18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

Better to begin again at 44 than 64. Or 54. Or 49. Or any day later than you have to.

Have a think about your future self and what she wants you to know about your positive happy future. The sooner you end it with him the sooner you will be able to get out the other side.

I met my dh 5 years ago tomorrow when I was 41 and him 31. We are happily married with a toddler. Op in no way is your life over. When he realises he is an arse you will have moved on and be glad you ltb.

He's begging and crying because he's a cocklodger, he needs you financially and he wants to be near his daughters. Sorry to be blunt OP. But it's true.

Also him telling you that your (rightful) anger is what keeps arriving him back to her is BULLSHIT. Very convenient for him, everything he does wrong is your fault. His affair is your fault because you are angry about his affair. It's just a manipulation to keep you quiet and compliant. So he can continue to parasite off you financially and stay close to his kids while trying to work out a way to continue his affair without you on his back.

Stop buying into this. It's just part of 'the script'.

OP, your thread has really saddened me. I doubt many could ever stop feeling angry after their partner repeatedly returned to the OW, I know I couldn't and be honest, he is not a good father, a good father would not act in such a way to destroy the family and your DDs will be affected by his behaviour, no matter how much you try to shield them from it.

You say you still love him but really is that not for who he was in the past? I would really think about if you do actually love who he is now, knowing what he has done to you and your family and having caused you so much pain.

I think you are absolutely right to tell him to move out to give you space and time to process how you go forward and deal with his atrocious behaviour.

I wish you all the very best and the strength to do what is best for you and your DDs

I've read most of this thread but what stuck out for me was when you said he says that after all this time I still shouldn't be so angry.

I suppose it's because it's struck a cord.
18 months is certainly not "all this time"
I know you're further on than that now but I thought I would just share what I've seen.
My DM decided to stay with my DF after his affair.
It was with one of her close friends. And went on for over a year.

• we don't live in that country town anymore

I've seen my DM throw the affair in his face quite a few times over the years - years not months.
I've heard it's recently been brought up again in a bad moment - 11 years later.

I don't think she 100% trusts him or ever will for that matter.
And that's with him cutting all ties with OW straight away, no texts, no communication, no running back to her because my DM was "pushing him away" wtf kind of excuse would that be?

Don't get me wrong they've had a lot of very happy times in these past 11 years as well but it always crops up at some point.

I don't want to tell you what to do or what I think you should do because it has to be your own decision. I hope you work it all out op

I’m sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread but having discovered my DHs affair over 18 months ago, if he had gone back to OW even once, or complained I should be getting over it, it would be over.

Sorry about your situation Op... to be blunt, I don’t think you will ever forgive him or get over it because he is still in contact with her... doesn’t that tell you where he stands? You may have forgiven the initial affair, but you have every right to carry on being angry and he should understand why and not go running back to her every-time you have an argument.

Oh Op, I could cry for you. I'm so sorry it's horrible. You sound incredible and strong.
If it was my husband I would have chopped his dick off and fed it to my dogs!!

My husband in the first 6 months of marriage a girl got in touch with him on FB and they messaged each other for maybe 4 days because I cottoned on. It wasn't bad really, he made it clear he was happily married but there was her manly what if we her together bullshit. I think he enjoyed the attention. He said how he would alway be there if she needed him.
It's been 5 years now and it still makes my blood boil. I sometimes wonder what if I hadn't have seen the messages on his iPad and put a stop to it.
I don't think he'd do it again but I've always got a little bit of doubt. It wasn't cheating I know that but it still really hurt me.

I wouldn't worry if the OW is beautiful on the outside on the inside she certainly isn't.

Good luck OP

I wonder if he ever took a bottle of wine round, bought dinner for her, maybe the odd present?

If he did I guess he must have been paying for that with money you were earning while he was off getting BJs at lunch from his flame.

A good father wouldn't hurt the mother of his children this way, or jeopardise their safety and security at him in this way.

Start seeing him for what he is.... a selfish, weak, unremorseful, broken, immature, irresponsible, non providing man..... who had no respect for you and you deserve so much more.

No father would walk down the aisle to give his daughter away to a man like this. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.....treating you in a way he would never want his DDs treated by any man in a million years.

Have you ever asked him what advice he'd give to your DD if she came to him in years in 15 years and her husband was doing whst he's done? You just don't treat anyone you love this way.... some affairs you can come back from.... but this is pure cruelty.

Knock him off the pedestal, because he's done that and more to you

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You remind me of what I always thought of when my sister was having an affair with a one of many married man. The last one played this dance for years before leaving the wife and kids and moving away scumbag no contact with his dc, to be with her. I stopped contact in the end (many other reasons)
I would say this to you- if he's prepared to do this, knowing what it's doing to you, but he's been back 6 times since, as another poster said- the affair hasn't ended.
He's biding his time, he's not in it for the long haul.
I couldn't forgive once, but an affair is abhorrent. He knows. He knows the torture to you. He doesn't care.

Seriously, throw him out. I can't believe you're putting up with this. What sort of message do you think you are sending to your daughters?

I too discovered an affair 3 years ago. I threw him out and I am glad to say he didn't ask to come back- if he had I might have been tempted, at the time I still loved him and couldn't imagine life without him.

3 years later I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and my DDs are happy and settled. Best thing that ever happened to me, life is so much better now than when we were together.

Sounds like the penny is dropping, OP. That's a good thing.

You will never get over it whilst you are still with him. It’s too much.

A good father wouldn't hurt the mother of his children this way, or jeopardise their safety and security at him in this way..

That’s really good advice. If he cared about the family unit he wouldn’t tear it apart. My Ex still feels like he’s a great Dad, however he abandoned both of us by cheating - so don’t buy any nonsense about it being in any way your fault, or minmise what he’s done. My Ex told me to get over it after a year too. I went away for the weekend and left him to wonder what it could be like, he was very apologetic. Still wasn’t worth staying with him.

One thing to cheat once, it’s devastating. A whole other hell to keep hitting you with the betrayal to punish you. That’s awful. He doesn’t care that the stress on you will have a big impact on the kids. He’s not a good father.

I hope you’re ok, OP.

Been thinking about you too Op and trying to think of something to say that will give you some comfort. I'm sure you must be reeling.

The only thing I keep coming back to is that none of this is about you - it feels like it is because this is the narrative you have chosen and because by default the life you wanted for yourself and your family has not gone to plan.

Your DH was given a wake up call. A nudge to look at his life and improve it - a time to consider was he really going to make it as a writer or did he need to park this and start thinking about the needs of his family. He may have been thinking about this for some time and no doubt feelings of failure would have been part of how he felt about himself.

But instead of working through these his ego got flattered by someone else and that was it - all the feelings of doubt he had about himself suddenly vanished, his responsibility to you and your Dds went out the window. Despite how much he says he loves you and your Dds his feelings about his own self worth were overriding. A stronger man would have realised it was his ego being stroked and what he had to lose and acted quickly to reverse it. Your dh is torn between real life i.e. A wife and two Dds and his fantasy world - sadly his fantasy world is more appealing

But you have also been given this wake up call too as hard as it may be to feel this right now maybe you are destined for better times. You have proved your strength and commitment to your family time and time again - your family values obviously run very deep and your determination not to repeat the failings of your parents needs to be admired. you haven't done anything to your Dds he has _ you have tried to keep your family together when most would have given up by now. What you have endured for the sake of your Dds takes strength and courage but a family is two parents and right now your Dds only have one.

Not only this but you have managed to keep working through what would have been a hellish time - this also takes great strength to keep going and present to the outside world that everything is ok when inside it is falling apart. You need to recognise your strengths.

But to ask yourself to continue with this is more than anyone should have to endure. You have plenty of self respect it is your DH that has none. I know you have said he made you laugh but this is really not enough is it? He has to be giving you more than this but he has proved incapable.

You are a real woman -a woman that has born two beautiful daughters - this is what your body is designed for - any man who respects himself would respect you for this - your DH has an issue with ageing - and again by his choice of action your feelings about yourself come to the surface.

None of this is again about you -he didn't chose this girl to make you feel bad - it's all that would take him!

Nobody expects you to have a body of a 30 year old except maybe yourself - and I can bet you are far more critical than you deserve.

I don't know if any of this registers but you have so many strengths that maybe you are being given the opportunity to lose what is no longer serving you to free you up for something better. We all need to change the way we look and think about ourselves but sometimes we have to go through some pain first to realise who we really are

This is the closest I can get to a hug x

The worst part of this is him blaming you and your anger for his behaviour. I find that truly appalling.

No. Your anger is totally valid.

Denying and suppressing this absolute and totally justified fury is going to make you ill. He is responsible for the way he behaves. Not you. He won't take responsibility, it's much easier for him to blame your anger. Which HE caused

Are you supposed to be grateful that he 'chose' you? And you're not supposed to feel so angry about the times he 'chose' otherwise? He likes telling you what you should be feeling doesn't he?

I wouldn't ask for space. I'd tell him you're done. Many would struggle to forgive a tiny fraction of what he has done. He keeps doing it. he is taking the piss.

Please don't let him continue to destroy you. Don't let him minimise your right to be furious and hurt and outraged. You have every right to feel all those things and to express them.

He sounds like a pathetic selfish loser. I think you deserve more than this.

Stop loving him now, he doesn't deserve your love.

I'm so so sorry OP

yep, in a nutshell as pp said, you can't get over an affair that hasn't stopped.

As much as it hurts, let him go and be with her, you are flogging a dead horse, your marriage can't be saved, you've given it your best shot but he's not. This will continue for years, you'll remain the dutiful wife and he will have her as a mistress who will probably at some stage have a baby with him. You will be older and a shadow of your former self and will have wasted many years being in turmoil.

I think the OW is in for a bit of a wake up call when she finds she has to keep him (financially and otherwise) as he must already seem less than responsible with his on/off carry on.

YOu need to speak to a solicitor about the house.

Suspect boho free spirit is about to find out exactly where lies the line between “twin flame” and “superannuated cocklodger”.

she seems to 'love' him too...She boosts his ego...how stupid is she..I don't think he does actually love her though... but loves the way she makes him feel
Hmm, you could be describing yourself here OP.

I have been very snappy and mad but it doesn't turn into an argument in front of them
Don't ever think that just being snappy and mad infront of them won't mess them up. My parents didn't get on and the atmosphere and bearly hidden issues they had gave me nightmares. It was a relief when she got her act together and divorced him.

For me it only got better when I accepted it was over between us.
Took over a year after we split!
However, I’m now with someone 100 times better than my ex and I really regret the time I wasted mourning my old relationship.

I wrote a long post this morning on my way into work and lost it all and can't really sit online in the office... Will start again....

thank you to everyone has taken the time to reply. I'm devastated at the number of us whose husbands have betrayed us in the worst possible way.... what is wrong with men... how can they justify this level of cruelty in their heads.
But I am encouraged by how many of you have come out on the other side stronger women for it.

DH and I had a long talk night... I told him I think we need some space for a little while and that he should move out to figure out what he really wants and that I need some time to work out what I want.

I am going to stay with a friend until Sunday and hopefully he will have found somewhere to stay that isn't the OWs flat... but it wouldn't surprise me if he did.

Last night was more emotion than I could handle... him crying and pleading for another chance.. my own breakdown. He held me all night and I doubted whether I had done the right thing asking for space.... but I woke up in the morning feeling empty and angry all over again.

I don't think this will ever change.... this pattern unless he decides what it is he really wants.