I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

I also agree with @AdalindSchade that if someone engages appropriately and there is a long period of time with no incidents, the children will likely be removed from the register and mum may continue to work with SS on the basis of a child in need of care and support.

However, in the case of the OP I really think she needs to complete the FP for her own sake, as well as to reassure SS that she is evidencing change. There are screaming risk factors that she has not recognised the impact if the abuse and is at risk of reengaging with the perpetrator. That's probably why SS have requested her participation on the FP in the first place. FP is powerful, and often much more effective than 1:1 work, unless she's spending hours a week with a DV worker.

This is a very fast moving thread! BulliedMama I am glad that you are prepared to complete the program now! I would contact the social worker tomorrow and ask if completing the online version of the freedom program is a suitable alternative, until there is an available course to attend in person!

I also recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that. Show social services that you are trying to educate yourself in order to prevent being sucked back in by your partners lies. Stop all contact with your partner that is not determined by a court order. Let Social services deal with him! He sounds very manipulative! Don't give him any more ammunition than he already has!

@BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried you believe what you want, you can’t comment on someone you don’t know. He’s an absolute shut for what he did, and I’ll never forgive him for putting me in this situation but he does want me to get them off my back ASAP and he sees me doing g this as the quickest way. No go ahead and pick holes in that as I’m sure you will, because things are always that black and white aren’t they

Of course he wants the spotlight off your family.

He can't start manipulating you again - together or apart - under a SS microscope. Don't be naive.

Adalind

I agree that you will not want other readers to be afraid to confront or deal with DV if they are reading that their children will be removed. Most parents would be adhering to the recommendations, so would not be in this position in the first place. It is the non compliance that is the issue not the plan or the threat of removal (which is the same of every parent in the country, none of us are exempt)

You know as well as I do there will be discussion now about the future of the unborn child, and a possible court order. You know that this will become one of the only options left if they feel op or the dc are in genuine danger. We do not know the facts of the case.

Everyone has posted on here with the same message. It is one of support and for the very best outcome for the dc and op.

@Rescuepuppydaft2 I have a copy of “living with the dominator” ironic as I’m not living with him. I well cc the SW tomorrow. There is no court order in place so I just keep it simple and to the point. I will se H at the next group meeting but shouldn’t really need to engage

Of course he wants them off your back, because he is the reason why they're involved in the first place.

Let's not pretend that this man loves either you or your children - he doesn't.

He wants SS of your back as soon as possible, yet he got them on your back to begin with!

Maybe it's next your DC remain on the CP register for longer .... for their safety, not as any form of punishment for you.

Maybe it's best

God you sound hard work OP. Yu have made some very bad choices and put your dc at risk of harm. You have been offered help and support to understand yourself and your choices better and to give you the best chance of keeping your children safe in the future... but you choose to see this as being bullied and threatened. Why?? If I was your SW your attitude would worry me. A lot.

OP, you said you don't want to do it because you can't drive. Is part of the problem that you can't physically get to the course location? If so, can you tell SS this? They might be able to help you get there.

but he does want me to get them off my back ASAP and he sees me doing g this as the quickest way.

Well DUH!! Of course he does!

You might get something out of the course. How do you know until you've done it. Why wouldn't you do it?

If you don't get anything out of it (unlikely) there's nothing lost. It's a very small investment of time. A couple of hours a week?

Most people "don't want to do it". Which is exactly why they should. Trust people, why would they want you to do something that was a waste of time?

Chances are you'll change your mind and be the first one trying to persuade a reluctant person to do it in the future.

“Neither of us want to get back together” - your use of language there is very telling.

Very creamswirls

He doesn’t get an opinion on it. He has no say. They are apart. They are over. Why would either need to even voice their opinion on it?

Most people would do anything - ANYTHING - to keep their children safe. Walk on broken glass, killl someone - anything.

Yet you won’t do one very simple thing because you think it’s a waste of time.

This isn’t about protecting them from your ex. This is about giving you the tools to stop them (and you) being abused by bastards in the future.

For as long as you refuse, you allow him to control you. Him saying it’s a good idea is just another bit of mind fuckery and him trying to show SS what a good, misunderstood man he is.

@LoverOfCake why are you engaging with a woman like me who makes you sick?

Ffs, we don’t want to get back together, why does it matter how I put it? Why? We split, we said never again. Stop looking for things that aren’t there fgs.

Is it your worry that the FP will mean going over all the intimate details of something that you, at the moment, just want to forget?

Because it’s not like that! They usually say it’s ok if you want to talk or if you want to just listen, you take part in the activities but they are general not about bearing your soul. The main benefit is the wonderful feeling of mutual support and understanding you get from doing it alongside other women who are in similar positions.

I also can see why SS would have very good reasons for wanting you to do the FP ASAP. It is the gold standard for preventing you going back to your abuser and for preventing you from inviting another different abuser into the house...

It does seem like you are intent on resisting the one thing that would help you TBH.

If you feel something SS suggest is not appropriate you need to be able to clearly explain why and justify it in ways they will understand and potentially agree with... if you are worried about overburdening yourself I suggest you suggest to them that you drop relate (WTF are they doing suggesting this anyway?!) and do the FP instead...

It's not just about him. It's about your level of insight 're DV in future relationships etc. And the need to help you to develop how to prioritise the children's needs and to always act as a protective parent.
It's not just about ticking the box. The FP really can help.... It's helped so many people in similar situations ... you just need to give it a go

Check out a podcast called The Adoption. It’s a R4 podcast and incredibly moving insightful and eye opening.

Have a listen.

And yes, he will want to get back together at some point... when SS are off the scene... he will want to get back with you because training someone else to take his abuse will be more effort than getting you back...

The FP would give you all the tools to prevent this being successful for him.

Have you posted about this before. I think the problem is even though you say you dont want to get back together, he still seems to have a hold/impact on your life.

OP my friend’s abusive husband did that course too. About 5 days after he completed it, they moved back in together and he beat the shit out of her.

Do the FP. You think you’ll learn nothing but this entire thread shows that you understand nothing about your situation.

Just had a nice bath, after I sent that email saying I’ll do it it actually feels like a weight has been lifted. Fuck it, I’ll play along for the sake of my kids. I hate feeling like I don’t have control and it feels like the totally taken that away, hell, I’ve got through worse things