30 days no contact Thread no 3

[heartnothead]

Here we go with thread no. 3

Please do read my last post 1000 on thread 2.

Have you read The No Contact Rule by the woman who writes the Baggage Reclaim blog? It's really good on Emotionally Unavailable men who behave that way

Belonger No I haven't but sounds like something good to read. I'll have to search it out

It does sound interesting, I will cjeck it out too, thanks.

ItsjustMarley - but can you stop it affecting your trust in potential good guys? I was already wary of being hurt due to exH then this guy recognised that saying he would show me how different he was. So lovely, so understanding, full of compliments of how lucky he was to have me then gone. So how can I not be even more wary now? I doubt everything a man tells me now.

Also yes, think I am doing much better one minute then it all comes crashing down. Can men really just check out, done and dusted.

I have no idea why some guys check out suddenly when their words say otherwise. I had to Google "why men suddenly pull away" lol. But I think some do mean it at the time and then maybe get caught too much in it and have a freak out, not making excuses but that's all I can think of...or they do it to get something but I never give anything up until I'm absolutely certain. Nah because if I live my life being wary of guys i think that just closes my heart and I like to give people a chance to prove themselves instead of already thinking bad.

Does anyone think they start having a great day and then suddenly wham! It just hits you out of no where?

Oh God, yes. I catch myself thinking finally, I’m getting over it and later that day feel terrible.

And I also wonder whether he is missing me.

The other thing is that more of my sadness and grief is about the fact that he emotionally abused me throughout our relationship and I let him. He never loved me the way that I loved him and he even told me so. I stayed after that too. How pathetic is that?

I sent a very brief, one line email today to let him know that I do want the things that I’ve left in the house because I read a thread on here about someone getting rid of the stuff their lodger had left. I feel justified because I am anxious about the stuff but am not up to going back to the house.

@Iris65 - you are not pathetic. You are now realising what an arse he was and how abusive he was and the less you interact with him the stronger you will become.

Iris he is pathetic, not you! He emotionally abused you. What does that say about him. I know it still hurts terribly but really don't let him make you feel that way on top of the heartache you are already going through. Let us know if he replies about yiur belongings.

Iris not pathetic at all. He’s an abuser and it takes real strength to recognise that and to get away. Get your stuff back but keep and communication business like.

I don’t think all men are like this but I think a lot are. At the wise and emotionally battered age of 42 my outlook is that I’m not dead. I do hope to love again one day. But I’m a right old cynic now. I can’t imagine opening up to anyone very easily now. I don’t want to turn into a wisened old cold fish though. I’ve had a couple of men ‘situations’ to deal with since the ex. Both had the potential for me to get hurt, but I spotted it, deflected it and used humour. As a result I’m still fine, single, unscathed and strong (and an old cold fish ) x

Well. After almost four long months my ex “contacted” me. We were absolutely 100% NC from the get go.
3 missed calls from him on WhatsApp. After a while I rang him and the bastard declined the call.
This was 2 hours ago and my heart has only calmed down now.
I’m furious, sad and confused. But at least I know the fucker isn’t over it yet either 💥

I don’t know if I should follow it up, or just leave it. He called 4 times over half an hour but we didn’t speak
What the actual fuck is he at 🤯

Keep strong molly. If the break up is right then keep going NC and ignore the calls. Do you feel in a place where you can block him? X

Do not call him again molly. Why would you want to speak to him? Beyond intrigue?
You’ve spent 4 months...don’t undo the hard work.

Molly don’t call him back. You’re stronger than that.

Ami! Hope you are well x

That’s amazing dinnerdate! Good for you. I want to be where you are!

Well done dinnerdate - I too want to be where you are.
I’ve been fighting with myself all day, composing emails and deleting them. I suppose he just had a moment of (probably drunken) weakness and reached out.

It’s been a fairly wretched 4 months because we love each other. But as I have come to know, love isn’t enough, sadly.
No point going back now.

It’s been a fairly wretched 4 months because we love each other. But as I have come to know, love isn’t enough, sadly. No point going back now.

The difficulty I am having is that despite his abuse of me I am still crazy about him. I know why: I grew up in an abusive family and my mother is heartbroken over the death of my Dad who treated her like shit and was physically abusive too. They were married 56 years. So I don’t think I ever learned about what was acceptable and what wasn’t. Intellectually I know that things are wrong, but its acting against my instincts to protect myself. (My parents hurt me and my sister too.)

I also have what’s called a trauma bond with my ex which makes it more painful to separate.

The terrible truth is that if he wanted me back I would seriously think about it. I might not do it, but it would take 110% of my strength to not go back.

And that makes me feel worse.

Iris you’re doing really well. One day that bond will break and you will feel free. Just give it time and don’t be too hard on yourself in the meantime.

Liza all good here. How are you doing?

I just realised I think I’m on day 61 today so I’ve done it twice

Ami wow. 61 days! I am struggling to do 7 😢

Amazing ami!! That's a great milestone. Iris you are not alone, in fact 7 is still amazing! It is sooo hard. dinnerdate you are doing brilliantly, in fact everyone on this thread is!
I have been avoiding the thread because I'm ashamed of how badly I've been doing.

If I'm counting from when I actually contacted him, I'm on day 11. If I'm counting from the last time I obsessively checked the messaging app we use just in case he has replied and it somehow hasn't notified me, that would be day 0

I know that he isn't going to reply, and I know I need to delete the app. I might message him to say I am doing it, or might just do it, haven't decided yet. I am not on other social media and not linked to him in other ways so at least that makes it simple.

Other things I am going to do:

• give the things that remind me of him to a friend to keep for me. I can't bring myself to throw them away but I know she won't give them back to me even if I stupidly beg
• stop googling him for pics (I don't have any pics of him) and also stop googling his gf
• his gf and I commute through the same station so it's hard to avoid her completely but I will look for a different route into the station and also try and stop trying to spot her to see if she looks better than me and beat myself up if so
• delete all the songs that remind me of him from spotify playlists
• write a list of why he is a shit and why i'm so much better off rid.

Well done everybody. Day 8 here for me. Can still see him logging on and off messenger and am wondering who is messaging or what he is doing. Am no longer tempted to reach out in any way, shape or form but I know if he messaged I would reply.

It's been a while.

Shame the group died was enjoying it.

I have ended it with him. Don't feel great but I was an idiot for far too long.