30 days no contact Thread no 3

[heartnothead]

Here we go with thread no. 3

Please do read my last post 1000 on thread 2.

Today is going well, although it is only late morning. On a scale of 1-10 of how much I miss my ex I am probably a 4. Bear in mind that this time last week I was a 10. It’s not linear though. I have ups and downs, like most of us I think.

anxious wow, tindr. You’re a braver woman than me! I have ruled out dating for the forseeable future. I need a break and have never been single for longer than a month in my entire life. It’s about time for me to take a break from men.
And yeah, cruelty. So many of these men are cruel. I would never treat anyone the way that these men do. Whenever I start to think about how much I miss my ex I think about (or read my list) all the ways that he has hurt me. I have a post on my blog (irisfindsfreedom.wordpress.com) called I need to remember.... that is nothing but a list of those things. I add to it when I remember things.
belonger taking better care of yourself is rule no 2 of 30 days I think and if it isn’t it should be. A lot of us have put our exes and others well ahead of ourselves. I also think that this process works best if we are kind to ourselves and do what we need to do (while trying to stick to NC). Be careful not to use the healthy eating as a stick to beat yourself with. I noticed yesterday that the thought of being fitter and looking better was linked to how much he would regret losing me if he saw me again. Knocked that one out of my mind by thinking about the fact that what I looked like had no impact on his abuse of me.

marley I want to just be happy being me and doing my own thing. Amen to that!

And yes, I think a lot of these men are manipulative and only think about what to say or do in terms of achieving their short term aims, not about what it means to the women they are with.

Glad everyone is feeling more positive! I’m on day 7 I think. It’s hard cos I’m on lunch and this is when I would be talking to him. I don’t think I’m going to get used to not knowing how he is or what he is up to. Does he wonder what I’m up to? And more to the point why do I care? X

Iris I agree wholeheartedly about the risk of turning a health kick into a self punishment or a way to get someone back or something. But I feel OK about it because I've never been obsessive about how I look and certainly never went out of my way to look a certain way for this guy. Anf I don't have a sense of wanting to show him what he's missing, he knows that already, we're just both finding it really hard to break things off. What I want is something that's just for me to focus on, to take my mind habits in a different direction when they would otherwise be thinking about him and when I can see him again

Marley - yep same mine wanted me to come home to him everyday a few days before he disappeared. I do at least know that he was having problems unrelated to me but obviously he didn't care enough to think how i would feel while he chose to cut off from everyone. He left his job and may have even moved. The really unhealthy thing is one man on tinder is so like him. I even thought it was him. Setting myself fir a very unhealthy fall.

Iris, thinking of his cruelty helps me sometimes but at others it just upsets me that he could do it. I will look at the blog, thank you.

Hello everyone, I'm joining you.
Broke up a week ago, he's leaving to work abroad. Only together 6 months but it was a good relationship, can't fault him at all really. Just miss talking to him everyday. No contact since Sunday. I'm hoping he will contact me. I want to tell him I miss him and how hurt I am but I know there's no point. Need to stay strong.

Hi Dreamies, good to have you here. I've only just joined the thread but it's helping me stay on track to have somewhere to check in. It must be really hard for you to have your guy move abroad. Did neither of you want to try a long distance relationship?

I managed OK yesterday with not contacting my guy, and what made a big difference I think was blocking him on Messenger so I don't see his face on there each time I go on to message friends. Makes it so much less triggering for me. Have blocked him in the past but always given in and undone it. Am taking it one day at a time and my intention is again to not contact him today.

Have a good day everyone.

Neither of us thought to try long distance and I don't think that would work.
I wanted us to stay together until he leaves but he didn't.
Problem is we work close together in a community so are likely to see each other.
He wanted us to be friends and spend time together but I can't I think that will make it harder for me.
I'm sad he's not contacted me just to see how I am.

How's everyone getting on today?

My situation is a bit different. I am in a really unhappy marriage and am making plans to leave. Bumped into an old ex a few months ago and he has been messaging me since. Messages started off as a catch up, got a bit flirty and then he propositioned me. I refused as I'm still married and he has a gf. I went nc for 6 days. Then he contacted me to say himself and gf had broken up. We had a few normal messages and I made it clear I prefer day to day chat rather than flirty ones. He messaged me again to say him and gf are back on. I said that was good news and wished them well.

If I'm honest I was enjoying the attention of the messages and when we went NC last week I was devastated - really hurt. But I find myself not caring this week. If he messages something random I will reply but I am not contacting him. I think himself and the gf sound messed up and I'm not going to be there as an ego boost for him. He has told me about other women messaging/chasing him. Not sure if he's trying to make me jealous but I'm not.

So I'm joining to keep strong as he did play an important part of my life and I did see us ending up together in the future, but right now I just feel like he is so disrespectful to his gf and my (ailing) marriage.

@Belonger - good idea to block your ex on Messenger. Will he know that he's been blocked?

Yes, it means I show as unavailable if he tries to message me. He'll understand though, we are both trying to end our relationship because it's not good for us. I trust him not to try and mess up my attempts to keep him at arms length, for now at least. It's me I don't trust!

@Beonger - I understand. I really had to sit on my hands not to contact my ex last week but I managed it. Then as soon as he messaged I replied straight away. Like literally straight away. It is so addictive.

I hope my ex never contacts me again because I know I won't be contacting him.

@dreamies - it's so hard to stay friends with someone when you have feelings for them. Were you friends before you got together?

Yes we were friends we had got to know each other over 6 months at work.
I feel like staying friends means I will miss him now seeing him as a friend but not being with him and then when he goes.
I think he's trying to be respectful by leaving me alone. Just wish he was missing me enough to want to contact.
Wonder if he's finding it as hard as all of us.

Sadlady, I'm sorry you've been messed around by this guy, I understand the pleasure in the flirty attention but it sounds like you've made the right decision to have really clear boundaries and look after yourself. I'm wondering why you would reply to him if he messages you? Why not just ignore him and let yourself heal more quickly?

@dreamies - He probably is finding it just as hard but men (or some men) seem to be able to compartmentalise things more than us. I suppose the whole point of nc is to give the other person time to miss us so I'd do what feels right for you.

@Belonger - thanks. The compliments and expressions of regret on his part were so welcome as I am very lonely in my marriage but the highs were not worth the lows.

I actually think he is more confused than me. At least I am openly admitting that my marriage is over. He is 'supposedly' in a loving relationship and yet he is willing to risk it for a meeting up. Or was willing to risk it. Maybe the short breakup was a wake up call for him.

I would respond because I will have to see him about once a year as we have a mutual close connection. It is better to keep things on a friendly level so no awkwardness when we do see each other. I've a feeling that all communication will cease now and that's okay with me.

I'm not no contacting him so he misses me but more just to protect myself. I've told him I'm not punishing him or trying to hurt him I just need to stay quiet so I don't go on a long pointless ramble..
Saw him a couple of times today. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I think some people use NC to try and get someone 'back', but for me it's definitely to try and break my addiction to being in contact with this guy, and to protect myself. But I must admit that the last time I tried to break contact he became super keen and reminded me that 'treat em mean and keep em keen' really can work if you want it to! But I don't want that, I want to learn how to manage my feelings without distracting myself with a fantasy relationship.

I've struggled a bit today, noticed the urge to contact him whenever I've felt a bit bored or restless. And have just had a little chat with myself along the lines of 'I could just unblock him, won't do any harm'.... 'but it won't do any good either'!!

@Belonger - you are doing great! Keep it up. Have been checking whether he has been online a bit today but not as much as I had been. I've had absolutely no urges to contact him. I think I've had a right turn off him.

Does anyone think they start having a great day and then suddenly wham! It just hits you out of no where? I'm just getting annoyed that he hasn't recognised all of the things he's said to me isn't confusing and that he's down played them. How is saying "I want you to fall in love with me", "you're very special to me" planning a future with me....how is all of that just flirty and playful!?? And then making out like I'm just reading to much into it!!

I can really understand you feeling bewildered by his behaviour, he's really messed around with your feelings. But I also think we're on a hiding to nothing when we try and work out 'why?'. There could be all sorts of reasons to do with his emotional messed up'ness, but none of that is your responsibility to understand or fix. If his behaviour is not OK for you, that's kind of all that matters. Maybe you could come up with a list of things you could think about whenever you find yourself ruminating about him, like planning a holiday or day out or a healthy meal or just finding something beautiful to look at out of the window. Apologies if that sounds a bit daft or too simplistic, but I do think we torture ourselves with whys that don't really help us

Day 3 for me. Feeling grand. Still checking if he is online a bit but not as much as I was. Feeling fairly disgusted with him for targeting me when I was vulnerable. Feeling like he is very selfish

Marley I think you can rip yourself apart looking for logical answers. There aren’t any. I think maybe at the time they say these loving and committed things they might mean it at the time. When they decide it’s over they flip a switch and make out you’re mad for interpreting what they have said in the way they actually said it. When you take people at face value you’re honest and open and expect the same from others. I am. I took my ex at face value and for the last 2-3 weeks what was going on in his head was totally different to his actions and words. He was withdrawing a bit I now see that but his words when he ended it more or less implied I was nuts for interpreting things the way I had. All I’d done wrong was believe him. Not a single other thing wrong. Yet I was made to feel I had the wrong end of the stick. He actually told me we’d never even been in a relationship (exclusive for 11 months!!!!!). He’s a dick. They say it to try to justify their shitty behaviour to themselves. They probably half believe it too!!

Aminuts that's completely it! You've been through the exact same issue then. Yeah I believed him, how crazy of me aye. I dunno why some men do that,I've seen quite a few posts on guys doing this, think I'll get a book on understanding the male brain lol. One thing though is that we can't let these guys then affect our trust in potential good guys that come along.