18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

So it's the OP's fault? And the hypothetical husband couldn't possibly sit the wife down and have a chat about feeling underappreciated but instead is justified in shagging a much younger woman he met in the corner shop? ODFOD, user.

I feel for you. But this affair has not ended and of course he is still sleeping with her. It would not surprise me if he has simply got another phone on the quiet - hidden somewhere.

I think you should continue with counselling alone. Not to 'mend' your relationship, not to find a strategy to 'keep' him, but to find out what YOU need to do and why you are putting yourself in this terrible position for a person who is basically torturing you. This is no longer love. He has destroyed your relationship and family. You know it, but you are not ready to face it yet. Courage my friend.

He's still there because he doesn't want to lose his foothold in the house!

He's still there because he cannot support himself!

He's still there because he was a cake eater and wanted his marriage and all the cosy stuff but wants her as well!

He's still there because he knows it won't work with the OW!

He's still there because he doesn't want to risk you being ok on your own!

Gosh he's a manchild.

Hey OP, you're far too good for him! He's knows this and is probably shitting his pants!

Get him out fast as you can and get your mates round and drink wine and support you like mates do. 💐

You need to take this risk this may be it. It's the only way.

My ex had a 4 year affair. I did want to save it, but I couldn't live with him while we were in the thick of it. I was suicidal, it's was so traumatic - 20 years together and I loved him madly. But after I asked him to leave he realised he didn't want to come back (he's not with OW). That hurt but 10 months down the line it's exactly how it should be. I am now with someone else - early days but it's amazing to be with someone who isn't equivocating about me. That doubt - the pick me game, is a killer - it eats away at you until your self esteem is on the floor. You seem to be desperately trying to avoid what happened to your parents and in doing so you may be actually making it happen. Let go.

I would suggest you ask him to leave. And stay separated. Let him work it out while you go to counselling and figure out what is going on with you. He needs to grow up - if he doesn't now - it will happen again and again. If he wants to come back - you can call the shots and you will both be stronger. At the moment he's a self-indulgent man-child. Get tough or you will lose and lose. You will not disintegrate without him (I didn't) - you will find yourself.

This was on another thread. It's really relevant here too, though.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

user317 I appreciated my husband every day. Told him how much I loved him, thanked him, told him he was gorgeous etc (I'd seen too many relationships die from lack of appreciation/approval). He stil
left.
Sometimes they are just deluded fuckwits in search of new ego strokes.

So did I Zaphod.
And he told me all of he time as well... we laughed, cuddled, had a physical relationship and were very much attracted to each other... and he still cheated.

My mum always said my dad "fell out of love and into habit" with her. He always claimed he still cared for her... but wasn't in love with her anymore like she was with him.

DH is the same... all of these men who have affairs are the same. They get a bit bored and after 20 years off they go in search of someone younger and more beautiful to feed their ego... no matter how much love or attention or gratitude they get at home every day... that must start to get boring for them too.... being praised and feeling valued.

I recall a BW saying she had sex with her DH everyday without fail for 11 years of marriage she loved and appreciated him ... but he still cheated on her.

You know what he said when she asked why?

"He wanted to know someone other than his wife fancied him" .. yeah pathetic.

Cheaters will find any excuse to cheat.

That is really so awful Sandy.

Firstly, stop protecting him.

Of course he doesn’t want to move out, he wants life to carry on as it is. He doesn’t want it all out in the open. You cannot even begin to work on anything or even gather your thoughts whilst he’s there. You deserve time and space and he is not letting you. Also, he doesn’t get to decide, you do. You need to start making decisions. You want him out? He leaves. Where he stays is not your problem.

it because they aren't getting the recognition of who they are and what they are doing from their wife or husband they just need feedback that are still attractive and doing a good job in the marriage

What total bullshit. Most grown adults don’t need a star chart to keep it in their pants

I don’t love and appreciate my husband everyday - some days he gets right on my nerves and I could gladly throttle him. Ultimately he knows I love him but I’m not going to wax lyrical about it fgs. If he cheats that will be his choice, I won’t be blaming myself for his lack of cock control!

DH met me for lunch today... to talk away from home and the girls... the way he looks has changed and I can't believe I didn't notice before...
couldn't put my finger on it and then I realised... the spark in his eyes has gone... the emotion has disappeared... not the crying and begging nonsense but the real genuine emotion... it's been gone a while and I couldn't even tell.. it's gone when he looks at me at least.

This is what a husband must look like when he's fallen out of love with his wife and his biggest supporter for 20 years and fallen in love with someone else...

I didn't see it before bc I was in denial but there's nothing there when he looks at me... feel completely crushed.

His reasons for wanting to stay... the right reasons... they're not enough not when he is in love with her.

You can't make your husband love you more than someone else.

How long before you stop crying for what you've lost?

Actually please don't reply to my question... I don't want to know.

so is he leaving? Needs to leave you in peace so that you can rebuild, and put you and the children first¬))

The thing is Op they are not bored of you - they are bored of themselves all the frustration lies within them but they cannot get this and we are the obvious ( in their minds only) cause of all their unhappiness - replace us with someone new and suddenly everything is fine - except it's not is it - this is the start of their world falling apart and the start of your world getting better - and it will hard as it may seem right now.

All the things you used to say to your DH if you could somehow see that this is a reflection of how you feel about yourself deep down anyway and that you will still feel this about yourself again one day. You are strong and capable as you have shown many a time _ you don't need this man to inflate your self worth although right now you think you do.

There is no way of avoiding the pain though - you have to go through it - but you can and will come out the other side - there are other men out there if you do not want to be on your own but you have to retain hope.

you may not think this but you are in a lucky position - you already work to support your family - due to kids age it may be you get to keep your home dependant on circumstances you have been living without the full support for your DH for 18 months _ you are almost there - it is him that has most to loose and I bet he knows this too.

The spark that's gone - that's his own soul sold out to the devil - it won't be there with Ow either - a group I used to talk to we could all see it in our X's and we used to notice how they all went through a phase of wearing sunglasses in photos hiding the eyes - because the eyes reveal the truth

Maybe you have turned a corner x

The crying stops faster when you find your rightful anger.

"The thing is Op they are not bored of you - they are bored of themselves all the frustration lies within them but they cannot get this and we are the obvious ( in their minds only) cause of all their unhappiness - replace us with someone new and suddenly everything is fine - except it's not is it - this is the start of their world falling apart and the start of your world getting better - and it will hard as it may seem right now."

This - with bells on.

OP, please get thee to the ChumpLady website. It will really, really help.

Crying is a symptom of being angry, of knowing that you have been wronged. It is not either or - sometimes you may be angry spitting feathers - sometimes you may be crying uncontrollably - both are equally valid - both display your emotions - just at different points on the scale - but crying is healing it releases the stress, the toxins the harm that otherwise you may do to your body. It is not a sign of weakness as some think and the more you cry the more you are washing this situation out of your life and for good

You may never stop crying, but it will get less over time, there may always be a trigger but know that it is a good thing and is the body acknowledging how deeply you are hurting - a sign of how deeply you care about people - you just need to divert this caring to yourself now and your girls

So is he leaving no op ?

@

I know it's terrible, but it made me realise that some people don't need an excuse to cheat.

It's easy to get fed up with life and feel beaten down by the daily grind .... especially when you have children.

I've heard truly remorseful husbands talk about the regret... the realisation that they threw it all away and risked it all for an ego boost.

It's also easy to do thst ego boosting when you don't have a full time relationship and are in the thrill of an affair .... let the fantasy become reality.... let them spend weeks and months together and see how that goes.

Most women want a family... is he ready to become a dad again... to those sleepless nights?

Good luck to him when he starts feeling insecure about younger men around her.....

There comes a time the betrayed spouse needs to make the tough decision to call time on the relationship and decide you aren't an option.... for your own sanity if nothing else.

@Mix56

It's awful indeed.

I think that despite everything he says to you, the tears and sorrys, his behaviour doesn’t change. Look at his actions not his words.

The spark that's gone - that's his own soul
Poignant, really it's not you, its not something you have done, it's out of your hands. & it's really fucking unfair.