Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

He's back. All smiles and positivity. Acting like nothing ever happened

www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

Here's some advice on acquiring a new Birth Certificate OP, in case asking for it will cause an argument.

to OP and everyone else sharing their stories, I too have endured those types of tirades where literally everything about you is picked apart and rubbished. I can't tell you how relieving it is not to be belittled and shouted at every day now.

How could life as a single mum possibly be any harder than this hell you are living in?

And he is gaslighting you too btw.

Thanks so much to you all of you. For taking the time :to read what I've written, to understand what I'm saying, for telling me the truth, and, for making me see that there is hope and that the kind of life I've day-dreamed about is possible. Some people dream of wealth, Job success, a new car, to meet a famous celeb. I just long for that lovely cosy feeling, chatting with my kids, watching telly or going for a walk knowing I'm safe, loved and the world is our oyster.

Well done for acknowledging that you need to leave him. This is deeply disturbing it really is. You say he's never been violent but earlier on in the thread you said he hit you in the stomach. He's physically and psychologically abusing you. You are in the situation where staying with him isn't an option AND informing him that you are leaving him as you are in severe danger. You need to fully prepare yourself and leave when he is out. Can you stay with family?

Sounds like you are being gas lighted, do you question your sanity and feel like an utterly disgusting person and you can’t pinpoint why?

Relationship Therapy if he’s willing, but most of the time the only thing to do is to LTB, which is something I don’t have a direct experience of that relates to yours.

I am always sad when I hear of another going through this. It’s so undeserving and unfair xxx

Being single is so much better than being in a relationship like this. Your friends situation is different, if her relationship was ok, it's understandable she'll miss what she once had.

I'm won't lie, it does get lonely sometimes as a single Mum, particularly in the early days. But once you begin to heal and start finding yourself again, you'll start to enjoy the independence and being able to relax in your own home.

You massively minimised the violence. Be very careful leaving. He is telling you in many ways that he will be even more violent than he has been already if you don't obey.

But it was more shoving , prodding not being careful and an arm whacking in to me. Not serious punching/slapping etc. No marks, no bruising. I feel a bit of a fraud if I say he's been seriously violent. It's not nice admittedly but I find the emotional and verbal abuse harder to bear

I used to find the emotional abuse the hardest. I actually used to secretly wish he'd hit me as I felt then I'd be justified in leaving him (this gives you an idea of my state of mind at the time).

Stop minimising the violence. Decent human beings don't physically hurt those they are supposed to love.
He's not thumping you YET as the methods he's using are keeping you in line. Be careful OP. if he finds out you plan to end this relationship things may change suddenly.

I've only read up to where you said he has hidden your birth certificate. I just wanted to say it's pretty straightforward to get a new one. You can order online.

Police is a good port of call OP - he sounds like a right controlling bastard - some police work in partnership with agencies who support people in domestic abuse relationships in a really discreet manner - whatever you do seek the help you need - go for it and stay safe x

Well done for posting on here, OP. You've started the process of separating from him and starting your wonderful new, free life!

Remember that you don't have to do it all at once. Just little steps. A bit here and a bit there. It will all add up.

You could start by getting another copy of your birth certificate.
You could contact Women's Aid.
You can look for a good solicitor and make an appointment.

Good luck with it all.

never ever undertake relationship therapy with an abuser - please don't.

Jesus , it’s heartbreaking to read so many stories like this.. and these are just the ones we hear about. What on earth is wrong with these “ men”?! OP please please don’t stay for a single minute longer .

and who cares whether you bruise or not - that is irrelevant! Accidental prodding or shoving - sorry but nope. He knows what he is doing and there is nothing accidental about what he is doing. And even if he was not a violent, abusive, gaslighting, bullying narcissist - you could still leave him at any time you wanted, you do know this right?

I had all of those 'little signs of violence'. As I said, walking past me and barging my shoulder, not being careful, whacking. I did bruise but they were easily explainable. Everything he did apart from one thing, could have been passed off as an accident. I actually wrote on here that I wished he would hit me. Like you, I meant properly. He probably would have done eventually, but my head was so done in that I couldn't go on anymore. It's still the best thing I ever did for me and the dc and not ten minutes ago ds2 (20s) were chatting about some if it and he said to me, well done for doing it Mum, so glad you got away.

RyVeeta, so good to hear that your adult dc are supportive.
OP please leave as soon as you can

He's already breaking the law. Coercion is against the law.

Get yourself to a solicitor tell them everything. Then take it from there.

My ex was a narcissist. Sounds like you suspect he is. They are hollow shells of beings with no sense of consequence so yes you need to arm yourself legally and with the backing of the police. You might get lucky and he might shit himself and co-operate (mine eventually did but it took several months) or he might fight it. (Read lollipops threads) if he is the latter type the legal support is going to be really important and I would suggest you do get yourself those 200 miles away.

In the meantime get any documents you can together. You can order a new birth certificate if you need to.

The job and school this stuff doesn't matter right now, take legal advice then decide how you want to play the split. Stay or go. (I went, I couldn't take it anymore)

Would it be awful if I told him to leave the house or I'd threaten to inform police? I really want to stay here whilst I get us organised.

OP I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned but you might find it easier to get through to your local Women's Aid/DV service than the national number. Scroll down this page www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ until you get to 'search by region or local authority' and that will give you details for your area. They tend to only be open certain hours but it's still often easier to get through than the 24hr national number.

You need to get organised and seek advice ASAP. Simply asking him to leave may escalate things. You need proper legal and financial advice.

I honestly wouldn't recommend asking him to leave until you've had some advice, you'll be putting yourself in a really vulnerable position.

As pp have said, give the local branch of women's aid a call tomorrow. I think you'll feel more confident once you know what your options are.