18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

I don't think you ever really come back from cheating. I had a really nice BF long, long ago. We briefly split up and he slept with our house mate, so technically not even cheating. I moved out, but kept shagging him so I'd poisoned any chance of him having a relationship with the housemate. Then I shagged someone he knew, because I knew this would be the one act that would get us back together. We then got back together for a further 6 years but we never really got over it. Trust isn't really something that comes back IME.

It's all pretty fatal damage. If you think of a relationship like a body, it can take a few body blows, but blows to the head cause lasting damage. Affairs are the equivalent of brain damage. (That's probably rather a poor taste analogy - apologies to anyone offended by it.)

you need to do one thing only in my opinion
And that's stop thinking about how he reacts, how he feels, what he wants, what you think he might want. Everything is about him currently. Everything
Start putting yourself first.

You seem deluded. And you are not listening.
He’s gone back 6 times. So, no wonder you can’t get over it. No wonder the anger is still there.

If he means it this time, he'll be able to cope with you getting angry, because he knows it's his fault and he has to work to earn your trust if he hopes to stay in the marriage.

You don't have to try not to be angry. He's done everything to deserve your anger.

'he says that after all this time I still shouldn't be so angry.'

• OP, I really, really feel for you. Your DH is a manipulative and emotionally abusive twat. Of course you should still be angry, it's not after 'all this time' is it? The affair is still going on. He is lying to you, having his cake and eating it. He is turning his dispicable behaviour on to you.

To give you some perspective, and I know I will probably come into criticism for this, but I have been the OW - if he is saying he loves her, he probably does (or believes he does). I actually went on to marry the man in question (we are still together 9 years later) and to make it clear, our circumstances were different to yours, but please do not believe that their affair is over - I know from experience how overwhelming I found my now DH'S persistence in establishing a relationship with me. Is she aware you exist? Has he made out you are a psychotic ex? He is probably telling her he is still at home for the children. I don't even know whether telling you this is relevant, but you come across as so low and completely blind to what he is doing - you are absolutely not in the wrong here.

Do you really want to spend your life kidding yourself he loves you when he clearly doesn't? Please find the strength to walk away.

So he sponges off you too.

What is it that you love about this man? Really.

User0811, you can retract the threat you made in anger. Apologise, say it was something you said in anger and that you want him to stay in touch with the kids.

Sounds like your parents' divorce was a nasty one, but if you do break up, yours doesn't have to be like that at all. I was raging and screaming at my ex before we broke up, but managed to shut my mouth in front of the kids, and encouraged them to meet up with their dad regularly, without me having to see him. As soon as he left, everyone kind of gave a sigh of relief, as finally the situation was clear. Now we are extremely civil; I'd hardly have believed it at first. Having a big birthday party here for youngest with all ex's family, as ex doesn't have the space. I will speak to him civilly then mentally cheer when he leaves.

I also arranged some counselling for our youngest, partly because of this and partly for his confidence problems. It's been really good. The other day he said to me that he feels like he actually knows his dad better now, because they have regular meet-ups together, whereas when he lived at home they spent far less time one on one.

As PPs say, you (and OW) are playing the Pick Me Dance, also “swallowing the shit sandwich”.

The sex thing is “hysterical bonding”.

You think he faced losing you because you threatened divorce and saw a SOL, but didn’t even ask him to leave or have any time at all apart? That is not logical.

Far more likely that he will continue the affair, or after a while start a new one, and blame you. He doesn’t respect you - he went to OW 6 times ffs! - and you, sadly, don’t respect yourself.

Had he truly wished to make it up to you, he would have accepted responsibility, stopped all contact with OW and been patient with your natural emotions, caused by his actions.

You shouldn’t have said that about impeding his parenting of / access to the DC and should take it back and make clear that you would share the parenting with him (assuming that apart from treating you so badly he’s otherwise been a decent parent).

He seems the kind of guy though who when it came to crunch time would not wish his working life to change so would only want to parent for one evening a week and EOW, leaving you with the bulk of the parenting and him free to work and run around with younger women before having more DC.

As for his tears about treating them the way your father left you - what about YOU!

Should you break up the DC should be told the basic truth: that it is because he had another gf.

I'm not deluded.. I'm trying to keep my family together but trying to determine whether others have got over their inability to trust their DH... and whether the anger ever subsides. Because I can't live like this forever... so angry and with so little trust.

I've been through this as a child... being shuttled around between parents who fought like crazy... my dad's horrible second wife (the OW) being forced to be part of my life as a teenager then his third my adult life.

I spent my teen years watching my mum battle depression after my dad left and the effect it had on her and me... then she remarried and now my dad regrets leaving us as it was 'the biggest mistake of his life' apparently. But he now has a further 3 children so it is what it is.

I love my DH like my mum loved my dad. And watching as he left her and the effect it had on her... I couldn't cope... and don't want my DDs to see that or grow up in the same environment I did... I'm trying to work out how long I keep trying for because I'm really fed up of going to bed angry and waking up angry and being angry the entire time between.

revenge I do know what I am talking about, thank you.

I said they need to have a sensible, adult discussion about what happens next. If the marriage is to stand any chance they both need to make an effort. That means him not seeing the OW, being very sorry, making a huge effort, and it means the OP tries to control her anger when she is with him. She can vent to a 3rd party, like a counsellor. I suggested she saw a counsellor, alone, in my first post.
She is not wrong to be angry. I never said that. Read carefully.

It took years to really get over it. And that was with a man who really seemed to get just how badly he had fucked up and wanted to fix it. He never went back to OW, after the few weeks he still had to work with her at the end of term, he never had anything to do with her. He put up with my anger, and pain and hurtful comments again and again and again. Whenever I has a trigger he would be there to comfort me, he never retaliated against the cruel things I said. He was a bloody saint - as he should have been and as he had to be.

He also never criticised her or denied that he cared about her which hurt at the time but looking back I'd have had little respect for him if he did. It took a while for the infatuation to fade and I removed my wedding ring until he could honestly say he was no longer in love with her and then we bought a new one. It took a year!

I went to IC first and it was a lifesaver - it gave me the strength and self-respect to decide what I wanted to happen and then make it happen. MC came later when I was calmer and less likely to spit fire at him. MC was good then but earlier would have been pointless.

This time last year I can remember a day when a weight lifted from me - I realised I didn't give a stuff about his stupid little affair - it hurt, it was a shitty treacherous thing to do but it was nothing in the grand scheme of things. I could only say that because we had worked through it all together.

We are better together than we have ever been. I can now say for sure it was worth it but I guess I just wanted to say that HE is not worth your time any more. It's hard bloody work and it hurts so much to deal with the crap that has been handed to you even if your WS is all in. Yours isn't If you live in fear you can't reconcile. If you have to watch what you say you can't reconcile. If she is still waiting in the wings for you to drop the ball, you can't reconcile. Could you do it? Probably, but at what cost.

Your experience was awful, but yours and DDs might be different. You would have to cope, and you would. You need not have an antagonistic co parenting relationship with your ex.

If your MH became a problem whilst being a single parent you could seek help. (I have a MH issue and know it’s hard but one can function generally well as a parent with a MH issue).

You alone cannot “keep the family together” when your H is not committed (in his actions) to doing so.

Suppressing your feelings will take its toll on your mental health.

Your best chance of him staying and being kind and faithful would actually have been to boot him out when you found out. You could still do that: ask him to move out while you conside your options, making clear while you do, any further infidelity will mean permanent separation.

OP says she saw a counsellor and found this made her anger and hurt come to the fore.

OP the lesson your mum seems to have taught you is love at any price. Your mum went on to marry again- proof that she did get over your dad. Depression is not the only response to a break up- it depends on how people deal with it. If your entire being is invested in one other person and you fall apart when they leave, that is not a good life to have.

People fall in love with other people even when they are married. It happens every day.

I was jilted before my wedding, decades ago. I thought I'd never get over it. I did. You will get over this. But you need to start accepting that it may be over. You can't cling on to something that is dead, forever.

If your DH loves someone else, let him go. That is the way true love works. If he's happier with someone else wish him well. You can't choose who he loves.

You are not your mum. You don't have to follow her path of loss and depression. You can be strong and survive and teach your girls a good lesson for life. The lesson your mum taught you was that her identity was all bound up in a man.

Dozer- I think she said they had counselling together.

But op do you really think it's better to model to your dds this unhealthy relationship?

A divorce is what you make of it. You can't force their dad to be a decent person. By the sounds of it he isn't and wouldn't be whether you were with him or not. At least if you were divorced your dds would only be exposed to him 50% of the time. Likely less.

There's not a chance I'd have a man who barely earns still around after all this.

You know sometimes love isn't enough you stay together.

He doesn't even have the common sense to delete the messages.

You have a liar on your hands whichever way you look at it.

He says he didn't mean what he said to the OW ...that he loves her.

Then he says he loves you... but still betrays you over and over again. Even if he loves you ... I'd thud the kind of love you want.

Tell him that he can have joint custody in a split .... that you can work to coparent together. Try and get some space away to think without him.

Leave him with the girls at the weekend and stay with a friend or relative.

Tell me ... what consequences had he faced so far? Because they weren't enough to stop him going back another 6 times.

At a point ... You lose respect...Even if he devoted himself to you forever more...he's done to much danger sbd in thunk your marriage will be forever tainted and damaged.

If your okay with that for the sake of keeping marriage going... then lie on the bed you've made.

A good friend was VERY anti divorce having had bad experiences with divorced parents. After 8 years of marriage and her DH becoming emotionally abusive she LTB. And has been fine. DC are much happier too than when they witnessed his behaviour and her distress.

Honestly - it gets worse.
I despair - I really do!
You are teaching your DC a terrible lesson in relationships here.
Just read your last post again.
It's all I'm doing this
I''m trying to do that
I love him etc.....
Nothing on him and what he's trying to do.
Apart from realise now that his meal ticket has finally had enough and now he needs to cry like a baby to make you feel sorry for him.
Please wake up and smell the coffee!

Polly

She can vent to a 3rd party, like a counsellor.

Why can't she show him her anger? Why only vent to a third party?

I'm sorry but that isn't how it works. She can and should show him her anger. Him not being able to take it shows he's an unsafe partner.

The remorseful cheater doesn't get to hide from the pain or anger.

You can’t get over an affair he is still having.

It’s all crocodile tears, if he was genuinely sorry he wouldn’t go back to her every five minutes.

OP you need some self respect, he’s walking all over you. It’s time you called the shots and ended it. It’s also not a healthy example for your DCs. I don’t know why you think this is somehow better than divorce. Stop doing the pick me dance, you deserve better than the crumbs he throws at you.

Every time you post. It gets worse. What you tell us just gets worse. Your desperation. Your emotional damage from before.

The fact that you can’t even see. Despite lots of posts, you are still asking the same questions. How do you get over it. You don’t. Because it’s still ongoing. Not only did he do it 18 months ago. But he’s been back 6 times since. You can’t see this.

Of course you love your dh like your mum loved your dad OP. Sadly we tend to absorb ways of being, ways of behaving from our parents. So you have chosen a man who treats you as your dad treated your mum. And you see loving someone as being very dependent upon them for your emotional well being, just as she saw your dad as necessary to her well being. And your dcs will learn that that is what marriage is about too.

The only way you will move this and grow is if you want the cycle to change. Can you imagine a life where you are happy to be you, where you celebrate you, in all of your unique wonderfulness, without relying on him? It must be hard because you got together young, and you are only now questioning yourself. But you work, run a home, have 2 lovely children. Can you imagine a day when they turn to you and say how amazing you are because you were a strong woman, who looked after them, provided for them, stood up for what she believed, and who knew what she was worth?

If you want to be happy you need to try counselling to find you, and to value yourself, to see how utterly fabulous you are and then to decide whether he can win you back. The ball is in his court. In answer to your original question, how long does it take to forgive a cheat, the answer is as long as it takes him/her to convince you that they are utterly sorry, utterly willing to do anything to make you happy, utterly willing to do whatever you want them to, to prove to you that they understand how damaging their actions have been, including talking about it as often as you want, whenever you want, for your peace of mind.

I spent my teen years watching my mum battle depression after my dad left and the effect it had on her and me...
I suffered from moderate depression during and after my ex's selfish episode. It was because of his affair, not because he left me. And although I felt terrible at the time, it was also a very intense period of reflection and counselling on lots of things in my life, which has left me with a totally new attitude and feeling stronger and better than I did before it all started.

Your experience is unlikely to be the same as your mother's. Have you got any friends IRL who've been through similar? Anyone else you can talk to?

The affair didn't end 18 mths ago your H is keeping his OW on the back burner his spare woman. If you don't walk on eggshells she's back in his life replacing you so easily. Then crying because he doesn't want to lose his lifestyle.
He'll never truly give up his affair or further affairs if he doesn't ever feel the real impact of his behaviour.
He needs to see what life is like without your forgiveness and then you'll actually see how real or fake his tears are.
As for fearing repeating your parents divorce you have the benefit of hindsight you know how to not cope thru a divorce so can explore ways to ease you and your DDs into a new life of co-parenting. But ultimately it is up to him to be a proper father because he's failed the husband bit.
How many affairs is too many for you though? How many times can he run back to this woman make false promises and continue stamping on your love for him?