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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

735 replies

Heartisbroken2 · 05/11/2017 10:52

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 08/01/2018 21:58

Thanks for your kind words and wishes. Things are ticking along and I’m trying to keep my chin up. It’s not easy. X

OP posts:
Sunnydays78 · 08/01/2018 23:49

Really good to hear from you. I've been thinking about you. Christmas was always a very difficult time with my ex. Chin up lovely lady you'll get there.

Elusiveone · 09/01/2018 00:07

My ex husband did this to me for years. He took all my money and my bankcard. He went away at weekends and left me with my dd with nothing. I had to hide food so when he went away we could eat. One weekend he went away and this was not work just a women he met online. So i called womens aid and took dd and left him and was placed in a refuge. This was ten years ago now and im really happy now. Not spoks to him for many years and he dosent know where i am. But it does get better please leave him you dont deserve that crap hes doing to you ever. You will get help and support

tinatsarina · 17/01/2018 22:41

How are you OP? I hope you're getting things together to get out.

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 28/01/2018 15:22

Sorry I didn't properly reply to this but he's seen the thread. Some time ago he told me he'd read it. So I've been worried about reposting . He wasn't angry but said it was one sided and I should remove. If I'm honest I'm no further forward . Not with anything

OP posts:
angstinabaggyjumper · 28/01/2018 18:39
Flowers
NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 28/01/2018 21:31
Flowers

Leaving is not easy.

What would you like to do next OP? How can we help you?

rollingonariver · 28/01/2018 22:35

He's taken away your only support network as well. You can't tell people in real life and you can't get help online. He sounds a charm.

HelenUrth · 29/01/2018 00:05

Suggest that instead of you removing your thread that he post his own?

But you can see from all the responses you have received that neither he nor you should think there is any acceptable excuse for his behaviour. I hope that is of some comfort to you and will eventually spur you on to set boundaries of what you're prepared to accept and move on if these boundaries are crossed. You can tell him this works both ways. Everyone has their limit as to what they can cope with in a relationship.

MotherofaSurvivor · 29/01/2018 00:11

I think you've become so beaten down, abused and despondent that you have some form of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and you are so used to being abused that you can't imagine any other life.
Just my perception...
Totally fine and completely your prerogative if there was just you.
But what about your children being raised by this monster? Boys tend to emulate their father's treatment of women. If they stay there a moment longer then they will become HIM

overduemamma · 29/01/2018 00:27

If he has seen this thread does he realise how much of a bellend he is? Has he altered his actions in anyway? X

tinatsarina · 29/01/2018 18:43

He wouldn't. He's already said it's one sided.

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 30/01/2018 16:07

I've had to have so much time off lately with kids' appointments and their sick days. He never takes time off to deal with him because he earns more than me. So I deal with the hideous mental load of being a shit mother and not doing a good job. The strain of letting everyone down is getting too much. Today for the first time ever he took one child to appointment and there was huge waiting times . I got emails going mental about it being beyond a joke clearly letting me feel his wrath. I now feel sick st the thought of seeing him at home. It'll be slammed doors and stuff getting thrown about shouting and swearing whilst I sit there wishing myself as far away from this as possible. He might read this but I'm beyond caring

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 30/01/2018 16:14

And no surprise he doesn't want to "fucking well speak to me." I hate this.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/01/2018 16:17

Op

You have a choice. Do not think you don’t ever have a choice.

Your daily experiences are not normal and the will never improve.

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 30/01/2018 16:23

I've been at work all day then I have this to look forward too

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/01/2018 16:27

Op

You don’t have to tolerate this though.

You could tell your employer
You could ring SS
You could call WA

In the interests of your safety you should get this thread deleted too

QuiteLikely5 · 30/01/2018 16:30

I wonder if he broke your resolve by being mr nice guy again?!

Is that what ruined your determination?

Unfortunately there is a lesson here for you somewhere and if you stay well that means you won’t learn the lesson?!

That he is dysfunctional and will continue to be so.

He’s never going to stay as mr nice

HappyLollipop · 30/01/2018 16:39

You need to leave him very soon he sounds like he's getting increasingly unhinged. how long will it be until the verbal and emotional abuse escalates in to physical violence? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Do you want you children to treat their partners like this or think this is an acceptable way to be treated? Is there anyway you can gather up some money and go and stay with family? I understand things are hard with a poorly child but it's so important for you and your children to get out of there ASAP.

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 30/01/2018 16:43

It's odd behaviour to blame someone for waiting times though admittedly I was a bit out with my appointment time I gave him. Think 30 mins but he should have read the letter or phoned himself my head is bursting with appointments dates and times for school stuff kids and Work . He blamed me for delay too. He doesn't value me does he

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 30/01/2018 17:00

Sadly no OP he doesn't value you at all and never will, what effect does this have on your dcs?

I am sure you worry about that enormously...please just go, you have a job you don't need him...

I am sorry OP

MotherofaSurvivor · 30/01/2018 17:08

He is a ticking time bomb lovey.

If you want to PM me I've been in a similar situation and I know all of your options including the single parenting aspect and what is available to you. At least that isn't public. Offer is there. Whenever you need to x

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 30/01/2018 17:11

Hi thx all ... nice not being alone with this . Mother in what way time bomb? I don't think he'll blow physically . He's such a coward he could never face the consequences of his actions by allowing physical proof

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 30/01/2018 17:19

Don't know whether you ever got through to Women's Aid but if you're still struggling to get through on the national number try this instead. If you scroll down this page www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ until you get to 'Search by region or local authority' and select your area it will give you contact details for your local service. They're not usually 24hr but they do tend to be easier to get through to when they are open.

hooliodancer · 30/01/2018 17:27

Please try to get away.

I was the child of an emotional abuser.

It has blighted my life and I ended up hating both parents. Him for the abuse, which indirectly affected me. Her for not leaving.

I couldn't wait to get away from home and the whole situation. It broke my heart that she was controlled and abused and couldn't go.

Even in his 80's he was the same, though by then he was threatening to kill her.

Just before she died, she told me she didn't know what happy meant.

Please don't let yourself become a woman like my mother. You have time to save yourself and become happy.