18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

The magnitude of what he's done hit home this weekend... after 18 months of fury... denial... and even forgiveness.

We have in lots of ways moved on but not really... I can still lose it when I think of his hands on her or him telling her she is the love of his life... so probably haven't moved on at all.

He fell in love with another woman while we were married...
He had "the best sex of his life" with another woman while we were married...
He told another woman private things about us...
He broke every promise he's ever made me...
He hasn't given a second thought to our daughters until he's been caught...
And whilst doing all this managed to maintain a façade of everything being perfect between us...
We weren't unhappily married.

He's gone back repeatedly chasing her for more... and she stupidly thinks he's the greatest man on earth.

He no doubt thinks about her all the time.. I can see it in his face at times... that he is isn't quite present... he has told her he wishes he could be with her but he couldn't hurt me. Yet... he is prolonging the misery he is inflicting.

I think I might be ready to say that she can have him.

He was supposed to but didn't... he doesn't think leaving is a good idea and that we should work it out under the same roof. I'm not going to pack his bags and throw him out.

But I don't know if want to work anything out anymore...

I have asked him again to find somewhere else to stay for a while and have suggested his sister... but that means him telling her what he's done.

It's good you spoke to your friend. I hour thst helped you see things more clearly as well.

This is an ongoing affair and trying to reconcile with someone actively abusing you via an affair is impossible.

It's like selling your soul and through the prices you become a shadow of your former self.

Nobody deserves the heartache and betrayal he's subjected you to. It's simply horrendous.

It's now admit coming to terms with the demise of yor marriage and grieving what used to be ... because much as I hate to see marriages breakdown whete children are involved .... this is not one of those.

You'll be better off without him. Your DDs will have a strong role model as a mother ... one who works to provide for the family.

It's hard accepting the reality thst thr man you married is a selfish cheater... who had no respect and doesn't care for you in a loving way.

He can't profess he loves you after what he's done ... and if this is how he years the one he loves... heaven help anyone he dislikes.

You're stronger than you think.

I’m so very sorry for you OP.
I wasn’t with my ex as long as long and we hadn’t planned marriage and kids, so I know I don’t speak from the same experience exactly.
But for me, it wasn’t his cheating or how it would change our relationship. It was more how it would change me. That feeling of not trusting him and how that would make me act, I didn’t want to be that person.
That’s what really made me realise there was no going back from it.

Has he made plans to move out for a bit yet?

As you, not as long as long!

You need to remember op, she’s not getting a prize! He’s a liar, he’s lied to you his wife and mother of his children and he’s lied to her. Everything he’s ever said to her means absolutely nothing. Because if he really truly felt it, he’d have left you for her and she will always have that thought, even if they end up together of ‘he’s only with me because his wife found out’

Don't keep his grubby secret. It's his shame, not yours. Regain control and flourish - without his selfishness holding you back or making you doubt yourself. for you & your dc

I’d also be very surprised if he’s told her the truth about financial matters. I thought it when I first read your thread and still do now, I’m betting she thinks his ‘writing’ brings far more into the family put than it does.
Does he earn any money at all?

I’d be seeing a shit hot lawyer asap Op.

Pot, not put!! My phone screen is broken, so I can’t see what I’m typing very well 😂

“He doesn’t think it’s a good idea for him to move out”. Well he wouldn’t would he. He has no way of supporting himself financially it’s not about what he wants and so what if his sister finds out that’s his shame not yours
I think to much damage has been done and by staying trying to work things out you are just torturing yourself even more.

This is hard op. I feel for you but can see you now coming to terms with what's actually happened - even if it feels like it's two steps forward and three back.

I don't know why we compare ourselves to OW - and of course it's even harder if we believe she is more than what we believe we are. I don't know why we punish ourselves with this further anguish despite it being painful enough already.

I think we can decide to use this 'punishment' to learn that being happy in life means learning not to listen to the punishing voice in our head.

We can learn that if we think anyone is more than us we need to give ourselves time to heal - to build up confidence so that we stop judging completely. So that nothing has the power to make us feel inferior to anyone else.

You have a big heart - you could choose to use it in continuing to fight for a broken man [a whole man wouldn't behave the way he has] or you can just let go - and keep letting go and save your heart for you and your dc.

Out there are other people with similar hearts to yours.

I would really, really urge you to pack his bags. Tell him finding somewhere for him to go is his problem.

Even if, in your mind, it’s still going to be salvageable. It can only start working if he really feels what it is like. He’ll go to the other woman, but will be thinking for the first time of what he might lose.

You absolutely definitely need time apart from him physically and mentally. I’d say at least three months. You can’t think straight now while you are in it. Your anger needs to come out over wine with friends, slag him off! But don’t be in any kind of contact for a long time - factual about the kids and that’s It. Nothing more. Save your emotional feelings to reflect and exchange with people outside your relationship.

He will be begging you to take him back after a few months. Begging. He will have an emerging respect for you that he’s lost now. He will be sleeping with the other woman but will start to resent her and think of you. He may get angry that you’ve finally put a stop to him having you both.

Hopefully you will then feel strong enough to sling his hook.

He doesn’t want to go, because he knows when you realise that you are fine without him there, which you will be. Then he’s done for.
Him not going when you’ve asked for space and him not being willing to tell his sister, just further proves his lack of love and respect for you Op, sorry
But it also shows his lack of real love and respect for the ow, she’s not worth him giving up his lifestyle, he’s not proud enough of her to even acknowledge her to his family.

You’re starting to see him for who he really is now and once you get rid, you will do so even more.
From a outsiders opinion, he sounds like a sad middle aged, washed up writer trying to make himself feel better about his failings by shagging a younger woman.
You can do so much better Op.

Maybe he could get a job writing wanky hallmark greetings for valentines cards.......his ow can be his inspiration and muse 🤢

OP

Has he agreed to go? Have you thought about what might happen with the house and children in the event of a divorce? He is a shit and you need to keep a weather eye out for yourself and your DDs in this process.

he doesn't think leaving is a good idea and that we should work it out under the same roof

Who cares what he thinks?!!

Doing it his way hasn't been working out well, has it?

It's up to him if he packs his own bags or if he leaves without anything. Don't pack anything for him.

It's up to him if he tells his sister, or sleeps in a bus shelter, or whatever.

You need time and space to think things through and he has to get out so you can do it.

He could support himself financially if we divide everything... without that he couldn't.

Even though he hasn't earned anything recently...other than minimal amounts through options... he wrote a historical fiction novel that was turned into a tv series for a US channel years and years ago.

His earnings enabled us to buy our first home .

He hasn't worked and so my earnings have gone into our second and current home and mortgage for this, DDs schools and day-to-day living.

So he has contributed to our family home... even though a long time ago and our previous home not current one...

Writing this down, I can't believe it... I can't believe I am even thinking about all of this.

You're not committing yourself to anything by thinking things through. You're just getting the situation clearer in your mind.

You know....I just knew he’d have had some work of intrest in the past. He’s such a massive cliche!

Really sorry op.

He doesn't want to work it out either. He wants to be with her but he thinks he should be trying to work things out with you. I think you are both done.

This was me , this time last year. The classic scenario..... mid life crisis husband.... his lover who was 20 years young than him.... I too felt that I was turing into mad woman and never thought I'd get over it.... HOWEVER, I now get HUGE amount of pleasure from know that he's as miserable as fuck, has a newborn baby screaming all day and night (he's 50 years old offs!) and the lover is so jealous of my life, it's turned her into a stalking psychopath !! KARMA DOES EXIST... and it will for you too!

I now have my own lovely home, a great job and have made a heap of friends who really seem to care about me. I think once you make the break and step away from the life you thought you had mapped out for yourself, you will find that many, many more doors open up to you. Most take you to a much better life.

Stay strong and believe that when people say "it does get better"... it truly does !

x

Whoops !! Excuse typos! x

Tell him if he gives a shiney shit for you he needs to go away and give you space.

If he doesn't you know just how much he cares for you and can start the ball rolling on divorce/legally getting him out.

He has had it all his way for the last 18 months.

Put yourself first for a change.

OP, sorry but like you, I can only think he was on WhatsApp with OW. even if he wasn't, like you say, you don't trust him, you don't respect him.

It's broken.

Read this again and again and again.

I know what I should do... and I know I am worth so much more than living my life in fear he will leave me... or full of this much anger and sadness.

Right note he had two women pretty much fighting for him.

It's not a competition. He married you

Until you remove yourself as an option for him ... you will continue to be living infidelity.

Playing the pick me dance will increasingly wear you down.

What I don't get about affairs is that the other person in the relationship don't look at why they have done it they have done it because they aren't getting the recognition of who they are and what they are doing from their wife or husband they just need feedback that are still attractive and doing a good job in the marriage it doesn't matter if you think they are just doing what they ought to be doing still let them know!!!! so many afairs would not happen given that small easy feedback people are so self-consumed about being tired or feeling like they are the only one in the relationship you are not there are two people let them know you give a crap about them!!!