30 days no contact Thread no 3

[heartnothead]

Here we go with thread no. 3

Please do read my last post 1000 on thread 2.

Day 6 for me. I'm finding it really tough as the NC was so abrupt. No rows, just nothing.

How are you?

Hello all. I have just found this and caught up with some (not all) of the 3 threads. I have to say how brilliant and strong you have all been in the face of shitty situations, and how amazingly supportive of each other.

Can I join? I think i need to go NC and can't bring myself to yet. It's not as bad as many of your situations - I was never in a real relationship with him. He hasn't done anything really horrible to me and isn't a total bastard (though admittedly I did later find out that some of the times we slept together he had a gf - that was more bastardy to the other girl than me). We always had a very strong mutual attraction which for various reasons wouldn't have worked as a relationship, but we've been sleeping together on and off for the last 2 years. I am crazy, crazy in love with him (and yes I'm fully aware I sound like a teenager being ridicululous ). It has tailed off over the last year and now he has a proper gf - someone I know vaguely, and it kills me. I pass her occasionally in the street and it's like a stab in the guts. I am so so jealous of her, even i should feel sorry for her. After all her shitty bf slept with me a few times when they were first getting together and he still sees me and lies to her about it, tells me the sex we had was the best ever, etc. (Which I'm aware could easily be a lie but still shit for her that he says it).

We see each other once every couple of months as "friends", each time the evening starts safe and light-hearted, then gets a bit flirty, and ends up emotional. Each time I get super excited to see him, then spend days afterwards moping and crying because he is not mine. I have dc and it's not fair on them because I am so distracted. I convince myself it's a good thing I keep seeing him because a) it makes me happy and b) it makes me take care of my appearance, keep fit etc. But reading this back I realise quite how stupid and addicted i am and really need to go nc. Right?

heartinajar no you don't sound like a teenager just because you're crazy in love with someone....it happens.

This isn't fair, so he's basically had you but doesn't want to be with you? Sorry if this sounds harsh but it looks like he sees you as just some fun and not someone to commit to because I would think he would have made YOU his gf. Sounds like you'd be better off though if this is how he treats ladies and I'd be paranoid knowing what he's like and going out with him and wouldn't be happy at all. I mean are you happy being this side chick? You're worth a lot more than that. You deserve to be someone's number 1.

I moved out 18 days ago and am day 4 having cracked again at the kast week and sending him a stupid email with juts the subject line filled in with I am sorry and I miss you.
WTAF I am sorry for I don’t know, although I do know that he blames everything on me and labelled me as carzy and needing therapy. During that moment of madness I felt that I would do anything to have him back. Embarassing.
Anyway, I am getting better and have started a blog on wordpress called Iris Finds Freedom. Posting on there helps. PM me if you want the link.
heartinajar I know that feeling of infatuation, over the top crazy love and I am a lot older than you I think! The 30days programme might help, although it depends on how often you are in touch with him. It sounds as if he turns up every few months and rocks your world then disappears again. If you’re not in touch that often it might not help unless you commit to ending it completely i.e. blocking his number and email and actively avoiding places that you might come across him or his GF. Anyway, I know the pain of not being with someone that you competely adore, so welcome.

*at the end of last week

Itsjust not harsh at all, you are accurate in that I am the side chick! He does treat me like crap and I know he would do even if we were together. It's just how to convince myself to actually take the plunge with nc...

Iris many congrats on moving out and getting to day 4 - don't beat yourself up about cracking. If you feel it's crazy and embarrassing - well it's no more so than the rest of us on here :). I sent dickhead a message last week that makes me cringe now, especially as he hasn't deigned to reply.

You are absolutely right, he does just rock up every few months, just in time to mess me up all over again, and I do need to end it for good. Shall I tell him I'm doing that? It means getting in touch again, but if I don't I worry that he will reappear in 3 months time.

How is everyone else getting on? Please tell me some success stories !!

Glad to see you are doing well iris! I would love the link to your blog.

Welcome heartinajar.

I’m Day 6 NC after originally getting to 15 days! I discovered he was in a new relationship and this pretty much broke my heart all over again. But I’ll be ok! He’s always been able to move on quickly after things have happened. It’s a bloke thing I guess.

Can I join you all? Could do with some support to keep me focused on staying away from someone who is bad for me - a relationship I should never have been in but it was very addictive. Now trying for the something'th time to end it - starting NC today. Wish me luck!

What have you found helpful? Even if just for a day at a time?

Thanks x

Hi Belonger. Welcome to the thread. Do you want to tell us why this guy was so bad for you? Not if you don’t want to obviously. It just might help us try to keep you NC if we can.

Just catching up after some time off. Liza and Iris youre both sounding positive which is great. Keep going. All still good with me. I think I’m on day 55 now. Nearly twice there.

I’ve been contacted by an ex from years and years ago who seems to be chasing me full on. He’s just (few weeks) split with his DW. Reminded me of your situation a bit Liza. Just felt so sad for her. I’ve asked him to leave me alone. If it helps you at all I just got the sense with this guy that he was just desperate not to be on his own and wanted to rush into something else. It made me feel like a bit of a consolation prize tbh. Not good at all. I think if I’d been in a worse place in my head I might have gone for it. Thank god im feeling strong

Thanks for the welcome, I really appreciate it. The relationship was bad for me largely because he was unavailable, in all sorts of ways, but the attraction was incredibly powerful and addictive. I've been working through it in counselling and that has been a big help but day to day it's still a real challenge not to contact him. When I'm feeling low or anxious i want to contact him, I think it's often to just distract myself from other worries.

But - I've spent too long thinking about it all and now I just want to move on and focus on what I want instead. I think making some plans for my future would be a good thing to do.

And Aminuts, what a great achievement, you're an inspiration!

I took it one day at a time, sometimes even having to break the day up into parts. It was really difficult on the days of the week that we’d normally meet up. I’d do anything to distract myself, have a bath, meet friends, see family etc. It got easier after 2-3 weeks I’d say. That’s when you start feeling better and better all the time. Set yourself goals. Even little ones. I hadn’t seen whilst I was in it that my relationship was emotionally draining me. Space and clarity really helps. It might feel like going NC is letting him off the hook, not being confronted with the guilt and distress of what he has caused, but it’s actually more about protecting yourself and retaining dignity. I feel dignified now and strong. My life was good before I met him and I’m in a good place again now. I’m happy, sociable and free. You really will get there

Ami! Hope you are ok! You have done so well.

All good here Liza thanks. Hope you’re ok. I saw your other thread

Still finding things tough tbh. I’ll get there x

You will get there definitely. How’s the kik group going? Is it helping?

It really is. You should join! X

How can I find the group on Kik? Need some likeminded support!

Am I in the right Kik group!??Lol, I haven't seen any chats or interaction

Anyway, I got this boom off Amazon called "she's killin it - the ultimate 21 day journal for manifesting your kickass life" by Kathryn zenkina. It's brilliant, it gives you tasks and goals to do each day to get to the life you want. Im on day 3 of the boom and it has made me feel so much better and it's great because it not only distracts you but also helps better yourself. I actually haven't thought of him that much because I'm so focused on this

Book* not boom

I am definitely better than this time last week. I spend less time thinking about what I miss and more time thinkong about how much he abused me. I am less upset and for shorter periods of time. I am starting to get flashes of anger about what he has done to me over the last four years, which is a good thing I think.
heart I think I would block his number/email and say nothing. If I sent a message I end up wondering if he has read it, and if he replied I would get drawn in again. It’s whatever works best for you I think.
ami Yes, dignity and protecting yourself. The knowledge that I let him treat me so badly and without any respect for years is helping me to keep going. Occasionally I manage to get indignant that he behaved like that to me, but mostly I am bewildered about why he would hurt someone who did nothing but love him, care for him and put him first.
Liza It is hard isn’t it? I am looking forward to the time passing and these feelings getting less painful. It must be so hard having to deal with him because of your child. I still have some stuff in the house and I just can’t face going to get them, although I know I will have to eventually.
Belonger Oh God yes, that powerful, addictive attraction. I am convinced that it is similar to drug addiction. I have read quite a bit about the biochemical bond that develops and its effects during a break up. It helps to know that I am not ‘just crazy’, there actually is a biological basis to my grief.
rhubarb Glad you found us. This group and kik are great. I’m not good with IM though, I prefer choosing when I post and thinking about what I am going to post. I also feel rude when I have to leave!
Marley the book sounds good. I am enjoying kicking ass at the gym and rediscovering stuff I gave up when I was with my ex.

Hi everyone, I wrote a message earlier this morning but it doesn't seem to have posted, so apologies if two turn up! But I was just checking in, and setting my goal for the day, to not contact him and also to start taking better care of myself more generally, because I've noticed I've gained a lot of weight recently and want to start to live a bit more healthily. Too much comfort eating I think!
Have a good day everyone

Belonger - definitely a positive move. Looking after yourself for yourself and not a man.

Iris - glad you are doing better than last week. Don't be embarrassed about the email.

Love - glad you are feeling slightly better. Men do sadly seem to move on so much quicker.

Ami - inspiration really. Thank you. Glad you are getting back to your old self.

Everyone else good luck today.

I haven't contacted mine for nearly 2 weeks. I last sent him a text asking has he really disappeared without telling me and I thought we were friends as well as whatever else was happening and that it was really cruel to just block me out. No response. How cruel eh? I don't get how you can ghost someone after months and months. How can men be so into you, convince you they are so different and then vanish.

Oh and I signed up to tinder as a distraction but that lasted less than a week. After the initial high of some nice men I feel a bit in competition with all the other women they are talking to so now the buzz has definitely worn off.

Anxious yeah i had the same thing of him being completely infatuated me, telling me he wants me to fall in love with him and then he just changed his mind!?? When I questioned him about this he said he was just being playful and flirty!... I mean wtf?? Who does that!??

It'll get better. I went on tinder just to find someone to distract me but then I thought I don t want put effort into finding someone to replace someone else. I want to just be happy being me and doing my own thing. So it's why I started this goal setting and reading this book.