I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

I'd be more concerned about a DV worker telling a client not to engage in anything as her partner will beat the shit out of her anyway - first few pages of OP.

I would do what I had to do to get my kids off CP. And that's the bottom line.

@anatidae that’s good to know, thanks for correcting me. It’s hard to avoid stress just because you’re pregnant so it’s a shame more women don’t know that - obviously it only compounds stress to think you’re hurting your baby.

OP well done for saying you’ll do the course, really hope you manage to get something out of it.

Well done OP. I hope you manage to get something out of the course, and all the best for your pregnancy/future with your kids.

I'm baffled why you don't want to do this.

All I can see is that 1. Your DV worker has said it's not for everyone and 2. You don't want to do the course with other people.

Can you explain 2?

They're not box ticking, they're giving you the opportunity to do what's right for your child and unborn baby and prove that you're willing to do whatever it takes to protect and keep your children. By resisting you will cause yourself more issues as you will be viewed as non compliant which will then lead to social services asking themselves WHY.... that's where your trouble will start.

To be honest if my children were on child protection, I would shit in my hands and clap if social told me to. Once they're on child protection you're basically one meeting/court case from losing your children if you're seen to be failing to protect them!

OP has been battered enough, a small change is good enough at this stage. Good going OP, you might take to the program or not, but the important thing is you have taken on board what we are saying that you need to go along with this, show willing and do your best to safeguard your children.

I’ll do the DV version of FP. (I’m sure that won’t be good enough)
so you are sure it is not good enough and yet you won't do the right thing? Good grief, watch those kids being taken away from you.
Stop acting like a child. The freedom programme is not a torture tool, it actually empowers women who have suffered from abuse.

Great post 7979

Most people would do anything - ANYTHING - to keep their children safe. Walk on broken glass, killl someone - anything.

This.

There is a poster called Lollipop who has left her abusive ex. She is heavily pregnant and yet she is fighting tooth and nail to keep her children safe. Whatever it takes. To the detriment of her own health at times.

Just do the course OP, you may find it helpful.

The op siad she would do the course ages ago. She is choosing to cooperate and needs some positivity now and less censure.

I'd do anything if it meant keeping my kids......

I don’t know... I think hoodwinking SC by jumping through hoops but not engaging is not likely to be enough. The point of doing the FP would be that the OP actually learned about abusive relationships and how to keep herself and her kids safe... that seems like it will require an attitude change rather than simply unwillingly attending things to get SC off her back...

I'm sure SC won't be hoodwinked Offred, more likely just hoping OP will recognise abusive relationships when she hears about them, and will just possibly learn how to deal with them. They must encounter many clients saying one thing and meaning another, so I'm guessing that attendance at F P does help to safeguard children.

All best wishes for the future Mama.

Offred it's totally normal and expected for people to be resistant at the start of a course, dubious about the point of it and believing they will just tick the box. That's not a problem. The course itself is the intervention and most people shift in their thinking throughout.

Even if it's unwilling just do the course to 'tick their boxes' and once it's done it's done they should hopefully be off your back and you won't have to worry about them with your new baba. Good luck

My point was about what will ‘be enough’ for SC not about the FP.

Firstly well done for leaving him, i KNOW its not easy. So well done.

Part of the reason they want you to do the course is so that if you get into a relationship with another man your more likely to notice red flags, when your in an abusive relationship your way of thinking shifts and you don't notice things others would. So you are more likely to end up with another abusive partner.

Do the course, even if you look at it as a box ticking exercise. You never know you might come away with something, even if its just a shred of something. If nothing else you will have ticked that box.

Good luck, and keep well.

Ok so lets break this down. First off well done to you for leaving him because it isn't easy leaving an abusive man. Secondly SS aren't looking to just tick boxes they want you to do the work to be able to protect yourself and your children. You said that they just closed the case the first time but it happened again meaning that you repeated the pattern and made SS concerned about whether you can protect yourself and children. It isn't just to do with your ex, but any other relationship you get into and knowing you can recognise the triggers and prevent this situation happening again. If you can't do that then it'll be that SS would end up looking to remove your children because it isn't just you that is at risk of DV it is your children and their life experiences. They have been affected by the DV already, they know whether they were in the same room or not, whether they are awake or not - they know. Thirdly your children being on a Child Protection plan isn't necessarily a bad thing because you've got SS help for as long as they remain under CP. Plus working with SS is better than not working with them and making it an awkward relationship between you and SS, and it'll make them aware that they cannot work with you. Anyway onto the Freedom Programme, why don't you want to do it? I've done it, and I found it helpful and beneficial to prevent myself getting into another situation like I was in. I bought the book Living with the Dominator and highlighted what reminded me of my ex with the things that he did. With that and other things I've done PP, CTC, FP and now PC I'm building my toolbox that'll help me recognise the red flags and prevent me getting into another situation again with a lying, abusive man. And yes SS are involved with me and my child and I have worked with them to ensure I don't get into another situation like I was in.

Good luck and I hope you do go and do the Freedom Programme it is really insightful.

OP, hope you do the course but also watch out for any innacurate ss reports because they are almost impossible to get corrected and follow you for life. In my experience the more hoops you jump through the less inaccuracies in their reports. So good luck and although you feel bullied, put everything you can into the course.

If you don't do the freedom programme then what will Ss do?