18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

This is ridiculous.

Your former husband is having an affair (former....because he chose to break your marriage contract by having an affair....ergo your existing marriage to him is dead).

You are appropriately angry at the deceit and betrayal.

You have tried to forgive him...but he has used this as an excuse to continue his pathetic behaviour.

In an attempt to shore up the edifice, you are "hysterical bonding" .

You have even tried blaming yourself for not being attractive enough (in which case, no marriage would ever survive because none of us are attractive 24/7)

Your fear of letting this "prize" go, is stopping you from seeing the wonderful prospect of a life with self-respect and independence.
A prize that is essential you win for the sake of your DC's self-concepts.

To sum up (in homage to AF who is generally succinct)

Let him go, he's absolutely not good enough for you.

Don't think it's helpful to be so emotional in these posts.
Or tell the OP her DH will destroy her.

OP you might find it helps to go for counselling on your own. Not to repair the marriage but to talk about yourself and what you want, and what makes you tick.

I've got friends where there have been affairs. Some have got over it quickly, others have divorced, others have had open marriages as a result. There is no one-size fits all answer. It's what works for you.

You are stuck in a push-pull relationship (read about that online.)

It's a game where you push and he runs. You then retract your anger and try to pull him back. The scenario has become predictable.

You have choices:
1.accept his affair, forgive him and muster all your strength to put it behind you- maybe having CBT or other therapy to work through it. Once he has 'freedom' from your anger, the OW ceases to be a safe place to run. Pull the rug from under him because he's using your anger as a reason to keep in contact with her. If you don't provide him with a reason to run- what next? Worth seeing what happens.

1. end your marriage. Sell the house, or move out and rent, whatever is affordable. Give him your blessing and tell him to move in with her. I doubt she wants a man 20 yrs older with children and a wife to provide for for another 10 years....

OP lots of posters talk about the effect on your children.

Are they aware of what is going on? Do they see and hear the rows? Do they know about it all?

What were the effects your parents' divorce had on you? Were they because of the divorce or because of the breakdown of their relationship?

What were the effects your parents' divorce had on you? Were they because of the divorce or because of the breakdown of their relationship?

I'm not surprised you are angry - who wouldn't be in this situation even without the added return to OW every few months.

My x left over 3 years ago and I'm still angry mainly because he is an arse and causing me untold difficulty still.

Was your marriage really that good beforehand or is that just how you think it was - I realise I was putting up with a lot for the "good of the family" only to get shafted when the x made his decision to leave for OW and I instigated divorce. His true colours came out then.

You are depressed because you haven't listened to what your body is telling you _ the anger is to protect you - to drive you to deal with what is attacking you - you haven't dealt with it - you try but you keep getting attacked - your attacker is wearing you down bit by bit - if he did decide to leave - you will be on the floor!

Personally i think it is his guilt that brings him back but then his ego takes over - I'm assuming if you get angry he starts saying you should be over this or I've tried so hard - and he can't take it any more - he ten has an excuse to leave and you end up feeling the one in the wrong.

The man you married has gone - I think you know this deep down - part of the depression _ it's shit fucking shit - you have put yourself through 18 months of additional torture and your Dds too but you need to force this one way or another.

If there is any chance of resurrecting this he needs to move out - what happens then is his choice - he will show you his intentions - if he goes to her he is weak - you may always love him _ but you will also despise what he has done to your family - how he has put you through hell and more significantly your daughters - and no doubt he knew what you felt about divorce generally yet he was still prepared to go through with his actions.

The love you think you feel for him is actually love you have in yourself - you have shown you can forgive him over and over again. You would be able to love someone again if it came to this but you will have huge trust issues.

He does not love you, he probably does not love OW either because deep down he hates himself - mid life crisis is a chance to grow up - you are being given the chance to reassess your life and put into place new beliefs to move you forward.

He fucked up big time - he thought it was all about just making his life better as so many do - but now you are being given the chance to make yours and your Dds life better. It won't feel like this no but your marriage is not working for a reason.

I am not out the other side yet but I can see that when all the shit is over my life and my kids will be better. We have all learnt huge lessons and will be better people for it.

I had the following stuck round the house

I tried my best for the sake of my family but it wasn't meant to be -

You need to keep telling yourself that you did everything you could - it was him that messed up

Good luck op x

I'm unbelievably angry again and struggling to deal with these replies... probably bc I'm supressing what him returning to her over again means.... sat in the car trying to find the daily happy brave face I have to put on before picking girls up.

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you! I completely agree with this and the long term effects on the children will probably be worse than a clean break IMO. It won't stop, it will only get worse and children need a happy, healthy stable mum. Sorry that you find your self in this situation. Either way it stinks, but you have the power to change things xx

I will say this. I have been on both sides of this. I have been cheated on and been the ow.
I will tell you now, no good will ever come of this for either of the women in this situation
You're both trauma bonding, only because he's got a comfy bed and a routine and his books on the shelf and his pants in the drawer, he's choosing you, currently. Only he isn't really. What he's doing is making NO CHOICE.
he wants you and her to decide for him

You really need to stop seeing this as a competition with her. you think they're going to walk off into the sunset and you'll be a broken person??
it just doesn't work like that

Staying with this man will damage your children more than separating.

I feel for you OP. Your DH does not care what he has done to you - he is using her as a weapon to get back at you.

You must separate for your own sanity ( yes I am talking from experience of my Ex H having an affair following us being married for 21yrs )

Make a pact with yourself tonight to tell him the marriage is over along with telling him you expect him to leave tonight and pay the bills to keep a roof over your dd heads. If you don't do this you could experience ill health then you will be no good to anyone.

My ex h tried to come back when he realised the grass was not any greener & I took the I did not take him back. You will find an inner strength to keep going for your dd's.

Best of luck to you all

Sorry this is all crashing over you, OP.
Take your time to think about it all and start to prioritise yourself and your DDs.

Sweetheart, you deserve so much better than this, my heart is broken for you.

Please understand that although you think he's reasonable, somehow, to go back to her over and over because you're angry, do you see that actually he is trying to blackmail you into shutting the fuck up and making him comfortable when HE is the one who fucked up so badly??

He is setting the clock back to zero every time he does this.
And blaming you for it!
He is devastating you. Please don't let this carry on. You must kick him out or he will completely destroy you!

But OP you CANT get over it because it’s STILL GOING ON.

I’m sorry to shout but you sound so lovely and yet so beaten down. He is lying to you. Please please show him you are worth more than this.

Well I’m firmly in the no coming back from cheating band, so probably not best placed to advice you.

But, if I were you and still wanting to ‘try’ it would be under these circumstances only.
He moves out, no ifs no buts he finds somewhere to stay so you can have space.
You re start counselling and look at some for yourself alone too.
He has absolutely no contact with the ow, he has to know that even a sideways glance at her and you’ll be starting divorce proceedings.
And that brings me to my final point, see a solicitor find out what you’d be intitled to if you divorce and make sure he knows it’s a serious possibility.

He needs to know exactly what he will lose and you need to know if he really wants to fight not to lose it.

I’m sorry you experienced it from the child’s side, but was it really your parents separating or the way it was dealt with? Looking back now, would you want either of your parents to put up with what you are? And what if it was your own dd’s, would you want them to put up with this?

I think some people here need a reality check. Noone can FORCE another person to leave their shared home no matter how bad their behaviour has been.

He will leave if he wants to. The OP cannot insist. If she has the financial means she could move out and rent but that's unlikely I assume.

OP- you need a dignified discussion with your husband. As I said before, you have choices. I don't go along with all the amateur psychology on some of the posts here.

Both of you need to start acting like adults. You both have a family. You need to set the bar higher. He needs to stop seeing the OW if he is serious about fixing your marriage. You need to control your emotions more. He is not RIGHT to bugger off and see her when you get angry, of course he's not. But equally, this was a short affair (I've known women and men have affairs for decades before they left or were found out.) That's not minimising your emotions, by the way. But you keep picking at the scab and he reacts (wrongly) as he does.

You BOTH need to change. You can't change him, only your own behaviour. By changing your behaviour, he will change.

If you feel you have reached your limits then you must steel yourself for divorce. That means deciding who leaves and who stays in the family home.

You need a sensible discussion maybe even with a Relate counsellor to act as a go between .

(Please stop this childish 'kick 'im out' posts. Real life doesn't work like that IME.)

Start taking control.

I think most of the kick him out posts are from people who have been through similar
They know that an 18 month affair which is still ongoing, where the wife is dancing the pick me dance so hard she's killing herself is not the way to go.
Perhaps if you spend some time apart you Might be able to think a little more clearly.
Then take it from there.
Or stay in your current situation, which is put up and shut up.

We're all adults here, Polly, and many of us know exactly how the end of a marriage works.

You can kick someone out of your marriage without physically making then leave.

But equally, this was a short affair (I've known women and men have affairs for decades before they left or were found out.) That's not minimising your emotions, by the way.

You are minimising actually and with the comment below.... You don't get it.

But you keep picking at the scab and he reacts (wrongly) as he does.

I will reply properly tonight but Emboo19... I was distraught after the last time... the sex messages and reading how much he loves her were too much... and I told him to leave.. I told him I would divorce him and followed up that week with a solicitor too so he knows I am deadly serious. He knows he could have lost me and that's why I think he means it this time... I have never seen him cry quite like he did that day... and he has cried a lot for forgiveness the last 18 months.

But I said something I wished I hadn't... that I would make sure he never saw the girls and that they would know what their dad has done. Now I have doubt about whether he is staying for me or our DDs.

The first discovery all he talked about was how he the girls are his life... and how he couldn't leave them and how he couldn't do to them what my dad did to me... which always stayed in the back of my mind. I said that and now I'll never know why he doesn't just leave if he 'loves' the OW so much. Whether he's just staying for DDs.

I am the only earner but our house is in joint names... I know this shouldn't matter but I also doubt whether he is staying for me or his lifestyle. He is a writer... who hasn't had any interest in anything he's written for a good number of years now... also explains how he found so much time for another woman while I was a work... working for OUR family. OW is so much younger and still lives with friends... his life if he left for her would mean they'd have absolutely nothing... he knows this.

He assures me and swears he has 'chosen' me bc he loves me.. not just because of DDs or any other reason.

but this all goes back to my trusting him question. Is it possible for trust to return? I want to trust him and he is showing remorse which seems genuine this time... but how much longer do I keep trying? I think some posts have helped to address this, thank you. I'm on my phone and will read properly tonight.

Polly, you don't know what you're talking about. You're also blaming the OP for her completely understandable anger and fragile mental state.

OP, I would urgently suggest some counselling for yourself. You need to start prioritising your mental health for your own sake as well as your childrens.

"how he couldn't do to them what my dad did to me..." Manipulative PRICK. He's playing you like a fiddle, OP.

By changing your behaviour, he will change.
I tried every approach in the book - nice, friendly, nasty, strict - and nothing stopped my ex from treating me with complete disrespect and thinking only of himself.

Yes, you can only change your behaviour, but don't do it just because he tells you that your behaviour is wrong. Work it through yourself and question every assumption. How is your usual level of self-esteem? Might that be affecting the way you see the situation?

OP, you say you've tried counselling together. I'd recommend counselling for you alone if you haven't tried that. And be prepared to change counsellors if that's possible: look for someone you click with. I found the sessions absolutely knackering - physically tiring - but with a counsellor and a technique I trusted (talking therapy in my case) they really helped in the long run.

Most cheaters move out when asked...because they feel the shame.

Have you told anyone about the affair? Friends or family... to get support. You need real life support.... You should go to individual therapy... I think you'd benefit from it.

Don't become a person you don't recognise.... by suppressing his you feel.