Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Don’t mention anything yet.....get everything sorted and ordered in your head and that too will give you confidence in your plans.
Your pets you mentioned, could they come with you? I always worry on these threads about them being left.
Hope you’re doing ok x

Record him on your phone.
Diarise everything.
Find a solicitor.
Send WA an email.
Talk to the police DV unit on 101.

You can do it. You must be a strong woman to recognise what he’s doing after such severe abuse for so long. You are holding everything together, bringing up 4 children on top of it. Even sleep deprived and abused you are awesome!

Oh, OP

This thread is making me feel all hot and panicky. Clearly this is hitting nerves for me....

It sounds hideous.

You say you work full time? Ask if you can take or receive calls (from WA, or the police, or solicitor, or advice line etc) at work. Is there someone in HR, or your Line Manager that you could ask for some support from. You wouldn't need to say much about your situation but I bet you could get some time/space to plan/seek advice etc.

My DC (15) and I are nearly free, just got to sell the house. DC cannot wait.

You are strong and brave. You are.

Op you can leave him and you need to for your kids. If you don’t the cycle will just continue? Presumably you don’t want to live like this for the rest of your life and you don’t want your kids to turn out like it either ?
Sounds horrible, he’s a bully. You deserve a real life!

Be brave and stay safe OP.
Lots of us here for you.

Sorry haven't read all of this.
Get together any important documents, passports, birth certificates etc and leave with a good friend, have some clothes for you and dc either with friends or if necessary hidden somewhere e.g. Shed, double bagged in wheelie bin if needs be and get help as soon as you can. Your local authority may well have a specialist team, police will be able to advise, even your GP surgery should.
You need a safety plan, you know you need to leave him, unfortunately this is one of the riskiest times, so you need to be mindful that in order to be able to protect your self you need to go quickly

*may

Erm, don't leave your passports in a wheelie bin

Sorry might have misread that post but I wouldn't leave anything in a bin you don't want to lose!

I'm so grateful to you all and I know it must be horrible hearing this again when you've been through it. Like opening up old trauma. I used to be such a happy person. I've always been quite deep and analytical but loved to laugh and have fun. I'm very gentle and love pets and children and want to make people feel better. I just don't know how we ended up together. We are so different. I think he's very entertaining when on good form but brutal when he's not. I actually don't think he likes women very much. He deep down has very entrenched views on women's and men's roles in the house. His mother is horribly traditional almost to the point at family events where the men sit drinking whisky and the women are in the kitchen .
Oily Re the pets don't worry- I would never ever ever leave them. My kids and my animals matter more than anything to me. X

* I think I'm an empath so him being a narcissist must have seen me coming a mile off*

Yes he did OP. I was married to a Narc sociopath for 10 years together for 13. They choose you, in many cases hunt you down, love bomb you, and then begins the game of breaking you down, controlling you and mentally fucking torturing you.

You have clarity, it takes a while because you are a nice person willing to forgive, but now you have clarity.

I can’t tell you how much calmer I am these days, I don’t doubt myself at all, I believe in myself and my capabilities, and I am so much stronger. I’m off the AD‘s too.

Well I was calm, until I read your post about him mouthing obscenities to you. Now I’m so angry I want to drop round and punch him in the face. Nasty nasty controlling prick.

You can do this, and you deserve a good life op.

But it would be a good idea to tell your GP what is going on and if you can get a report in to the police without this causing you unnecessary grief, as this would all help if you find out after you separate that you need to limit his contact with the children.

I hope you get through to woman's aid tomorrow.

Hi OP, I woke up before the alarm this morning and was thinking about you. You HAVE to get out of this situation, out from under this excuse of a man, have to get his dark influence away from the kids. Record him (as long as no risk to you) go to the police, and get out. It’s bad enough waking up on aMonday morning without his stupid scary shit going on. You deserve far, far better. Xxx

Thanks shushpenfold that's so sweet. I'm amazed and humbled by how kind everyone is being. I guess you just get used to not being shown any real kindness after years and years of it. Whenever he's kind there's usually a reason eg he wants something. He was all sweetness last night but didn't take long for the mask to slip. I told him ages ago I had a work commitment on this coming Friday night ( its work not social) and he'd have to help with the kids picking them up etc . He acted, when I reminded him, like I'd never told him, went mental and said he's away and can't do it, and stormed out the house slamming the door. I know feel sick. Having to go to work with all this on my shoulders. Paint on a smile and pretend I don't actually live this life x

This sounds exactly like my STBXH. I to have 4 DC's.
I was terrified of leaving, I was a SAHM and like you he had control of every bit of our household income.
My confidence was at rock bottom.

I knew I couldn't stay, my children were growing up watching this. So I kicked him out, moved house, got a job after 10 years at home.
I found out what benefits I was entitled to, you need to look into This.
I'm still in a precarious financial position, but the relief at not being with him anymore outweighs that.

My DC's have settled and because I'm so much more relaxed, they are happier.

You can find the strength to leave, you really can.
What are your circumstances? I.e mortgage? Rent?

*now not know

I also woke up thinking about you. Can't bear watching anyone go through this as I know just how awful it is.

Why not make today the day you start to take your power back? Phone your local Women's Aid and get some advice x

Start having him as a plan B or C in your life op. It’s good to start a support network now as you’ll need it in the months to come.

So if you have a work evening commitment, get some childcare sorted. He doesn’t need to know he’s a plan B. But when he tries this controlling shit you are affected less by it.

And stop answering his ridiculous demands...it’s perfectly reasonable to be at the supermarket for 1.5 hours, shopping packing and loading groceries. Read into the grey rock method. You have to start adopting that now.? Where were you? - in the supermarket. That’s all he needs to know. Ignore the rest. It’s controlling bullshit.

I think he's knocked my confidence because he's taken over decisions on so many levels. I would never dream of putting a picture up in the house without his approval. I once bought a scented candle arrangement and he stormed about shouting " what the hell is this?" And refused to have it. The only reason I'd bought it was because my mum was staying and I'd been Xmas shopping and we were having a lovely time. If I put up a smoke alarm he'd take it down. If I changed something in a room he'd change it back. It's got to the point where I've become paralysed because whenever I've made a decision he unpicks it all and makes me cancel/ return whatever it is.

So I suppose it's left me nervous of how I'll manage. Practical things like the actual move itself, making decisions. I'm so used to him taking over

I bet you'd manage just fine. He just wants you to think you can't. It's another chain he's wrapped around you to keep you behaving exactly like he wants you to.

I understand the effect his behaviour has had on your confidence, but actually these things are like riding a bike, you don't forget them from lack of use.

That's exactly what I was going to say Atenco: it's like riding a bike, you never forget.

Have you called your local Women's Aid yet?

Please do. They will come alongside you and help you with everything.

It is joyous when you get out. Wonderful to luxuriate in your own life xx

You used to make decisions. You can make them again. It will feel weird at first, then amazing.

You are still making decisions all the time, they just mostly involve trying to work out the best way to appease him and try to survive/ meet your children's needs. Thousands of decisions where often the choice is between a shitty outcome and a shittier one. Once you've left, you'll actually be making decisions where the outcomes are good, happy things, where you only have to take into account practical considerations and what you and the kids want, not factor in the completely unpredictable reactions of an abusive partner.