Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Things keep coming in to my head over and over again and I wake up at night sweating and panicking. Situations where I've been laughed at, picked on or made to feel like shit.

There's a great book called The Reality Slap which has techniques for dealing with this kind of impact after something fucking shit in your life has done you over.

Heart somebody is always here, hope today is going ok

Here too.
Really worth addressing the anxiety and finding some techniques to help you cope. Some people swear by exercise or mindfulness. Lots of things can help.

Here too. Will ve out in a bit but not for long. Just keep posting. Someone will be here, Heart.

Apologies if this sounds abrupt but the first thing that popped into my head after reading your recent updates was “Leaving that monster will help” (The anxiety and panic attacks you’re describing) x

I know it’s not that easy, I do. However my friend who has 4 kids and is 7 months pregnant is, as I type this, in her car with her kids at other end of country to me, with nowhere to go tonight after fleeing a man. Far from ideal but she’s surprisingly relaxed and calm! I’m not suggesting your position is the same as hers, but she did just do it. She had no choice! (He is violent, so more extreme than your situation) However she was badly affected, so were the kids, as you are. So she packed her bags and left. She knows she won’t lose her house as she owns half. End of discussion. Her Solicitor has said he will make him sell up or buy her out which is standard in divorces. Her employer has given her 2 months compassionate leave as per the law (apparently?) fully paid too. She’s hopefully going to be put in a hotel by Council housing team until she finds an alternative.... She did what she had to do.

Thanks all. I've downloaded the reality slap book which is good and I've managed to calm the rising panic feeling.

Is it him making me feel like this or other people? These other men I keep encountering? What is causing this ball of dread and fear that is sitting in the pit of my stomach. It's like someone is making me sit in a pit with spiders on my face when I meet some people/ deal with them. I think this is anxiety isn't it??

Yes absolutely. That's why I mentioned seeing the GP.
Living with fear and abuse at home affects you mentally and emotionally. And not just at home. It colours how you see the whole world.

Absolutely yes, it’s him causing it, and once you’re away from him it will get a whole lot better. And yes, it affects how you feel about and see everything. Once you’re out, you will gradually lose that and begin to find your own way.

Thinking of you in this hellish time. I was given loads of drugs by my gp which just kept the lid on. A frw months on and things seem to be making progress. The first thing is selling the house. It feels like a victory albeit a small one

It’s him. It’s not you. Try taking deep deep breaths to calm yourself, sounds silly but it does work.

I'm very late to this thread in terms of commenting but just wanted to support what easytiger among many other more knowledgeable posters than me have said. You are doing so much better than you can imagine or feel just now. That knot inside you that you describe is really familiar - literally goes from the pit of your stomach to your feet and back up to your shoulders simultaneously! Good news is that so many of us on your thread are exactly where you are just now, when it feels undoable and hopeless, or have been there. Believe me it is doable and you will do it when you're ready. I was where you are 5 years ago. Today... I'm skint, my eldest is at university and my ten year old is thriving. Most importantly we're peaceful. No moods to judge or eggshells to walk on. You deserve the same

Hi i just wanted to say everything your saying about how you feel emotionally really resonates with me. I went to woman's aid for counselling and that helped so much. I couldn't have done it without them. I've been out for a year and i don't think I'll ever get tired to coming back to my safe calm home.
After i left i started remembering thinks that i seemed to have forgotten, this still happens a year later, but i am stronger now.
I still have bad dreams, i clench my teeth during the night which leaves me with a sore head and jaw each morning, but it am ok and so will you be.
Something my mum said to me is "give time, time, best piece of advice ive had. I hope you find the strength, i really do. I called woman's aid helpline everyday for two weeks before i left. The helped me see clearer.
I just want you to know im thinking of you. You've got this, you can do it honey. You deserve a life of peace.

Hope you are doing ok heart.

Hi OP. De-lurking because I really feel for you and wanted to give you some advice based on my own experiences.

I've lived with low self esteem and self doubt my whole life. Had a crappy childhood and am married to someone who can be extremely nasty. Basically he can obliterate my sense of self worth by just a few words. I've yo-yoed through life, had beautiful kids, got a decent education, worked hard for a good home. But I was never happy. I also come from a culture where abuse of this sort is not much acknowledged and you would be considered weak and probably ostracised for LTB. I've taken steps to deal with the situation.

First of all it was my mental state. Over the years I had internalised the negativity; I'm lazy, uncaring, the cause of my H's heart problems etc etc. I knew I had bouts of depression but never acknowledged it but after having my last DC I took the courage went to the GP who prescribed anti-depressants for PND. Best thing I've ever done. I'm a lot calmer and given me the ability to think properly without falling to pieces.

Secondly I have decided that after being married to OH for 20 years, I will not be taking anymore crap. NONE. I've put a mental block between myself and him. I have mentally divorced him IYSWIM. So now he can say the most hateful stuff but it doesn't go through. It's working so far. Let's see...

Thirdly I am working up the courage to face my family when it all blows up. And it will.

OP, it has taken me 20 years to get to this point, and my OH is not as abusive as yours but abusive nevertheless. Please be kind to yourself. Over the years the abuse has chipped away at your sense of self worth. It will take time to heal. Please get some help from your GP.

Here we go.... and so it begins again

.

Nasty abusive messages because I said I'd had a rough day. Telling me to shut up In capitals and to man up. Being horribly sarcastic because I said I'm struggling to manage everything ( too many plates to spin) he's been away but it's been hard juggling full on work/ kids being ill this week . Now I'm dreading him coming home. Think I'll sleep in another room but he'll come in and wake me up to try to have it out with me .

Be strong OP. You will get through this x

Save all the messages. Make sure he doesn't find this thread BTW.

Just remember you have done nothing that deserves him waking you up and sending nasty messages. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Try and focus on yourself, above all be kind to yourself.

He's not your friend. He's not your partner. If you show him weakness or vulnerability it is like blood to a shark. He relishes abusing you, gets off on it. (Sorry that's a rough thing to say, even if it's true)

You know he will never change, right? He will go on and on like this, like a train that never stops, getting progressively worse. He will never come good.

The torch in your face when you're asleep: he's breaking the law. It's the same as if he punched you

I've just read the full thread.

I'm here for you as well, Heart.

Can you make an appointment to see your GP? The stress you're under is incredible, and you need all the support and help you can get. Tell your GP what's going on, and ask for advice and help.

You are being really strong. But it's so damaging for you, and your children, to stay with this man for any longer than it takes for you to make a plan and get away from him.

I left my abuser 10 years ago. I remember the panic and dread I used to feel waiting for him to come home, knowing what he'd be like. My physical health suffered. I was scared to go to the GP because I thought I had something really serious wrong with me. It was stress. Living with chronic stress for years affected me physically. Terrible headaches, shooting pains in my arms and legs, pins and needles in my hands and feet, palpitations, nausea.

Leaving made me well again.

Do what you need to do while you're still with him to keep safe. Plan your escape. Plan to get your life back and have freedom for you and your children.

Heart, you've mentioned his drinking as well. You could contact AlAnon. They provide support for families and friends of people with problem drinking. By the time I contacted them I realised there was nothing I could do to change his drinking habits, but I had a long chat with a woman on their helpline and it was such a relief to talk to someone who understood.
www.al-anonuk.org.uk

And also, just in case you hadn't considered this. Your call to Women's Aid didn't have to be a one-off. You can call them again, and again, and get support, and be heard.

Thinking of you.