30 days no contact Thread no 3

[heartnothead]

Here we go with thread no. 3

Please do read my last post 1000 on thread 2.

I haven’t spoken to my ex since Wednesday. The next day I have to see him is Sunday when he drops DD off. I’m dreading it so much. Cos I know he will be off to see ow as soon as he drops her off. I don’t how to deal with this all

Iris Fair question..I like being called out - so appreciate it x

I guess there isn't any need. I just thought it was BS and as long as I treat him like I would treat an acquaintance. It wont cause me any harm.

However, he could just get the answers if he uses google. TBH his OW is probably more qualified than I am.

So I don't get why he is messaging me?
Then again I am trying not to over analyse.

I don't get why he is messaging me? Keeping you on a slender hook would be my guess.
Glad you understood why I asked you that!
I actually thought that I could email my ex to tell him how our cat is 🙄
Anyway, it has been a better day today. Only cried once.

I don’t how to deal with this all. It is horrible isn't it? It must be so hard having to see him because of your DD. I broke down completely yesterday because I had to go to the house, let alone see my ex in person.
We just have to keep going. Stick to the minimal contact rules, look after yourself and your DD, plan nice things for yourself and your DD.
That's how I am approaching it. Sometimes I panic and think there must be a single thing that I can do to make it stop hurting but I know that there isn't.

Has anyone else contacted ex today? I have managed not to. Especially since he hasn't replied to my email. I have some pride!

I genuinely think that a lot of these men are narcissists who just want to keep women involved as 'back up'.

Slender hook - sorry I don't quite get that. I'm being stupid.

As in stringing me along? Prolonging my agony?

I'm giving up as each day with no interest goes by. I won't be there soon enough with open arms for very much longer.

Replying to this BS messages means nothing. It's not about the relationship it's just pointless. Stuff he could find out if he tried - to be honest is OW is better qualified in some of the questions as opposed to me.

Yes, I mean stringing you along (like a fish hook). Telling you he loves you, how much he misses you would be a big hook. Asking trivial stuff is a slender hook.

And God, no, you are not being stupid! I just have a vivid imagination!

Yeah that's what I thought. I don't initiate any contact. Don't see a need.

He seems to have forgotten his last fit of rage and telling me not to contact him. Idiot!!

I miss my ex so much. I have a physical pain, a sort of deep aching in my chest. I just want to hold him and to be held by him. I crave him like addicts crave a drug. I want it to stop.

Posting here instead of saying it to him or saying it outloud because my housemate would get upset.

Miss him

Another fail. Just sent him an email telling him how much I love him and that I want to go home.

Iris do you think you do want to go home? Really? Would anything change do you think?

If I did things right it would be OK. And I know that this is classic stuff from someone who has been emotionally abused. At the moment it hurts so much that I would do anything to make it stop.

I know that my reaction is extreme, but this past few decades have been so hard and I have gone through so much. I have been told that I am very, very reslilient for having gone through everything that I have over many decades, but there is a limit and I think that I have hit it.

I am really, really trying. I have done everything that I am supposed to today and previous days but it is not helping. I think I am in the throes of a breakdown, but I know that apart from one friend (who is my ex husband) there is no support. I have to try and be OK when I am around him because I have hurt him so much and there is nowhere else.

I could cope with what was happening between us because I understand that a lot of it is his Aspergers. My parents were married for 56 years before he died and they were abusive to eachother (and to me) but my mother is absolutely heartbroken now that my Dad is dead. A lot of people don't understand it. I do. It's called trauma bonding.

I understand Iris. I’m sorry you’re hurting as much as this. If you want to go back that is absolutely your right. This is your life. You only get one go at it. But you must embrace it and do what makes you happy in the long term, not just thinking about today. You left him because you were not happy and you couldn’t face the future with him. Think about why that was. I’d hate you to go back and in a few months regretting and finding it even more difficult to leave. I think you need to search your soul here and be brutally honest with yourself. Weigh up the pros and cons. Write them on here if you want advice or opinions. Remember you have to do what is right for you and your future x

I would go back if he wanted me. The last time we broke up I understood that he needed me to leave for a while so I did. This time when I left it was because he hurt so much and I know that he will never change. I didn't anticipate how painful it would be this time because I feel as staying at my ex husband's house has made my ex think that I really won't go back.

Arrgh just had a massive cry - was talking to ex last night and I asked him if he missed sharing a bed with me (stupid i know) and he abruptly said 'no.' was so fucking upset . . . then kept stating how the relationship/marriage is over and I should move on like he has . . . so sad. Why dos he get off scot free by being over us super quick, making new friends, meeting new women etc and has no sad feelings at all? says hes happier than ever. Grr. When will I stop hurting . . . .

I’m so sorry user.
I tortured myself for weeks asking my stbxh the same questions. You never get the answer you want.
As I’m learning men deal with these things a lot easier than women. The day I stopped asking I felt a bit more free. What will his answers do for you? It won’t change the fact that your relationship is over. I’m almost 9 weeks in and it’s still incredibly hard, especially now he has a new girlfriend but as soon as any negative thoughts come in my head I say out loud, it’s over. Then I distract myself. Mainly with dd.
You will get there, we all will but stop with the torture.

How is everyone doing today?

Good morning but difficult afternoon.

You will get there, we all will but stop with the torture.

I have read another good article online today. Bonding is biochemical and then on top of that when we do something pleasurable dopamine gets released which is what makes us feel good.

Everytime we remember the positive things about our ex we get a shot of dopamine which reinforced the bond. Some research ahs shown that the brains of many people going through a break up behaves in similar ways to the brain of someone withdrawing from cocaine.

The no contact rule helps to break that bond by limiting exposure to our ex, so that over time the pain reduces. That is what I am working for even though I am back at the beginning. 30 days will be 5/12/17 for me.

I’m starting over tomorrow yet again, mainly because my stbxh is an idiot.

What’s happened Liza? Is he still flaunting his new GF on FB?

Liza I know exactly what you mean. I'm having to start all over again tomorrow. I did so well with 7 days NC but I cracked and text him earlier to ask how he was. Wish I hadn't because he's totally fkin great and I'm not