18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

We are generally not arguing in front of the girls.... In the early days after discovery we did but have stopped and both try and be as normal as possible in front of them.... I have been very snappy and mad but it doesn't turn into an argument in front of them.

And don’t think of it as him leaving you for someone half his age. You’d be leaving him - because he isn’t good enough for you.

Oh OP, this is a heartbreaking situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s treating you so terribly, shame on him.

Please draw the courage to leave him. You’d say the same to your friends / daughters I’m sure. And don’t let him cry his way back. You can’t trust this anymore.

schnitzel your post has me fighting back my tears on the way into work... but that is the raw truth.

I also can't stand the thought of him leaving for me for someone half my age...
To put it flippantly - but really - surely it would be worse if he was leaving you for someone twice your age? At least this way you can blame it on his hormones and her naivety. (I certainly do!)

Whatever you decide to do, at least separate for some time so you can gain clarity and perspective. He also needs to feel the consequences of his actions.
I’m truly sorry you are dealing with this. You sound like a very committed Wife and he is a fool to treat you and your daughters this way. You do need to stop thinking of the future you thought you two would have. He’s destroyed that. It’s gone. No matter if you work it out or not it won’t be what you envisaged. You will never trust him again, not in the way you did before discovering his infidelity.
I hope you find the strength to take some control back and ensure you are treated with the respect you deserve!! And please stop justifying his behaviour by saying you’ve aged etc and she’s young with dewy skin etc etc. Decent men don’t betray their wives for some ego boost. Good luck OP!

That still doesn’t make it ok! Please find the strength to make this better for you and the kids.....kick him to touch. This is irreparable x

Also, twin flame? Does he write for Mills & Boon?

ravenmum... very true... tears in my eyes and even managed to muster a smile!

I've been through this as a child... being shuttled around between parents who fought like crazy.

As opposed to two parents who live together and fight like crazy? What a horrible environment for your DD's. In addition, you are setting a terrible example to them. How would you feel if a man treated them like that?

You need to be brave, chuck him out and get a new life for yourself. Let's be honest, he would rather be with the OW. Let him go - you will find someone else, in time. Hopefully someone who loves and respects you, because he sure as shit doesn't.

twin flame text messages were when I realised I didn't recognise DH any more.... DH told her she was his soulmate and she said something stupid along lines of 'no we are twin flames we come from the same soul' or something. to which DH replied something sickening like she was his 'other half and he couldn't live without her'.

I've mostly blocked out these horrific memories... these hurt more than the sex ones I found... partly through him convincing me he didn't mean any of it and he was swept up in the moment.. but also because they make me go crazy and beyond furious when I do.

This is the fury that has driven him away.... but it's completely justifiable fury that I shouldn't have to hide.

If you really want him back, you have to kick him out. The allure of this young girl will soon fade when he's living in her tiny flat, unable to see his kids when he wants. It's the forbidden love aspect of it that is appealing to him ( and her). Let him go and I bet he'll come running back to you!

Exactly!
You have driven him to nothing. He’s done it all himself and then blamed you. That’s just downright cruel.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you're going through such a hideous time. Your DH is a complete and utter waste of space and you are too good for him.

My DH had an affair a few years ago. It was slightly different in that it wasn't emotional, just physical, and was a one time thing. BUT. The way in which my DH responded to the discovery and the following months of tension, talking and arguments was entirely different to your DH. From the very start, he told me I could talk about it as much as I needed to, we could repeat ourselves over and over and he didn't care, he would tell me everything I wanted to know as often as I needed to hear it. He told me he knew that staying was not the easy option, the easy option would have been to call it quits, and he was prepared to fight for me every step of the way and prove to me he was worth me staying for. He repeatedly told me he knew he had to earn my trust back and that he knew full well I had every right to have all the emotions I had. Not once did he ever go back to where the damage had been caused, he gave me full access to his phone, all his passwords etc and after a few weeks I didn't feel the need to check anything because I knew it was an ongoing arrangement and I had no reason to believe he was getting in touch with anyone else etc.

He took full responsibility and fully acknowledged he could have lost his family and that he broke my heart. He knew from the start he had stamped all over me and he had been the worst husband. He still behaves the same way, and I know that the infidelity actually has made and will continue to make us stronger in the long term. But this could have gone the opposite direction, had he responded differently. Your DH does not display any of these attitudes or behaviours, apparently. You say your fury has driven him away, but he should be accepting and acknowledging your fury and allowing you to feel that, and he should be proving himself to you with his words and his actions.

OP I think the answer to your question is that the anger will go away when you change your behavior.

I think perhaps part of the anger that keeps coming on top is with yourself. You've tried to talk over your actions of taking him back, keeping the family together etc. but this isn't really what you want to do.
So the anger keeps coming because you are angry with yourself for not doing what you really want to do. You might think it's selfish to want out and you are thinking of the stress and pain of everyone involved.

It's what women do. Men just think "I want this" and do it. Sometimes it's little things and sometimes big things.
And women cannot get their head around this - because how can you not consider others ?
And the anger then comes on top because you feel trapped and you don't want to be selfish (or what we think is selfish) and you're angry that you're not doing what you want, reacting how you feel, swallowing pride, justifying everything against your won wishes and gut feeling. It's like being trapped and forced to do something against your will. And so the anger grows rather than get get smaller. Your anger isn't just about the affair it's about everything since - so it won't go away until you change your reaction and this situation.

Lady... get a grip of your Dignity and Self Respect... this man is making a fool of you and I bet your entire town knows it ...

God those text messages make me feel soiled and I’ve never met the guy. She is young and I assume a bit dim but he’s got no excuse.

Has it occurred to you that he is also treating her badly? I’m not suggesting you should feel sorry for her but it’s a mark of the man that he claims to love two women and doesn’t behave honestly or decently with either of them. The only person he actually cares about is himself.

Honestly if you stay where you are, bitter and angry, one day it'll be you and him rattling around in a cold house and you will wonder why you wasted your life.

It was me who made the dragon comment - it's another form of betrayal to speak negatively about you to her, was my point.

This makes sad reading. How dare he tell you that you cannot be angry with him and his fantasy and to run back to her when reality hits.
You deserve so much better and your anger is completely justified.

And it is no surprise that he hasn't published a book for quite some time if those texts are anything to go by...

He says he has chosen me...

No. Just no. He doesn't get to choose. He should be on his knees begging you to choose him over a life free from doubt, worry and anger. How dare he tell you you shouldn't still be angry? Who the fuck dies he think he is?

You be angry, lady. You tell him exactly what you think if his spongeing ways (most of us writers have a day job too, we don't sit around waiting for our muses and living off someone else in the meantime).

You say your fury has driven him away, but the fury is fuelled by him returning to her time after time.
For God's sake, you are entitled to be feel hurt, betrayed, angry. you do not just throw a switch & say "OK, I've decided to forgive & trust him,
Ta-la-la, no more doubts, no more questions",
He isn't prepared to take the time for you to heal & grow back into trust, he just pops back to "Dewey".
Its such a stereotype, helped obviously by the fact he is SAHF, with time on his hands.
Plus the crying; Do you know anything at all about manipulators?

Tell him his twin flame can have him, & he can go at the speed of his racing heart into her nubile arms.

He assures me and swears he has 'chosen' me bc he loves me
Wow I missed this.
Well aren't you the lucky one!
Did you just win the booby PRIZE!!!
He really does think he's something truly special, doesn't he!??
Please show him he's not!

Bet her flat mates will be delighted when her jobless middle-aged twin flame moves in.

OP. Please leave him. He’s having his cake and eating it and his crocodile tears are bullshit.

You only get one life. Don’t live it like this