Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

His family are brutal. Passive aggressive narcissistic bullies so it's easy to see where he's learned his trade

My eldest has already said his life would be over if me and his dad divorced

Do you see the connection here? Every day you stay you are increasing the chance that your children grow up to be like their father. You are not helping your children by staying.

The process of getting away will be shit. The whole moving house, job, school thing will be bloody pain. The divorce process will be grim.

All that is temporary though. Afterwards you will be sitting in your lovely peaceful home, feeling relaxed and happy, which will improve your relationship with your children.

No-one will ever shine a torch in your eyes at night again, you will never have to see teh evil smirk over dinner again.

Eye on the prize heart. The sooner you get started on the shit part, the sooner you will be in your new happy life.

He's probably keeping you too exhausted to make the change. Recognise that and use it to find extra reserves in yourself to make the moves.

If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off.
Sounds like a good result to me. Gets him out of your face faster. Are you afraid of physical violence following if you refuse to take part?

You are being held hostage. I know that feeling.

You must leave him, you know that.

You will reclaim your life, the kids will be fine, his abuse will become a bad memory.

Start getting your ducks in a row.

Just read your latest update. Please, please don't think people won't believe you. These abusers are clever and talk a good talk, but Health Care Professional or anyone with any safe guarding training will see through this.

I know money is a big worry, but don't let this stop you leaving, it really will work out ok. It's better to be poor but feeling safe than living in constant fear and dread.

If you have sons you are teaching them it’s ok to treat women like this.

If you have daughters you are teaching them it’s ok tone treat like this.

You’re in a process of producing bullies or victims for the rest of their lives.

Or you could leave and show them that it really isn’t ok!

Firstly you’re not being dramatic, this is terrible abuse and you need to leave. Things will fall into place for you, don’t let his hold over you determine your future with your children. If anything contact the police and ask for protection. I really hope you escape from him

I went through this hell...it is a post I could have written 7years ago.

Please contact Women's Aid...they will help you!

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

You have to put yourself first.
These type are dangerous and you need to get out.
Make a plan to leave.
Don't even think of fighting over finances and divorce at the moment
You need a solicitor at some point who deals with domestic violence cases...Womens Aid can help you with this in the long term.

In the short term You need to leave. I was fortunate that I had a friend who let me stay with them for a month until I was able to get accommodation.

Please be brave and try and get some emotional strength from somewhere to leave him.

Yes a sol who understands dv is an absolute must. I went to a couple without dv understanding and they just didn't get it. At. All.
I got a good sol through a dv worker who supported me.

People will believe you. You will not have to cover up his appalling behaviour any more. You will live in peace.

I do. My life and my children's life is immeasurably better than if we'd stayed.

I got out of an EA marriage 8 months ago. My dc were 4 and 10 - it was difficult in the few month following and I was worried for my 10yo ds the most as he was about to start secondary school etc and I just thought it couldn't have been a worse time for him. But you know what? The dc are 100000x happier now - if I ask my ds whether he wants his dad to come back it is a resounding NO. This past 8 months feels like my life has started finally and I was with him for 21 years (together since 18). Our house is a peaceful haven, I've shown my dc that nobody has to accept anything but being treated with respect - it is a very important lesson. I just feel shit that I let my ds live for 10 years like that. I rang WA and then I gained momentum, then I rang the police and reported him for controlling and coercive behaviour while he was out at work. Then I rang his family and told them that if they didn't get him out TODAY I would press charges. When he got in from work I told him he had to leave now or the police would get him out as they had backed me up. He left. It was the scariest thing I have EVER done OP. I thought he might kill me or something. But he didn't, he left - once a bully is knocked down to size they are really just pathetic little cowards. I then went to my GP and got it recorded on my medical records and they referred me to a domestic abuse service who supported me through the practicalities (also this meant that if he tried to make me look bad with the authorities they would see that I took action first to protect my children). 8 months on and he sees the dc a couple of times a week, he tows the line and we get on ok on a superficial level. If he tries any shit with me I just cut him off - he is never going to treat me like that ever again. If I can do this - you can too. There is loads of help out there - get your dc away from this toxic environment before they are too Damaged and either end up just like him or allow their adult relationships to be influenced by yours. Good luck

What would happen if you stopped being so nice? What would happen if you mouthed silently 'Fucking Loser', at him next time he mildly annoyed you? What would happen if you got a flashlight and shone it in his face at three in the morning...just because you can..?
What would happen?
Coercive control is against the law. Your husband is breaking the law. Its a criminal act and he has to be stopped. Your children are learning some seriously awful lessons and don't think they don't see what's going on. They do. And they are suffering an abusive childhood as a direct consequence.
What would I do given the circumstances ?
I would get myself down to the nearest police station or Women's Aid Centre and make a formal complaint citing the recent laws on coercive control. You'll find that the police are very, very kind, very helpful and completely on the ball and expert in these matters.
They have specially trained officers totally familiar with the current legislation and too, the criminal psychology of perpetrators like your husband.
There is nothing to be frightened of by telling them your story. There is everything to be terrified of if you don't.
Please, please be brave and tell the police. They will help you.

OP I second that ^ the police were really helpful and supported me all the way. They removed him once when he came round kicking off. They know their stuff.

What about something discreet like this to catch him doing that kind of thing?

OP here are some links that may help you to start planning. They relate to leaving someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder but the tips are equally applicable for leaving a severe emotional abuse situation.

Key points are:

• prepare and hide it because once he gets a sense you might be leaving and mean it, things will change
• make sure you have copies of all important documents and they are stored outside of the house
• make sure you are in possession of key original documents (your passport, children's passport, your birth certificate, children's birth certificates) and if you leave, take them with you.
• photographs of the house and valuable assets if any are a good idea. ("We never owned a Picasso, I don't know what she is talking about. She's lost her mind.")

thenarcissisticlife.com/6-steps-on-how-to-leave-the-narcissist/

www.meganholgate.com/2017/08/19/divorcing-a-narcissist-husband/

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201605/13-essential-tips-if-you-are-divorcing-narcissist

samvak.tripod.com/abuse21.html (Sam Vaknin claims to be person with NPD and plenty of people would caution about his site or his advice - so approach it with this in mind)

Oh and if you are looking at this site or these links from a computer in your home or your phone, please make sure you are deleting your search history regularly or have devices set up to stop storing history.

If that would be unusual, do the searching and reading on these topics first, delete and then do some random internet browsing that you would normally do so there isn't a gap in the history.

Thank you all so much for your advice it means the world. He's totally on the warpath today and out the house at the moment but due back any minute. He's angry because he wanted me to go back to work full time and still expects the house to be perfect, his socks, pants to be washed and shirts ironed. Basically they aren't always as I don't get time anymore. He goes crazy about this. Interesting what you all say about the kids. I assumed I'd ruin their lives by divorcing their dad. I know my eldest will be so upset as he hates change

You should leave and don’t look back. I was in a abusive and controlling relationship a few years ago. We went on holiday and he locked me in our hotel room with no water or food and no phone in our room for me to phone down to reception. He used to beat me, almost breaking my nose and jaw at one point. I finally thought to myself I can’t stay in this relationship so I plucked up the courage while he was out packed my bags and left!! Best thing I ever did.. Please get out of this ‘marriage’ you’ll be so much happier and in a much better place!

Interesting so many of you say to go to police. I did worry that by doing that I'd jeopardise his career? Would he get arrested? I don't want to ruin his life and I don't want to make the kids sad if they see him get in to trouble. Also if he wasn't able to earn money it would impact the kids too.

Shelley that's awful. He's never hurt me badly. A few shoves and a whack in the stomach because I need kicked him by accident in the shin lying in bed when I turned. He blocks my exit very frequently, if we are arguing he towers over me and gesticulates frantically when talking when looks quite aggressive. He won't do this in front of friends etc but ok infront of strangers. He's often horrible to people in shops/ service if he doesn't get his own way

Firstly, don’t worry about the finances or divorce, you can deal that once you’ve got yourself and your dc out of there. That’s the most important thing. I left my EA ex with a bin bag worth of clothes and my car and that was it - it was the best thing I ever did!

See a solicitor for a free half hour consultation and speak to Womens Aid. You need the get yourself and your dc out asap

Do you want your sons to "learn his trade"? - get them all out of there pdq. Big challenge I know, but has to be done.

Thanks thebluedog. The relative I've told is adamant I should stay put and he should leave. I'm dreading telling the kids. I'm so soft I can't bear it when they cry. I think I'm an empath so him being a narcissist must have seen me coming a mile off

The saving grace with the kids is they hardly see him at all during the week as he's away/ working really late. So far they seem to be quite empathic . Husband and his family no empathy either . V scornful and hard faced

I doubt you’ll get him to leave, my ex wouldn’t have done. Sometimes it’s far better to cut your losses, for the sake of your dc and your own sanity. Yes the kids may be upset, but I bet they will be far happier out of that toxic environment. Kids pick up everything and they will be learning how to treat women from how your dh treats you.

I'm so sorry you live this life. What a nasty man he is.

Is he happy living this way... constantly criticising?

What if after one of his sermons, you say you can't change and you would be better splitting so he can find someone better for him.

With a tongue in cheek "Sorry, I'm not the wife you want"

I'd be tempted to smile when he mouths his nastiness to you.. throw him off balance a bit.

Leaving is better for you and the DC... otherwise this is their normal.

Do they ever see him being nasty?

That's actually a great idea sandy y2k. I might just do that and say " obviously in your opinion I'm fundamentally lacking in the traits you require in a wife and I don't particularly want to try to learn to be something I'm not so it's best all round if we call it a day".

I could've written this exact post 10 years ago OP. Please plan your escape. Men like this never change, but will often throw you a few crumbs when you pull them up on their behaviour, only to revert to type shortly afterwards. He will never change, and if you don't get away, from him, you will find yourself a few years down the line, wondering where your life went.

I opened a separate account and started to put a little money away each month. I eventually had enough for a few months rent on my own place and I left. I have never regretted it for a second. I only wish I'd left sooner. Good luck