Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Oh my love.

STOP. Just STOP.

That is the answer. It's THAT simple.

STOP answering the phone when he calls
STOP going back home when he tells you to
STOP trying to please someone who is inventing anger to hurt you
STOP letting a 13yo confine you to a death by a thousand cuts

Never ever let yourself forget what he has done and who he is until you are free of him. Write a list (here if need be, or somewhere he cant access - on your phone or something)

He has
HIT you for no good reason
MOUTHED Fucking Bitch
WAKES you up deliberatly - so often that you actually CAN'T SLEEP properly now.
GRILLS you for HOURS/DAYS about a trip to the SUPERMARKET
KNOCKS on the TOILET DOOR if you are there for longer than a minute ffs
He STONEWALLS and punishes you. Silent Treatment is one of the worst psychologically damaging tactics used by abusers.

Your H is breaking the law. He is killing you slowly. WORSE, your son will grow up to take over from him and will abuse YOU and then any partner HE HAS.

YOU are the only hope your family has. Get out of this, get your kids out of this, and if you can get the pets out. YOU and the kids are the priority here. IN THAT ORDER TOO. Don't let the pets stop you from saving your kids.

I just long for that lovely cosy feeling, chatting with my kids, watching telly or going for a walk knowing I'm safe, loved and the world is our oyster.

That's the life I have now. I HAD your life. In the end, MN helped me see that I had to get out and get my son out. We've been free for 7 years now. My son blossomed in 4-5 days following his dad leaving. The air was fresh and free, I was able to breathe. Locking the front door at night knowing he wasn't coming back was so satisfying.

I've finally met a man who is literally everything and more than I could ever have imagined. I love him completely. He's not perfect, but neither am i. I know that he worships the ground I walk on and that I am finally loved, safe and my future with him is secure and happy.

Please, be brave. Get yourself advice on how to leave, don't ever stop until you get out of this. It could be possible that you leave him and the house and put a charge on the property so that in the event that he sells it, you get your share. Get legal advice on your situation. DON'T GIVE UP TRYING TO LEAVE

Can you talk to someone at work?
tell your boss about what's going on and if they can give references or something to help you get a place on your own for you and the kids? ASK EVERYONE WHO CAN HELP TO DO SO.

REMEMBER THIS: Abusers and Bullies are COWARDS. They back down if you stand your ground. So Stop letting him bully you. If you want to have a wee FGS, have one. If he knocks on the door tell him you are having a wee and will take whatever it takes to have that wee. My Ex was terrifying, but when he really crossed lines and I stood up for myself he backed off every single time.

Switch your phone OFF when you are out and about, or at work. Make sure School and important people have your landline number at work. You could get another phone, but it could get nasty if he finds it.

"I've been shopping, there is the receipt. Subject closed"

He hits you again? Report it to the police. You need to get a trail of evidence against him, potentially it can help you ENORMOUSLY.

It's a simple process. STOP putting up with this abuse, make the choice to live better.

Is it EASY? Hell no, it's the hardest thing you have ever done, because he's worn you down to nothing. But once you have made the break you will see that it really WAS that simple. That you were scared, but you had no choice and your life now will only ever get better.

If you stay with him, your life will only ever get worse. However bad it is this week/month will never be again, it will be worse and worse because he gets a perverse feed from making you suffer. The more he does it, the more he needs to do it. All the while your 13yo is learning how to treat you and any other woman for that matter.

Your posts have made me shudder. You CAN do this. I don’t have much more to add I’m afraid, but keep posting. I wrote a list in a time-line fashion....
You’re so much stronger than you think you are. Please, you’re worth so much more than this. God, I could punch him one. Thinking of you.

Your kids will work out why you left mine did and she's only 8 and they will respect you for it longer term This is so true. The long term impact of being in this sort of environment, i.e potential trust issues etc, should not be under estimated. I feel my home (v controlling dada, submissive mum) experience contributed to my underlying low confidence, which in turn made me easy to be controlled by the narcicist that I then suffered for 2 years. On the surface I am a picture of confidence, but the scars run deep. I have serious trust issues and have worked hard over the years to recover my once fragile self esteem.

All around are people going about their lives never guessing what's going on. I feel like I'm being held hostage and I want to ask someone to help me.
You have made a start, you are speaking the truth, acknowledging what your gut has been telling you for years; so much so that you have bravely began to talk.

Sorry for dramatic wording
It really isn't dramatic; it's a nightmarish situation. Well done for taking the first step, which is coming here, and looking outside of your prison for help.

Single parenting isn't a walk in the park, but I chose it over a bad relationship any day. Being mum is the most rewarding, empowevering job in the world and you will find your feet.

To echo other posters, this man is not good for you and MUST go.

xxxx

I think my plan is to contact WA which I haven't been able to do yet today but intend to.

Get some advice on how I can stay here
Stay here till I've sorted something else. Think about whether I continue with my job or find something in the other location.
The few times I've intimidated to his mum that he's not treating me well and we may not end up staying together she's said that I should stay with him as it will mess up the kids' lives if we were to separate. I really really hope that's not true

No its not true.

As I said in my previous post, in the end I left for the kids.

His mum MADE HIM... she would say that wouldn't she.

You have a whole load of strangers here who have walked in your shoes - both worse versions and better versions - who have got out and ALL of them say they are a million times better than they ever imagined.

I have worked with hundreds of victims of abuse, I have done the freedom programme and been on here for years.

NOT ONE WOMAN I HAVE EVER HEARD OF HAS EVER REGRETTED LEAVING HER ABUSER.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WILL SAY THEIR KIDS ARE BETTER OFF AND HAPPIER NOW THEY ARE NO LONGER IN AN ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLD

Sorry to shout, but I know what living with a crappy arsehole like him does to your head.

As soon as you get out by the way, that spaghetti head stops too :D

^ This
You will not believe the relief the first night you are FREE.
Have courage, faith and absolute belief that you’re doing the right thing. Please.

It all feels impossible to make changes whilst you're in that situation OP - I understand. Things are so bad that you cannot risk them being worse. But don't forget what you can achieve without him around - telling you how useless you are. And if you leave it any longer, even more self esteem will ebb away.

I had meals out like the one you describe, with him mouthing abuse. During one meal with our kids my ex muttered menacingly that he hoped I would choke (because I held my ground and wouldn't give the last piece of my food). I now go out for fewer meals, because yes cash is tighter, but guess what - I haven't had a single meal since where my dining companions threaten me! I had a takeaway alone the other night and it was 100 times more relaxed and pleasant than the most lavish evening out with him.

You have (through absolutely no fault of your own) started to believe life can't be better. It absolutely can and will be. Surround yourself with people who buoy up your confidence, seek legal advice and make the change. Your children will be happier too, I know it. Good luck

All I will add is stick to your guns and actually go ahead with the split. Your eldest's GCSE's will be upon you before you know it, and they need the time to settle beforehand.

Finallymadeupmymind you've just hit the nail on the head there. I'm terrified by leaving I'll make things worse. That the kids will cry every night, they will hate the place we live in. I guess I just have to take the chance. It's like diving off the highest diving board ever
He can be quite relentless when we've argued in the past he's phoned repeatedly and then turns up at work being all nice, sending flowers etc. Funny just thinking of the time I was in hospital after an op which required a GA but day patient I told him I'd phone when I could be picked up but he turned up when I'd just been wheeled back to my room trying to gather all my things. The nurses were so unimpressed. He was so cross I wasn't ready to go . He was furious I'd taken so long. The op was only meant to be short but it had taken longer and I had to wait as there were other patients too

Thing is I'm not even bothered about finding anyone else. I just want to enjoy my kids in peace

Get RL support . Keep trying WA.

Make a careful plan with their help and execute it

Say NOTHING to your husband . Don’t argue back or disagree more than you usually do. The riskiest time for you and the children is around the time you leave.

Do NOT threaten him with anything - the police, divorce, telling anyone. You need to get you and get kids out safely .

It is impossible to negotiate a amicable split with a man like this, don’t even think about trying to discuss or rationalise with him. You will put you and the kids at risk.

Keep posting here, as long as you are sure he can’t access your internet history .

Make sure all your data is stored on the cloud and not on your phone .

We're all telling you that life goes on and gets WAYYYYYY better, that we find love, and families and happiness, because - remember - we've all had the euphoria of getting free fade and the adrenaline wear off (takes a few months, but it does

You find yourself in a place where you are in your new routine, free, no abuse, no drama, no sick pit of the stomach feeling, and the doubt creeps in. You worry if you are damaged beyond repair (you aren't), you worry if you will be alone forever (up to you, no reason for you to be if you don't want to be)

At the place you are now, you can't see the wood for the trees. You can only dream of freedom. When he isn't there you get a taste of it. Imagine that feeling every day. It's there, all you have to do is take a deep breath and a single step in the right direction.

Once you have made that first step, then comes the next. A million times easier, then repeat.

Your life has been stolen by this weak and pathetic little man. Time to take it back, but in your own quiet way, so that you and yours can get free quickly and safely.

It is like diving off the high board.

I visualised myself standing on a beach with the biggest and most powerful wave in the world bearing down on me. I had no choice but to go through it. I had the truth. the truth of who he was and what he was and that I would never be happy with him. I saw that truth as a mast for me to cling to as my life depended on it.

The wave crashed, the day came when he left me, and I breathed free air the other side. 3 days later I saw the first signs of relaxed happiness and an overall improvement in the demeanour of my then 5yo son.

We've not looked back, he and I are absolutely rock solid.

The truth shall set you free.

That was what I had on a loop in my head :D

Kris1na1

I thought it was worse in the cloud because he could get my messages on the iPad etc. He doesn't check stuff as much anymore. He used to read me Facebook messages to friends almost in real time from remote locations. I once wrote something to a friend (female) and he phoned five minutes later accusing me of having an affair. The phone calls went on for hours it was awful
I forgot I also can't park my car at a different angle as he thinks someone else has been driving it, if the cups are put away differently or if I've changed the bedding all of this means I'm having an affair!!

Sorry for bringing up all these examples

Don’t apologise, it’s your thread, yu can bring up as many examples as you want.

You need to make sure he doesn’t have any of your passwords. Or at least you know which ones he has and which ones he reads. Then you can use that to lay a false trail .

You need to take copies or at least photos of documemhs and store safely ( not in you house ). If he suspects anything he’s likely to check your phone or take it and destroy any precious photos you have .

Please, you need to leave this man ASAP. For you, for your children.
They will be so much happier and so will you, I promise. Call Women’s aid on repeat until you get them. Take their advice but you need to get out of there ASAP.
Hopefully you can keep your job - they will help you.
This man is violently emotionally abusing you and I would expect him to hurt you physically at some point soon ( and yes a shove and a whack is physical abuse). The fact he stands outside the toilet and was annoyed you were not ready after an operation made me feel physically sick. Please leave this man. Ignore his mother, leaving him will be the BEST thing you can do for your kids. Be brave

I'm not a saint. I'm moody sometimes, I can go quiet and can be a weird mix of sociable and almost dread socialising. I am a bit depressed sometimes, I cry easily and I panic when things go wrong. I'm not perfect. I don't want to paint this picture that I'm a completely perfect angel

What I mean is he tells me I'm draining to live with , hard work.

Don't apologise for bringing up examples OP if it is helping to you to talk about it and make your decisions.

This:

I forgot I also can't park my car at a different angle as he thinks someone else has been driving it, if the cups are put away differently or if I've changed the bedding all of this means I'm having an affair!!

Reminded me of that film Sleeping With The Enemy. Have you seen it? Julia Roberts is the wife of an evil abusing controlling man who she tries to flee from as she is in physical danger.

It should tell you something that your examples are on a level included in a film about abuse.

The toilet example really freaked me out it's so controlling.

I think the problem in these situations is you lose your sense of normality - your base line gets re-set so you think a tiny bit of civility or kindness is a gift when that should be your day to day experience with a partner.

Moody? Of course you are fucking moody! You would be a freak of the highest order if you weren't moody in the face of all this shit!

As for depressed sometimes, I cry easily and I panic when things go wrong Well of course you are like this! Anyone would be if subjected to all that carry on over Facebook messages, parking, mugs, long lectures etc.

How could he say with a straight face he tells me I'm draining to live with , hard work. He is the drain, he is the hard work!

You are reacting in a cowed way to his behaviour. Like he is some kind of all powerful god.

You know you could choose to change the passwords on Facebook, park the car crazy ways, leave the bed unmade, refuse to listen to his lectures, hang up on him, walk off when he starts?

Do you think he knows it's wrong? It's weird because I feel sad when I think of him. I'm sure he's just a lonely soul deep down that doesn't know how to love. He's never been able to express worry, fear or sadness as a child. Keep a lid on it, that's what his mum says. Now he has all this anger. He's such a lost cause. I could cry for him in a way

But I think I'm feeling like this because I keep imagining him standing alone without anyone.

He won’t be alone, because he has his family and friends. You said he is charming and everyone things he is great, so he is obviously very popular. So don’t worry about him. You need to save all your energy for planning how you and the kids get out.