you to hate the OW, but it looks like she's not the one most to blame.

It's so sad that your H turned out to be a much lesser man than you thought.

It's very hard, OP, I really do feel for you.
But you are doing the right thing.

He is an epic liar and liars like that don't change. You don't want to live the rest of the your life doubting your reality, it will break you.

Let this selfish, pathetic, coward go and start to heal.

Funny kind of adoration that involves lying through your teeth. TBH if he makes all the running and they go long periods without contact, the OW might only be in it for the ego boost. Time to call both their bluffs by throwing him out.

He has openly said he is in love with the ow tell him to go and be with her then u deserve someone who loves you and doesn’t just see u as a meal ticket

how are you doing OP