I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

I get that the thought of attending the course feels alien and stressful to you, because somehow you feel you are not like 'those' other victims of DV.
This is because you want to somehow pretend it didn't happen like that, you have an understable desire not to think about those awful instances, 'move-on' and get-on will your life. You don't want to feel you (misguidedly) were somehow stupid or even in some way responsible for what happened to you. It's also also easier to minimise what your husband did, blame alchohol or other reasons, because otherwise you might feel silly for having a relationship and children with a man capable of DV.
These are all understable reasons why you are in serious denial about what happened, and the damage it could have caused your DC. And also why it's easier to turn your stress and frustration towards SS.
That being said, understanding what happened and how you deal with the future, and reduce the impact of the events on your DC's future is vital to your and their well-being.
Until you do this you will not be able to put the past behind you.
Good luck.

OP if you were in my team I would be advising the worker to start drafting a statement for court ready for when your baby is born.

Your lack of insight is horrifying and this will not end well. You won't listen to reason or try to find any compromise with ss.

Stop engaging with your husband and start engaging with your social worker

Obviously I won’t risk my son but is doesn’t mean I have to agree with the way they are threatening me

They are not threatening you and you are risking your son.

Don't you understand you are marking yourself down as someone who is uncooperative, who will not do basic requirements to keep their children?
Do you think that is going to help you, going forward?

RockyBayEve, thank, it’s just so wrong how they operate, using fear to get their way

I know, I've been there too. It's bloody horrible :(

But still I would advise not to resist too much.
Say your stressed.
Uncomfortably pregnant.
Ask them for adjustments, like provide transport or have an FP person visit you.
It might be shit but you have to be at least seen to do what they say.

Heres some more

Get a letter about your stress and the consequences this may have on your pregnancy

Don't be ridiculous. Who is going to write such a letter? The GP? As if. No GP will put their name to a letter stating cod scientific nonsense to help a victim of DV avoid the freedom programme honestly.

Op if you are struggling with depression/anxiety then your thinking is likely to be very muddled and so you need honest advice from people you trust. Do you have anyone in real life? Please don’t dismiss the programme - have you told ss that you are suffer ill health? They will need to support you but ultimately if you can’t understand the concerns then they will eventually give up and probably remove your children. The clock is ticking. Can you adjust your meds? Do you feel better after taking them?

Adalind

What do you think will happen if op doesn't work with SS then? Do you think they will just give up and fade away. Of course not, the pressure will be increased because they clearly have huge concerns for the welfare of the children.
I don't think it helps anyone esp opto gloss over what every person on here knows already. If you don't follow the plan that SS have put together it is reasonable to expect consequences. The Children are the priority.

hadron

Clear your conscience my dear ;)

I actually looked into this extensively for another MN poster who is now a friend - I spent a long time in the primary literature and I’m qualified to read it and understand it properly.
There’s NO damage done by maternal stress, until that stress level gets to a point of physical damage to the mother - for example, if the mother has been tortured and is in physical shock. Even then, it’s not a given that damage will be done.

I get very, very tetchy on this subject after seeing the distress a couple of women in your situation have been through, because there are charlatans outcthere whonprey on this myth.

It’s absolutely impossible for any stress you experienced to have harmed him or caused his hearing loss. It could be a genetic thing (genes that affect hearing are very numerous) or it could be environmental (infection.)

Either way it was nothing you did, or didn’t do :)

Why not try the online version if the travelling is a problem?

hadron you have been internalising that guilt for 16 years ?

Please let it go
It's not true.

Thank you anitadae for posting that. I too have tortured myself with guilt for causing my DS’s issues by being stressed during pregnancy.

You can do an online freedom program I believe it's £10 ,
I do have to say that refusal to do what the social care have asked will be viewed negatively and seriously,
I completely understand that they are "telling" you to do it not much freedom in that but maybe suggest the online course to them as your due soon, then the full course if needed at a later date ?
Not all abuse is physical sometimes that's the easiest part to get over its the mental abuse that may lead you to find someone else similar and not know the signs
It might be a tick box but if you don't the consequences are high
Sorry I know not what you want to hear,

And you, BB

Thanks AF.

Thanks for the virtual head shake, hopefully I’ll hear back from the DV worker and she can re open my case and go from there. I think she mentioned an different form of FP, not in a group.

'I absolutely think the OP should do the course but it's completely wrong to say that the children will go into care if they don't.'

That's absolutely wrong, too, since it appears she is uncooperative, there was a second incident of domestic violence at the beginning of the year yet she still went back to him and got pregnant in April, is still in contact with him, etc. There are a number of risk factors that may well mean the children might be removed.

You’re welcome both of you.

Stress doesn’t harm babies in the womb. 👩🏻‍🔬

Why are you so determined not to do it?

what on earth could be the problem? Your kids are on the CP plan, do you not realise how serious this is? Not doing this shows you care more about yourself than the safety of your kids

and you think you can put this chapter behind you and as you're no longer with DH there's an issue. They want to make sure you understand the risk and warning signs so you never get into an abusive relationship again.

Funnily enough, your SW actually wants to help you and protect your children, which so far you have failed to do.

Do the programme, approach it open minded, you could learn so much about yourself.

and if they thought everything was great, you wouldnt be on a CP plan!

The choice is yours - do the freedom programme & keep your kids, or don’t & lose them. It’s quite simple & of course it’s entirely up to you but be well aware of the repercussions.

I used to work in SS btw.

Thanks for that AF Anatidae, Thank you sooooo much You've both made me well up, and I have no time for it because I'm really late preparing dinner and the potatoes are nowhere near done, and I have no Aunt Bessies

But then I guess I shouldn't be on MN

What worries me the most about you op is your complacency.

You refer to a chat to your dv as very casual and we are all collectively saying the same thing.

I hope you will listen before it is too late.
It would be awful to read the next stage. Please give the ending of this chapter in your life with your kids coming first - they deserve more than this the inconvenience of a quick course versus the very distinct possibility of losing them?

BulliedMama no the waste of time and resources has been you fighting against social services for months! You could have completed the course, appeasing social services that you are a dedicated Mother! Instead your social workers are seeing through your insistence that you put your DC first, to see a selfish parent that cares more about her wants than her DC's needs. Please realise that it looks even worse that your (ex) partner is complying with the wishes of social services. That he is urging you to complete the course and that you continue to rebel!

You've already taken him back once.
You may make more poor relationship choices.
Their goal is to protect your kids. Yours should be too. Do the program. They aren't bullying you it's a reasonable request.
🙄

You need to put your childr first and do what you are being asked to do. If there’s even the slightest risk your children are at risk you need go to above and beyond what SS ask of you. When you have a newborn is a vulnerable time for you & there is a significant chance, as you are maintaining a civil relationship with you ex that you might lean on them for support & end up getter back together. So I can completely see why the freedom program is being recommended to you and suggest you do it when an open mind.