Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Heart I wouldn't say that, I wouldn't say anything that will potentially wind him up that could put you in danger. I've read your updates and seen he has been physically abusive in the past - you need to get away now. If reporting him damages his career, so be it... it's HIS fault not yours. He made a choice to behave in an abusive way so will have to deal with the consequences of that.

I know it's hard to distance yourself emotionally and stop thinking you can change things. I've been here, it took me about 10 years until I realised none of it was my fault.

With regards to your family member saying you should stay put, they're probably saying that as they're worried about you losing your home. But if I really think you need to just get out. He'll never agree to an amicable split, if you tell him you want to end it while you're both in the house he'll make your life hell.

It's tough to walk away, but honestly it's worth it to be somewhere safe and calm where you can relax away from all this. Please seek some help

I also came on here to say that you feel as though you are a hostage because this is exactly what you are - you have no say in anything.

I would speak to a solicitor and one with Dv experience will be essential. Mine said they got this but totally didn't. My x very clever manipulated whole process- I was too emotionally distraught to think straight and this was used against me.

Funnily enough I attended mediation with someone trained in hostage situations.

It shouldn't be you leaving the family home especially with 4 kids but it will depend on your DH - how important is his professional reputation to him - im not sure I would try and stand up to him just yet or change your behaviour - he may notice a change in you. You want to try and keep things very much as they are but minimising his impact on you as best you can until you have consulted with WA etc.

I never thought I would be subject to EA - I thought I was pretty switched on - but mine was subtle - from the outside it looked like I had a perfect life. My x had an affair - he had 6 months to get his plan together and I am still trying to catch up even though divorce has gone through.

Only you will know what is right for you and your kids and how much more you can handle. Knowing you have support here and that there is support out there also may give you the strength to keep going just that bit longer so you are acting from a position of clear and deliberate action rather than out of fear and wanting to get the hell out. Good luck op

I'm a bit of a literalist and not the most practical so that means I struggle with picturing what needs to be done. I need it broken in to steps

1. find somewhere to stay with kids( concern is we have animals too and worry he's not responsible to look after them. Also if I flit back to family we are a few hundred miles away so they'd have to start a new school immediately with no chance to say goodbye- I also would have to leave my job and any access to money ) if I go should I tell him I'm going or just go when he's out? I'm working crazy hours at work at the moment and have a couple of major projects coming up which I'd like to get through

2. contact police? I'm not sure what will happen if I do this or what the objective is. If it strengthens my case in a divorce settlement it might be worth doing but equally if he's not earning he can't pay maintenance to the kids.

3. get solicitor and sort finances. He has hidden my birth certificate.

4. maybe I should take any files/ documents?

It makes me so sad to think this is happening/ has happened to so many women ( and of course men too). I say to him sometimes " if I stood on my head it wouldn't be good enough for you?" Nothing is ever good enough. Sorry I keep spouting examples of stuff he's done I just can't get over it. It's like I'm in shock I've put up with it so long. I never should have married him. He's a spoilt child that likes his own way. The trouble is when you comply with his wishes he can be very rewarding to be around. His mum is the same as long as you toe the line. I told her once after a glass of wine that he'd called me names and wasn't v nice to me and she laughed and so there's no such thing as a bully only weak people that don't stand up for themselves

Looking at your list, first thing you need to do is get some help. If you can, get in touch with a DA support agency. Or if you decide to contact the Police, they'll put you in touch with one. Agency will help you with finding somewhere secure and safe for you and the children to live or they'll be able to get you specialist DA legal advice to get a restraining order and get him out for a period of time to he'll get yourself sorted.

If you want to PM me and let me know what area you're in, I don't mind looking into what support is available locally to you. As I said, I've been there and can't stand to see anyone in this situation and not knowing where to turn.

Heart I wouldn't say that, I wouldn't say anything that will potentially wind him up that could put you in danger. I've read your updates and seen he has been physically abusive in the past

I agree with VioletCharlotte. Don't wind him up - there is no point and may put you in physical danger.

If you have tolerated this abuse for so long, you probably are so ground down that even if you manage to "talk back" you won't have the continuing emotional capital that allows you to deal with what follows from him.

If you want to leave, you need to prepare for that first.

He has never really physically hurt me. The odd thing but nothing major and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. He's more the type that likes to intimidate with his size than actually do anything about it and follow through with action. I don't think I'm in danger in that way. It's more my mental strength that is so low right now. I'm functioning less well than ever and work is so stressful in amongst this going on

I don't think my ex was as bad as your H OP, but I think I was so used to it that it was my normal and in the end I kicked him out when I found proof of his affair. My solicitor explained how horrific the EA was and then I realised it wasn't right and other people didn't live like that.

So, twenty years married and three kids and I got the strength to divorce him and move on. And it was a struggle and tough but so, so much better. I just regret not doing it years earlier. Please be strong.

One of my DD, now adult has traits like her dad, and she can try to control me as he did. She learned this from him. I stand up to her and have firm boundaries. Don't think you are doing right by your kids by staying, The opposite is true.

Here is your local women's aid. It will be easier to get through than the national helpline (tho isw easier to get through on the national helpline at night).

Do get women's aid onside. They will help and support you in all ways, they have the clout, they are the experts.

Yes I've been in your position. I wanted to cling onto people's sleeves in the street and plead for help. I didn't know what was happening to me or how to get out.

I'm happy to say I got out - joy to the world! - with the wonderful help and support of women's aid. They are wonderful.

In the end I got out for my kids xx

How old are your kids op? I'm not surprised your mental strength is suffering - would you consider going on anti depressants to help you?
Maybe a chat with your Gp get it documented anyway. And whichever course of action this would give you a boost.

Confronting him is not a good idea. If he senses you're trying to take your life back he will ramp up the abuse.
IME I blurted out it was over and I was going to live in a hostel. I nearly died that night, more than once. 2 years later I'm still severely truamtised by it. The only saving grace is he got a prison sentence.
Please don't confront him. I wasn't on Mumsnet at the time but I wish I'd had some of advice you've been given. Challenging him right now is not an option.

OP you are massively minimising his behaviour, particularly the physical stuff. Stop covering for him. If he gets arrested and it affects his career those are consequences of HIS actions not yours.
Please take steps to make you and your DC safe. I am so so sorry you have had to go through this.

traumatised*

Greenberet. I've been on anti depressants for years now. Kids are between 7 and 13

I would advise you speaking to Women's Aid, your GP, school and police. You do want his DV on record due to ongoing contact issues. And him shoving you and towering over you and intimidating is DV as is namecalling and all the rest. Do you want this animal to have unsupervised access to your DC? Please take advise and support immediately to get yourself and your DC away. And also in the longer term look at counselling for yourself so you stop being the empath or rescuer and get yourself on the Freedom Programme too, be it online or in person.

I was on anti depressants for years before I got strong. Within a year of kicking him out I was weaned off them.

You are minimising, but I get that. It isn't a deliberate action, it is because it's your normal and you're a bit de-sensitised. I was like that. Now, because I'm strong again I feel very sad that I was that cowered broken being for so long.

I was you a couple of years ago. You say he'd never hurt you. I used to say that, I didn't realise that the odd shove into the kitchen cupboards, the barging into me as he walked by, the shutting the door on me when I walked in, they were hurting me. They were under the radar, but indicators of more possible violence to come because he was getting away with it. Nothing I could do was right, he'd never did a thing in or out of the house, but still whatever I did wasn't right. Nothing to do with the children either, as in he would talk, educate but not go to parents evenings, concerts, do school runs, packed lunches, teas. Absolutely nothing. He'd wake me up every damned night without fail knowing that I had to be up for the school run. Not caring. He'd rant at me at four in the morning, or play really loud music or have the television on loud. Anything to ensure my sleep was broken. I'd sit outside the house and cry because I didn't want to go in because I didn't know from one minute to the next how he could be. I posted on here for two years before I did anything about it. I flipped one day, I don't know how or why but I did. I called the police. They took him away. I have PTSD as do two of our dc. due to him. But he's gone and it's quiet and it's safe and I'm slowly learning I don't have to run around a shop to get back quickly to pre-empt accusations of affairs. I can go to the loo as soon as I get in without having to be subject to an accusatory investigation or having to hand over my undies for him to check I hadn't been up to anything. I don't sleep well but am told it will come eventually. We're safe though. We can get up in the morning and know we're not going to be yelled out or emotionally eviscerated, or the 101 other emotionally destructive things he would do. Record him ranting on your phone and call the police. The dc will be in a state of panic but once they realise how easy life is with him gone, they'll be fine. Get him out.

He's never hurt me badly. A few shoves and a whack in the stomach because I need kicked him by accident in the shin lying in bed when I turned.

Shoves and "a whack in the stomach" is physical violence OP.
I wouldn't be so sure he'd never hurt you. Please be careful.

Bear in mind what you describe above is the response to an accident. He may react very differently if you act in a way he perceives to be a deliberate challenge to him and his authority. Men like that do not like to lose control and they may act out in any way they can to stop the loss of control.
That can be a simple as stopping you from leaving the house or having access to a phone. And that may be achieved by violence.

I hope you are right and he wouldn't hurt you but I would really advise being very careful and making sure that if you are ever in a situation where you are going to challenge him directly (eg tell him you are leaving/have left) that you are in a safe situation at the time - either with witnesses who can help/protect you OR in a place he can't get to you.

Ryyvita- I have the shops thing too. A mad dash round the supermarket as I know the calls will start " where are you?". If I ignore it just rings and rings and rings. He's usually waiting in the drive way, strides up to the car opens door and says " what on earth took you an hour and a half". I then literally have to give a précis of the weekly shop. This can go on for hours. The constant analysis of my actions. Also the toilet thing too. I get a knock on the door if I'm longer than a minute. He wakes in the night and reaches over to check my hand to make sure I'm not on my phone. I feel guilty and ashamed though I've done nothing wrong

I can so relate to the not sleeping thing. He wakes me up so often I'm like a cat on a hot tin roof waiting for him to wake me. Sometimes the anticipation is worse. The interrogation about something that happened years ago, something inncocuous but it's like he's trying to trip me up

Oh gosh - this sounds so familiar to me too. Especially the sermons and lectures. I would have hours of it when I would try to defend myself before finally agreeing i really was the problem. Then he would sigh and proceed to tell me what I needed to do to fix myself and make me promise to stick to whatever it was he decided i had to do. A few weeks later I could then be lectured again because i couldn't keep up with the promises.

I left a year ago. Best thing I ever did emotionally. Financially it has been hard. I wish i had made him leave and kept the house. But to be honest i needed the change of scene. In particular, my daughter is happier than ever.

You need to screw up all your courage and get this thing done. it won't get better.

Within 2 months of leaving, my anxiety completely cured itself. As did my binge eating and obsessions.

I have a friend who split up with her husband a few years ago. No dv or ea just not compatible anymore . She has kids and often regrets the separation as she said life is so hard as a single Mum. It puts me off when she cries saying she's so lonely. But surely being alone is a thousand times better than this? Rememberthetime yes it's awful that feeling of being reprimanded like a school girl. Apparently I'm too anxious and far too sensitive. The other classic is agreeing with me on an issue and hours later saying the opposite and denying all knowledge of the initial conversation