18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

Someone wrote about how I love was the man he was before the affair and not what he is now... that is spot on and that hadn't hit home until reading it.

I despise the man he is now... what he's shown he's capable of... the fact that he could disregard his daughters and me for what? For an ego boost and some attention.

The man I love has gone and I've been so angry because ive been stuck with a selfish liar... even if he proves he can change I will always doubt him because he's shown just how selfish he is and how DDs and I didn't register in his tiny brain until he was caught.

Someone else also posted about him having a baby with her. I completely broke down reading this bc in his original text messages that I found 18 months ago... there were thousands of messages... and one conversation they'd had was about 'the beautiful babies' they'd make.

how can he have had those conversations with her while he already had two beautiful babies that worship him he couldn't have cared less about.

I'm digressing and I'm sorry.

I guess that everything I've bottled up or kind of forced myself to forget is all still there raging inside me making me so mad all the time.
I can't live like this forever.

How long have you asked him to leave for? I think perhaps you should book some counselling for yourself, to help process what’s happened and work out how to move forward

Hey OP, you’ve said that you were/ are staying with him because you love him. Do you really know what love means to you?
To me it means many things but it includes trust and admiration. If you can define what it means for you it may Make any decisions easier in the long term. I really feel for you.

I don't think this will ever change.... this pattern unless he decides what it is he really wants.

Don't wait for him to decide.
His behaviour so far has shown he has no concern for his family, only for himself.
You decide if that is the type of person you want to be with.

He's begging for another chance, but you suspect he might well run off to solace with Dewey?
He has NOT stopped this affair. he is keeping it as a default place to run off to if you decide not to pardon his multiple treachery.
Kind of says it all doesn't it ?
Anyway, please do go & see a SHL, & find out where you stand re house/DCs.

OP, I really, really urge you to read Chumplady's 'Leave a cheater, gain a life'.

I was you, a year ago. Being told I was loved and having to try and square that with his behaviour towards me.

Think about doing what he's done to you, to - not even a partner, a friend, perhaps. Could you do that to someone you're fond of, let alone love? Lie to their face repeatedly, hurt them again and again and again and when caught, tell them it's their fault for being angry?

He’s crying and pleading yet will run off to the OW! His tears are because he isn’t calling the shots now and you aren’t letting him get away with his appauling behaviour. It’s all manipulation.

I was going to ask you why on earth you can say that you still love him. But I have RTFT and think that you have written amazingly honestly and emotionally about your feelings. Perhaps you would have been a more successful writer than he is. You have great insight and now just need the courage to do what you need to do. I’m sure it will be worth it in the end. Life is too short to spend it being treated like this. He does not deserve you. You will be happy again. x

Be strong and bear in mind that if he really loved ypu the way you deserve to be loved .... he couldn't and wouldn't do this to you.

Focus on what you want... not what he wants.

Don't fall for the begging and pleading. A building without concrete foundation can't stand firm .... just like a relationship without trust.

Op my heart goes out to you. You sound like a lovely person who really is keeping the family together and working her arse off while your husband sounds like a dreamer.

He is nearly 50 for fucks sake going after a 30 year old.

You are strong and can deal with whatever happens. You are stronger than you think and I guarantee instead of thinking can I forgive him after 18 months after another 18 months you will be enjoying your new life.

You are still young and can have a second life away from this man who is clearly dragging you down.

It can be so hard to understand why a woman stays with a cheating husband and puts up with this kind of shit.

A dear friend of mine explained it like this..... She was fighting for her life and her husband prior to his affair. She didn't see why she should lose her whole life (home would have to be sold, move to different area due to work reasons / she had to go back to full time work, kids education would suffer as they were both at crucial stages but would have to move schools etc... etc...) and I did kind of get it. It was almost as though she and the kids were being punished?

My friend is a smart, feisty, strong willed woman and hearing her talk like this was depressing in some respects. The cold, hard fact was losing her husband meant she lost the lot as they couldn't provide what they had over two homes. .... many women are in similar positions. They fight tooth and nail for their pre affair lives.

As things stand my friend outwardly seems happy enough with her decision to stay but scratch beneath the surface and he resentment and anger is bubbling away. I have never voiced it but I do wonder if she'd be more peaceful and fulfilled had she kicked his arse out and gone it alone???

You've taken control... this matters greatly.. your strength will come from this control OP... best wishes Lady

She didn't get back her life prior to the affair though, Crunchy, as the trust was gone.
She and the kids were still punished as the kids will have been affected by their mum feeling bad even if she thought she was hiding it.

"But I have RTFT and think that you have written amazingly honestly and emotionally about your feelings. Perhaps you would have been a more successful writer than he is."

Yes, you are mighty. Have you got some real-life support? x

Hi just wanted to say my marriage ended for different reasons but I too thought I loved my husband so much etc but once I realised the person I loved had long ceased to exist and realised the person I was actually living with was a horrid individual it really helped me through the split

It’s not easy divorcing and losing family home kids to and fro weekends etc but a life of integrity is far superior to the life you are living

The thing is by OP going away till Sunday, he will still be at home, & so no real cold shock. He is still is his comfort zone.
It would be more effective for him to leave forever , He may well go to Dewey, but other than shag, he would be hanging around in her flat, She has a job, & life would be full of empty time, without his comfortable desk, & home with all it's worth.
Get him out of the house.
Please do this OP, Did you say the ages of your DC ? You can find a way to get them watched until you get home.
He is the one who has made this shit storm it is him who should be feeling the subsequences.
Also as you are the provider, you should probably see what you can do are finances/credit card. Does he have any money at all ? royalties? if so he should be limited to that.

You seem to be thinking, or were thinking, that the ONLY way forward is to suppress your intense (appropriate) fury.

You don't want counselling bcs that would just give space for your fury. Which you don't want. You see your fury as the thing that will conclusively destroy your marriage for good.

The above seems to be what he believes, too.

Yet, to state the obvious, your fury is the result of his breaking, stamping on, repeatedly, over and over, all trust and decency and intimacy and kindness that made up your marriage.

Your fury is GOOD. It is appropriate and it is healthy. I wish you could see the difference between healthy rage and the truly disastrous suppression of it.

So many people have given you fabulous advice here but I wanted to add one more thing.

You described your home as warm and how great your husband was but that is probably all going to change , however, just because your future won't be the same, doesn't mean it will be worse. It will probably be a whole lot better. The future can be wonderful for you.

I also suspect that your husband wasn't great before all this if he is capable of such behaviour and also if your friends never really liked him, and he hasn't written anything for years. Digging a little and it doesn't sound quite so rosy.

One more thing. All those tears of his!! Jesus, the selfish pathetic bastard! Tears for himself. Arsehole!

Oh and another thing - I am sure you have read on here about (usually) men who have had affairs. But I have never ever read about someone who kept going back every time there was a hiccup. Six times?? Honestly that is one of the cruellest thing and terrible things I have ever heard.

I really hope you can rally your strength and your friends and face that new future with optimism and energy.

I would return home and ask him to move out today lady...

I don't think you should rush back this weekend, OP.
You have had a massive shock from the reactions to this thread, after trying to deal with your H's nasty behaviour and selfish attitude for such a long time.
A couple of days out of the situation will give you space to think, if you want to, or just to have a rest from it all.

If you leave do not leave the children with him.
If this finishes with separation he can say you walked out leaving the DC. Sorry,

How are things OP?

You should speak to a solicitor to ensure that any action you take doesn't come back to bite you in the future.

You don't have to act on the solicitor's information, but you will then know how to do things if you need to.

Sorry I disappeared... I needed time to gather my thoughts and to start to process everything that's happened / is happening.

Staying with my friend was the break I needed but she was firm in her view that I should have left DH months ago... and was sad that I hadn't told her about the last 4 times he's chased OW.

Felt like a weight being lifted telling her the true extent of what he's done... I don't know why I was 'protecting' him this whole time... .probably I didn't want my friends to know how weak, stupid and pathetic I've been to keep taking him back.

I don't know what to do...

Crunchymum you said this... "She was fighting for her life and her husband prior to his affair. "
This is what I have been trying to do...
"My friend is a smart, feisty, strong willed woman and hearing her talk like this was depressing in some respects. The cold, hard fact was losing her husband meant she lost the lot as they couldn't provide what they had over two homes. .... many women are in similar positions. They fight tooth and nail for their pre affair lives."

But you never get your pre-affair life back do you? It's always changed... what they are capable of is always there just under the surface... All the talking, counselling and promises can't change what he's done and everytime he says something like" I love you" or "you look beautiful".. which has been said to OW. ... or you see anything affair-related or you have sex and you imagine how much better it was with OW.. the sadness and anger is triggered again.

Yes... maybe there is more openness and communication after the first time I found out and all the nonsense you read that makes marriages stronger after affairs.... but I never ever can forget the fact that he betrayed me and our daughters this way.... I don't trust him or respect him and I'm disappointed in him... in his weakness and selfishness.

I don't think I can look at him without anger over what he's done.... despite how much I love him /or the old him... it's impossible to figure this out.

I don't trust him... which means I don't trust his apologies or his tears... I've been awake for hours - triggered by a stupid thing no doubt... I came up to bed late last night and I couldn't sleep partly the endless over-thinking I cant switch off from and also DH had the tv on fairly loud.... I didn't want to go downstairs to ask him to turn it down so I went to whatsapp to send him a message and he showed as 'online'...
I found myself just staring at my phone waiting for him to get off wondering who he would be talking to so late at night... he was on the phone for 45 mins at midnight...

He doesn't have many friends let alone ones on whatsapp. and that doubt... that he was talking to her again... it's just always there and will never leave me.

I know what I should do... and I know I am worth so much more than living my life in fear he will leave me... or full of this much anger and sadness.

It just feels very difficult being at the bottom of this enormous mountain picturing life without him.

I thought he was supposed to move out?

This is your chance to take your life back. If you back down now, you're sending a message that there's nothing you won't put up with.