I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

Oh dear oh dear
Your thinking is very worrying and entrenched. You seriously need to rethink all of this

Anatidae wins the internet.

OP. Maybe you’re right. Maybe Social Services are being bullies. So what? It doesn’t matter. It’s not about fair. Right here, right now it’s about keeping your children.

Picture yourself on Christmas Eve 2025, or on your new baby’s first day at school. Do you think you’ll give a flying fuck that you had to do the freedom programme to get there?

Do you feel that you are different to the other women who will be doing the course? I can understand a bit of this is the case .... but for the course with an open mind.

Even if you think it doesn't apply to you ... you never know how it may be useful knowledge in the future...helping a friend or relative.

Is it the whole group thing that bothers you the most? Having to possibly be among a group of women who you feel have suffered more serious and prolonged abuse than you have?

It's a good sign that he wants you to do the course. It's good for him and his future relationships.

@Rescuepuppydaft2 , I couldn’t have complicated the course by now as it wasn’t available straight away, also, they were happy for me to just work with the DV lady back then in a different format. They have moved the goal posts down the line so now this is why is come up now. They did initially suggest it at first but were ok to go with the other DV work. I’m sure it will never end and soon the FP won’t be good enough. I’ll do it so they can tick their box.

Why not look at it as 'I'll do. It so I can protect my kids and avoid making shitty relationship choices in future'

Hello OP what a horrible situation you find yourself in. I am no fan whatsoever of social services and their methods and know (regrettably at first hand) how much stress they can cause during pregnancy.

However, you have 2 choices

1. Go with the flow. Do what they want with outward good grace (even if you are going home and making voodoo dolls!) Give them their way, let them tick their boxes - get them off your back and out of your life, enjoy your children. Yes their demands seem bl**dy pointless and ridiculous but its what they want, they do have power and ultimately could take your children so may as well get on with it

1. Resist. Fight. Ignore them. Defy them.. they'll just fight harder, insist on more stupid things, try to break your will and could ultimately ruin your life.

I tried 2 for quite a while and did win on a lot of points but it was exhausting, distressing and miserable and sometimes I look back and just wish for my own sanity I'd gone with their crazy demands, done what they wanted and just got rid of them as quickly as possible.They distressed me so much that on one occasion when I was 8 months pregnant I had to be removed from their offices by ambulance. I did eventually go with 1 towards the end of the process and they ticked their boxes and eventually f*cked off back into their box. They tried to break me and had it not been for DP (not a DV situation) they would have succeeded... I will never forgive the social workers involved but looking back I should just have complied and perhaps I would have trod a much easier path.

I'm not sure I'm making sense - in short for the sake of your own sanity do their freedom project thing -who knows it may even make a bit of sense

Good luck

You have already taken him back once, and placed your children at risk by doing so.

SS need you to evidence change in your thinking and understanding regarding domestic abuse. They need you to evidence understanding of warning signs of abusive behaviour, and show that you have armed yourself with the insight to protect yourself against abuse in future relationships. Women who have been in one abusive relationship frequently become embroiled in subsequent abusive relationships. This is a clear risk to your children's safety and wellbeing.

You evidence this change by attending an established course run by experts in domestic abuse. Most social workers lack both the time and specialist knowledge to do this work with you, so FP it is. This isn't bullying, or box ticking, by SS. This is reassurance for them that you are making the necessary changes for them to consider removing your children from the CP register.

What you're evidencing right now is that you are resistant to changing the behaviours and decision making that has led to these concerns in the first place - if you're really not still in the grip of this man I don't really understand why you would be behaving like this. You're acting like you're right and you know it all and SS are an irritant. That's going to be increasing concerns, not reassuring anybody that you're making changes.

Just do the course. And actually listen to what they're saying - believe me, you need to hear it. Badly. And I say that as a qualified former DV worker and current SW who has worked intensively with victims of domestic abuse who are on the edge of care proceedings. Just do the course.

well at least you've decided to do it but it's not a "box ticking exersise" it's a way to evidence that you are willing to safeguard your children, as you've proved so far that your needs come first.

OP I absolutely do know what I am talking about. I know someone who had a baby removed at birth and placed for adoption under almost identacle circumstances. The other children were removed into care and never returned.

you are being complacent and playing with your children's lives.

As for your h telling you you should do the freedom programme, why the fuck are you communicating with him? Can you not see that he is being compliant, telling you you should do these programmes so that he can tell the world what a reformed character he is and how he's no longer the man who assaulted you to the extent that his and your children have been placed on the at risk register?

You need to do the freedom programme and you need to cut all contact with him. SS can deal with his wishes to see his children. He is not your responsibility.

^^^very good advice

It's your ex (or not-so ex) that bullies you and that you should fight, not SS, not the freedom programme. It is a privilege to have kids, and they need you, not your ex.

Great op, so just tick their box and do it, it won't kill you and at least we are all getting somewhere now. You don't need to agree - you just need to do the course.

The timing also confuses me. It does read like he attacked you at the beginning of the year yet you were still sleeping with him in April, possibly longer. You are now pregnant with his child. I can see why they want you to do it if that timing is correct.

They don’t want you to do it for just you, they want you to do it for your child. Because you have knowingly brought a convicted and violent man back into the child’s home. Was your child in the home when he attacked you?

For the record, I don’t believe he’s only done it twice. These animals don’t change. Normally it’s domething that escalates and If there was a conviction then i would assume he seriously assaulted you. Yet like many abused women you make excuses for him. Don’t tell me, let me guess, he didn’t mean it, he can’t help it, he’s so sorry, he loves you so much, he will never do it again, and yes, you love him? That’s the normal way of it.😔

Do the program and with a good grace, if not for you, for your children.

@LoverOfCake I’ll say it again, he was at the core group meeting. HTH

People I'm not talking out of my arse here

If the OP remains separated from the ex
And engages with her DV worker
And there is a long period of time with no incidents
They will eventually close the case. I guarantee you 100% that failing to complete the freedom programme is not going to meet the threshold to remove the children from her care. I have lots of experience of care proceedings and I know what the thresholds are.

Of course it will be worse for the OP down the line if she doesn't do it and she gets back with him but if the OP stays away from him the children are NOT going in to care.

Is it standard for the convicted abusive parent in this sort of situation to participate in the core group meeting?

It depends. Usually yes, unless the victim has strong feelings against it, or it is assessed to be likely to increase the risk

Adalind

You don't know what has happened to op or what the children have been exposed to, or the level of harm that has already taken place so you simply can NOT give any assurances that the children will not be removed.

It is bad form to give someone in this position the idea that ss will disappear, they won't, I am sure of that

Why was he given a vote on what you should do? Who asked him what he thought you should do?

Thanks Adalind

I'm sorry - I appreciate it looks like I'm encouraging the OP not to engage and I am NOT. But I cannot allow false information to stand on a thread which could be read by countless women in abusive relationships who may be too afraid of SS to leave. I also feel is my responsibility as a social worker to correct misinformation when I read it on here.

@AccrualIntentions I've been involved in situations where we have held separate core groups for victim and perpetrator, but usually only in very high risk situations, or where the perpetrator has already evidenced that they cannot conduct themselves appropriately in a meeting with the victim present.

They want to see you can put your DC's needs in front of your wants.

^^ this

The fact that you have any kind of contact with him is probably a big red flag for ss.

Do you think that ss plus everyone on this thread is wrong or do you think there is a possibility you may be misjudging things?

And of course he said you should do it in front of a room full of professionals! Because he is a bit brighter than you and knows to say what and do what people want to hear so he can get what he wants. I really don’t know why you’re struggling with the concept.

The fact that you have any kind of contact with him is probably a big red flag for ss

Well no, since she facilitated contact.