I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

Freudian slip

You need to just do it.

The worst outcome is that you gain nothing and are a little inconvenienced for a while.

What is more likely is you will come out of this programme with new tools to deal with your situation and a wider support network.

Things aren't going to get any easier once this second baby comes along and the last thing you will need is him swooping in when things are hard and trying to wiggle his way back into your life.

SS have not ruined your pregnancy. getting pregnant by a man you knew was violent has ruined your pregnancy. You need to be doing everything you can to provide a stable home for your children and preparing for the new baby. if that means doing the freedom programme then suck it up. It's not going to kill you, whereas a repeatedly violent ex might well do so.

In the nicest way possible.

It's not about you.

It's about your son.

So be like SS. Think about your sons needs first.

@bastardkitty

🙄 really?

bet he is waiting for the baby to be born then in he comes,so helpful,wants to see his newborn alot and bends over backwards to help

give it a couple of months and you will be back to square one

why you got pregnant again with him after the event i have no idea and is done now but that alone dosent seem the best decision

to many children fall under the radar,im glad they are involved even if your not you are being very difficult with SS and i dont blame them for their involvement

Is op the same person that posted the other day?? I'm sure I have read this post or similar before?

I get (to a degree) why you don't want to do it OP but honestly, your best way forward here is to jump through their hoops, tick their boxes, it's the quickest way to get them out of your life. Try to see it as something you need to do for your DC, it's a few hours out of your life and that's got to be worth it to be left in peace.

From their perspective they have a formula, a procedure. It's what's been proven to work for a significant proportion of DV victims and so that's what they run with. Does it work for everyone? No, of course not but it's part of what SS need to see you do in order to fulfil their duty of care to your DC.

You may have burnt your bridges by resisting up to now but is it worth asking if you could do it online or maybe defer it til the baby is born? I get that your objection is more than just logistics but I really think you have to grit your teeth and just get it done, they won't relent until you do. And yes, it does feel like bullying but you have to try to see it from their standpoint, they are accountable if anything goes wrong unless they've followed the formula and ticked the necessary boxes.

I could do all the courses in the works, if H wanted to force his way in and beat the shit out of me he could.

But could you recognise early signs of abuse if you were to meet a new man?

This is the first post about this for me,

I get where you are coming from. I DO.

But, if it's a case of doing the Freedom Programme
OR
continued harassment from SS / poss of losing kids,

It's a no brainer. Just do it. Honestly. They say 'jump' and you say 'how high?' like it or not if you want to minimise risk of further action.

I think the freedom programme sounds quite a good thing to do but even if you don't just jump through their hoops for your kids sake.

Just think of it like this, if someone said the only way to stop us taking your children away is to attend some free classes and do some homework for 3 months would you do it? If yes just fucking get on with it, if no then I have no words.

@TieGrr

That’s me quoting the DV worker

Doing the FP is a pretty standard expectation in this kind of situation. It isn't a big ask and it certainly isn't abusive.

Some questions/observations.........
Did you call ss yourselves when these incidents happened or was it others who were so concerned they reported it?

It is impossible to have a civil relationship with an abusive partner/ex unless you want your children to see that abuse is fine and everyone can be friends after.

Ss have not ruined your pregnancy - your ex has (you also bear some responsibility)

Presumably you have a solicitor? If not you need one and ask their advice about being forced to do these things. They will advise you that no-one can force you but it may cost you your children and future children too. That seems a high price to pay for stubbornness/denial. I really hope that you make the right choice as your children don’t deserve this.

HidingtoNothing says it much better, above! x

I find it ironic that they think to help a woman who’s gotten HERSELF out of an abusive relationship is to put her in another one.

You got yourself right back into one, too. And you're not in an abusive relationship with SS, ffs!

I'm sure they work with parents who are willing to do anything to make sure their children are safe and happy. And then there are parents like you...

You sound very angry with social services op!
Reading between the lines, you are angry as social services are forcing you to keep your partner away. Like you are star crossed lovers who are being held back by the big bad bullies in the Social Work Department.

No wonder they are insisting on you completing the freedom program! They see straight through you and know you resent them and likely your DC for keeping you apart from your dp!!!

If you were truly invested in keeping away from your partner and protecting your children from their dangerous violent father and any possibly violent future partners, you would be throwing yourself into the freedom program!

You have no desire to protect your children! You are angry because Social services want to see devotion from you to keep your children safe. You are angry because this isn't part of your plan! Your plan is to get out of social works control and get your family back again!

You are demonizing social services because your plan is so transparent that they see straight through it! They see straight through it because they have seen it all before! They have watched innocent children be dragged back into the vipers nest again and again! They are not bullying you! They are protecting your children! They are trying to teach you how to protect your children! But all you can see is the barrier they have created between you and your partner!

That is why you and other women like you will lose their children! Because despite the best effort of social services, you are just placating them until you can get back into your partners grip!

If you truly want to escape your partner and the cycle of violence you will do anything asked of you! Anything! If you truly want to protect your DC you would walk through fire, complete a hundred freedom programs until social services are happy that you are doing everything you possibly can to protect your DC!

Keep fighting social services and the cycle will continue, until you give social services no choice but to do what you refuse to do! To remove your children from your care and place them with people who will protect them!

If I am wrong, then please enlighten me, give me ten reasons why the freedom program is a bad idea!

You still haven't done the course since the last time you posted? This could have all been done and dusted by now. The notion they are bullying or abusing you is a nonsense.

You are not forced to share details with a group. You will not be forced into homework.

Doing the freedom program in a group is about shared experiences and it has been shown to work better when completed with other women of similar experiences.

SS need to put in place measures to protect your children. It is very difficult with everything dv to prevent future harm, therefore they need you to show you have made a change. The freedom program is one of the most effective measures of education, that is why they are recommending it.

The fact that you can't see why you need to do this course is the reason why you need to do the course. It's obvious to every poster on this thread, and more importantly to social services, that you are blind to how at risk you are, blind to how skewed your judgment is and blind to how much you're in danger of losing your kids. The course will open your eyes and help you to see what others see, if only you'd engage with it.

You really need to do this. This isn’t about you this is about your children.
There are obviously concerns about something so you need to be doing all you can to show them you have your children’s best interests at heart. Though to be honest it’s maybe something you should want to be doing rather than just showing them.

However I agree with other pps, you are minimising. You say it was one drunken incident but he was convicted for it, you took him back got pregnant and SS have put your children on CP they are obviously concerned that you will go back to this man.

Taking him back is not the same at all as him forcing his way into your home and beating the shit out of you.

You could have had the course done by now.

Imagine having to wave your children off with SS because you wouldn’t do a fucking course! Massive reality check needed OP.

With SS, BEND OVER BACKWARDS. Seriously though, jumping through the hoops and proving to them that you are fit to be your children's parent, putting their needs first and doing everything in your power to reassure that you are capable of safeguarding your children is key in this. If they do not believe you are capable of doing so then they will look at other options, including putting your children into foster care if they feel you are unable to keep them safe. This is all about the children, "how you are" is down to how you are coping as a parent, not your personal feelings as such. Do the program, get it done with and move along.

OP SS have clearly stated what they need you to do before they will take the CP order off your son and your new baby. You sound like you have been pretty uncooperative and that will worry them so they will go on pressuring you to take the course and keep your family under their surveillance until they are confident that your children are safe. If you want them off your back then take the course. If there are practical difficulties talk to them about transport, childcare etc and ask for help or alternatives that they consider acceptable.

It is SS job to do try and keep your children safe, they might be putting you under stress but they are not bullying you, and they certainly are not abusing you. Take the course, it will get SS off your back and help you gain the insight and skills to keep yourself and your children safe in the future.