I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

The risk of dv is higher after a break up.

You are still in regular unsupervised contact with him therefore the risk of further dv remains.

You are minimising 'he was drunk' which evidences that you haven't placed responsibility for the abuse on him therefore aren't able to fully protect your dcs until you take further advice about dv.

Stop being so resistant to change!

They want you off their books, help them help you.

Well done OP I think you have made the right decision for your children. Try and have an open mind and seeing it as playing along, you might find the course empowering.

If you're going to do why not do it properly, give it a chance and not just play along???
By the way that's called disguised compliance... just give it a proper go fgs.

Please don't "play along" ... change your mindset, the FP, those who attend and those who deliver it deserve more.

There's all sorts of people there, you'd be surprised (and probably none of them confident about going) ... not many of us like doing something new

Well done.

"Play along", call it what you wish. Give yourself and your kids a chance.

See, now this is my point. I’ll agree to do it and it still won’t be enough.

Do you see why people would think it’s not enough though?

Bearing in mind it really is the best thing for you?

The fact you don’t want to do it and now that you will do it but you don’t intend to engage with it are reasons why you need to be on CP rather than CIN... Because you are clearly demonstrating that you are not a safe parent, you are a parent who is not prepared to take action to safeguard your DC which is why SC put you on CP in the first place...

SC are not thinking about you being under stress now, they are thinking about when the baby is born and he worms his way back in again because you are vulnerable.

I’m starting to get stressed about it again now, You can’t force someone’s hand and expect them to smile about it. This is what’s going to happen. I don’t think they’ll ever be happy. Ind I do think the people who deliver it deserve more, maybe people shouldn’t be forced in the first place. Just like you can’t force someone to AA

And they have good reason... because not only did you take him back after he escalated to physical violence, you got pregnant with another baby...

You have put yourself in the position where they have to step in to safeguard your children because you didn’t safeguard them when you took him back and got pregnant... they said NFA the first time because you had left him. You knew his violence warranted their attention the first time and they will have gone through with you about not going back but rather than stay away, you took him back and got pg again.

You cannot expect them to trust you to keep him away now - why would they? You clearly told them you wouldn’t take him back last time (so they closed the case) and then took him back anyway!

Op, I can see that nothing anyone says will change your mind. People are writing assuming op will respond in the way most people would, and just do the course. Op, it is inconceivable to most mothers that you will not just fully cooperate with ss to remove the risk of your children being removed from you.
Op, maybe your depression/anxiety are not allowing you to see this clearly. Make sure you get as much help as possible with these. You need as clear a head as possible to be making decisions that will affect the rest of your, and your children's life.

Bulliedmama ... It's great you've agreed to do it. It really is. Now just relax and don t overthink it. Go and see how you get on. That's all that can be asked at this stage xx
Well done on taking this step

Do you understand that they gave you a chance to manage it yourself and you made choices which prove that you can’t do it yourself and need them to be involved?

* SC are not thinking about you being under stress now,^ ^ that’s strange as they’ve said to me many times about stress in pregnant is not good.

You’re getting silly again. Stop making up excuses. You’re trying to talk yourself out of doing it. Accept that your doing it, quit whingeing about it and get on with it. You’re an adult. Sometimes we do things we don’t want to do, I cant think of a bigger incentive than keeping custody of your own children.

Sorry, ignore. I didn't see latest update. I am so pleased you have agreed to do it op.

OP, I'm not blaming you at all and I think it's great you've split but you've taken him back before. Maybe you'll find a way not to do that by doing the programme.

Why not just give it a chance with an open mind?

And that you have not given them any reason at all to think that when you say you won’t take him back you are trustworthy?

They would be remiss if they just trusted you to do it your way. Now is the time for you to accept that actually they might know better than you what is best.

You’re absolutely right.

They can’t force you.

But if you don’t put your kids’ safety and well-being first you will lose them.

It really is that simple.

And your choice.

* You cannot expect them to trust you to keep him away now* I don’t understand this, they’ve put relate in the safety plan.....how is that keeping him away. They are clearly not concerned with that as he’s at every meeting

And it really is very simple...

You have had a chance to do it your way, it hasn’t worked. You can choose to keep resisting doing it their way and carry on doing it your way but this is extremely high risk given the history...

They are not trying to make your life miserable, they are trying to help you.

She's said she will do the course. Most people start things like this thinking they will just go to make other people happy - the actual engagement comes partway through.

OP good decision. Just turn up and see how you get on. That's all anyone can ask.

I think you need to stop pretending you only took him back once OP- unless your baby was an immaculate conception.

they’ve put relate in the safety plan

That's absolutely inappropriate. Please tell this to your DV advisor and get them to advocate for you not to do this.

Why don’t you request that he doesn’t be at meetings? TBH I don’t understand why you haven’t already? I would refuse to be in the same room as him ever. My ex raised his voice to me in a meeting regarding our son and I have refused any contact with him ever since. I will not set foot in a building I know him to be in. He caused that. Social worker supports this.